Goldfish6888

It sounds like it was a tough relationship for 3 years. You WILL find someone else. You WILL. Try and see things in a positive light - like you are better out of something that is negative than "staying in" and trying to "fix" it. 3 years is long enough to know if something is going to work out or not.

Hi. What did he do to you to deserve to be cursed at? I'm just wondering, because your post didn't go into that. Did he actually deserve it?

It seems her trust with you has been broken. All you can do, is try to be as open as possible with her. Re-assure her. Just be honest that you lied about your age as you felt she wouldn't be interested in you - if she knew your real age. It was a stupid thing to do and you want to make her trust in you. I can't really see why you would instigate NC? Are you guys broken up? It's not clear from your post. I guess she doesn't know how she feels now as she's not sure of you. Thats only natural, I'm afraid. Why don't you invite her out....just a casual fun date, say you just want to hang and have some fun. A little romance might be needed. NC will just drive a wedge between you two. I think you need to communicate more. I hope you can bridge the gap of trust. It may take some time as she is young and impressionable and 4 years at that age makes a big difference.. When she is 20 and you're 24- not so much of a difference.

This little site is the best kept secret I know! What would I do without it. I know that without this site and reading about other people's strength, I would not be as able to keep on the straight and narrow with NC. Weakling and softie that I am......I could find an excuse for any behaviour! lol..

Meant to say...I did receive a text on my phone from my ex saying he was sorry to have hurt me...He didn't mean to. I suppose it was nice to receive that.....I have kept the NC now for over a month....Slowly he is just becoming a memory.....I dont know what I would have done without this board. I still do wonder - does he think of me? Or have I been quickly replaced by a brand new set of gals, he can work on with his lines. It would be nice to think that I had had some sort of impact on him. Thanks to all who took time to respond to this thread. Though this week, I've felt down and have had very little energy. Went to bed, every night at 10pm...and just felt down...no reason...at all....

It can be very discomforting and may need an oral antibiotic if it is quite severe, which can only be described from your doctor. I have found that drinking probiotic yogurt drinks good at keeping these things away. It hasnt happened to me that much, maybe once or twice in my life! Thanks be to God! But the symptoms can take time to disappear. As a natural remedy I was told that douching with natural yoghurt (from the fridge) can help the itching and relieve the burning. I did try this and it did relieve the itching. Hope this helps you!

I think you should back off on the Friendship with K. I'm in a similar situation myself, where I really like my co-worked. I'm not married or anything, but he is separated a year and a half and has two kids. I found him the best in the world - my best friend whilst I was going through a break up over the past 3 months. Now I've realised I have feelings for him. I too, find it hard just to be friends with him - but a) he is not in a place for relationship now and b) its hard for me to be just friends - so I've backed off. I would sort out your marriage first, take time out from being so friendly with K, decide if your marriage is worth working on, if not......well its time to move on. Who knows, maybe K, somewhere down the line will miss your friendship, see the other guy treats her badly and come knocking on your door again. Who knows what the future holds. What is for you won't pass you by! But sort out your marriage first as its only fair to the amount of years you put into it.

I guess I've had a relationship similar to yours. My guy was in the USA and I was in Europe. The problem with Internet relationships is that you are not spending a long amount of "quality time" together - the crux is that one of you will have to move to the same country eventually. The fact that in the short time you have spent together you found differences already is a red flag! If you are already spotting differences in a short time together, then can you imagine if you actually moved to the same country??? My internet relationship was similar to yours as I was waiting on my guy to come live with me in Europe. But it kept getting "put on hold", ( it suited him to stay in the USA) I found it really frustrating, as my heart was not in meeting someone else, but I wanted a normal relationship. It was killing me. In the interim, I found it really hard "to fish for others" and not put my eggs in one basket. I guess when I found out that he was not the man I thought, I ended it. I had to go there on business on a surprise trip there and he suddenly "was not available to meet me." The one thing I will say to you, is that internet romances are best dealt with in the same country and within commuting distances. You are right, Irish law does say your marriage has to be irretrievably broken down for 4 yrs before you can divorce - but I seriously would look at how much emphasis you are placing on this when you've not spent 6 months in the company of each other in the same city. Please don't make the same mistake I made and wait on this man! You deserve more. You are young enough (in the summer of your life!) to meet other people. I'm not saying this Irish guy is not the one for you, but perhaps spread your wings..... It does seem to me that you are panicking, or settling for this guy. I would seriously put him on a back burner. You need to get out there and date guys in your country and not be waiting on your Irish guy to come your way.

Well, Apparently he is going to give my number to Clive. I will let you know how it all pans out. I really really like this other guy though. My work colleague reckons I should just come clean on my feelings with him. but I don't want to scare him off entirely. She does think he has feelings for me, as she works 6 foot away from both of us in the office. I wish I didn't fall for the ones I should'nt fall for!

Yes. I went through this - all through my 20's. I met shall we call him T, when I was 23. He could'nt decide betweeen me and his other girl. I kept trying to break up with him and then I would contact him again - saying how much I missed him etc...After about 7 years of this on-off sequence which a) threw me into the depths of depression, affected my social life b) made me less confident. Finally, finally I was able to let him go. What happened was - he told me he was marrying the other girl. We ended up drinking and then sleeping together. His cellphone rang and it was her, I guess she was coming over to his apartment. I never saw anyone dress me as quick....putting on my socks, rushing me out of his place. I felt like a hooker or something, not someone who he loved. I guess thats when I knew he never respected me. Why? because I didn't respect myself. If I did I would not have put up with it. I would have said - hey I'm worth more than this! Hey I deserve a man who loves me to bits, who wants to be with me, warts and all. So what I'm trying to say, is I don't think you are foolish - you are just a fool for love. Emotions make us do these things. BUt when you can step away from it (with NC) you start to see how foolish you are. You need to respect YOU and not him. You need to begin again with you. It took me about 2 years to fully forget this man...and I guess I still have some of the insecurities from spending most of my 20's with him. Wanting, hoping, wishing, praying it would work out. You just need to step away - to see the forest from the trees. NC is the hardest - when you feel someone is your soulmate. I think its time you got selfish and thought of you for a change!

This is serious RED FLAG territory, I know you would like to believe he loves you - but remember words are easy - words are cheap! It's his actions that count. Really you have to proceed with caution with this man. I really don't understand why anyone would give you their passwords to their accounts in order for you to trust them? It already means they have something to hide. Stay very far away - or if you are intrigued at meeting this person. Do so, but proceed with extreme caution. I like to believe the best in people - but now I do what my friend told me a long time ago - its their actions that speak louder than words. Sorry that I'm not the bearer of better advice as I know when you meet someone that seems really really dear and seems like they are the one. When they turn out to be the opposite - its soooo hard. I do find when things are too good to be true they are false.

Hi to Tyler You seemed kind of defensive in your response. What I mean by a player - is someone who lies, cheats.....all the while pretending that "you are the only one" in their life, when they have a lot more going on. A player commits to no one but himself. The disrespect I refer to-is the dishonesty. The selfishness I speak about - is someone who is more zoned in on "their wants and needs", rather than yours ie; a taker, rather than a giver. I think there is nothing worse in a relationship - than dishonesty, whether thats by bared faced lies or omission. It makes a farce of a relationship. Why bother? A player is someone who actually has no respect either for himself, or the multiple people he dates. I mean we can all date a lot of people, as long as we are open about that and open about "being exclusive" if that is what we want. A player will tell you "we are exclusive" but in fact, you are not. He has many other people in his life. It is non-committal. It is not love - even though he may tell you he does indeed love you. Well I'm glad that you haven't dated a player - they say only needy people date them, but I would consider myself...and optimist - i like to see the best in people - which is why i dated a player for 6 months.

Hi I just read all of this post and I also can't understand the cheating end of things, especially when my ex, talked with disdain about friends who treat their g/f badly and there he was doing worse things by cheating. I'm going to come through strong and not allow this to burn me - but it really opens your eyes....to watching their actions...not words.

Thanks for your response!!! However, it's not like his marriage only broke up last week - its been over for about a year and a half now - I would say you are right - that he doesn't want to have any feelings for anyone at the moment - I guess the true test is if he gives my number to Clive. If he really really liked me - he wouldn't be able to do that or would avoid that?? I would like to meet Clive again. Clive is attractive, fit, athletic and really successful in his career...and has no baggage - so why not? I'm going to pass up on my colleague anyway. So maybe I should just go for it with him? Then it's just plain tough luck, down the road - if my colleague suddenly realises toooo late, that he had fallen for me and I've fallen for his friend. Hmmm...dating is tough.....and why don't we get to choose the ones we fall for....

Okay, this is subsequent to a previous post about a work colleague I really have fallen for. It took him to take two weeks holidays that made me realise I definitely felt something for him. This feeling has been slowly building for about 6 months. Anyway, his problem is he is just formally separated from his wife and has two lovely kids. My girlfriends feel that he is a bad candidate to get involved with, because of this baggage... But I feel that everyone deserves second chances. I would have no problem with him having two young girls. We kind of make excuses to see each other - like coffee or a spot of lunch. One sat we had arranged to meet and I cancelled at the last minute - he drove all the way out to my house and we ended up going out for a walk down the pier and had a lovely dinner outside. He said to me "I really enjoyed our day out." I then had backed off a little....but last Friday, he asked me for coffee after work as he said didn't want to drink and go to the pub with everyone else... Anyway, I went for coffee with him and he then said he was going to call his friend - Clive to see if he would come in and meet us.... Now he had previously mentioned that Clive "is free and ready to settle down" and me and him might like each other. He talks about loving to go see a fortune teller and He says "why don't me and you go next Wed"? I say okay, its a date and put it into my diary. Then I say I'm over his area on Friday at a BBQ and he says "drop by if you are in the area"! Another invite! All signs that he wants to see me outside of work. Anyway, his friend, Clive comes in and I chat to him - we get on well. Then my work colleague comes back and we all stayed chatting for an hour. This morning my colleague calls me...he says our date with fortune teller on Wed is cancelled due to work meetings, I shrug it off as not important anyway and said I had other plans anyway - no big deal. He then says Clive was impressed meeting me - "did I like him?"...I responded with "maybe" and he said " I don't think you do" and left it at that. Then I send him an email and say "yes I do like Clive and would like to meet him - here's my number - give it to him!" My colleague responds with "I'll see if he wants to go surfing?" Now I went surfing this weekend - but whats that got to do with him giving him my phone number for a date???? I respond to my colleague "well me and Clive could just go for a jog down the pier...and he responds with " "he's not as fast as me on a jog down the pier." So I see I'm not getting anywhere with this fast. I know my colleague doesn't want to meet "the one" as his friend Clive already stated this on Friday. Am I wasting my time here???? If his light is not on??? Its all very mixed signals....and its really annoying me...now... Maybe I should just date Clive, the friend and make him jealous...it kind of appears to be working??? Help Advice please!!

think about it this way, if you were "dating" him and you were the g/f, would you like him chatting to a girl over the internet for this length of time? I certainly would'nt like it....friends or not.

Hi Robin Just thought I would say you are very attractive and look about 10 years younger!!! Don't be sooooo hard on yourself! You will have NO PROBS getting men!! I've tried the internet dating route and its a mixed bag really. Its hard to meet someone genuine on it. Though I'm going on a date tonight with a guy I met on link removed ( not even sure what he looks like!!! ) owch! When you are out shopping.....try this...go to the mens section....spot someone cute without a wedding band (hopefully he's free). Pick out a shirt and say "you're buying it for your brother and he is about the same size as him".....Ask him "do you think he'd like it!! This has worked for me for about 3 dates!!! Its a good way of building confidence aswell, just chatting to men...and flirting and FEEL THE POWER of your smile!! At least you are getting the "face to face" chemistry, which is hard to get from the net. Its a numbers game. Get out when you can, and do what you can!! Think of it as a game of discovery! There is a world out there. Even on the jobfront! Now is the time to consider new things.........I know you can do it! Total 100% faith!

Everyday I go onto Enotalone and I see stories like mine. "Giving" girls who are sensitive and kind and end up putting up with serious "players" that have no respect for honesty or kindness and are totally selfish. We live according to their rules ie: meet them when they're "available", call them (but they don't return our calls, they tell us we're the one for them, they "love" us, when the only person they truly love is themselves? Why do we do it? We believe they're going to change (just for us) but they never will. We think we are the one that might "get through" to them. We feel its real love. When real love is giving and unselfish and is YOUR FRIEND. Real love is not unavailable at weekends Real love calls you late at night - if you left a message that you had a bad day Real love is there for you - when you need it. More of us need to recognise that players need less of us to "play with"... Then their game is up...but as long as we "play" along, we massage their egos and keep their sense of power. Anyway, I guess I just needed to get this OUT to all the gals who have dated or are considering dating a player......

A good support bra is seriously needed!! Go into a good dept store...get fitted and get yourself a nice push up bra!! You will feel seriously sexier!! Unfortunately we gals cant fight gravity!!! Unless we live on the moon. Not wearing a bra means the weight of your breasts get pulled down..... There are some exercises aswell that help lift the breasts = worth checking out!

Thats very unselfish of you - That you still wish her all the best in life and want for her success. But I would think before I do something like this! You don't know what kind of reaction "your contacting her" will get. She would contact you before she leaves if she wanted to say "goodbye" properly. I know you feel stronger and that you are "over it." But just make sure you are prepared for the consequences of perhaps her talking about a new boyfriend or someone she has met down south....or something that will niggle away at you! Just be careful!. You are the giving one here! XOX

I've learnt things the hard way......Its not what a man says....its what he does that counts. We listen to their words and believe them at face value. When really its whether they are racing accross the city to meet you because you had a tough day....or whether they cancel watching their fav baseball match to cook you dinner...... Its the actions.....that speak louder. I didn't watch the actions......I should have and am in the same place as you.....every day he is on my mind...All my friends thought he was a nice guy...but he turned out to be the biggest jerk EVER I have dated! You can't blame yourself for being human and falling for someone and for feeling...That is the essense of being human...and you are strong to allow yourself to truly feel. What I'm going to do now, is not let this heartbreak stop me meeting someone who is truly worth the measure of me. Im going to watch their actions...and I'm gone at the first sign of jerkdom! We go through this for a reason. I guess so we can appreciate someone good when they do come along. We should try and see the silver lining in the clouded sky! See the positive. See the sun. Pick yourself up! You deserve TRUE LOVE! I mean it! YOU DO!

I know that NC is hard and gettin over a break up is hard but what I find harder is feeling like a robot - which is how I am now, I'm just going through the motions. My relationship has been over 2 mths now. Over this period of time, I've been through the gamut of emotions - sad, angry, depressed and now I feel numb. Whats this about? At least with sad or angry - I know what I'm feeling - but to have no feeling??? I think of his name - and before it struck up a feeling. Now it just feels like nothing - another name. How do I deal with numb? I find myself out at social events etc.....and I still feel numb, not connected. Sometimes I just pack up and leave. I just don't feel sociable. What is this? What is this feeling? Am I depressed and don't know it? I'm confused. I mean everyday I do wake up and think of HIM, but its not in that sad way anymore. I have been asked out and I just don't feel ready to date anyone else. But I know whats going to happen - 2 months down the road I'll be desperate for a date and no one will ask me out then and I'll regret all the ones I turned down. How do I deal with this???

Well only you know what you are feeling. Have you said to your b/f that you feel insecure? Can he help you feel a little more secure? I was living a little on the edge last november and I found visualisation very good. Everytime your green little monsters enter your head - visualise yourself as as happy and trusting, see you and your b.f in very loving poses. And imagine the relationship as you would want it to be. Apparently if we can't see ourselves as happy, then we won't be. Imagine yourself as confident and smiling, that you DESERVE happiness and someone WHO REALLY loves you. Imagine that your b/f is really lucky to have MET YOU. Do this anytime you feel insecure. I hope this helps. It did help me. The book I got was called " Change your life in 7 days" by Paul McKenna.

You can't have your cake and eat it. I'm sorry, but you don't deserve both of them. I do think you have been quite selfish. You haven't been honest with both of them and have cheated. Can you imagine if either of these girls had done this to you. How stupid and taken advantage of you would feel? . Basically I think you need a break from BOTH of THEM. You don't know what you want. If you are to continue with your old g/f she deserves totally honesty from henceforward. If you decide to go for the new g/f - again no backstepping to the old one, just because its familiar and comforting.

I'm sorry but it does sound like he is not being totally honest with you. I guess I knew when my ex was cheating. It's like a 6th sense. You just know. Women are not stupid. Although guys think we are sometimes. All I can say is that confronting is not going to help - he will just deny or say you are crazy. Maybe it's time you had some space to yourself. Maybe it's time you took time out ? That does not mean break up, but you could suggest a little time out. I wouldn't even tell him why. I would just say you need space. Otherwise you could just confront him and ask him out directly. I hope this helps. It is hard when you don't trust someone. Our past gives us the experience to know when something is wrong or out of sync. Trust your own intuition.