Goldfish6888

So you are saying, when he meets a gal who in turn breaks his heart.....and leaves him. Would be nice to think that gal was me....now there would be sheer pleasure.

Thanks so much. I'm glad I did not post that email this morning. Something made me post it here online...and I knew I would get some good advice ( as usual!!) I only discovered this site about 2 weeks ago, but fair play to most of the people on here. Amazing! It's funny, I look at this name and it still stirs up feelings and emotions in me. I just would love to look at his name and think "loser." Yes, you are all right - I can't post that email. I did shorten it though: I'll leave it in my draft box for the next month...and if I think I still feel I should send it...I will ask all your advice again....Thanks so much...you rock! A Anyway first things first, thought I would point out, your profile "automatically" updated itself on the 17th May 2006 and that I set up a false profile again and you sent me a wink only recently from wildrover. I'm not gullible, A. tis' silly to lie. I've come to understand the reason I met you is to realise I consistently fall for people who are dishonest, hide things, lie, don't call when they say they will, date other girls, make promises and break them and make me feel insecure about myself. So, in short, meeting you, made me realise I was making that same mistake again and it's enabling me to stop this pattern of falling for the wrong guy. Your meeting me is an entirely different story. I would hazard a guess that you have met your match - someone who knows about YOU more than you do, someone who doesn't fall for lies and sees straight through them and questions you. I dated you or someone like you for 6 years, so I know you very well. You are an adult in your 33rd year not a teenager or a 20-something. Believe it or not, you only have 4 decades left if you are lucky - and think how quick the first 3 went. You don't want to wake up at 40, still chasing women on LL, link removed, link removed etc.... looking at your profile and winking at girls. I know you want a family and to be happy with someone as that was one of the first things you told me you wanted. You are just afraid of it. Maybe you are afraid of actually being happy? Maybe you are afraid of love. Don't want to let it go but don't want to really keep it either. Maybe you are afraid of security. Maybe your childhood was insecure. (well mine was with all the moving about and no father.) We both have very similar childhood backgrounds and parents - scarily so. Actually it's making sense now, that......... you are I are very very very alike - I also am afraid of happiness.....of real security..... or real love....... it makes me feel smothered...... it scares me...... that's why I fall for people who won't give it to me..that's why I'm constantly travelling.....on the move..... falling for people who live in other countries......moving houses....moving countries...planning to move.....anything but security and real life, 9 to 5.... That's why you run away from security and true relationships and seek news ones all the time. Only you can change and that's only if you want to. Kia Kaha / Go n'eiri an bothar leat S

KellBells response was good

Hmm Typical man....wants you to be around...for his, but he not for yours. I would message him - I have a problem...is now a good time to talk.....or do I have to wait till you have eaten? You also have to receive and he has to learn. Once you keep giving he will never learn how to give himself.

I suppose what I'm asking the forum here - is can these people change? Do you think a player can not become a player? I'm just wondering, because I really like to see some good in everyone? Help!!!

Have you tried Acupuncture? I found it great for stress? Especially the deep tissue massage they did around my head.

Well I've decided not to send that email. Whilst it was cathartic, I feel the NC rule, which I've learnt from this site would probably be better - leave him wondering where I am, did I get the email etc..... He does not deserve any closure...I can't save him. I thought I was being a bigger human than him..... Argh, how can people be soooo selfish....

Hi I actually got into my ex's yahoo and hotmail accounts accidentally....as he had left passwords on my computer...I would NEVER have known he was cheating...on me otherwise. There is nothing worse - it feels so sickening to the pit of your stomach.. I'm soooo sorry.....I know what you are going through as I'm going through it now. I've also got a body clock ticking and I know how strong this can be. I feel like time is running out and I had to say goodbye, yet again to another potential partner.

Anyone got any other comments? I still feel it was a good email.....Well if anything it helped me realise why I was falling for someone like him.

I must admit sex with someone you love is way more amazing that sex for sex sake. I may be a woman, but it is entirely more satisfying. thereforeeee, i feel the ultimate is sex with someone you love. The other is a more selfish "in it" for your pleasure. And you find when you love someone, you don't want anyone else with them - you don't want to share them. Maybe you haven't been in love yet, but you sure want your love all to yourself. As momene says, its keeping that love alive, that is hard....but if you imagine a relationship as a plant.....if you don't water...it...it dies....same with sexual part of your relationship. You get, what you put into something. I would definitely aspire to having sex with someone I love and cannot rate it enough. Next time you're in love or true love anyway, you will find this out. Happy hunting!

I see what you mean...I could delete the astrological stuff.......I figured that might be a much. Why do you not feel I should send this? I think anything that helps someone think about themselves is good.

Do you think me mentioning the astrological stuff is a bit hocus pocus......????Men might frown on it? I am strong enough to have it laughed at...I feel it might get to him...I hope it might....and then I can move on...head held high......Would appreciate more comments....should I wait about 10 days before I send this.....he made me wait 10 days?

I have placed a number of posts on this site about my long distance relationship. The other was about breaking up. Basically my ex has come back to me 12 days later, pleading his innocence that he was not guilty of having lots of other girlfriends, besides a long term g/f which I have since discovered. I want to send him an email that is constructive....rather than the usual go feck yourself......so I came up with this....if anyone has any advice on this, before I send it...... This is going to sit in my draft box and I'm going to find it hard to send. Anyway first things first, thought I would point out, your profile "automatically" updated itself on the 17th May 2006 and that I set up a false profile again and you sent me a wink only recently from wildrover - not HC, but someone else as I knew you would not be fool enough to fall for her twice! I'm not gullible, A. Not trying to rub it in, but just trying to say, tis' silly to lie. My best friend would be totally against me writing this to you as they he feels you are not worth it, "a leopard doesn't change his spots"....."once a player, always a player".......but I feel that I have a forgiving spirit that comes from somewhere and I guess I have a lot of guts and writing this has taken a lot of guts. Aside to mention, I got my astrological charts done for xmas from my bro and there was something in it about you, as I put in your birth date and I wanted to see what the future might bring - cos I had already thought of you in my future. The forecast said I had met you for a reason. I'm not really into all this "hocus pocus", but when I look at it, it all does appear to make scary sense now: Composite Moon Opposition Pluto: "The purpose of your coming together - or at least one of the key factors - is to dredge up and enable you both to resolve any from your pasts. The only real chance at happiness in this relationship is to acknowledge the feelings which arise, without compulsively acting on them, and to be willing to work on resolving the ancient griefs and issues from your pasts that are evoked. You may find yourselves compulsively responding to each other in ways that mirror your relationships with a parent/sibling. Ultimately your interaction can be very therapeutic if you are willing to be more conscious and to grow. Certainly this will be one of the most profound, involving relationships you are ever apt to have." At the time, I was worried about this. Well, I've come to understand what my "unfinished emotional business" was - it's that I consistently fell for people who are dishonest, hide things, lie, don't call when they say they will, date other girls, make promises and break them and make me feel insecure about myself. I know I deserve more - as the auld lads in Comhaltas said.......to you...."God you are a lucky man to have her." And the man who actually snares me will be lucky. So, in short, meeting you, made me realise I was making that same mistake again and it's enabling me to stop this pattern. Your meeting me is an entirely different story. I would hazard a guess that you have met your match - someone who knows about YOU more than you do, someone who doesn't fall for lies and sees straight through them and questions you. I dated you or someone like you for 6 years, so I know you very well. I hope I am also someone who will make you have a look at yourself and stop lying to yourself. In the long run, it is going to make you very unhappy. You are an adult in your 33rd year not a teenager or a 20-something. Believe it or not, you only have 4 decades left if you are lucky - and think how quick the first 3 went. Love is hard to find - it deserves to be cherished. If you don't feel like you can "handle it" or it "smothers" you, let it go - or else make it yours and be honest to it. I would ask you to just try this for 6 months, try "not dating" other girls, put everything into your relationship with your gf, whoever she is and if then it doesn't work, leave it behind to find someone else who will cherish it This takes real courage. I know you have that from your past somewhere - a lot more courage than fighting W.W.2. You are always going to be insecure and unhappy in the pattern you are living. You don't want to wake up at 40, still chasing women on LL, link removed, link removed etc.... looking at your profile and winking at girls. Think about how happy a family would make you....someone who grows old with you....loves you through thick and thin even when yer old and crotchety...all those lovely memories to be made. I know you want this. Deep, deep down, I know you want this. You are just afraid of it. Maybe you are afraid of actually being happy? Maybe you are afraid of real love? Don't want to let it go but don't want to really keep it either. Maybe you are afraid of security? Maybe your childhood was insecure? (well mine was with all the moving about and no father.) We both have very similar childhood backgrounds and parents - scarily so. Actually its making sense now, that......... you are I are so very very very alike - I also am afraid of happiness.....of real security..... or real love....... it makes me feel smothered...... it scares me...... that's why I fall for people who won't give it to me..that's why I'm constantly travelling.....on the move..... falling for people who live in other countries......moving houses....moving countries...planning to move.....anything but security and real life, 9 to 5.... That's why you run away from security and real true relationships and seek news ones all the time. I'm starting to understand now. This email was not for me, it was for you and now it's also turned out to be for me too. Shyte. Please just think about this - bring my words to the cottage with you and think about it what I have said. Your other choice is why not try being "free" for about 6 months? It will be lonely - yes, you might feel insecure - yes. Not loads of girls calling you and ringing you. Stay off the dating sites. You might not have regular shags and stuff, but it makes you realise what you really want. This could be your year. Make it yours - A. Stop lying to people and yourself. There is still a part of me that misses the old A, the one I thought I knew. I'm not sure now if he was real or what was real. I know I did have a lot of fun and moving out of Clearwater Cove brought them back to me. Well I certainly wanted the best for him and I certainly was there 100% behind him. Just try and break the pattern, like I am going to try and do. Even writing this email has made me think about things about myself. Whilst I am not dishonest, I do tend to run away from the "nice guys" - the ones who will cherish me and I now realise I was being dishonest with myself too. * * * *e. The one thing is I would say, is You have to "do", rather than "say" for a woman - Actions do speak louder than words. Don't say I love you...do something that says I love you.You have to start trying to give, rather than receive. God, I sound like a bloody priest or a therapist, but if this email helps you then well then they are words well said. Look after your true love A. She deserves nothing less. Kia Kaha / Go n'eiri an bothar leat

He wrote to me today and has lied and said that his profile has been up there since last year.......I know for a fact it has been changed a month ago...he said he actually forgot it existed....what a liar.....Needless to say, I've adopted the NC approach and wont be responding.....I feel stronger now. Glad I learnt more about NC from here!

Also, why when I mentioned I had turned other men down...did he reply "good", that should have been his time to say something like " well that's okay as we are a long way away"....

No, we never actually did have that conversation. I took his words...like "thinking of ye and miss ya terribly"....as signs that he was interested. I think you are right about the long distance thing as its hard, but I do believe that you can know even after three months, if that is the person is for you. I know two people who met in March 03, had a week long relationship, a six month email relationship with two visits in between of about 10 days, and then by October, they had relocated countries, moved in together...on the basis of just about one month actual physical contact. They are very happily married now and very well suited.........The "moving in" was purely because he was having a tough time in his accommodation and we knew it was only going to be for about 3 weeks until he left for his knee operation.

Yes, I really think he started to believe his own BS. God knows how he has rationalised our break-up in his head...I probably became another one of the loco girls...he was always going on about. When I had quizzed him about past girlfriends...he said they had always turned out to be nutjobs....and I joked "are you sure you don't turn them into nutjobs!" Then I asked him was I a nutjob? And he said...."nah, you're different, you are classy....remind me of my granny!!!!" Well, I did take that as a compliment. I suppose I did end up probably being the closest thing he had to a "relationship", so I hope that I gave him something positive anyway.....Okay, I won't email all these girls...but I am addicted to looking at his hotmail...as it's kind of voyeuristic...and interesting to see how his mind works....

Hi, Brickchamp. The same for my relationship. I just never heard from him again 3 weeks ago. It's tough, because you feel you put so much into the relationship, the least you deserve is a proper face to face goodbye. Most guys are cowards like that.....they avoid confrontation as much as they can. Generally break ups are they start pulling back....you realise this.....then they start to not call, when they should....and this is how they break up with you. I don't think there is an easy way to break up with someone.....I really don't. Love is tough......but we can't give up on it!

I just want to wish you the best of luck..as I know how you feel. I too am living under a cloud....it's like a mist has settled over my life, without him...and everything I knew before has now changed. Take care and look after yourself.

Thanks a million....I appreciate that you told me he is a player. I should have known that he was wayyyyy, wayy too good looking to not be. He also kept going on about how he hates where he lives...cos everyone is into how they look....but I doubt he has ever dated anyone other than for their looks....My friends think I should use his hotmail account to email all the other women in his address book to tell them what an A.H. he is? I don't feel I could do that, as that's not my style. BTW, thanks for the compliment!

PFO is a great one!!!! Please do use it!!! It's a Dublin saying. I feel like a bad judge of character that I couldn't see through the playing??? Why couldn't I see it? He just seemed so sweet and good to his family and also thoughtful. Do you think he had commitment issues? Do you think he had ANY feelings for me at all. I know thats of no consequence, but it would be nice to think there had been some sincerity in our experiences together?

I just want someone to tell me....was I stupid to think that I was special? Did I pick it up wrong?

He didn't call me. So why should I call him? I said what I had to say.....I said it on June 13th by email. As my sister said, if he had any feelings for you, he would have responded, either with closure or a phone call. I would feel like I had totally lost my pride if I phoned him. No way. NC is the only thing this man deserves. Besides, i dont' think he has been crumbling...as I've checked his hotmail account and he's been pursuing some girl he had a relationship with last year.....the lines he is feeding her....include....."I know I f'd up last year on you...but not a day goes by...when I didn't think of you...I'm so glad to have you back again in my inbox". If he is writing this the day, after receiving my email when I told him to PFO ( please feck off) then he didn't waste any time crying over me. He's now giving this girl the cold shoulder...as soon as she's showed some interest....hes backed off. I suppose the only good thing is I was never part of his chat hotmail inbox - I actually emailed his email account which he used on his resume....so I guess I was kind of privileged. I even met da parents...who incidentally were lovely...and his mom sent me lovely xmas cards and easter cards...Really nice family.....I guess he is addicted to his chat thing and having lots of girls. But this is one girl that he can't have.

I think you are right to the NC. Don't feel guilty at all. He is obviously very insecure and needs to feel in control. Just see this time as space for you. Don't see it as a break-up. Clear your head and your thoughts. If in 6 weeks time, when the wounds aren't as raw and you still feel the urge to call him. Then do. The wounds are still raw, Don't be hard on yourself. Just treat yourself......to a little retail therapy...and it will take time. You are right, he was giving you scraps. You deserve more.

Hi - I just wondered what people would think about my story. Basically I met, shall we call Mr x last April on a dating website. We started emailing for about 6 months. Some days we would email 4/5 times per day. These emails were amazing, really sharing, really deep stuff....and just wonderful. He started to get quite personal as time went on "like you know when you are onto something good." Finally last October, we met...he had flown in to relocate to my country. Apparently he was going to be here for the long haul. Anyway, I was all nervous meeting this person, who I knew, meant so much to me in email and was afraid the meeting would not go well. I wanted him to mean more in person aswell. Anyway he was very handsome and very charming. We got on like a house on fire. After about 3 months of dating, we got very close. He ended up moving into my apartment. He then dropped a bombshell that he had to go back to his country for a knee operation. But he promised he was coming back here. He told me he would miss me terribly. Anyway, Christmas was tough, but I then got an email saying that he had been accepted to college and he had to take the course for his long term security. I wanted the best for him, but was absolutely gutted he was not returning. In the meantime, I was travelling with my job. I called him regularly and he would panic when he didn't hear from me......and I told him there had been lots of guys asking me out, but I had turned them down. He said "good". He also emailed me...when I had bought a house " hope ya don't mind...but I'll be movin in with ya when I get there!! lol.... I guess from that response I thought there was some kind of an understanding between us. Anyway he said he wanted me to come visit for his Birthday which I did. We both agreed, when we met again, after the 3 months break that it was like we had never left. It was great! We just got on so well. It was really easy....and it was just lovely. He said he really wanted to come live in my country and I joked you'll just have to marry me! He responded " thats my plan, don't jinx it! Another night, he said "I love the name.......Ciaran...thats the name of our first son". Anyway, I was very sad when I was leaving. When I arrived home, my email inbox, said "lonely in my dumpy apartment without ya, missing ya". He had agreed to come visit in April, during college break. Then a turn of events happened. College went on strike. In the interim, he said to me " why am I postponing returning to your country, when I really want to be there now". I'm going to drop out of college. He then did this and was looking for a job. In the meantime, he told me he had applied for his visa to work here. I redid his resume for him in European style and I was also helping him with a business proposition here. In April, I was being sent to the US on business and I told him I could manage a 2 hour flight up to see him. But he told me he had a job interview and he would be in Florida. But he never offered for me to come see him - yet I was in the same country?! I said I was disappointed that it appeared he didn't want to see me....he said don't be disappointed. But I was. I switched off my phone....as I thought I'm not going to be available to him, as he didn't appear to be making an effort to see me. When I arrived home, a week later, his texts said..."where are ya...I've been calling and texting and no response from you...let me know". Anyway.....to cut a long story short...each time on the phone.....his move to my country kept getting postponed...first it was definitely May, then July, then it was Octoberish. The last day we spoke was June 2nd. He called me to say, he had a new job and he would call me over the weekend. He never called me. A whole week passed and I didn't contact him....I guess i wanted to see how interested he truly was......and did the NC work. Anyway, on the weekend, I decided to check a dating website...and I found him on it - actively looking for someone. I installed instant messenger on my computer and surprise, surprise it had kept his details. I was in his hotmail account as he had obviously been using chat on my computer when he was staying in my apartment last Nov. I couldnt resist the temptation and i looked at his hotmail....on it were hundreds of girls, he had chatted to...and about 10/11 regular email contacts about dates and stuff. I hadn't realised he was dating so much. No wonder I never heard from him at weekends. Even the week, i had visited him in Feb, he was still emailing all these regular dates of his. I sent him an email, telling him that I had seen his dating profile....I never said...I had seen his hotmail...and that I had deserved honesty....rather than him telling me he was moving to my country.....I mean every email...was always going on about moving to where I live. I told him, I couldn't wait forever, and that I too had started to date again ( I lied). Anyway, did I do the right thing? I can't believe he was using my laptop in my apartment to chat to lots of girls. Did I miss something here? All the while he was dating me, there were lots of other women.......but why hadnt he been honest about that? Why did he always say good, when I turned men down....is this someone who wanted their cake and eat it? Help fill me in...