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Goldfish6888

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  1. Goldfish6888
    Don't feel hopeless honestly - the fog of your break up will clear. Take this from someone who was through this only 4 months ago. At the moment, You are experiencing the gamut of emotions ALL at once - break-ups sometimes make it really hard to know what we are feeling. One minute we are happy, and an hour later, we are crying because some song comes on the radio, that brings us back to a happier time with our ex. Then two hours later, the anger can surface. Its tough, I know, There obviously was a good reason why you broke up. Friscodj is right, you did this for a reason. There is no easy way to do a break-up so whether this was done in a cold manner or whatever is immaterial. I actually don't know many exes who I've remained friends with. These promises of "friends forever" usually cannot survive in the cold light of a break up. My ex has been trying to be friends with me again, but somehow I just feel, how can I forgive and forget? I know its the christian thing to do - that it takes more guts to do this, but somehow I find even 4 months later, there still is a little wound there that only gets salt on it, when he tries to contact me. Relationships, break-ups, all happen for a reason. Our life experience is about growing, learning. You can't see this reason at the moment, because the break up is too new. But eventually the reason will come to light. Be easy on yourself! Take the advice Friscodj gives aswell as pamper yourself. To stop that feeling of helplessness do something you haven't done in while (even if you feel powerless to move and want to just sit there). Call a friend you haven't been in contact with for while. This is when you are at your most tender, so you need that extra tlc. You need to create a little calm and space (in your head and heart) for yourself so you can write that essay. I hope you feel better today...And post here if you feel helpless or panicked..about it
  2. Goldfish6888
    LDR can work - if you keep up the contact on a very regular basis! As long as you both know what you are getting into. You have to discuss things - indepth - like if someone else asks you out...what each of you will do...how you will cope without the physical contact... There are tough times like when you are out with your friends and you cant date anyone else - and you see other couples and miss the physical affection, in this way, LDR can be LONELY! I've done it for 6 months and it drove me mad....as I truly missed the physical contact. But if you give each other enough love and affection through email, instant messaging and phone calls - it will help you get through. As long as you discuss in depth what its going to mean for both of you. You could always try out LDR for a while and see how its working for you both. You might want to allow each other to date other people after a while. It really depends on how strong your feelings and how well you communicate verbally with each other. Good luck! A year and a half can fly in- believe me and if she is worth the wait then do it!!!
  3. Goldfish6888
    Sometimes the emotions a girl feels during making love are so strong, she just wants to chill out after having 1000's of nerve endings all tingling at once!! I don't think its a bad thing! When you reach a climax, the only thing you can do is come down for a while!! If the feelings are really intense and she is having really intense orgasms, she just wants to regroup herself! This often happens to me - I just turn away and chill to myself for a while. Give her about 10-15 minutes and then you can give her a little soft affection...and shower her kisses and I'm sure she will be responsive! Cheers
  4. Goldfish6888
    Why don't you invite him for a male bonding session weekend out in your place? Just saying you'd love to hook up and go camping or fishing together or go to a game together or whatever you guys used to do in the old days? Maybe he needs a break.. When you break your routine and sit back, you gain perspective - also as he's working so hard, he probably needs a little R & R. That would be a good time to have a really good chat with each other and for you to express your advice. Maybe thats all he needs. His messing around with a lot of women is just his way of dealing with the pain of losing his wife. You already are a good friend as everyone said by listening and being there for him. God knows, I probably drove my friend Orna mad, when I'd call her 10 times a day looking for advice. I know I didn't always take it, but it was nice to know someone cared.
  5. Goldfish6888
    Thanks Sad_now. I didn't expect such a response to my post. I guess the whole headline "I spent a night with a married man" provoked a lot of responses in people. Maybe If I had not phrased it this way, people might have been less judgemental and heated. I'm happy to say that Mike has not contacted me and I can safely pack this experience away into a suitcase under the bed and hopefully learn from it. I feel that some people have been harsh on me....when I've already been harsh on myself and also already judged myself on it. I do respect their opinions, but I've found myself a little depressed this week after reading some of the comments from some postings. Its kind of like you know you've done wrong and I can't expect support from enotalone for that, but some postings have been tough to read. I have been judged, here and the jury has spoken "Guilty" - when I already knew this. Thanks for your support Sad_now. I mean, thanks to all for the advice and taking the time to respond to my thread, but some of it has been hard.
  6. Goldfish6888
    Hi Sad_now I know exactly how you mean. The old adage "absense makes the heart grow fonder" does actually work and you find when you are in some sort of contact, a "breakup" or this "pseudo" breakup appears easier to deal with. At the end of the day, he deserves to be a "quivering wreck" and you deserve to get on with your life. He has dug his little hole for himself, so let him "grovel" in it for a while and the only way you can truly do this is for proper NC. Without proper full NC, you are not moving on. You will have find for the first 2 months, all you will think about is him....in the bar....shopping...remembering his way he stirs his coffee or seeing someone that stands like him....or a voice that sounds similar....but as long as you maintain some kind of contact you are not moving in. You know this, I know this and we all know it. I know its easier said than done. Listen to me giving advice, when I broke NC over a week ago after 4 months. I even broke it this morning, just to tell him to NOT contact me again. I hope you can find the strength to not pick up the phone again. He does not deserve you. XOXOX.
  7. Goldfish6888
    Okay, I broke NC. I was away on holidays in California and I missed him and I sent him a text. Nothing like....hey....I miss you. Just that it was a pity he had let me down. I was shocked when he responded friendly like.... Hey whats up....I see you are back on link removed. Guess the guy from Cali is no more. I'm sitting here having a guinness and eating some lunch. I responded and said I had to go back to work and that I don't internet date anymore. He then said....whats wrong with it? sure isn't that the way we met? Then that night at about 3am he sent me a text saying Are you up? I didnt respond as I knew it would mean a phone call or something and I just couldn't face that. This morning, I arrive back from holidays and he has emailed me. He has gotten all angry with me and his tone is that of someone annoyed that I did not reply to his text. Apparently he is coming to live in my country in Paris. Why, is he coming here now? This is really affecting me. Just as I am over him. this happens.
  8. Goldfish6888
    Thanks to everyone for the support. I've done something recently I'm ashamed of and I know its all these feelings of being alone or of not having anyone. Please don't judge me on the other post. Thanks again enotalone and everyone... xoxoxoxo
  9. Goldfish6888
    Sorry to hear that Sad-now. Thanks for the advice...Its real and I feel your pain. We make mistakes and hopefully we learn - thats why we are here. I know people would say to you - you knew what you were getting into. Sometimes, we rationalise this by saying - well its only a coffee, or its only a chat, or its only a friendship. Then you find you are falling for him - and you find everyone else pales in comparison to him. So you keep meeting them. Then you are hooked. It can happen soooo easily. I won't fall for anyone's lies again, as I'm just out of a really messy relationship with a serial dater and player. I'm still working through that. I don't even think the Fireman had lied to me - he told me he was married, he said he had kids. Nothing was going to happen - until we had a few more drinks and then things happened. I don't even think he had an intention of something happening - honestly - he didn't seem that type of guy. I am walking away from this mistake - seriously. Since reading all these posts - the Married fireman has become a distant memory. I still feel BAD though as I should not have let drink become my dictator. I just want people to know - we are human. we make mistakes. I won't repeat it. I'm vulnerable right now and really after a few drinks, the emotions just came out and he happened to be there. But I truly had NO INTENTION of contacting him again, when it happened. There has been NO Contact since and thats almost 2 weeks ago. I will let you know if he does contact me - but I have no intention of getting into anything.
  10. Goldfish6888
    I can see that many people here know - just as I do - what I did was wrong. Some people I think have been hard on me. That night, he had been chatting to me, I was crying as I said "my heart had been broken and I was lonely" and he was consoling me. It did feel really nice. But in the cruel daylight - it means nothing - its just drinktalk. I guess it was a shoulder to cry on and then it just turned into something else. I haven't heard from him, so I can only presume that he too has seen it as a mistake - which is a good thing. I just hope that no one ever finds out about this. I have to put it down to my drinking - as I know if sober - I would never have done it. I would hate to be married and that happened to me. I've always said to my partners - as soon as you think you would like to cheat or have feelings for someone else, please let me know so that we don't have to do things behind each other's back. All postings have only verbalised what I've already thought - so you are preaching to the converted - I know it was wrong. I wouldn't want him to leave his wife anyway. It was a "one night stand". I had even joked that he might set me up with a single fireman from his station. I think a lot of posters feel this was an affair or a long relationship, but it was simply a couple of hours with a lot of drink involved. There was never any question, that I would get into an affair. Even if he did email me - I would not entertain "an affair". Sure we live at least 5000 miles away from each other - so it would never be possible. I would never break up a family anyway - so I'm not sure why some posters feel I would even entertain this thought. I made a mistake - I know it. I would contact him - if he contacted me - simply to say that it was a mistake. Anyway, there is absolutely no way we will ever bump into each other again. I'm not going to get into an affair - let that be clear. Thanks for your advice - everyone. Please don't be hard on me. As I already feel and know I've made a mistake. I can't blame the drink - even though it clouded my judgement.
  11. Goldfish6888
    I Guess I'm just really lonely. Thats why I settled for a one night stand with a married man. I know what I've done is wrong. I totally know this. Don't worry I'll be cutting all contact even if any is made. Thanks to everyone for their comments. I don't feel any better and I guess a lot of the postings are also making me feel a little worse about what I've done. Goldfish
  12. Goldfish6888
    Hi, enotalone. I spent the night with a man who was married about a week and a half ago. The thing is I feel bad about this and have told no one and will tell no one about this as I would be ashamed. He told me he was married, during the course of our evening, but I had had a lot to drink and found a way to tell myself this was okay. My rationality (at the time) was it was going to just be a "one night" fling and I would NEVER see him again. I just found him easy to chat with, cute and also great fun. Anyway, we ended up having a lovely night together, one of the nicest nights I've had in about 5 years - tender and loving etc... Let it be known, I have never, EVER done this before. EVER. I think I have been lonely for a while and he was a really cute fireman, with a nice body and showed some interest in me. In fact, he was very sweet and couldn't understand why I wasn't hitched up with someone. The next morning, he called my hotel room with an excuse to call up and see me (he had a bottle of water for my hangover), I told him to just drop it in reception, but he insisted on coming up to my room again. In the daylight of the morning, we kissed again and there were very strong feelings. He felt like someone I had known for ages. Anyway, he was keen to keep the contact, despite the fact we live v. far apart...I joked that he might set me up with one of his single colleagues. I didn't give him any way to contact me - but if he wants to find me he will. The thing is I would like to contact him again....we are too far away for any relationship, but I did feel a strong bond. Could we just be friends? would that be cheating? Am I messing with fire here? I am confused. I think of that night often. I feel bad since I've found out he has three young children. I would certainly not want someone else to do this on me, should I be married. So I've serious double standards here. Am I a bad person, that I should have done this? What is going on with me? I must admit, I've not felt as strong an attraction with someone in a long time. I even said to him, why are the good ones always taken?
  13. Goldfish6888
    I guess sometimes we are not ready for relationships even when the best thing ever comes accross our paths. I certainly have given up many, many chances of a nice guy, just because I had been hurt in the past or I didn't want to get emotionally involved. I think this guys DOES like you, but where it goes now is a bit of a crossroads. Either way, I think if you continue to be cool and just hang with him, you will have a good friend....and who knows...maybe he will notice you as something MORE in the future. In the meantime, keep on your positive track, meeting new people (don't just concentrate on him), be self-centred and carry on in your positive way with your hobbies and stuff. As Bethany said, remember he is not the only fish in the sea! You are doing great! Keep the faith.
  14. Goldfish6888
    You will find something special again. Honestly believe that from one who has loved and lost. You went into this with 100% honesty and you let yourself be vulnerable and fall in love - that takes courage and took time to get to know him. Looking back we tend to idealise things and look at them in rose tinted glasses. Maybe there were signs you chose not to see in the first rushes of love? My last relationship was like you say, ideal and everything was picture perfect and textbook - but at the end of the day, underneath it was just a facade, he had another g/f at home in the US and a couple of others on the go besides me - so it wasn't really that ideal at all. It appeared to be ideal. It was a farce. He took the cowards way out, by cheating. I'm sure he did love you, but some people just are too selfish to be a relationship. They don't deserve to be with a giving and loving person. You trusted and you were let down. A good way to try and view this is - Is there something you can learn from this? Is there any way you can take something positive from your experiences? I like to believe relationships don't work out for a reason - we live, we learn. Generally break-ups make you a stronger and better person. You know what to look out for next time. On the positive side, you are really young and have a lot of living to do! You have lots of people to meet and find a real ideal love...just have faith.....it will happen.
  15. Goldfish6888
    I'm not sure that you should contact her - will it open up old wounds? If you feel it won't and you are strong enough to do so, then by all means, drop her an email or message. You obviously have a generous spirit. If you do contact her, keep it short and to the point. Just a quick hi like - Just thought about you the other day - and I wanted to say quick hello! Hope you are well! I wouldnt mention that you actually know anything about the cheating as it looks like you had been keeping an eye on her. See if she responds and where that leads to. I find it hard keeping in contact with my exes, but there is one that recently got married and I dropped him a line congratulating him on his recent nuptials. He never responded. But I'm well over it now, so the lack of response didn't affect me. Good luck!
  16. Goldfish6888
    Hi! I had split up with my b/f (who was from Chicago) and I'm from Europe. I was utterly devastated as he had said we were soulmates etc....I truly felt he just wouldn't break my heart. I had 100% trust but anyway, it all went pear- shaped! Anyway, I packed in my job and moved out of my apartment share and spent 6 months travelling to get over it! I just felt I needed to do it. It was like I needed the space from my friends and environment to find out who I was again. I ended up staying in Boston, Jersey and Florida. Along the way, I had some little guardian angels....a couple in Boston, gave me a car! Then in Florida - another elderly couple almost adopted me as their daughter with lovely homemade dinners and a car! I found that Summer helped me find out what I wanted in life....my career, who I was again....and I felt a great sense of freedom. On July 4th, I was in Boston and just decided to drive down to Florida for a week - as I had no ties, no job, nothing to keep me there. I did it. It was a wonderful feeling driving down the I-95, radio blasting and the sun shining....I felt free. Like Thelma and Louise! And I started to feel whole again! I did have a few little Summer romances and it all helped me recover far quicker than staying at home in my usual routine....in the rain.....thinking of him.
  17. Goldfish6888
    Hi Locolady I'm sorry to hear your b/f didn't respect you and you had to find out about his infidelity the hard way. Why don't you go to your local doctor and get yourself checked out - just to reassure yourself that you are physically fine. I'm sure you will be, but that will give you peace of mind to help you move on and be less worried. I know you feel dirty and betrayed but just remember you have done nothing wrong here. Don't feel like he has made a FOOL of you, he has made a FOOL of himself! Your b/f is the one that has totally betrayed your trust and respect. I've just come out of a relationship, where my b/f was sleeping with multiple girls. I was able to deal with this better and get over it quicker than my first b/f who also cheated on me. I guess because I'm not going to let him stop me healing, or make me lose my faith that someone v. special will come along who will love me and not even THINK about anyone else. Don't let this bad experience affect you into the future. You will meet someone else who will truly love you and your love will be more than enough. In the meantime, just concentrate on you and getting back to your sense of self. You feel dirty and that every other guy is dirty because of this betrayal. This has coloured your vision. But not everyone is like your ex. Trust that. When I split with my b/f of 5 years, it did take me some time to trust in other men.....even to fancy someone! I just didn't want to know men! This is a natural healing process. It takes time. Just don't feel guilty for anything. You did nothing WRONG and you deserve better next time.
  18. Goldfish6888
    I think life is too short to not tell her how you feel! If you decide to drop the friendship because its getting too much for you, then you are losing that anyway, but if you lay it on the line and tell her how you feel, you may win her? It is a gamble, I know, but if you feel it's worth the risk! I am in a similar situation with a guy in work who I really like, but I'm just not sure what to do either....but then thats different...if I tell him how I feel and he rejects me....we work six feet away from each other....awkward!
  19. Goldfish6888
    That is true. I won't be with anyone unless I really really want to be. But Do you think I should just settle for Mr Right now? I mean, Time is moving sooooo quick and before I know it, the big 40 will be there...and still no sign of me having kids or a family - which is really important to me. Maybe I should just settle? I could have a b/f now if I settle. He could grow on me?
  20. Goldfish6888
    You know you deserve more. Give him another 2 weeks, If he doesn't "up" his behaviour - you need to give him the heave-ho, I'm afraid. sounds like he is not ready for a "relationship".
  21. Goldfish6888
    I know a lot of my friends....who just manage to split up from one relationship and then easily find another one. So....there must be something I am doing wrong or approaching relationships in a wrong way...
  22. Goldfish6888
    I just wonder if I'm doing something wrong? I mean I must be....
  23. Goldfish6888
    I know you are right....but why, oh why....do I have a really bad choice in men! Like about 2 weeks ago, I was waiting on a friend to arrive in a cafe.....there was a really cute guy sitting reading his newspaper. He left to go to the Mens room and I couldn't believe he left his wallet and blackberry behind. Anyway, I made sure they were okay, keeping a watch while he was away. When he came back he joked" I knew you would look after it!" My friend arrived and we all got into a convo. He seemed really nice. Anyway, my friend invited him along for dinner. He came and my friend said he seemed really keen on me and he appeared a "nice guy" He paid for dinner for both of us and walked me to the metro or subway. Anyway, he asked me for my number and we arranged a date the following sat. Well I turned up....and he didn't..... I was really down as he seemed really nice. I didn't need more dints to my confidence. So then.....2 weeks later, I'm out for morning coffee on Sat....I notice this guy that looks "familiar" playing with a baby and a woman beside him. It was 10am in the morning. This was definitely his child as he was really "hands on" and then I realised it was HIM. Anyway, I got my answer as to why he didn't turn up... I know its a lucky escape, but why...oh why...do I get the AH's making the moves and not the nice guys. I know I sound like I'm moaning. But I really am lonely. So lonely now it hurts. And its not like I can remedy it....like I can with changing my job...or buying a new car or changing my life. It's really out of my control. I have to wait and see who comes along...or if he comes along at all. I know you are saying I'm going through this for a reason and it will all work out in the end...but I've been saying that for 15 years of dating. So where is the light at the end of tunnel?
  24. Goldfish6888
    But this is just not a stage for me - it has been like this for most of my dating life. I actually have a really strong sense of self as I went for some counselling last year and this came up in my profile test. I just am tired of being alone. I will still go out and have a good time, but it's hard to continually try and be positive. I did get a book, which uses positive visualisation techniques and I did it for a while. But when nothing changes in over a year since doing the book - it's hard to remain positive?? I know I have a lot to offer. But when the pattern of no one asking me out continues, I just feel very sad and down. Its the end of the Summer, another year has past and still I'm alone. None of my relationships have worked out - they either break up with me for someone else or they are players. Even the nice genuine guys don't seem to want to date me - even when I drop hints or am friendly. I just don't know what else to do...
  25. Goldfish6888
    Hi...My problem is that I can't seem to find someone that wants to date me. When I'm out, I get looks from men and they appear to find me attractive. I notice guys whistling or making comments whilst I walk down the street, but they never approach me. I was out at a bar on Sat night and a cute man kept looking over, I smiled and made eye contact, but he never came over. I gave him encouraging looks and a friendly smile, but it just didn't work. He even asked my male friend, if I was free. But I still ended up alone at the end of the night and no date. He left and that was the end of that ;-( I don't want to have to do any running, as it's not worked for me in the past and only ended up in heartbreak, so that's not the solution. Then I met another guy through a work colleague, he was apparently impressed with me. I told my work colleague that I was interested. He gave him my number, but I never heard back from him??? I have recently taken up a new sport, which I thought might be a good way of meeting new people rather than in bars and nightclubs. Each weekend, I go away to play sport, My mom makes comments "like did I not meet anyone yet?" I've told her to not make comments like this as my confidence is already at an all-time low, without her making it worse and putting me under pressure! Guys do make comments to me like "I bet you break a lot of hearts etc"....but then why am I always alone? I have a lot of male friends and get on really well with them, I'm friendly and outgoing and not aloof and standoffish. I just don't know what to do more to have someone want to date me??? I just feel really lonely. I do my best not to appear desperate or like I'm on the hunt for a man, so I always just enjoy myself and my friends...rather than sitting at the bar looking like I'm on the prowl. I don't appear all sulky or sad when I'm out, just smiling and approachable, but it never happens. Please help as I really miss having someone and I just feel like a dating failure! What am I doing wrong??? I am crying at my desk as I write this as I feel very low...
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