Goldfish6888

I think you should ask he out. If you wait, you might well lose her! She might think you're waiting means you are not interested. You don't want to be kicking yourself! Live life in the moment. Enjoy every day. Life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans!! Go get her!!

He called me last night and asked me out to his house. I'm delighted to say I didn't go!! But anyway, I also have a little news....I'm going on a date on Thurs. Don't want to jinx it but he seems nice. Wish me luck!! G Fish

HI guys I've not posted in a while. He asked me out for a drink last Thursday night and I said I couldn't go. He said "Oh I feel the rejection and it hurts!" and I joked " well you're used to it, being a salesman - just keep knocking on those doors..." But today, I still really have feelings for him. I really do. I had a dream last night, where he was holding my hand and it felt really good to have him hold my hand and I just find it so hard...working so close to him. He had said about a week and a half ago - if I fancied going for a drink/coffee when he got back from being on the road and I said "Yeh, maybe sometime in the future" and I joked about where he is from and kept things light, but I was really non committal. I have these feelings and its really hurting me saying "no", but I'm trying to do it for my own good. Why am I back in the same place again? Help?

Hi Nick How is it going for you? You've not posted for a while.

hi You say that this has been caught on security camera, so your actions will be seen as self defence? So why is she going through with it, when ultimately she will be seen as the one who started the whole incident? She will then be found out by her family and the court. I'm kind of puzzled. I think ultimately you are lucky this relationship ended. She sounded like trouble and she needs the kind of professional help, you could never provide. I know you cannot see it now as being a good thing, but things do happen for a reason. Maybe you would've ended up dead or at worst, seriously hurt. I know you did love her. But I wonder what kind of love she had for you? Certainly not true love when she is going to court and accusing you of hitting her. This is not what we all deserve. You don't deserve it and suicide is not an option. You have been given a life - and there is a reason why you have, so please don't waste it.

It doesn't matter who cheats "before" or "after" each other. The issue here is the lack of trust, confidence/respect for each other that made both of you cheat in the first place..... If you want to make this work, accept you messed up and he should accept he messed up, wipe the slate clean and move on with each other on a clean slate. Otherwise this is going to eat you up inside. Trust is so important for your relationship. You are both going to have to work on building up the trust. If he is not pulling his weight in this, then its time to talk to him about?

I came accross some really good books from Louise Hay. You might want to take a look at some of her approaches to life and healing our lives etc... Break-ups take a while to get over. It is hard. No words I say will console you. You will have up and down days....but they are your journey to recovery. I felt numb for the first few weeks as he was in my thoughts everyday and I had to try and edit him out of my thoughts. I would have panic attacks. Now I'm back to my positive optimistic self. Talk whenever you need to here...I found it really helped me...even if it was only to VENT!

Hi Nick If you look over posts on this website about No contact and why people do it and why it is so widely advocated on this site you will read that it is purely for the benefit of you - no contact is about allowing you to find out who you are again. Allowing you time to mend and hopefully move on and find someone else. Its not a case of I am starting "giving her more space", you are giving YOU more space... Its not a case of showing her this, its a case of trying to move on with your life. Do you know what I mean? I know you probably love this girl, but the sad fact is at the moment, it is not reciprocated. And I think you are recognising this. Which is why it is normal for you to feel sad. In terms of her coming into the office - Its natural for her to wonder is she doing the right thing?....that she may be discovering the grass is not greener on the other side and hence her visit to the office. She is trying to keep the contact with you, trying to keep the ties. Which is easy for her as she is the one holding the cards. But by you keeping the ties, you will never get over her. I made this mistake about 5 years ago, you are not "acting mysterious" - you are actually living a separate life from her now! Acting happy is good as sometimes we can wallow in our own misery! Anyway, I know when I go into the office miserable I don't make for a very nice colleague! You are doing the right thing by concentrating on you - but stop wondering how its affecting her. This is not about getting her back this is about getting yOU BACK! I had a thing going with someone in my office and he didn't want a relationship...and I found by cutting the contact to professional and keeping it light and not personal and by not seeing him as much as possible - I feel MUCH better. I was able to get over it. He is the one now asking me for coffee, but I'm TOO BUSY! HAVE STUFF on etc., And I don't even think I would consider him relationship material now. I deserve better! Go nick, you know you deserve a full on relationship with a girl that can't wait to see you everyday and wants you 100%! Not crumbs on the floor when they might be sprinkled for you to pick up! Keep the faith!

Even if I wanted to see Mike again I couldn't - he lives in a different country. Anyway its well forgotten about at this stage. Thanks for posting everyone. This goes down as a bad life decision, but one which I learnt from!

Thanks I'mthatgirl. He's out of the office all week and I'm soooo happy! I can actually breathe! Thanks again!!! For your lovely advice

Remember she is the one that said she didn't want a relationship - so thats what she should be getting NO RELATIONSHIP!!!! Don't mean to sound harsh...but I'm just as bad as you when it comes to NC, but I guess we have to be strong for each other on ENA!

The point is YOU ARE looking for a relationship. So why would you hang in there? Frisco is right, this doesn't look too good. It does sound like the guy is not going to get involved anytime too soon. At the moment, it is probably all about sex. If you can remain distant and don't get emotionally involved - this would be tolerable. But I think that would be hard - as you said you get on really well and that you are compatible - there's a connection there. I too find it hard to meet compatible people, but I pull the plug, when they can't give me what I'm looking for. I am single and would definitely prefer to be single than in a relationship that WILL not or does not give me what I'm looking for. Its time wastage and its also energy sapping. After all, a person that wants to be with you is what you deserve! Hope you make the right decision. Don't expect anything less than the best!

I feel bad because I'm being quite rude and this is NOT ME! He asked me to get more business cards printed for him and I said "okay I'll get 500 done for you"....He said "I really, really appreciate you doing this for me, you are very good, thanks so much". (over the top) and I said "well J, it is my job you know" and he responded "well its just nice to be appreciated"....and he thanked me again as he was leaving the office for a meeting....He was almost like he was pissed that I had been curt with him. He was supposed to go to my last play (I'm an actress) on Thursday (I'm giving it up) and has said "I'm goosed, I have the girls, sorry I can't go on Thursday as promised". I just responded " no worries, its not important at all. Its fine." And got on with my work. Am I being a removed by moderator>? What do you think? I'm being professional but I'm just not giving him the time of day. Last night as I was leaving for after work drinks with one of the girls from the office and someone said "have a great night" and I responded "we'll try". The look of shock on his face.......it was strange. Why was he shocked? Was he afraid I would spill the beans on him? Am I acting this out right? Its sooo hard working with someone when all of this has happened. I'm starting to see his marriage didn't break down for no reason. And I wonder what that reason was. he's portrayed himself as "wronged", "Mr Nice Guy" but I'm sure there is more to him than meets the eye. I just feel bad, because I actually can't stand him...he makes my skin crawl....but I still kind of have feelings for him? What is this?

She is feeling you pull away. thats why.......... Dont' contact her. Make her miss you when she is away. She has made it clear what she wants and until she comes to you and says she has changed her mind. Continue to think that she no longer wants a relationship with you...she needs her space.

Nah he is sickly friendly. This morning tried to strike up convo with me...but I was quite curt. He is really annoying me.

Hes really pissing me off at the moment......started talking in the kitchen.....about colleagues who are eligible for me.

Thanks I'mThatGirl. I'm fine. Actually I feel quite strong today. Put on my high heels, pencil skirt, silk blouse and cashmere coat into work today. Blow dried the hair....which I recently got cut and coloured and am GOOD TO GO! I feel good...nothing like a little bit of preening to up the confidence levels...when you have been dumped! Was out last night with parents for dinner and had a v. eligible bachelor give me the eye!! Probably one of the No 1 bachelors in the country! So its nice to know!...he owns the golf club we were eating at and came over to our table - asked us to stay for a drink - but I had to head off as up at the crack of dawn this morning! This morning J is fussing about me....will I close the window for you......are you too cold? ETC., Not sure if I feel disdain or what I feel...but whatever it is ...its helping me get over it. Sometimes I miss talking to him on the phone....when I could call him up at any time of the evening...and I keep fantasising about us making love...and then I scream at myself...and tell myself to cop on! This is real life. He missed his chance. He had it. He always talked about meeting a girl who is nice and is easy to talk to. He met one and he didn't even realise it. Thanks! Amazing what a haircut and a week can do for ones' self esteem. Hugs

Hi Julie Found this and thought it was interesting. ************************************************* When you think about the qualities found in a true "soul mate" relationship, what one word comes up most often on the top of your list? Is it CHEMISTRY? Probably. Just the mention of this term conjures up powerful feelings and images for anyone who has ever been in or seeking a love relationship. It is often described as a feeling that leaves you breathless, excited and weak in the knees. Palms sweat, the heart races and the body tingles with nervous anticipation. It is believed by virtually everyone that true love cannot exist without chemistry. thereforeeee, the conclusion most would-be lovers come to is that if they experience these intense feelings towards someone, they have the basis for an ideal and lasting relationship. Right? Maybe not. For this definition of chemistry is limited to one's physical response to another person. It lacks an entire dimension that resides in our values, beliefs, personalities and worldview. In order to know you have the right connection with a potential (or existing) partner, it's important to have a basic knowledge of what real chemistry consists of, instead of embracing only the myths that surround it. This can be difficult to do. This intense, physical passion is the stuff that Oscar winning movies and best-selling books are made of. So, take a step back for a minute and see if you recognize yourself in the following. Sarah is a thirty something, very attractive and successful, professional female. She has been in a relationship for over a year with a man who is unfaithful, disrespectful and incapable (unwilling) to make any commitment to her. Yet, when he makes late night "booty calls", forgets her birthday, or stands her up repeatedly - she remains available and willing, in spite of her general unhappiness and upset over their "relationship". Why? "I think I have mistaken great sex for love. I feel this intense chemistry and physical intimacy when we are having sex, even though he offers me nothing else. Over time, it has left me unhappy and feeling badly about myself." John is an attractive, intelligent, 30 something male who owns his own successful business. He's dating a woman that he thinks he is in love with. He has knowledge that she has been out with other men. She cancels dates and is often critical and emotionally distant. She refuses to discuss commitment or taking the relationship to the next level. Yet, she turns to John for emotional, physical and financial help whenever she feels she needs it. Why does John continue to see her? "She's beautiful and the sex is great. We have such strong physical chemistry. It's almost like an addiction for me. My friends can't stand her and even I know she's not really a "keeper", but it's hard to walk away. These vignettes are great examples of how physical chemistry can be mistaken for the real thing. The attraction on one level is strong, yet these are not relationships that have the right elements to grow into happy and satisfying partnerships. So, what is missing? Kahlil Gibran defines it as "spiritual affinity". It's the hidden element of chemistry. It's when two beings meet and connect on a deeper level. It can only be felt in the heart and soul. It's about friendship, respect, humor and the feelings of warmth and contentment that come when you are in his/her presense. People often report finding one without the other. This is understandably a cause of great frustration and confusion about whom should we choose and why. In order to understand this better, it is helpful to know how and when each facet of chemistry occurs. Physical attraction (or lust) generally begins during our first contact with someone. It can DEVELOP into something more over time, yet some pull is there from the beginning. The chemical that results from this attraction (and intensifies it) is phenyl ethylamine - or PEA. It is a naturally occurring substance in the brain. Essentially, it is a natural amphetamine. It stimulates us and increases both physical and emotional energy. The attraction causes us to produce more PEA, which results in those dizzying feelings associated with romantic love. Another substance that is released by PEA is dopamine. This chemical increases a desire to be physically close and intimately connected. When these chemicals are being secreted in larger doses, they send signals from the brain to the other organs of the body. If you wonder why you or someone is attracted to the "wrong" person, it may be because you are high on the physical response to these substances, which overwhelm your ability to use your head and exercise "good judgment and common sense". "Spiritual affinity" develops over time and repeated contact. When these feelings begin to emerge, the brain produces endorphins. These are more like morphine and result in an increased sense of calm that reduces anxiety and helps to build attachment. As relationships move into this phase they are characterized by more comfort, commitment and friendship. Generally speaking, all "soul mate relationships" require at least some measure of each of these. The important thing to remember is that they come in stages, which is not to say that the physical attraction passes as one moves into a deeper connection. However, it changes. We cannot sustain those intense emotions as we travel down the road to commitment and a shared life. However, in healthy relationships those moments of intensity can and do occur for brief intervals at intermittent times. Remember not to confuse great sex or deep friendship with romantic love. Instead, look for a measure of both of these in your feelings for another. For then you have the ingredients that lasting love is made from.

Thanks Mgirl. He's out of the office now and I feel much more together again. His marriage broke up and he couldn't give me one solid reason for it, besides saying "she was depressed" and wouldn't take her tablets. Surprising that his marriage broke up for such a small reason....that most people would get help to work through. In hindsight I think it is strange.

Hi Julie Of course, people make mistakes. I'm sure no one will condemn you. But I think you are going to have to talk to a counsellor. You are confused. I'm not equipped to tell you to leave your marriage as - as only you know will find the answer through proper talking with a counsellor. Try going on your own as maybe you are not being honest whilst John is there with you. Chemistry is great yes...but it disappears over time. You felt alive and awake because it was NEW! We all do....when sex is not familiar. I just don't want you to do something stupid just because you are realising that at 30 you are building the foundation for the rest of your life. I really think you need to think long and hard about this and try and get that space I was talking about. Even if it is for a weekend.

Sorry Julie. Should have welcomed you to enotalone aswell!

I think the poster is genuinely conflicted on her husband. I don't think she knows yet what she wants. She is searching for answers. Not someone to condemn her for something she has not even done yet! She needs support and to look at ways of finding out how she truly feels.

This is a tough one. It sounds like a mid life crisis - 10 years too early! You are hitting 30 and you are looking at your life and re-evaluating things. You sounded trapped in your post and I'm sorry to hear you are torn. Its only natural that a 10 year relationship will start to become routine and less passionate as it was in its early years. But think about the positives you have with John:1) A sensitive loving man 2) generous and kind. This is a fabulous foundation. I wish I could find that. I think I could work on the passion as long as I had that! You're wondering if the grass is greener and let me tell you it's not! Its hard to find someone like John - so your fears are well founded there - you probably would regret letting him go! Let me tell you, the guys out there who are truly decent are few and far between. So count yourself LUCKY! Secondly, you really sound like you do need some space. I'm not sure whether thats a 2 week holiday away or a "trip to your long lost friend" in North Carolina (I'm making these up), but maybe you do need to clear your thoughts. Have you two ever been apart for long? I'm not sure what other advice I can give as this is a hard one. There is no easy answer. You have to decide ultimately what will make you happy. What do you want? Do you want kids? Do you want adventure? Maybe you want to travel the world with John before you settle down? What does he think? Is he still really passionate about you? Have you ever thought about getting outside of your normal environment? eg; Paris...on a romantic week....(I'm biased! of course), a quickie in a motel some Friday night? Maybe you are bored with the normality of your life...maybe you need some excitement and you both would benefit from it? Some new experiences might be what you need to jostle up those old feelings again. Everyone has doubts. True Love is never 100% all the time, True love is everchanging, its all about dealing with reality. You have everything that a lot of us gals would love.....Maybe you just need some space to value it more? Just a thought. Hope some of this helps! Hugs...

You have not done anything WRONG! You are worth SO MUCH! It is simply that your trust was betrayed by him and it is only natural you are going to feel insecure and worthless for a while. If anything, he needs to be doing some legwork to dispel feelings of insecurity and also to make up for his infidelity. The person who is betrayed - thinks...."what did I do wrong?" "Was there something I could've done to prevent him cheating on me?" The answer is NO! The person who cheats has this capability to cheat in built in them. It is also a selfish trait - or maybe he thought of it as "my last fling". Of course, people can change and I'm sure your husband has entered into a marriage understanding the full meaning of it. Communication in a marriage is No. 1. So, you both need to sit down and talk about it. You obviously have to work through this and he is going to have to help you through this. He should after all, be your best friend, your lover, your confidante. Isn't that what we all want in a marriage partner? In order for your marriage to work, you have to speak about these feelings with him. And he will have to build up the trust again. I hope this helps. Perhaps if you can talk to a best friend or your Mom or someone aswell. A little bit of counselling may also help.

Sorry I misread the post. He did call, but he called LATE!!! Almost as bad as not calling. You were still right to have made other plans. He has some neck to think you'd hang about waiting on him!! You've apologised. When I think he should apologise. As far as I can see you've done nothing wrong except be the mature person here.