SMF

Thanks. Your comments make sense- but in practical terms, not being friends in a closeknit office, sitting 10 yards apart, and having rubber band fights three times a week is going to be very difficult indeed. Not sure if / how I can do it. Maybe partly because I'm not letting go of the hope... Seen my wife a few times recently- had nice evenings- but today was boring. No drinks or meals- and the normal, ordinary day reminded me just why I left. Tricky. Feel like Im back at square one and no clearer than the day i moved out.

Thanks folks. Life is hellish at present. Im not the type to readily have these crushes- its been 15 years since I felt like this about anyone- and Ive been with my wife for 12 of them. To a large extent I think I was making all the effort in my marriage- thats just how I am. Wife now says she wants to chaneg that but who knows how it would work out. Ill constantly be wondering whether there is something better out there- because Ive discovered that Im still capable of having those powerful feelings. Had pretty much forgotten what that was like. I just wish I could get on with my job without my stomach being churned every ten minutes by the green eyed monster...

I've not been physically unfaithful- but I am absolutely besotted with a girl at work (Ill call her "K"). She knows that but has said she is not interested- although that hasnt changed our great friendship. She (bizarrely) is besotted with another fellow at work in who is in the process of leaving his wife (for essentially unconected reasons). He has recently had an affair with another girl in the office who has now left- K was upset when she found out and I was a shoulder to cry on. Things have thawed a lot between K and the other guy though, and there still seems a good chance they will get together. He supposedly cares for her (albeit I think hes probably bad news as do most of her friends). I am desperately trying to accept the fact that, regardless of whether she and this guy get together or not, good friends looks like its all we are going to be. We are very good friends. I'd hate to change that. Its a special friendship Id be loathe to lose. She makes me smile and laugh far more than anyone else I know, or have known. It IS a mutual friendship. We always have a great time when we do stuff together and she considers us to be very close. I moved out of my marital home (no kids) and am living in a flat. Life isnt bad here. I see K quite often after work for a drink and a laugh. Recently I have seen my wife a few times as well, and we've also had a good time and she has ended up staying over. 6 weeks ago, I had no interest in my wife whatsoever and thought the marriage was probably over. Now Im not so sure. However, I go to work every day and am faced with the pleasure of K's company, as well as the pain of seeing her getting on well with the other guy. Its absolutely screwing me up inside. I wonder whether I need to find a new job and just get out. But thats not very practical for a number of reasons. Is there any way I can actively try to dampen the way I feel about K so that (1) I can behave normally at work even when hes around and (2) work out whether ther eis anything left in my marriage worth keeping? And all without losing the great friendship? Impossible question probably- but I am so out of control of everything at the moment,Im hoping that there is some positive thing I can do to help me deal with all this better.... I want to be happy for K and supportive, not * * * * *y and jealous. I want to be able to assess my feelings for my wife without them being constantly overshadowed by my clinging onto a seemingly hopeless dream of getting together with K. I should say that whilst this all sounds incredibly sordid and like a bunch of kids messing about- Im 32, K is 27 and the other guy is 45(!) and we're all professionals... Help!

Well... One way or another its going to get sorted. My wife appears to have reached the same conclusions that I have. We have talked and laughed about it, not a tear in sight either side, and agreed that we will have a trial seperation and see how we feel. As of tomorrow I am hunting for a flat near to work. Im kind of relieved that we have a clear plan of action and no one is bawling their eyes out.

Me again... Still not sure what is going to happen. My wife actually agrees with a lot of the things I have said. We are just comfortable and we are both actively thinking about whether that is the best thing for us in the long term or whether we can get more out of life apart. Anyone, as much as I try to separate things out, the girl at work remains a big part of the equation for me (I know she probably shouldnt- but its just impossible to separate those thoughts out). Problem is, I don't know if she's even going to be there if I go through with this. We are good friends, exchange dozens of emails or texts most days and had a great lunch together today. Last week I called her and told her how I felt. But she understandably says that she wont allow herself to think in these terms whilst there is a chance she could influence my decision in any way. She said today that her biggest worry was whether she had done anything to precipitate all this. I told her no- which is true. All she has done is be herself, which happens to be very attractive to me. Shes been brilliant- we've carried on with virtually no awkwardness at all. Its driving me nuts though- she holds a key piece to the overall puzzle and I simply don't know how she feels about me.

All entirely fair comment... We have no kids. I think (and hindsight is a wonderful thing) that we got together at a time when we both craved a long term thing- and it was immediately very easy. That, in many ways is pretty special in itself. I think that I convinced myself that this was the grown up thing. The mad passionate things Id known before are for teenagers and settling down with someone sensible is the next stage. Which is why its a bit of a shock to find myself unable to sleep and nights thinking about this other girl. Its a feeling I havent had since I was about 19! (and in all honesty never really had with my wife). I have mentioned many times over the years how upsetting it is that she is disdainful of my interests, and doesnt seem bothered with offering me any support on the rare occasions I need it. Its just the way she is. I should say, I don't believe Im actively unhappy. Just that perhaps I am wasting my best years.

Thanks for the reply. Neither of us have ever really had an interest in children. I think at least on my part because that would be it. Trapped! She does seem distraught at the idea of seperating though. Thats really tough to see. I spend all day convincing myself its the right, logical thing to do. Then go home and see her and cant bear the pain im inflicting on her. Like I said- I do love her. I do wonder about grass is greener syndrome. Im conscious though that the girl at work is literally the first in 10 years to make me think this way. Im quietly terrified that if I leave, and the girl at work doesn't work out either, then I may have thrown away a winning lottery ticket- even if its only a modest prize, gambling for a bigger one!

Im 32, married nearly 4 years, together with my wife nearly ten, since we met at university. I was her first serious boyfriend. Id had one lengthy relationship previously and was frankly rather lonely when we met and searching hard for another long term partner. Lots of things have nagged at the back of my mind during our time together. Shes not really my "type" and I have never been overwhelmingly attracted to her physically. She's not much of a thinker or reader (whereas I am) and (without meaning to sound unkind) we dont really operate on the same level in terms of intellect. We very very quickly became comfoprtable together. By which I mean we could say pretty much what we liked, let our faults show and not worry too much about it. We got married at a time when it was plainly the next thing to do. We had a house, cats and had been engaged a while. So we went ahead. That was fine. We have never had a huge amount in common, other than our comfortableness with each other. I couldnt really say there was ever much of a spark. I never felt that swelling of pride to walk into a room with her on my arm, but am protective and supportive. We have both had times when we have thought we might be better off alone, looking for something new and I guess we are both in a rut- but a very comfortable and easy one. Mostly when we do something together it revolves around eating and drinking- which we both enjoy anyway. These days we come home from work, she watches soaps and I play games or guitar. We go to bed and do the same again the next day. We have sex maybe once a month and even then Im generally not especially bothered. Thats been the way for a long time. Its not a great problem. I suspect we could bumble along for another ten years- and maybe forever and not be actively unhappy. She doesnt have any interest or enthusiasm in the things I do, and isnt very supportive ont he rare occasions when I have a problem. Im just a bit of a burden to her if I have something making me unhappy. I do love her. I have however become utterly besotted with a good friend at work and realise that I feel for her already far more passionately than I ever did my wife. She is not an excuse, but rather has made me stop and think about all the things that have nagged away at me over the years- and made me realise that I have just been settling for "easy and comfortable". She is very bright, she can talk with me on a far deeper / more sophisticated level than my wife ever could. Her vitality just makes me feel good to be around- something Ive not really felt for years. She (being a very decent girl) has said to me that she simply cannot think about the possibility of us getting together or tell me what she feels about it, because Im married. So I dont actually know whether, if I leave my wife, she will be there to go to. Ive talked to my wife at some length (without mentioning the girl at work). It was hard work because she simply couldnt or wouldnt really discuss our feelings and situation in any sort of depth. I can see however that she is miserable and does not want me to leave- and I cant bear upsetting her like that. So.... Its all a bit of a mess. Im trying to gather all the thoughts and insight I can from friends, from the girl at work (who has been brilliant about it all) and, now, from here....