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sophie274

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Everything posted by sophie274

  1. sophie274
    In my opinion, you don't have to particularly "like" (as in have affinity for) everyone, nor should you try to always agree with them, but you should be civil, polite and respectful towards everyone. If someone is rubbing you the wrong way, you can try to minimize the contact you have with that person. And as Eva said, if someone is driving you nuts, just remember, what they say is "water off a duck's back" (you're the duck!). Just brush it off and keep on going.
  2. sophie274
    Ok, I'll take a stab at this. Andy, have you stopped hooking up with your cousin (I am talking about anything remotely sexual at all)? You must absolutely stop this if you want to remain with your wife. If you can't control yourself around your cousin, I would advise not to take this job. I'm pretty sure your wife would rather you made 10 dollars/hour than you were getting blowjobs. I also think it is imperative that you start to take responsibility for your own actions, for instance what happened with your cousin and your inability to find a job. I've noticed a pattern of blaming others - you have to step up to the plate now. I would also strongly advise counseling with and maybe without your wife. I see a lot of problems for such a young union - jumping into things, the affair with the cousin, $$$ problems. These problems are all serious, and need to be solved now, and I would suggest you get a professional to help you through these.
  3. sophie274
    You could try getting a job in a related field, getting some work experience, and looking for a good job in the field a couple years later. What sort of jobs are you currently looking for?
  4. sophie274
    I can understand how you feel. Way passive aggressive of him in my opinion. Just say "thank you" and cash that check - because those are your $$ !
  5. sophie274
    I used to set an alarm too (7:30 AM !!!), now I just take it in the morning when I wake up, since I wake up at around the same time every day. I think +/- an hour is not so bad ... fingers crossed
  6. sophie274
    Hey Locke I honestly don't think I'm uptight, and as you saw, several women felt the same way. "Clues that tell you it's ok to touch her first" : I just think those can be so easily misinterpreted. For instance, the example you gave (repeatedly touching her hair or face) - I have long hair and I fairly often readjust it, but I can tell you if some guy I was just friendly with reached over to my hair I would feel disrespected. Touching my leg? No way! I am friendly, smile a lot - but I am not a touchy-feely person. I don't hold hands with my female friends, I don't hug my friends every 5 seconds, I don't sit on people's laps, I don't playfully mess up their hair - and I expect the same treatment. And I really don't think I am denying my evolutionary needs ... Anyway, to each their own ... but I would not go around assuming people are dying to break out of their "properness" and have stroking sessions!
  7. sophie274
    The pill and condoms. Would love to switch to a non-hormonal method of BC, but there isn't much out there that's appropriate right now. Waiting for the man-pill so I can make my boyfriend take it ! lol
  8. sophie274
    Well, if it was bothering you then I guess it was good that you asked. Not sure what the point of asking is though if you are certain she is lying ... (Which is strange in itself - did you lie?) ... and if you think the subject is "unimportant" then why did you ask? Now that you have your answer I think you should let the subject rest. BTW, her number seems totally normal to me.
  9. sophie274
    Hey Lily Of course you can do school - you got into the school you go to now, and you have said in other posts that you have gotten plenty of As. You know your current method isn't working out. I don't have all the info to tell you how to change it , but I think you need to make a change now. Here's the thing: when you get overwhelmed with work, it gets you down, makes you feel de-motivated, incapable, depressed, and then you find yourself unable to just do it. Since you know this is what happens, you have to make sure you never get to that point: make your studies a priority. Make sure NOTHING comes before. Make realistic timelines for yourself. Find places that are conducive to studying. Make little deals with yourself (if I finish this I can go see a movie tonight). I think your main problem is that you've really allowed studies to take a back seat. I can tell you - I've done badly on tests, not studied for them, handed in a lousy essay - but I would never ever hand in something late. I am too scared of the consequences, and have made that a NO in my book - a line I just won't cross. I think it's a huge issue that you've convinced yourself that it's ok to hand essays in late - because now you don't have a deadline to make you do something. Same about getting an F: you know it's not ok! I'll tell you - F is bad. Just sounds to me like you're setting the bar so low there is nothing, no expectations or pride to make you do your work. Human beings need incentives! And good luck with your essay - I hope you finish it today! I think the more you compare the two countries the stronger an essay it would be ...
  10. sophie274
    Let me see, my sister just started dating someone and she was GUSHING. Here are some of the things she said: - he was really into her - great sense of humor - book smart but with social skills - great conversationalist - good-looking - mature - popular amongst her friends (good sign that he is a nice guy)
  11. sophie274
    Oh I guess I will add a few "tips" - Teasing but not too much. Don't go overboard and sound mean. And as my father always says (in a another language, not sure how this will translate): the shortest jokes are the best! - Ask him/her about him/herself. I guess this applies more to dating but if you allow people to tell you about themselves, they will come away thinking "Wow, he/she was so interesting!". Funny, but true.
  12. sophie274
    I do not like for guys to touch me unless we are good friends w/o sexual tension, or they have the title of "boyfriend". (There are some exceptions for certain gestures, but as a general rule ...)I find it disrespectful and often presumptuous. What bothers me the most about it, however, is that it's quite the ruse: there is simply no nice way to tell a guy to take his hand off my shoulder without sounding rude, so if I usually decide I would like a friendship with the guy I often end up just sticking it out or "pretending" to shift positions. The corollary to this would be that even if you have your hand on a girl's shoulder or around her waist doesn't necessarily mean she has the hots for you: she may just be too shy to speak up. This is probably quite personal and not true for a majority of women, so this is mainly a word of caution that you want to pay attention to what kind of person she is (touchy feely or not) and how she responds to your touch if you are touching her.
  13. sophie274
    I think most people have at some time or other dealt with acne. I'm sure she knows all about x-cream and y-gel and facials this, and dermatologist that ... unless she has been living under a rock! If I were you, I would only say anything if she specifically says "I need help with my acne can you help me?"
  14. sophie274
    ^^ Yes, exactly! I agree that 21 isn't exactly "baby age" - sorry if I gave that impression in my post! But this is just a whole different ballgame. They've probably been married for ... 25 years? It's just such a complex animal, that I don't think you should touch with a 10-foot-pole, most of all because it's not just any old marriage, it's your parents marriage.
  15. sophie274
    It seems like you two have talked about it - sounds like she really wants to go but feel conflicted about it because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings? It's definitely not good that she didn't talk to you about it, but I could see why she might be worried to bring it up. Are you ok with her going with another guy? I went to my high school prom, and it was totally unromantic - I doubt they would fall in love over this one night! If I were you, I would tell her to go, but maybe you two can plan a special date night together where you both dress up? I think it's compatible for you to want to marry her and for her to go with another guy - as long as he knows that it is strictly platonic. It's hard to tell from your posts whether you are just feeling a bit insecure about the relationship, or whether she is actually pulling away. Are there other issues in her life that might be putting her down? Sounds to me like your relationship may be a bit stale - time to reinject some life into it! Plan some fun things, stop talking about problems and just enjoy each other ... About saying I love you - did she used to say it in front of others? If she never has, then I don't think you have much to worry about. I love my boyfriend very much, but I have never ever said it in front of anyone else, or even said it to him when I was on the phone with him and others could hear. I am a very shy private person, and saying I love you is an intimate moment for me - and I don't want anyone else to share in it!
  16. sophie274
    It's a bit hard to tell from your post - are you ashamed of his weight or something similar, or do you just think you two make an odd couple? I'm a lot shorter than my boyfriend (by 8 inches) - and at first it was a bit weird hanging around someone so much taller than me, but I got used to it. And I love his strong build. My aunt and uncle are oddly matched (she is 5 foot, he is 6'5), and people totally laugh when they see them together (especially since she is quite dark and he is very blond), but they have been married for about 20 years! If you don't find him attractive, then you probably shouldn't date him. Finding your mate attractive is a key component to any relationship.
  17. sophie274
    And the place for her to get emotional support is not from her daughter! Her daughter is not a full-grown adult, and is not equipped to deal with issues such as theses. And frankly, in my opinion, it is inappropriate to talk about marital issues with one's children, because both parents will always be parents to the child. A cheating husband can still be a good father - not as easily if the mother is talking about him in a demeaning way to the child. OP - I'm sure your mother has thought of this, but you can suggest she get professional counseling, but if I were you I would insist that she not bring you into this.
  18. sophie274
    Hey I think you're doing the right thing. What you need right now is to get your education so that you can eventually be independent from your parents, move out and be able to date if you wish to do so. It will definitely be hard to get over him, and you will go through a lot of emotions and a lot of hurt - but if you choose to get over him you will - though he will always have a special place in your heart as your first love. I agree with the others that you might try to meet other Muslims who also follow whatever particular brand of Islam you follow - though if you are not allowed to date, meeting men might bring more temptation. Good luck at Yale! I am a sophomore at another Ivy League school, and I also want to go to med school, so PM me if ever you want!
  19. sophie274
    Exercise (but not right before bed) Not drinking too much caffeine Giving herself 1/2 hour of "wind-down" time before bed - taking a bath, reading a fun book, tidying up her room, setting out her clothes for the next day, writing in a journal Doing some relaxation exercises before bed so her mind is at rest But most importantly: Turn OFF that computer! If she's wasting time on it, she should get in the habit of shutting it down when she is just lounging around or doing HW. I do that, and it really helps curb the temptation. All she needs is some willpower - if she KNOWS she needs to be in bed and is chatting online, she has the power to change that. She should try to convince herself that even though she is lonely, sleep will make her feel so much better than chatting. Also she could try to fix that loneliness - plan more time with friends during day, call someone during the day, study around other people so she feels less isolated... Hope this helps!
  20. sophie274
    I also wanted to add it might be useful to cut back on the video games. I feel like if I'm not putting much effort into something, it's usually boring and seems useless. Once I devote more time to it, look into the subject more, start getting good grades, get more interested in the topic ... it's a snowball effect. New things will excite you! So definitely make time in your schedule for things to interest and surprise you. If you are doing things with the goal of "Let me get this done ASAP so I can go back to doing X, you tend to get less out of them".
  21. sophie274
    I selected the parts of your post that struck me the most. It seems obvious you two have different values. She was into settling down, nesting, building the future, and you are into living "in the moment". I don't think it could have worked out unless you agreed with her to settle down ... and at 35 I think she was right not to wait for you. If you are not ready to work and take on some responsibility then, when will you be? Forgive my honesty, but it sounds like you were quite selfish in the relationship. You refused to move to her area even though there were plenty of jobs available to you there, yet expected her to get a secretary job to live with you? And making her essentially take a pay cut even though you had no place to live there and no money saved up? After 18 years, she was probably tired of waiting. You say you didn't want to move in case it didn't work out - after 18 years?. I think she was right in assuming that if you couldn't commit by that time, you likely never would. I'm really sorry that you find yourself dealing with a painful break-up, but from all the info you have given us it sounds like it may have been for the best. Once you both heal, you will both have the opportunity to meet people who are more compatible for the long term.
  22. sophie274
    Hugs to you - you've been put in a rough situation. I have to say, I think it is extremely irresponsible and unfair of your mother to put you in this situation. I don't think she should be telling you these things: it is your parents' marriage, not yours, and this is a matter for two full-fledged adults to discuss and work through. There is nothing for you to gain by being put in the middle - and I don't think it's right that you should be made to evaluate your dad's actions before anyone knows what happened yet. I would ask your mother to please allow you to stay out of this, and not to bring it up in your presense. It is really setting you up for a world of hurt, resentment, maybe even guilt. It is simply disadvantageous to you in every way. Please ask her to shield you from the issues in their marriage. You must be feeling a million different emotions right now - it might be wise to think about a few sessions with a trusted adult or counselor to process what you've been through.
  23. sophie274
    But if you're the type of person to "hold it against" him, then why would he want to date you anyway? I just think why not make up all the rules you want for a potential partner, and then if you can find one that fits, good for you. Also I disagree that the past number of sex partners is irrelevant - some numbers can certainly only be had through casual sex, and to want to date someone who feels the same way about sex as you do seems totally relevant and permissible. Anyway I don't particularly care to argue this forever, but I don't see what the problem is with people coming up with their own little algorithms for who they want to date and have sex with. But then they shouldn't complain if they can't find anyone who is willing to date them!
  24. sophie274
    I can see both sides of the coin. It sounds like to me like she is quite shy - which could be making her hold back in her expression of pleasure. Also I have found that if you are nervous, your orgasms will be less intense, so ... I do retract what I said earlier - I think your approach sounds healthy, and not all that presumptuous at all. Sorry for the misinterpretation! One last idea: maybe your expectations for the sex are making her nervous? Could she be faking because she thinks you expect an orgasm and she wants to perform? I would try not to emphasize her inexperience vs. your experience too much - I imagine it would be a source of stress/worry for her.
  25. sophie274
    I have to admit I sort of agree with BrokenHeart. The sexual activities you and she are starting are individual to your relationship - and I think you should approach them that way, rather than from the basis of your past experiences and relationships. Do you know she's less experienced that you? If you are just assuming on the basis of her pubic grooming, I think that's a huge assumption, just as I think the assumption that you are making in regards to her faking is massive. I agree with BellaDonna that you could ask her what she would like, what you could do to improve, etc ... I would not tell her that you think she is faking - if I were in the situation, I would find that question extremely offensive if I was not!
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