lovehurtz

Day 4 He called a couple of times this morning. Yeah. I turned off my phone [: Staying with NC [: BTW...love the song "Over it" by katherine McPhee...totally my situation!

Day 3 So he called me last night...about 3 times and I thought I had turned my phone on silent before going to sleep and I was wrong...surprise much? It was from restricted so I picked it up and it was him and he started talking to me...apparently, fate was at its best yesterday so my phone was quite statickish and so I shut it off and txted him and said"sorry. I dont want to talk." I guess during that time, I fell asleep. Woke up this morning to 21 new txt messages and one cruel voice message. Then shut it off again and woke up to apologetic voicemails. While I was listening to these, a restricted number beeped in and i picked it up and 'twas him....of course, saying how much he missed me...blah blah blah...and I didnt say much...let him talk for 5 minutes and declared that I had to go. He promised to stop calling me. Sometimes I miss him. But most of the time..I remember how he made me feel and all the mean mean things he did. ]:

Day 3 I broke NC. ]: not really though. kinda. i guess. more in detail later...

Welcome hfsf! We're rootin for you girl!

You shouldn't. A broken heart is analogous to any other wound. Why would you want to cause it excessive amounts of pain? I'm sure that checking your email and finding nothing from her stimulates the rush of disappointment that you feel ever-so-often. Would you ever go rub salt on a fresh wound? Of course not. Then I suggest that you stop doing it to your heart and block her off of your email so that you are already expecting no emails and thus, feeling less disappointment. This is not about her. Its about you.

Day 2 The true pain of healing hasnt kicked in yet. Im taking this really well, surprisingly. Donno why. Probably because I got out of an abusive relationship and I realize all the things he did to hurt me? And perhaps because its the summer...and I dont have to see the fool for the next 3 months. It may be due to the fact that I'm the dumper so socially speaking, I'm probably adopting the society's bountiful role of the dumper, because subconsciously, it may help suppress the pain. I have been socializing lately. Best-friend and I had a reunion yesterday and then went to a "dance party" which was a blast. Tomorrow, I have my best-friend's going-away party and then a friend and I are gonna go hit up some places afterwards. Then another party on Sunday. Not sure about all of next week...perhaps the gym. Saturday though...I'm going on a road-trip with a guy I dated back in the day and some of his friends....that should be mucho fun. Any ideas as to why I'm not feeling the sudden pain of the breakup?

adlkfjkladjfahhhhhh....this is sooo hard. valiantv: in early historic times, when the roots of all the religions were being built...you know that Islam gave women the most rights out of most religions in that time period? ISLAM itself, is a very beautiful religion that emphasizes good values like Christianity and Judaism and Hinduism...etc seem to do. its the CULTURE that has completely destroyed that image. I mean, is "honour killings?" or "woman's room?" hahaha. I feel like the culture of middle-east has literally destroyed the image of Islam in people's eyes and I dont feel like blaming Americans and other Europeans of having the wrong image of Islam. I blame the corrupt muslims. I mean...jihad? the concept of jihad is going to war when someone is directly interfering with the practice of your religion and AMERICA was CERTAINLY not doing that. Trust me, I am a living, walking, breathing proof of complete contradiction between culture and Islam. They are definitely not the same, I assure you and what you seem to be hearing, is more of the "cultural" side. [:

OH, he would DEFINITELY be older than me. My parents have an 8 year difference between them, that means....since I'm currently 19...they would want a guy that would probably be like in his late-20's or mid-30's...a "well-established" man....who has LOTS and LOTS of money and ZERO love to give.

Isistaria: Yes...I feel as if its the right thing to do too. and me and you both know what would happen if I go back to Iraq. My parents would want me to get married to a chauvinistic Muslim guy who would "keep me on the right track" and would require me to be his "sex slave" and basically just a toy for his desires...and I don't want that at all. Hazey_Amber: yes that was indeed true, but the thing is, religiously, it is definitely okay for me to marry anyone who I find attraction to but he has to be Muslim [for the upraising of our kids]. CULTURALLY, [which i despise truly], my parents want me to get married to an Iraqi guy who is of our race, speaks our language, follows this cursed collection of traditions. They would HATE me if they knew I wanted to marry an American guy. Which is quite ridiculous, because I've spent my whole life here. I mean, if I lived in Iraq, my definition of "attractive" would probably lean towards Iraqi men, but considering that I was born and raised in the U.S, I find American boys very attractive. Another little obstacle that I have to encounter is that since I'm not Indian...I LOOK American and I go by an American name so of course, American guys will try to make moves on me here and there and my parents will freak out if and American guy even CALLS our house. which is wacked up. Thank God for cell phones [: So, they would disown me because I wouldn't be marrying an Iraqi boy. I'm sure you're aware of this, but in middle-eastern societies, culture and religion are both almost EQUALLY strong and in some aspects, they are contradicting. Like the arranged marriage concept. DN thank-you so much for your help. I will try and move on and I think I'm going to really truly try in these coming up months till mid-april [cuz thats when we see how things are going]...and practice NC.

Hazey_Amber: yeah, they would disown me definitely. I remember when they found me dating a guy freshmen in year in highschool, they got my passport renewed to send me to Iraq and actually got my ticket. I didn't believe it either, until they stopped feeding me and supporting my necessary needs because of what I did. And I have definitely talked to the guy about that hahaha. I told him about how I want someone who really loves the religion as MUCH as I do and does not simply do it because he/she loves me....and that he should study it and then see what happens...but then again, I don't know. Religion or no religion I feel like we're better off going our separate ways...at least for the time being. Isisastaria: Hey, hmm...I'm sure what you said goes on in a lot of places in Iraq but the place I come from, i haven't really seen much of that. I went in the past summer to go and visit my relatives...etc. And the part of Iraq that I come from is called Arbil and the life over there is quite modern...girls are freely found walking around in jeans and a t-shirt and guys are hitting on girls over there as well and actually, most of my cousins have boyfriends. ironic? I guess the forbidden fruit is always the most tempting. The picture isn't a problem because I haven't been exposed to the severity that a lot of women are exposed to but I think that due to globalization, the cruelty is decreasing in many areas, but certain areas of strongly-Islamic populated countries are still trying to stick with chauvinistic policies. Since you have been exposed to my culture...what do you suggest me doing? Do you feel like I'm currently doing the right thing? Everybody: Do you guys think I'm going to be able to move on eventually..? I mean, this is the first guy I've truly loved...and I'm having to give him up because of logical reasons...not because I want to...and thats really hard. I see him every other day at college usually. And...do you think I should practice NC? I mean..I've talked to him and explained the whole deal to him and he understands so we decided to take a break, and cut off contacts till mid-april to see if either one of us has been successful in moving on...and especially, because, I want to disattatch myself a bit. I'm scared to get hurt by a)'rents b)him

Superior: definitely, go ahead and send it. and...how can I turn on the private messaging options ? Locke: I definitely understand where you're coming from. I mean, a lot of my friends have told me the same thing, but...this is American society. My cultural society is extremely different. I'm not FREE till I am married off to another guy. I know I'm a citizen and can be "free" but, at the same time, I love my parents, though they say that stuff...I love them, and I love my siblings and I don't want to leave them. Me, running away, would put my family in danger and not only my family, but all my relatives will disown me and though, I despise the lifestyle of the people and the way they raise their kids...I still love the people. you know? Trash_mail: Thank-you so much for supporting this. I feel as if I'm doing the right thing too because i'm truly risking way too much if I even tried to hook up with this guy. If he truly loves me, and if this is ever supposed to "be"...it will happen, right? No matter what.

And then it sucks, that you have to give up someone that you LOVE and who LOVES you for people who have always told you that you're a failure. It just sucks but I'm scared. I'm scared of the abuse more than anything in the world and I hate being scared like that.

Of course. I completely understand where you're coming from. I mean, they always tell you that you're POINTLESS and WORTHLESS and I get that all the time for my parents. Telling me i'm ugly and not smart and just pin-pointing that i'm not good at ANYTHING. Then, I hear different from people around me. they tell me, "Rebecca, you're smart, you're beautiful...etc...etc" but its hard to believe them sometimes...when all your life, you've gotten told you're a failure...you know?

The thread-maker here was a genius. I AM SOOO DARN CONFUSED! I'M JUST A TEENAGE GIRL AND I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS BUT MY FUTURE IS IMPORTANT TO ME AND I'VE PUT UP WITH 19 YEARS OF THIS ABUSE AND SCARS AND YELLING AND PUTTING DOWN. JUST A FEW MORE YEARS to GO but NOTHING and NO ONE will ever make up for all the CHANCES i've had to give up to be FREAKING SAFE! and I'm SO sick of my parents telling me I'm not smart, and that I'm ugly and that I'm completely worthless and telling me all that crap...but I WANT to live so I CAN get out of this place and STAND UP for what I believe in. Whew.

Exactly Ren... Thats how I feel. I feel like there is too much to risk right now and I can't risk that. I've worked so hard, I've put up with 19 years of constant putting-down and abuse and scars...I think I can wait a few more years and then get established and SHOW my mom that it is possible to lead a happy life with obedient children, if LOVE instead of FEAR is used. I never want her to think she's won and broken my soul because that is the worst feeling in the world. But, then again, giving something up for someone you love...that really really really hurts too.