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  1. Thanks for your reply. I did feel betrayed when she decided to move on to see other people in the past. I felt sad, but I still felt like I loved her. I never did get into anything too serious with anyone else during those periods. I was scared of what I would be losing if I moved to where she was. I LOVE where I live and I have a lifestyle that I find hard to pass up. If I had moved and it didn't work out, I'd end up having to move back to where I came from. It would still be easy for me to find some sort of work. She would've had way more to lose my moving to me - a career, a home and financial security. This is one of the reasons she kept meeting other men....she was scared of my financial situation and my reluctance to plan for the future (no savings, no downpayment for a home, and I chose not to work for a few years). It was during this time that she had her most serious relationship apart from ours (when I wasn't working). She would repeatedly try and talk to me about her concerns about this, and I'd just say that maybe it really was time for us to break up. She loved me, but loved her career and money and her home more I guess. You can read more about this in my earlier post. So...I'd just be really upset if I moved to her to have it not work out. During our last conversation about this, she told me that she had worked so hard to get to where she is in life, homeowner, good career, stable with savings and a long term plan. She said that she was rooted where she was at and couldn't give it all up easily for me to come to a town where she couldn't work in her profession and would have to sell her house and come to a small rental guesthouse. I was upset because she doesn't think I've worked hard at all. I think that I have. As far as guidelines as to who she had relationships with....we had an unspoken agreement that we were exclusive and monogamous - until I'd get a phone call saying that she was sorry, and she met someone more in line with her life and that she needed to explore the possibility. Just when we were close, she'd pull away. She always said she loved me so much, but just didn't know if we were compatible in many major important areas of life. Too much concern about money, saving, home owning and travel. We are both 35 - so I really think I have lots of time ahead of me to worry about that.
  2. I posted earlier about my pregnant ex. And although I want to blame the split on her, I'm really thinking about my role in the whole mess. We dated long distance on'n'off for 18 years. Main reason for long distance was that she moved to another city to go to university. Over the course of these 18 years, she would tend to meet other guys where she was at (in her classes, at her jobs, etc.). This happened several times and she ended up dating a few guys seriously. She told me that she was sorry, but just was too tired of the long distance thing and didn't feel like we were on the same page. Whenever her relationships ended, we would always seem to rekindle until the next interest developed. As I said earlier, it would have been very easy for me to find work where she was and she could'nt find work where I live. My friends tell me that despite her dating other guys, if I really loved her, I should've taken a risk and moved to her city to work and be nearer to her. That way we could've gotten more of a sense of whether or not our relationship really worked in the same town. I just didn't want to go there if she was seeing someone else. But it seemed that the longer we spent apart, even when we were "on" and dating each other....she would ultimately get tired of it and say she met someone again. Some of the guys wanted to marry her but she never made it to the alter with any of these guys because she said she still had strong feelings for me. Also as I indicated earlier...she did have all sorts of concerns about my free spirit lifestyle. I guess what I'm wanting to know is if I should've moved to her town, even if she was dating someone else, and waited for her....been there when it ended? Would any of you done that? Now it's too late because she's pregnant....and she doesn't even think it will work out between her and the father...but even if it didn't I have no interest in ever being with her again because I can't stand the idea of her child or the father. I just wonder if I should've made an effort to go to her? I'm having such a hard time letting this go and I feel so betrayed by her.
  3. I have a job now. I chose not to work for a few years before I got my current job. I've had my current job for the past year and a half. I like it...I don't have to work that hard and I get to basically hang out all day. I work at a resort...it's a fun lifestyle. My girlfriend used to ask me the same question - "why don't you get a job?" It really used to bug her and worry her. The only answer I could give was that I had the rest of my life to worry about working, and for now, I just wanted to have fun, hanging out and enjoying life. Then she would get upset because she enjoyed travelling, and would save $$$ for trips (cheap trips) and would ask me to get a contract stint here or there to finance a vacation. She thought if I was just hanging out anyhow, that I might like to at least see the world. But I didn't ever save enough money and she went alone. She was upset because she thought that if I chose not to work, I should've at least gone and travelled the world or something - rather than stay in my town and boat, drink, smoke pot with my friends. I could've made better use of my voluntary unemployment. She used to tell me she didn't think it was right that I wasn't working. In my early thirties, she thought I should be getting established, planning for a future. She had to work, sometimes at more than one job to reach her goal...and I think she resented my choices. I just thought that I had the rest of my life to get serious about things. None of my buddies even thought about saving for retirement or buying a home. Well, actually a few of them did buy homes. I did work hard at a job I didn't like much before I chose not to work. I just decided that life isn't all about jobs and money...that you have to be happy as well. My girlfriend also valued happiness...that's why we used to work together...we enjoyed similar things and were happy together...but she also wanted to plan, plan, plan and worried about money and the future. I had to keep telling her that life isn't all about money. She said she wanted options down the road in life. She didn't want to retire and be restricted. She wanted to travel all over and have freedom. I still think I have time to do that. I'm only 35.
  4. Thanks for your responses. I really wish that she and I could've worked out. I should have taken her more seriously when she tried to talk to me about saving, home buying, security. She tried to talk to me on many occasions about this. It wasn't that she expected me to take total responsiblity and pay for everything...she planned on contributing her equal share also. She wasn't going to freeload and expect me to take total care of her. I liked that about her. But now she's pregnant and I can't forgive her for that - ever. I can't ever consider being with her again unless the father is dead. I don't want to have to have him involved in my life in any way, shape or form. It's not that he's a jerk....I just can't tolerate another man. Some of you asked why I didn't move to where she was at. Well, because she agreed that she did love it where I live...she said she'd try and find work in her field here. She tried for a number of years, and came close a couple of times...but ultimately was unsuccessful. And another thing was, that over the course of the 18 years, she met and chose to begin dating other men on a few different occasions. She always told me that she was sorry, that she'd met someone else, and she wanted to explore her options because she thought we wanted different lifestyles. She said she loved me, but was scared to be with me because of my decision not to work, etc. If she really loved me - she never would have developed interest in other guys - so I think she lied about that. I didn't want to move to her city when she was seeing someone else. Some of my friends and her friends too - think I should've moved there anyhow...fought for her a little. I think that's b.s. Why should I chase after someone that decides to move on? She said she had trouble having relationships with other men, because she couldn't stop thinking about and loving me - despite our differences...but she just couldn't wait forever. I wonder if I should've just moved to where she was....and been there when she was available again?
  5. I'm devastated and want to hate her. She and I dated long distance on'n'off for 18 years. She went away to go to college to get her Masters degree that got her the career she has now. She worked hard to get where she is at. A career that is limited to the big city...a life which I don't like. I live in a smaller place about 4 hours from her. She's doing so well that she bought her own home. She wanted space for kids down the road. I wasn't happy about her home buying, because I thought it meant she would never come to me. When we reached 32 (we're both 35 now) she started talking about security and stability in life. She saves for the future and all that stuff, but I don't think it's all that important right now. Money isn't everything and she should understand that & stop being so serious about it. She likes the community I live in (resort town) and tried to find a job here - no luck. I work in a trade and could have moved to where she was (lots of jobs), but I was afraid of leaving my life incase it didn't work. She doesn't always enjoy her career, so I think she should've moved here and taken a secretary job. She always seemed to meet other guys while we were living apart, and I didn't want to move to where she was when that was happening. We would ultimately get back together. I wanted her to move here, because she likes it and I love it. I had lots of work opportunity where she lives...but she had no opportunities in her career here. I don't own a home and I haven't even saved for one & housing is very expensive in my town. My girlfriend talked to me about saving and getting a job for a long time. I chose not to work for about 3 years. I wanted to have fun and hang out. That used to bug her. She'd ask me to get a job so we could save for a future. She would try and get me to save a couple hundred bucks a month. I pay cheap rent and should have been able to save something I guess. When I chose not to work, she was trying to plan a cheap vacation to Asia...I wanted to go - but didn't go with her. She went alone. I didn't want her to go alone. Now, she met someone else again and accidentally got pregnant - so it's over for good now. I know she feels terrible...and she acknowledges her mistakes, but she also said that I didn't give her the security she needed in a long term relationship. I wasn't growing up. She got tired of my lifestyle. She didn't want to have to be the responsible one all the time. Is she somewhat right? Did I make any mistakes in this relationship? I'm just trying to figure out how this came to be...we loved each other so much. Why was she such a goddam mod edit?
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