sophie274

Can I ask you, why are you looking for younger girls specifically? What's the attraction to her? What role do you think you play in her life and what role does she play in yours?

You are not supposed to "reprimand" a girlfriend for something which shes does, and you're not supposed to be strict. To me, you sound like an owner disciplining his dog. Yes, that is controlling. If this whole dance/Chad thing is innocent, why has this thread gone on for so long? Honestly, I don't really want to go into the details of Chad this Angel that. I just don't think it's appropriate given what you have written here. I believe you have a very unhealthy relationship with her, based on unequal power, control. As you see, others are in agreement. I would really advise you to sign off "from online" and never go back on again. If you want the best for this child, you will let her be a child.

The only reason why this is still going on is your girlfriend's reluctance to say no to Chad. You know that her reasons are not good - the endless circle of justification continues. She's not saying no to Chad because she doesn't want to. If she were proud and serious about your relationship, she would have told Angel - what is Angel going to do about your relationship? The only circumstance in which that excuse has any validity is if your relationship has been and continues to be illegal, which is a whole other creature. If it's illegal, please, get away from this girl. There is a reason why there are laws. Honestly, I just don't think she's that into you. Oh, and Chad wants to go to the dance with her, because he likes her. He wants to date her. And her actions right now speak volumes about what she thinks about that. How do you think her mother would feel if she read the things I quoted, said by a 32 year old to a 17 year old over the internet? Those things you said scare me. They are not right. You sound like you are abusing this girl. Re-read them. What good is this relationship doing to either one of you?

Ok well you have ignored my previous replies so I sort of get the impression you might not want to hear what I say. But here it is: Wow, reading your post makes my head spin. So much drama! Why is it so complicated? Why can't your girlfriend simply tell Angel she has a boyfriend whom she plans to meet soon, and then call Chad and tell him the same and that thereforeeee she can only go as a friend? It sounds to me like there are many excuses but no real reasons. About your last paragraph: You seem really confused about the relationship. She loves you, but then she is doing something that, in your value system, indicates otherwise. You trust her, but you are being difficult (your words, not mine). Why would she break up with you over how you are being now? I thought you thought your claims were reasonable. What do you think? Why do you trust her (but not really)? This story is so convoluted it's hard to believe! Again, why can't she just tell Chad she is involved with someone. I really doubt Angel's mother would refuse to give your girlfriend a ride because your girlfriend politely declined Chad's invitation to a dance because she had a boyfriend!! In fact, I know she wouldn't. The story is just going on and on. I can't believe someone would willingly go through so much drama, on her end.

the_empty_drawer: Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so sorry you went through that - it was really an eye-opening read. I hope you are on the road to recovery, though of course it will always bear down on you. I hope your 24th year will pass without incident - have a wonderful birthday!

But if her friends disapprove of online relationships, why hasn't she taken the steps to make this a live, in the flesh relationship? When do you two plan to meet?

I hate to say I agree with Batya and Imthatgirl. Why hasn't your girlfriend told her friends about your relationship? (Maybe you said that and I missed it ... but please repeat.) The only reason I can think of is that she is embarrassed/ashamed or does not think it will last. You are more than a few years out of the high school scene, so let me tell you: girls in high school love to brag about their boyfriends. In fact, the amount of information girls that age tend to spread about their relationships is phenomenal! When I had a boyfriend in high school, I recounted every detail to my friends, and let me tell you I was not the exception. It would have been inconceivable for me to have a boyfriend and not tell anyone! So again, why hasn't she told her best friend? I'd like to add a personal experience here - when I was 15/16, my best friend and I went to chatrooms a few times and pretended to be completely different people and start online relationships with guys. Please don't take offense, but I could well imagine her and her best friend laughing at you behind your back. You don't know her, and she's just a girl! Also ... about the word "date". You may think it was just Chad's phrasing, but I can also say that in high school "date" carries a pretty strong romantic connotation. It isn't a word you would just use for lack of a better one... I think your girlfriend is going on a date, and does not care enough to clear that up. And that implies a lot about how she views her relationship with you. I also have to add, with restraint, that I have trouble understanding why you want to have a relationship with a 17 year old girl, online... and more than that, befriending her when she was 15!

Hi, thanks for all the extra info! You seem to have a lot of insight into the workings of your fiance's mind. So he's a dreamer.I think it's normal for him to be idealistic. That's what the college years are about really. But it also means (in my opinion) that he is absolutely not ready to get married. Marriage is a partnership that is about love and excitement but also stability - emotional, financial, etc... You need someone who can contribute to this partnership, someone you can rely on. Shirking responsibility, doing lackluster work, ignoring the reality of bills and mortgages - those qualities are going to be extremely destructive for a marriage. Would be ok being married to your fiance if his attitude towards work/money did not change? Your answer can be either yes or no, but if you marry him now, the answer to that question would have to be yes - you can't expect that he will change. I hope I don't sound too harsh - I don't mean to lecture or criticize, and your fiance sounds like a great guy to me ... just maybe not ready to walk down the aisle. I think it's great you two are in school together - keep it up. Even if you wait 3 more years to get married - you will be a very young couple and can attain maybe 70 years of marriage! That's an awfully (in a good way) long time! Re: moving it. It's your decision. It is my opinion that a strong relationship does not necessarily need the "trial phase" of living together before marriage, but many couples do choose to do that and it works out for them. If you are not sure you are ready to be married though, do you think you are ready to live together? Since you are in college, maybe it would be better to get immersed in campus life - living with your fiance might damper your ability to connect with other students. Do you have someone you could talk to to help you sort out your thoughts on living together? I hope this helped even a little bit. I wish you all the best! (I just re-read my post and I realized how much I was repeating myself from the last post - sorry ! I think it's great you've decided to wait, and I also think it's great that you are thinking about what a marriage would look like and what components you want for your marriage. PM me if ever you want!)

For those who live in the US, they are lucky enough to be free to have children or not - I truly believe that the expectation that women WILL have children is rapidly fading. Regardless of the "problems of the planet", raising children is still a useful and a wonderful endeavor. My mother has several degrees, but her greatest accomplishment in life (in HER eyes) is the raising of me and my sister. She has put more effort into our upbringing, education and happiness, and she is so grateful for being able to have two healthy children. She is an example of what a wonderful gift children are for many couples, and even the 21st century with whatever problems there may be has not taken away the joy that children bring. I am all for not having children (not 100% sure I will), but I think it is disrespectful to degrade the "use" of having children, and to hint that having children might be somehow "immoral" in the world we live in.

Hey I agree with the others that you should wait - especially since you are having doubts. You two have not been together too long, and you are quite young to be considering marriage. I disagree to some extent about a "gut feeling" that you might be having (as in, a gut feeling that your fiance is not commited to you, is not who he pretends to be, or that you don't love him). Maybe your instinct is telling you something, but more likely I think your fear of marriage has nothing to do with your fiance, but more with your age. I have been with my bf for almost 1 1/2 years and am 19 as well, am I would be so scared of marriage. Not to do with him, but simply because I am not ready to make that type of commitment now. I'm surprised he doesn't understand your reluctance. Is he much older than you? Does he have a job? If he isn't older with security/income, it sounds like he might be a bit immature, and not truly considering what he is getting into...not thinking that much in the long term. Just thinking of the 19 year old guys I am friends with, the thought of "forever" and buying a house and having kids freaks them out just a bit - which I think is the standard reaction. My advice would be to wait until you two have a better idea of what it will mean to be partners forever - and until you have the stability required for that. If he can't understand that you want to wait, and that is a dealbreaker for him, then that would say an awful lot about how ready he is for marriage himself (if he's your age), and I don't think you want to marry if neither he nor you are ready. Good luck!

Mmm, I thought smaller women often showed later ... (like how those teenage girls can go through a whole pregnancy without really showing). No personal experience on the matter though! Are you showing yet caro?

I totally understand. I'm just 2 years older than you, and I worry so much about getting pregnant. That's why I think the two methods of BC might be a good option for you. (Good for you for making an appt by the way!) I have been stressed this semester too, and as I said in the previous post, regular sleep and a balanced diet helps, exercise if you can fit it in (I am not so good about that, but I walk quite a bit). When I get stressed at night I often decide to go to bed - things look better in the morning! Are there any commitments you can reduce so you have more time for your studies? When my work is stressing me out, I like to break it down into bite-size pieces. So when I feel "paralyzed" in front of my to-do-list, I pick the first thing that will take me 1/2 hr-1 hr - once I have something done, the rest flows much better. BTW, try to relax. It doesn't sound like it's very likely you're pregnant, and stressing will just delay your period further..

So you're period is maybe a week and a half late? The tests should be effective by now. If I were you, I would wait a little longer (maybe 3-4 days), and take another test if your period still has not come. It sounds like your period is often irregular? You might want to schedule an appointment with a doctor just to check if everything is ok, although it is not unusual for teenagers to still have irregular periods. If you are worried about pregnancy (and you would be young to have a child!), you might think about going on some form of BC. This could also help regulate your period. Of course there are side effects, so talk to the doc if you are interested. Also: why are you so stressed? Can you cut any stress out? Are you eating/sleeping/exercising regularly? These can all help your body deal with stress. If you are so stressed out that your period regularly "freaks" out, I think you need to try and re-think your lifestyle so that things are less hectic.

Do you think you can see where she's coming from, or were you totally surprised? Do you talk a lot about religion in front of her, or do you two "hang out" a lot with religious friends? She sounds like she is feeling as though people around her are trying to convert her and chastising her for her beliefs - do you think that has been happening? If your friends have been making her feel bad, you might want to ask them not to talk about the topic with her. Or maybe she could stay away from events that are religion-themed. The bottom is line is, though, that your religion is a big part of your life, and that in the way it is coming through now, it's threatening her. It's up to you do decide whether things can change to make her more comfortable, or whether you need someone who follows the same religion as you, or who at least really respects that religion (she doesn't sound like she does!). If you are passionate about your beliefs I think it will be hard for you to spend your life with someone who does not respect them (although her problem is with the Church, not the teachings?). I can throw in a bit of my experience. My boyfriend is Catholic and I am not. I have many issues with the Catholic Church, and it has led to some heated discussions which left us both kind of angry. However, religion is not a main part of my boyfriend's life, and we do agree on some important points, as well as what we want for our (potential future) children, etc, and I encourage him to go to church even though I don't really believe. Those are some good things to think about - how the both of you would want to raise a family ... I do agree that she should not call you stupid and she should apologize if she has not already. I don't think that religion is just an excuse - you thinking about becoming a priest shows how HUGE a role religion plays in your life, and I think it's normal that that role should be ironed out. Good luck!

When you argue, do you tend to hold your breath/have bad breathing? I say this because when I focus on a fixed spot, I often hold my breath and end up feeling really faint and having to sit down ... maybe something similar is happening? That's my only uneducated suggestion.

I agree with you. But the more people you are in contact with in a situation which could lead to flirtation, etc ..., the more likely you are to meet one that you would have a "connection" to. And since cheating seems to me to be all about resisting temptation (since most people will at some time or other be tempted and have to choose how they will respond), it makes sense to be that the more you are tempted, the more the chances that you will give in to temptation increase. Regardless of sex, so many people say "I would NEVER cheat", and so many end up cheating! (From the figures out there, between 1/3 and 3/4 of people cheat on someone during some relationship - sort of a big range, but neither one of those fractions is small.)

Except for the fact that fewer women are in the workforce, so as a group (not as an individual) they could have more opportunities to cheat? Particularly for certain jobs that require traveling - truck drivers, executives, pilots - that would me more male dominated. (By the way, sorry about the phrasing of "ignoring" - I was just hoping you'd address the explanation behind the stats.)

I know very well that statistics aren't perfect. However, a careful study can come very very close to reality - I'm not saying the website I posted was one of them. Still, I think you're ignoring my point that this isn't about the innate dispositions of men and women, it's about the possible differences in their environment, i.e. the availability of opportunities, mostly having to do with the workplace, travel, etc ...

I agree with you that that website is not the Gospel, but it does compile a lot of statistics that indicate the same trend. I would also add that relying on large sample sizes is probably more reliable than relying on each individual's experience or "perception". Also, you'll notice that my explanation for the difference has nothing to do with innate differences, but with the different opportunities available to both men and women. Not brain size or morals. Finally, I disagree with you that there are no differences at all between men and women, but that's mostly off-topic anyway. (For example, men's IQs are more spread out than women's - women's tend to be more centered around the mean. Men have a higher risk of heart attack than pre-menopausal women ...) Anyway, I was just putting it out there as some info (to be taken with a grain of salt) - that's all.

She should definitely either pay, or move out so you can find another roommate. The whole point of having a roommate is to share the costs. Either way it's very immature for her not to have brought it up with you.

Here's a website with a bunch of infidelity statistics compiled by different sources. The numbers vary quite a bit, but it seems to be a constant that men have cheated more than women. Is it biased? Maybe. But it seems quite plausible to me, since a big part of cheating is opportunity, and men tend to have more opportunities through work and business travel (though this is changing as more women enter the work place and have high-level jobs). link removed

I completely agree with Melrich. 350 pounds if he paid rent for two years is not much, plus do you really want to have to think about the relationship every time you go to sleep? I think all this arguing with him is going to wear you down, just let him have it and start the healing!

Hey - If you think you want to be a priest, I would try to make a decision that is not based on your current relationship - how would you feel if you two broke up and you'd "missed the boat" to become a priest? Of course that's hard to do, but maybe you could take a trip for a few days to get away from your usual environment and reflect? I disagree with those who have posted that she is manipulative. Maybe her question was badly phrased, but she had just found out she may be in a relationship that was going nowhere! I would be hurt and confused too ... I think you should come to a decision based on how you see yourself in 20 years, 30 years time. And if you do decide to become a priest, then you should stop dating - it wouldn't be fair to the women you would meet. Good luck! PS. I know you said you had already made a decision, but I just think you should convince yourself that this is the right decision for you, not just in terms of the relationship you have. If you feel you've already done that, then ignore my ramblings!

Like everyone has said, foods high in fiber (fruits and vegetables - prunes, peppers, grapefruit, also some high-fiber cereals), lots of water. Caffeine/coffee works for some people. You could also buy a stool softener (not a laxative) from the pharmacy and start with that. If it doesn't get better though you should go see a doc.

What was her attitude towards PDA before? Did she use to have intense make-out sessions with you for everyone to see, or has she always been relatively private? I personally never kiss in public (though I am fine with holding hands and so forth), so that attitude would not be strange for me. I agree with Ilse that she might be feeling uncertain about the relationship, and thereforeeee doesn't want to broadcast it to the world in case it doesn't work out.