sophie274

Eva, I agree with you that homophobia is wrong, that not all gay men have AIDS and that plenty of straight men and women do too ... But what is so wrong with having certain standards as to who you sleep with? Surely you have some standards too - you wouldn't sleep with any person who came up to you in the street! Honestly I don't see what is homophobic about not wanting to have sex with someone who has had homosexual sex - it's simply a preference, and to me doesn't automatically indicate contempt or disgust. Just seems to me that my world of who I would have sex with and marry is a teeny tiny fraction of the world - and that's ok. For any characteristic that a person has (education, sexual preference, hair color, eye color, body type), it's one (BAD) thing to say they are inferior, not real people, or sinners (in the case of homosexuality) ... another to say "this would not be who I choose to have sex with."

If you have even the tiniest suspicion or doubt that you're not over him, definitely don't do it. Honestly, I think that even if you are over him, you shouldn't. Just seems like it will too much of a reminder of the relationship you were in with him, and I could easily imagine how you would re-develop feelings for him. No matter what you do, please be careful with your body and use proper protection - condoms. If you are not in a relationship with him you don't know who else he is sleeping with, or who else he has slept with since the break-up.

I agree with caro and shes2smart. I assume from your name you're 23 (maybe I'm wrong)? Maybe it makes others nervous that you are getting married relatively young, and they are just projecting their own fears onto you. Don't listen to them. I think it's usual (though not good) for people to project their feelings into situations. This guy at my college recently got married - he is in the sophomore class but is 21 - and he got married to a girl he had been dating for only 6 months. I have to admit: I was speechless and could not stop talking about it with some of my friends and about how much it freaked me out! I think marriage nowadays is a both a big deal and risky, so when people see someone take the plunge it brings out their own fears about marriage. Congratulations! I hope you have both a wonderful wedding and a wonderful marriage!

I'm more with Beec and Diggity (maybe not for the same reasons): I am French, and I would find this wayyyyy cheesy. For me at least, total turn-off. However, you have a better idea of who she is, so if you think she'll like it, I don't think it would have disastrous consequences. I don't think she would interpret you asking to translate the phrase as asking her out. I know I wouldn't. Honestly my advice would be to just go for it and ask her out in plain English. Simplest and fastest way to get a plain answer.

It should be allowed and acceptable for people to have whatever standards they wish when it comes to a partner's sexuality, number of partners, gender of partners, type of sex had. Whether a person will be able to find someone who fits those standards, is ok with him having those standards, and will also want to date him is an entirely different matter ... To the OP: As others have said, you won't know without asking her (and even if you do ask you may not hear the truth) how many partners she has had. Here's my guess: Most probably between 5-20, but possibly under or way over that ...

She (the teacher - Jane Elliott) came to talk at my high school a few years back. I think the film is a very interesting idea - similar studies have been made at universities such as Stanford, but not about racism. I don't think it has anything to do with race: just the idea that men (as in human beings) will not go easy on their fellow men if they are given all the power.

Hey Dilly I personally like the middle name last name combo. It will give your daughter the choice, as nowadays people will call you whatever you want them to call you! On a more philosophical note, I personally am not sure how much a name means. I have my father's last name (parents are happily married etc ...) but can not wait to give it up when I get married! It's from a different culture (not American) and totally unpronounceable for all Americans - huge curse. I don't like the way it sounds and I hate people tripping over it. I don't think a name has a huge importance tying someone to their family - there are stronger bonds of loyalty. I do agree with Imthatgirl that it might be confusing/complicated at school if you and the father do not stay together. In the world of weird compromise stories: I know a girl whose parents both decided to keep their individual last names when they got married. Since they couldn't decide what name the children should have, they gave the mother's last name to the first one, and the father's last name to the second one. So the brother and sister are of the same parents but do not have the same last name! Weird and LOL (IMO)

Wow. I'm not a mother but I think this is an awesome idea. What worked when I was little was just not paying attention to me at all. I used to throw tantrums where I would be in the street with my parents and refuse to walk forward. At first they begged and pleaded, but then they just kept on going. You can bet I was running after them within about 5 secs!

Do you regret having sex with them? Why do you think you are "obsessed with guys". Do you think you are looking to fill some "void"? If you are noticing that not saying no is not working out for you, work on saying no. In my opinion, that starts with NOT putting yourself in a position where you can have sex with guys. Once you step back a bit maybe you can better evaluate your behavior and how it is making you feel, what message it is sending to guys, how comfortable you are with your behavior and that message, etc.

^ at lavalamp's post What's done is done. Guilt is not going to help. I believe the OP wants a way to move forward, not a way to torture herself at night.

Sarahmarie: I think you can clearly see that lavalamp is in the minority here. While you may feel disgusted with yourself I am pretty sure that 7 is either average or not that far ahead of the curve. There are plenty of people your age who have had maybe 50 partners - you have nothing to feel embarrassed about!

Hey I think it's pretty common (especially for younger girls - not stereotyping, just reporting my observations by the way) to have sex with guys that they believe will lead to a relationship, only for nothing to ever come of it. If you are fine with casual sex, then by all means go for it! However, your post sounds makes it sound like you were disappointed relationships didn't happen out of these encounters, and that you find yourself regretting your behavior. My advice would be to put yourself out of situations where you can have casual sex, and decide with yourself that you will wait longer to have sex with guys, and then stick to your decision. For example, don't be in a private home with a guy until you are sure you are ready to have sex with him and he is committed to you (if that is the standard you choose). Don't have regrets about what happened - doing different things and maybe making mistakes are all part of growing up. Just choose what you want to do from now on!

Wow this topic has gone crazy! Well, personally I would not want to date someone who had casual sex because I do not find it appropriate and would want to date someone who felt the same way. At my age, pretty much the only way you could have a high number of sex partners would be via casual sex, so ... I probably would not date someone with a high number. However for me it would be more about values and attitudes toward sex than a number - not sure I would ask about it. OP: In your situation, I agree with the others that it is a bit strange that you are bringing this up now. I mean, if relative promiscuity is against your value system, then why didn't you bring this up before? And if you're just curious (which by the way I totally understand because I am SO curious), you might really want to think twice about what you might find out if you ask. Is there a number above which you're going to dump? I disagree with the others that that would be "wrong" or "cruel" - we are all entitled to your own standards and if that is one of yours then so be it. I think your method would be inefficient though - if you know it's a dealbreaker, why ask after 8 months? Also, be aware that she could lie, and you would never know, and also that you run the very real risk of having to dump someone you love - are you sure you want to go there? If you just want to know - I would advise holding your tongue. If you know you're the jealous type, you're now going to be thinking about all 10 or 15 or 20 or more guys she's been with. What if you find out that her number is much lower than yours, and she asks for yours? You could be opening a can of worms.

First of all, how are you sure your mother would find out? Go to a convenience store, then go to a public bathroom and take it. Not the best of scenarios, but you have to do what you have to do. Just consider this: would you rather you mother NOT find out that find out for sure about the pregnancy? What if it meant several more months of worrying before you convinced yourself that you weren't pregnant? What if by some wild chance you are pregnant? Isn't that something you'd like to find out sooner rather than later?

Hey In my opinion, if you think she is "perfect in every way", you are not yet at that stage where you can know she is the one and make the decision that you want to spend the rest of your life with her. You sound like you and her are still in the honeymoon stage. For me, deciding whether you can spend the rest of your life with someone comes AFTER the honeymoon stage, when you see the person for what they really are (not perfect !), accept those faults and they accept yours, realize the problems that you two have, have developed good communication to solve those problems, have similar goals in life, are willing to compromise, are committed to making your union work no matter what ... and many more! I think it's great that you're in love with your girlfriend, but for now you are too giddy and fuzzy to decide if she is a life partner, and that's ok! You're not supposed to decide now! Just keep on dating, building that foundation, and maybe you two will indeed spend the rest of your time together. However, few people find the person they will end up marrying so young, and so if you two break up that's ok too. People have various thoughts on whether one can know someone is "the one" - personally I think it's more a process of trial and error which ends with you finding someone you can have a partnership with for the rest of your life - others disagree. I don't think you should be deciding on marriage. I'm a sophomore in college and have been dating my boyfriend for a year in a half, and while he is someone I could definitely see myself marrying a few years down the road, I don't feel the need to make that decision now or commit to it via an engagement. It's probably a good idea to finish college before getting married, so just relax, enjoy the ride and save the decision making for later.

Sorry about the high school/college mistake. Still, if you perceive that your drinking is a problem, then it is. No matter what the amount, the fact that you are uncomfortable with it is a great sign that you should stop drinking, or cut back. I still stand by what I said - if your boyfriend is putting pressure on you to do things you are not sure you want to do, you must put your foot down and tell him that you refuse to do those activities with him. If that isn't possible, then I think you should distance yourself from him. You could also try to plan new sorts of dates with him - more PG things - so you two don't have the opportunity to drink or smoke. Dinner, the movies, a museum, ice skating, ice cream, a walk. Don't just "hang out" in your rooms.

It sounds like you are in quite the destructive relationship. You are in high school. That time is for studying, playing sports, opening yourself up to the world. I think you realize this, and what negative effects drugs and alcohol will have on your life. You must stop going down this slope you are on, and it sounds like the only way to do that is for you to break up with him. Please please stop seeing him - it will be so much easier to get back on track now than when you have become more locked into your habits.

I don't really have any more insight, but wanted to second DN's "show, don't tell" idea. I've definitely fallen into that trap before: wanted my boyfriend to surprising and romantic, but then been really "boring" myself. If someone does something really sweet for you you generally want to reciprocate, so I think it's a good idea for you to take the lead.

Hey ! You replied on my thread so I figured I would reply on yours. =) I don't think the messages themselves were anything particularly juicy - they sounded plain friendly to me, and I would be ok if my boyfriend sent and got messages like that to and from girls. However, I do find it a bit strange that he had not told you about this girl, and also that he went through and deleted those messages. If my bf had found something like that on my phone, I would have said "oh that's so and so etc ...". What I would do is bring it up with him, something along the lines of : "I apologize for looking in your phone, but I did find some messages there that concern me since you've never told me about being at this girl's house, and especially since you went and deleted them afterwards." See what he says. Now there is either nothing going or something going on, and he can either lie or tell the truth. What I would do is choose to trust him and believe him (unless it's obvious he is lying or you have a huge gut instinct moment), but record this incident and just be mindful of other signs he might be giving you. Also I disagree with yokeydokey that he is cheating for sure. Plenty of people are at college and are faithful!

Maybe I am wrong but I got the idea from this thread that you two have never had a serious conversation regarding marriage, and that you are basing a lot of this info on jokes and assumptions about exes. If this is true, you just need to have a serious conversation with him about what his goals are for this relationship and what a general timeline would be. Until then I think it's premature to give him an ultimatum. (Jokes do not reflect someone's opinion about marriage, I think - I could see myself making the joke he made and yet I want to get married for sure.) If you HAVE had a serious conversation and he has said he did not want to get married then I agree with Batya).

Not a mother, but my mother's mother was not there for the birth of either of her two children. I don't think her presense ever really came up as a decision to make, since they were living on different continents. However, I don't think my mother would have had her there regardless of location. Partly because they have had a strained relationship in the past, and partly because it was a private and "intimate" experience that my mother wanted to share with my father, as a couple. If she had been single I can imagine she might have had her mother there with her.

I think I get what you are saying. And I think it's ok (not selfish, greedy or materialistic) that you want him to amp up his romance factor. After my parents got married, they were living somewhere extremely hot and were just sweating their tails off. So for their first anniversary, my father gave my mother an air conditioning unit. She cried. He was in dismay because he thought that's what she wanted because it was so hot, but he returned it and got her jewelry instead. LOL. However, it seems like you dropped quite a few hints as to Valentine's Day, so I don't know what else you could do to make him more romantic. I still stand by what I said that this is something you will have to learn to live with - if you two stay together. You can always give him positive reinforcement when he does something very sweet for you - but you should also learn to appreciate his notion of romance and kindness (fixing a computer for you, etc ...). Maybe if you can process for yourself what his intentions are when he gives you a gift, you will feel a little more cared for. For example, when he asked you if you wanted flowers, maybe he wanted to make V-Day EXACTLY the way you imagined it, and that's why he asked. Kind of puts a new spin on things. You also say that you know bringing this up will cause conflict - is that because you know that his intentions are every bit as sweet and romantic as you could expect them to be? If so, you should really re-think your expectations, ie get rid of them. It does also sound like you might be a bit starved for affection - maybe you would not have the same expectations for V-Day and gifts if you two were not in a long distance relationship. Do you have any plans to move closer?

I personally LOVE 2 (is it from Tiffany? it looks a lot like their classic cut) ... but I also think it is almost totally irrelevant. They are all beautiful and you should pick first within your price range, then whichever one you think she would prefer within that range. And I agree with Parsley that you should be getting engaged for the right reasons.

In my opinion: scientifically interesting, but if I ever were to have unprotected sex, I would definitely be getting some proven to work hormones and not sticking various strange things up myself!