ezila

You can't forget your soulmate, sadly, even if you can't be with them. All you can do, is find happiness in your life as it stands - or MAKE happiness, even if that means leaving your husband and starting over. Once you find happiness in your life without the soulmate, the pain and the memories will fade. It may take a while, but it's the same sort of grief that you experience when a loved one dies - the kind that's acute at first, and slowly, eventually, begins to dissipate.

The thing is, you don't know for certain what's going on within the walls of his own house. Maybe he is telling you how miserable his marriage is, in order to keep you from feeling guilty about being involved with him. If he hasn't left her, then things probably aren't as bad at home as he's telling you. You deserve to be with someone who's free to actually BE with you, not someone who's dividing his attention between two women. I hope things work out for you.

Wow - HARSH! I don't think she deserved that little attack. Toolgirl, I have been in your shoes - and all that will happen if you continue like this, is you will both get hurt. Obviously, there is a REASON for him to have "ex" status, and by not allowing yourself the physical space or emotional distance to heal, you're keeping yourself from moving on with your life. Regardless of the amazing connection you two may have, there was something about the relationship that didn't work. You need to let go of the relationship, and find a different connection with someone else. A fresh start. Remember, the only way to move on, is to look forward and not back. Good luck.

First of all, what kind of "proof" do you have? Do you think (or know) that she is actually physically inolved with someone else? Or is it perhaps just an emotional attachment? Secondly, what is going on between the two of you? Has she shown signs of being unhappy? Have the two of you discussed divorce or separation before? 1. How to confront her with this info? I think that would depend upon what kind of info you have. 2. Are e-mails enough ammo to get her to admit the situation? No. In the first place, regardless of what she's done, or what you think she's done, reading her email is an invasion of her privacy, and she's likely to be pretty upset about it. The likely result is, whatever conversation you try to initiate using her email as "ammo", will get convoluted by your own (somewhat) untrustworthy acts, and probably just make the conversation even LESS constructive. 3. He lives in another city, She has made plans to go be with him, while I watch the kids. How do I avoid this from happening? or should I let her go? How do you know that she's going to see him? Did she tell you, or did you find out by reading through her email correspondence with him? If it's something she's told you about - in an "I'm going to see a friend" context - then I would openly and honestly tell her that it makes you uncomfortable. If it's something you weren't supposed to know about - if I were you, I'd plan a romantic getaway that just happens to coincide with her plans. But that's me. 4. Someone told me to just let her do her thing and give her enough rope to hang herself. should I? It depends - do you want to save your marriage, or see her get hurt? 5. Should I send an email to him saying that a private investigator is watching his every move, being that he is married also? No. His relationship with his wife is none of your business. 6. Should I Send her a email that says that a family friend has proof that she is cheating and that she needs to admit to it and resolve the issues at home before doing this to the family or the proof will be sent to her husband? No. Eventually, she will find out that it came from you, and it will likely cause more problems. I can probably give you more useful feedback once I have a little more background info. I don't mean to sound harsh with any of these answers; the bottom line is, whatever issues or suspicions you have, you need to confront them head-on - being sneaky will only cause more problems.

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Having been on both sides of this situation, I can tell you that you did the right thing in telling your friend that you would not choose between him and his ex. When I was in the position that your friend is now in, I felt hurt and betrayed by my friends' refusal to take my side or stop associating with my Ex. I was angry with them. BUT, I found that those feelings went away as I mended, and I later felt like a jerk for even putting my friends in that situation. Many years (and many relationships) later, I would never do that to my friends again. One of the things a person expects - and, indeed, encourages - when they introduce a new love to their friends, is for said friends to accept that person. It sounds to me like your (older) friend is hurting and angry about being "dumped", and I think if you just give him time to heal, he'll realize what an awkward position he's put you in, and he'll probably be the one to call you and try to set things right with your friendship. As for your newer friend, I am sure she is REALLY grateful that you have not thrown aside your frienship with her simply owing to blind loyalties to your older friend. THAT definitely shows some class, and I am sure you have cemented your new friendship based on that alone. Hang in there.

I know that a lot of you guys on this board have been hurt by women - but keep in mind that there are just as many women here who have been hurt by men. I have been noticing a lot of generalizations about how hurtful, manipulative, and outright evil women are. I just wanted to remind you guys that not all women are evil; given the chance, we may surprise you.

Sweetie, you've been through an awful lot - it's no wonder you're depressed! What you're going through isn't unusual; losing a parent when you are young is VERY hard, and takes a long time to come to terms with. Not to sound discouraging, but you may find yourself feeling this way for some time yet. You need to reach out to your mother and let her know how you are feeling. Remember, she is suffering from a loss, too - and maybe she needs to reach out to you, too. AND, I would suggest seeing a therapist or grief counselor - either alone, or with your family. Grief affects different people in different way, so ALL of your reactions are normal - really. Yours, your mother's, even your siblings. The pain diminishes eventually, I promise. In the meantime, you may want to try some antidepressants to help you get through this. Hang in there.

First of all, you don't actually mention how old either of you are - which may be an important factor in all of this. I am a *BIG* proponent of being independent, even when you're in a relationship - so to me, it sounds like that's all she's trying to do. You know, get some space without telling you directly, thinking that she's sparing your feelings (and not realizing that it's having the opposite effect). You *DO* need to have a heart-to-heart with her, and ask her WHY she's being distant. I wouldn't jump to immediate conclusions about her being unfaithful - just ask her outright what's going on. You may have nothing to worry about at all.

Honestly, I'd say that this is a classic case of "too much, too soon". If she's just getting out of a MARRIAGE, she is definitely going to need some time to recover from that. It's okay for you to give her attention, but I'd back off on the declarations of love for the moment; give her a little bit of breathing room so she doesn't get completely overwhelmed. Good luck!

A few years ago, those words could have come from me. First of all - ixnay on the suicial oughtsthay. He won't care, and you'll come off looking like a psychopath. I tell you this because I tried it. The man who broke my heart wasn't the whole reason - he was more just the last straw to a life that I was already unhappy with. So I tried it, unsuccessfully, and landed in a hospital for a few weeks - where he came to see me ONCE, and then never had any respect for me again. To this day, five years later, I am still horribly embarrassed (not to mention, still paying the hospital bill because my insurance didn't cover "Self-Infllicted Injuries"!) when I think about it - and I know that I will never have a friendship with this man because of my awful, terrible, insane actions. Just put him out of your mind - don't demand explanations, you probably won't get them, and you're right; he WILL accuse you of being a stalker. My story has a happy ending: I'm married to a wonderful man, and I have a wonderful life now. You will too! You just have to forget the jerk. I PROMISE you, the pain WILL go away - it just takes time. Hang in there.

You said not to judge you until we know you - can I judge HIM, though? First of all, what kind of irresponsible JERK pretends to be looking for a job for months when he's got TWO CHILDREN to support?!?!? And secondly, what kind of *beep* displays violent behavior in front of his children? Sweetie, you need to stay at your mom's until he's gone. You have your whole life ahead of you (and your children!), and you don't need this kind of grief - and either do your children!! Children need stability and support - both emotional and financial. If he can't (WON'T!!!) provide those things, you're better off without him.

You can only "get him back" if he WANTS to come back. I think you need to get some straight answers outta this guy before you do ANYTHING, IMO. Good luck!

My husband is overweight and bald. I don't care; he's sexy to me. It's what's inside that counts, remember?

Closure letters are never a good thing. I know this from experience, having been the authoress of such letters. First of all, if this is an ex, and it's YOU who needs the closue, chances are they won't actually retain - or even READ, for that matter - anything you've thought long and hard about before committing it to paper. It won't matter to them, so it ends up being a waste of your efforts. Secondly, what would you say? "I'm over you"? "You're a jerk"? Writing a closure letter makes it appear as though (a) you're unable to get over it, and (b) you're a loser. And lastly, if your breakup had been particularly nasty, you may even find the ex telling everyone you're a whackjob, or a stalker, or find your letter posted on the internet, or something similarly horrid. Your pain and introspection may only end up being the fodder for someone else's stand-up routine. However good it might feel to get it all off your chest, don't put yourself in that situation; it's not worth it. Trust me.

Sure I have. And it was tough, I won't deny that. BUT you can't begin to heal until you stop looking over your shoulder to see what your ex is doing. Move FORWARD, don't look back, don't go back. Just move forward, and every day will feel a little bit better, and every night you will feel a little bit stronger, and before you know it, you'll find a man who respects you and treats you with dignity. Forget the Ex. He's not your problem anymore, and not worth worrying about.

In all honesty, what difference does it make if he *DOES* commit to her? Didn't you say he's your EX, that he treated you badly? Why would you even waste your time pondering it?

Run. Run far away and do not look back. If he is this close to his mother now, he will *ALWAYS* be this close to his mother. There is no changing the dynamic of a mother-son bond, even after you marry the son. I know this from experience, since I am constantly having to remind my husband that he married ME, not his mother. Be strong. Move forward with your life, not backwards; there's someone out there for you. It just sounds like he wasn't it.

If you start a relationship before being 100% over your ex, you will likely start a pattern of using each new relationship as a way to get over the last. It's a difficult pattern to be in, and a cycle that's really tough to stop.

I think you guys are being too quick to make assumptions. I am friends with MOST of my ex-boyfriends. Today, they are my friends. They respect my husband and the boundaries presented to them by my marital status. And I, in turn, am careful not to give my husband any reason to be jealous of time I may spend with them. I think you need to talk to her, and let her know how uncomfortable this makes you, and take it from there.

It sounds like you both really have your stuff together. As far as being friends goes, I've had about a 50% success rate with that. Those among the ex's that I am still friends with, attended my wedding three years ago, and consider my spouse to be their friend as well. So that's worked out well. But really, it's a special pair of people that can bury an ended romance and focus on the friendship. Good luck.

I've been through this. My mother-in-law is constantly calling me by the name of the first wife. And my husband has been known to slip on occasion, too. It's not the worst thing in the world, nor is it a sign that she is still hung up on her ex. It's probably a force of habit, and nothing more insidious than that.