I hope that someone out there can help me. I am extremely depressed and need to know if I made the right decision because as each day passes, it seems like I didn't.
I dated a wonderful man for 1.5 years but in February '03 we called it quits for good. Now I cannot forget him, I cry for him every night and am wondering what the hell I was thinking in ending the relationship.
One of the main problems I had with the situation was this, he is 33 (I am 28), has a Masters in Psychology and has a wonderful job at a college. At 33, he still elected to live at home with his Mom. In addition, they shared a joint bank account and were almost inseperable. He advised that this set up was due to the fact that his parents are divorced and she couldn't afford the house alone. He did not want to pay rent to a landlord so he stayed home to help out with the bills and maintain the property. Once his Mom's boyfriend retired, she was supposed to move in with him and they were going to travel together. Ultimately, she decided that she liked her independence and did not move out. She is still there and he won't discuss the situation w. her.
Aside from that, whenever I would visit, she was there and it was hard to have privacy. Over time I grew used to it but it still bothered me. When my boyfriend bought a new truck for himsef after 10 years, his Mom never congratulated him, she got mad and said "That is not what we discussed. We discussed the used one....." She put a guilt trip on him for buying his own vehicle, with his own money. Again he never stood up for himself.
The part that finally broke my heart into a thousand pieces was this scenario. After dating over a year, I tried to get an idea if he wanted to get married and he stated he did. However, I was always the one to discuss it and he never did. He would use words like "wherever this goes, whatever happens between us...." Those words hurt me and I told him that and he said it's because he's a pesimisst.
Not too long after that, he told me that over the summer he was going to fix up the house for his Mom. He was going to finish the basement, put siding on it, refurbish the kitchen, out in new carpeting etc. He even told me about a person going over the house to give an estimate on the siding. I thought it was a great idea but I decided to test him. I asked him how he felt about having 2 loans out in his name. His Mom doesn't qualify for a home equity loan due to her income and his name would have to be on it. I asked if he was comfortable with that knowing we would have to take out a loan too when we got married for our home. He got very quiet and didn't answer me. He said that he woudn't have 2 loans out in his name and it did bother him. It was left at that and he NEVER mentioned house renovations to me again. My point is that if he was REALLY contemplating marriage with me, why would he tie himself down with a $75,000 loan for his Mom's house? It demonstrated to me where his priorities lay.
Shortly thereafter I became disgusted with him and ended the relationship. I felt like his Mom would always dominate our lives and he was already "married" to her. He never stood up for himself or us or what he really wanted. I never felt like it was me- 100%.
I know the man loves me and I love him still. My problem now is that, maybe I should have given it more time? Maybe if I did that then he would have proposed. I am not sure.
Thank you for reading and for any advice.
