toolgirl150

Oh hun - I feel for you! . I know how hard this can be. Don't you hate it when there has been so much emotional difficulty and sadness and they act all cool and casual and say stuff like "hey" - and you just feel like screaming - F U! Anyway - I would stay the course. Don't call her and I would avoid calls with her. It is apparent that she is unsure about what she wants and wants to keep the door open with you "in case things don't work out" or if she gets bored. Guys do it and girls do it. I have a post on "why they want to be friends after they break up with you". link removed It sounds like she wants to keep you in her back pocket without committing to you entirely, but not letting you go. I would continue what your doing and keep moving forward - in a new direction away from her. If things change in the future and you 2 get together it will be bacause you've both come to a new place. Not because she's been dangling you around and you've been taking the bait. Oh and the "I don't know" comments. If I had a nickle for every "I don't know" from my ex, I'd be rich!! You dont' need someone in your life that can only give you "I don't knows". It may not be a "no" but it is certianly not a "yes". Have you noticed people who are really attractive and exciting tend to know what they want out of life and go for it? Go out, have fun with friends, don't sit home waiting for the call. Oh, and get caller ID - it can be a tool and your friend.

for better or for worse - she has moved on. She has come to a place in her life where she believes she is better off without you, independent of her personal feelings. Plus there's the trust. You burned her and she doesn't trust you anymore. Sometimes that doesn't come back as easily as you like. It seems like you know this already - but you will just have to accept that and move on too. Don't be too hard on her. She's looking out for herself. She doesn't want to go through that pain again.

The answer is yes, yes and yes. Yes, he isn't over you. Yes, he's messing with your head, Yes, he doensn't want to let go. But the smartest thing he has done is to realize that you 2 would just hop in the sack together if you ever saw eachother. He knows that because all he does is fantasize about you. You didn't give details of your relationship with him, but it is apparent that he has unfinished business with you. And by doing this with you he is being dishonest with his current gf - even though you haven't done anything - really - the fact that he is holding a torch for you is enough. If I were his new gf and I found out, I'd be so pissed! He needs to be careful - what if she found all those racy photos of you? My advice is to stop contact with him. He is holding you back from finding a real relationship where someone can give you everything you deserve and he is letting his emotions with you go unresolved. What if his current gf intercepted his mail or e-mail and found those pictures from you? You dont' want to get involved. I'm kind of going through the same thing. I have an ex that whined and got pouty when I said I want no more contact with him. I'm still sticking to my guns - he calls and e-mails but I dont' respond. And its good. So yes, he's messing with you and he still isn't over you. It sounds like he's not trying to be a jerk - but just being weak. You and I girl - we gotta be the strong ones. There are better and real men out there!! (or so they tell me!) 8)

Oh yeah, I loved watching my ex do that. It was an exciting way to break out from the ordinary. And it great eye candy....

I used to get cramps after having sex (and having an orgasm) when I was pregnant. My uterus would go through "mock contractions" - wasnt' super painful more discomforting. I couldn't tell from your member name that you're female, but I'm assuming you are. Maybe your uterus is having pretend contractions. (I assume your not pregant?) Did you recently go on a birth control? That could be affecting things. Its probably nothing, but maybe this is something to mention to your doctor the next time you have an exam.

Guess what - guys do it too. Personally for me the word "space" means in realty "things aren't that great, I need to be alone (read: with other people) and I don't want to spend time with you but I am not sure I totally want to break up with you." Or their just to wimpy to do a full blown break up. I think its just a way to kind of slowly back out of a relationship, without burning bridges - a way to leave the door open just in case the "space" thing doesn't work out.

another dupe!!

dupe!!

oops dupe!

There is obviously a lot of back story here and it is obvious that with your ex ex - something happened, you behaved very badly or the relationship went so much in the toilet that all she could do was cackle maniacly and walk away. Who know, who cares? But it I will say one bit if advice. Learn from your mistakes. Can't change the past and who wants to be buddy buddy with all your exes anyway? Learn from past goof ups and don't do it the next time. it sounds like you're on your way. I know - running into exes suck. Especially if they ended badly. In my opinion, moving on and ignorning and finding different circles to be in is the best way. And you seem to know that.

Ok - your a bit of a cad. A thoughtful caring cad, but nonetheless, there you are. First off, I realize cultural differences and religious difference dictate how people conduct their lives. IMHO - you didn't "steal" jack. Assuming you didn't rape her - you two had consensual sex. She lost her virginity. Those things happen. Its called life. I don't know what country your are writing from, but if it is from the US - y'all have to stop living in the 18th century. OK - rant done. I think the answer is as plain as your face. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES MARRY THIS PERSON OUT OF GUILT. You will be condemning yourself and her to a half a life filled with regret, bitterness and phoniness. I don't know yours or her personal situation - but I would run from that situation as fast as my legs could take me. You've already said that you don't love her and you have been less than honest in your dealings with her. She's 34 years old and begging a man to marry her. I don't know what culture you are from, but it is a sad indicator that pushes a woman to act in such a way. Forget the concept that this will fix things or you are obiligated to her. Yes, you will be deemed the jerk in this whole scenerio - but think big picture. You will be doing everyone a favor to separate yourself from that situation ASAP. DO IT.

From something really really good? Hi folks - its me again. And I'm in a philosphical vent mode. I can't really yammer on and on with my friends and co-workers about this stuff because I can see their eyes glaze over. So y'all get my rants! I've been pondering for sometime how some people (like my ex and many other stories I have read here) are able to calmly walk away from wonderful relationships. Note: i'm talking about those kind of break ups where everything is wonderful and then - pow - their gone. You knew in your gut that they still love you, loved you crazy when they were there and when you see them again you sense that passion all over again. Those kind of relationships where they were wonderful, you were wonderful, yet they leave anyway. I was stuck on that concept for some time. until it hit me. Its about HONESTY. I don't know if this will help any of you out there who have been dumped in this fashion but IMHO, normal people with their head on straight and their hearts in the right place would never leave a love that is so great. Life is so full of pain, and struggle, who would? Well, people who have been dishonest - either with other people, you or even themselves. People who do that usually have hidden lives, secrets and obligations they think they have to uphold It all came clear to me when I realized what I was to my ex. I was an escape. When he would see me, it was wonderful. He didn't have to worry about money, we could go out and do fun stuff (I paid) no solicitors calling all hours of the day, no fear of his ex suddenly showing up and cutting off her purse strings, no smothering disfunctional (and past abusive) family, we could act like a normal couple going out. But when he went home, he had to face all his crap. See, my mistake was I thought the normal couple thing was real. No, just the escape. So that's my theory. People that seem to go up in a puff of smoke for no apparent reason were not showing their true selves. They may have showed a face that they would want to live but for whatever reason, thought they couldn't in reality. I dont' know if that makes sense - any other theories? (remember - this theory only applies to those relationships that are great and both parties know it in their gut - but someone still leaves)

Hello everyone: I thought I would start a general thread on tips on how to get past what often feels like the a most devestating time in your life. Y'all know what i'm talking about. As most know, I've been dumped, put through a rollercoaster and pretty much played a chump - but I'm coping to get over it and I wanted to share and maybe have other come up with good ideas. 1. the biggest thing that helps - is distance and real seperation. My ex was floating in and out of my life. Uggh, 2 steps forward, 1 (or 2 or 3) steps back. I haven't spoken with him in a week and already I feel better. The crying does stop, I'm not saying I will never cry again over this, but really - trust me - DISTANCE IS GOOD. 2. Rearrange your bedroom (this is for those people who have been intimate with their exes). You would not believe how much better I slept after I moved things areound. Get new sheets, change your view. Because if you keep things the way they are, every time you get into bed (alone) guess what your thinking of? This really worked for me. 3. Date. Really. I don't mean rebound relationship - no way. But go out on dates. At first it may be sad and you find yourself comparing them to your ex, but after awhile, you start seeing other people in a new light and appreciating them for themselves. If you can't find dates, go out with friends. That is just as good. Go out, have fun, do something goofy, or just out to eat. But don't sit home staring at the same walls, feeling bad for yourself watching tv of other people having wonderful relationships. I had a date last week that at first I was not wild on, but he is TOTALLY different than my ex and challenges me in new and different ways. I actually had fun I also recommend the book: Exorcising Your Ex. its a fun read and has lots of helpful hints that work (like the rearrainging bedroom thing). Its written for women, but I think much of it works both ways. So, any other suggestions from the BTDT club? Let's hear from you!

Ok - I think you need to "fish or cut bait", kipperboy! Seriously though. I see both sides of your situations. Not 100% sure what I would do if I were you. I used to have the same syndrome you have. The "wanting-to-make-everyone-happy" syndrome. Well it doesn't work. Lets think about this. What would really happen if you cut off contact with this person? Would she go postal, jump off a roof, flip out? If that is so, then she needs more help than you can give her. And if you have been reading any of my own topics and many others, are you REALLY doing her good by letting her down slowly? Easing her out of it? Honey, you are NOT doing her any good - she needs to have her episodes or whatever and move on. Yes, I agree that 11 years is a long time, and you shared many things together - but if it aint going to be, it aint going to be. And the sooner she believes that the better (trust me I know). PLUS: Your present g/f is carrying your child. She will need you to be at her side emotionally and physically 100% very very soon. I know this. Every time you backslide and try to soothe your ex's feeling, your present g/f feels abandoned. And of note: your g/f will probably start very soon to experience intense mood swings. Now is not the time to mess with her head or her sense of security. No, you do not have to tell her to *bleep* off. But you do need to dicontinue contact. Do not return calls, if you do see her or speak to her, be short, businesslike and get out. Your ex is an adult and she WILL get over it. Dragging her through this is not allowing her to get over it. Every time she sees you , it brings her hopes up. If she is that emotionally fragile, then she needs serious help. Write a letter or something to her family or friends (odds are they are probably not talking to you). It is high time that your ex started standing on her own two feet. And you are doing her a diservice by coddling her - giving her false hopes. She can and she will get through this, but she will do it best if she is without you. (if you have read my posts, I was dumped by someone and although I haven't been a model of perfection through this, I find I am getting over it better when I DON'T have anything to do with him) I'm not kidding, you are playing around with serious trust issues and when you lose trust (like from your current gf) it is VERY hard to get it back. You are back with the woman who makes you the happiest. She is carrying your child. You are starting a new family. Do the right thing. And remember - YOU CAN'T MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY! If you try, you will lose the peope in your life that make you the happiest. There is no need to be an a@#hole - you know that - but you can set boundries and focus on your priorities. My suggestion - try no contact. Do not return calls, do not call her, just kind of start avoiding. Be there for your new family and let go of the old. Good luck and keep us posted...

Wow - I really really feel for you girl. But I'm going to be straight with you. You are very very very unhappy. It is very apparent that your marriage is pretty much a sham. Both for you and your your husband. My first recommendation. Go get some personal counseling. Not marraige counselling (yet if ever) - you have A LOT of issues and unresloved stuff to get through. Your current state of sadness just seems to make your feelings for your ex even more intense. Yes, divorce is hard, it sucks and its a lot of work and not to be taken lightly. How happy are you sticking it out. For what? The children? Children are much smarter than people think. When I divorced my daughters father, I agonized over it for a few years. But I came to the realization I wanted to lead a complete life, not a fake one. Not find myself leading half a life - trying to sneak in happiness here and there. And having my daughter console me during crying jags is not good for my daughter. I realized too I married for the wrong reasons - security and I thought I would be happy with "mr close enough". I was a fool. Things are hard - I won't kid you. Worrying about money, smoothing out emotions with my daughter. But I couldn't bear putting on that fake face for my exhusband or my daughter one more day. Kids see right through that. But that's my own 2 cents. You are very unhappy - start talking to a counselor. Start working through these things. You've made the first positive step by coming here. And going into therapy doens't mean you will automically get a divorce. But it will help you start to sort out the whats, the whys, the what ifs, and maybe even the whens. Don't be afraid of therapy - many people are - it doesn't "change" you - sometimes it just makes you realize things you kind of already know deep down. good luck - and please, keep us posted. Oh , I also recommend a book - its an easy read: "Life's a struggle, but you can win" by Erin Brokovich. She's no shrink, she's just a chick like us that is trying to get through life and just kept "pressing on" and made it.