Crushed

I want to thank you both for your posts. I appreciate the feel back, the time, and the thought that you took. Donot worry I am not beating myself up over this. I know that there is nothing I did wrong and that the problems are issues that are from her past relationship. unfortunately that doesn't change the fact that they are still there. I am saddened by the loss, or will be, not only of my friend and partner but for the loss of the life I was looking forward to. I had actually fallen in love with Milwaukee and a more "sedentary" life. I'm in sales and she worries that I will be off galavanting on business and meet someone. That I am all "big city" and wouldn't be happy at a slower pace. I honestly like the slower pace. But, a funny thing happened on the way to the forum. (The title of a movie and play BTW.) She txt'd me tonight asking me if I wasn't busy if I'd like to do something on Saturday. I waited like ten minutes trying to be patient by of course agreed. THIS MEANS NOTHING!!! I have to tell myself that. One date does not a relationship make. It is a nice change of pace though. She actually Txt'd me earlier asking me if I was going to watch The Practice tonight. I thought it strange as there was really no point to her contacting me. I usually watch it and if not so what, at least to her. It's not like she would have been asking me if I was watching so she could come over and watch it. As I said there was no purpose to her contact. Usually our contact is very purposefull. It may start with a joke or random information but then the point of why we called or txt'd comes out. There was none of this. I am trying to keep my feeling real close to my chest and have no expectations. But I know I am just playing mental chess with myself. I know this is a good 1st step but afterward, even if we have a great time she could be back to "I don't know what I want..." For tonight I am happy though. I guess that is all. It's late and my head is swimming. I didn't expect to be responding so soon. If you have any other input I would greatly appreciate it, but thank you again even before I spoke with her you thoughts have been a great comfort to me. Crushed BTW She went on a few dates the 1st time we broke up so it is not out of the question. But you are right, it would not help my cause at the moment. Both for my sanity and for effecting the relationship.

I'm doing everything wrong. My ex and I broke up about 2 months ago. We had been going out for over 2 years. We broke up once because she was having huge fears that we didn't want the same things. She had divorced shortly before we met. She refuses to get another divorce and is thus petrified of making a mistake. She was scared that I wouldn't be happy with her and will leave her or cheat on her. I have done nothing to make her think that. I moved to northern Illinois from Chicago to be nearer to her as she lives in WI. I changed my religion from one sect of Lutheranism to another. And in the past year thought I had shown her what I wanted was the same as her. One big problem is she tried to convince herself and her ex-husband that she liked the same things that he did. So she won't believe that I actually enjoy doing all these things I hadn't done before her. I am paying for her mistakes. She is so damn scared about getting another divorce that she is running from something which was really, really great. I gave her a month of no contact. She did not call me during this time. I ended up calling her. We talked a bit over a few calls and there are still definitely feelings there. But she is trying to convince herself that those "differences" were real that we wouldn't be happy in ten years. I came to the conclusion (correctly or incorrectly I'd love your feedback) that if I continued to do NC she would just continue to rationalize her feelings away and then we would have nothing. I believe people can rationalize anything if they are allowed to and given time. I couldn't just allow it to die. I was able to get her to go to Phantom of the Opera with me. We had a really great time. We always seem to click when we spend time together we just have great chemistry. I had my arm around her at the show, she leaned into me the entire time we talked and laughed. I've called her since then and our conversations have gotten serious not fun and lighthearted where she tells me how she not sure what she wants, and how she's scared to make a mistake. Just today I spoke to her and tried to dispel any misconceptions she might have. I'm not sure if it worked, she still has her doubts. Her birthday is next week and I already sent her a gift, the retro girl Vermont teddy bear. She is very much into retro and pink and is very girly. I think she will love it. The problem is I am totally torn as to what to do next. I am keeping myself busy. I am working out. And I know I can find someone else. I don't want anyone else. She makes me happy, she makes me laugh, she is everything I want in a partner and I'm in love with her. Even her "flaws and quirks" and adorable. I want her in my life always. At this point I don't know what to do. I feel like if I do nothing, and try doing more NC this relationship is doomed. She will just rationalize and let it die. I feel I have to try but am trying to walk a fine line between staying in contact and chasing, pressuring, and or smothering her. We've been in contact and there is still something there but she doesn't want to make it hard on me or lead me on as she's uncertain, mainly because of her fears. Lastly I don't know, but I think she might have started dating someone. Call it a hunch but she was evasive about what she had been doing on certain nights as we have asked each other what we did over the weekend. Then yesterday she was going to the ballgame with some "friends" from church. A friend from church could easily be another guy. I don't know if I should ask her or not. A. would she tell me the truth? (I know you guys can't answer that.) B. How would I feel if I really knew she was even though now that's what I think. Lastly maybe it might make her feel more guilty and pressured thus reducing my chances. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance, Crushed

Hey guys, Thank you all for your replies. I do appreciate it. I am still going through this and still tying to make this work. I am going to write a new post; "I'm doing everything wrong" if you care to get an update and offer opinions. Thanks again, Crushed

The above questions are good. I wouldn't be worried about being put on the friend level. For guys that line is far more blurred and maleable than with women. But give him his space and when you see him with out saying it remind him of why you were together.

I do feel like she's the one and there's no doubt in my mind that we could be very very happy. You both right in the fact that she is confused and scared and now not certain of what she wants. So why am I trying so hard? I do believe she's the one for me and I'm the one for her. She make me happy. I love her. I can't put it any other way and if I let this go I feel she will put a wall up around her feelings and then it's done. She won't be chasing after me It's not in her personality to ask for anything or be forward thus the communication problems. And at the end of the summer I will move back south if we are apart I doubt I'd be willing to do it all again if she called me after that. So I do feel if we end it here, we end it for good. I don't want that. So I guess that's your answer. I do know she has flaws, we all do, but you work through those flaws if you love each other. Though I think your on to something about the addiction factor. I do feel addicted to her. What do you guys think about how to handel Sunday. I was planning on just trying to have a good time, but if she's closed and distant, not allowing us to have a good time, I won't know what to do. I'll want to talk about stuff. And at some point if not on Sunday in the next week We'll need to talk about stuff, if we will proceed occasionally seeing each other if we will be talking? Is this our final hurrah?

I did not post my link. link removed Thanks again, Crushed

Mix, I've got to say kudos on being so mature, it least when it comes to understanding relationships, at 19. I wish I was. I just wanted to say your advice was great. If you have the time I would appreciate any thoughts you have on my situation. WE are all busy so'll I'll understand not replying. Thanks again and God Bless, Crushed

Thank you both for your response, The thing that kills me is that some of the things she was worried about is if I would be happ in a "normal" life. When she met me I was still kind of living like a 26 year old college kid. But now, and for the past year I realize that I have been the most happy just coming home and having my GF there and us spending the night together doing nothing. I was excited to move to the next step in my life. That is what I truly want. I feel not only that I have lost my GF but I have lost my direction and goals. On top of it most of my friends are getting engaged, are married, and are having kids. I truly wanted that. Now I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I know I have a lot to offer a woman. I am young no previous marriages or children. I am well educated, have a good job, outgoing, decent looking... But she is the one I want. I may be putting myself in line for more pain. But I can't simply let this person walk out of my life without trying. I'm torn between just trying to have fun and wanting to talk about the things she thinks I want and what I truly want. BUt being stuck here an hour away from my friends, who are all moving on with their lives, and feeling I have no direction just sucks. I truly miss her and I miss what we should have been. This future life I had planned was the most motivating/exciting thing I can ever remember. The idea of trying to meet someone in a bar right now sounds pathetic and repulsive. I don't want to pick up some booze hound. The thought of dating and all the BS associated with it sounds almost worse. On top of it all everything in my apartment we bought together and is a constant reminder of her. Every time I get on the highway it says 94 north to MILWAUKEE!!! Everyday I get reminded. It's funny how you said I deserve more than what she is giving. My friends have said it, my family has said it, heck I think even she might have said it. But what can I say I am a very giving person. I don't expect others to give as much as me. Maybe I should. If any of you have any further thought on the Phantom thing and/or how I should approach this date please let me know. Thanks again for your response, Crushed

Hello all, I am hoping you all can give me some advice I am really confused here and don't know what to do. I haven't asked for any help in a year now, but here I am. My GF and I had been going out for over 2 years. In the middle there she broke up with me because she had concerns that we were not compatible. She had concerns about our religion, how far we lived from each other, my values, my smoking… Well I explained to her that she had a lot of misconceptions about what I wanted and that I want a family and a normal life, I would be happy to move near Milwaukee so she could be near her family, that I was getting closer with God and wanted a relationship with him and for us to grow together in his grace. Well eventually we got back together and things were absolutely wonderful. They were even better than before. I was so happy. I moved up to northern Illinois to be closer to her and things were great. Well unfortunately I see now in hindsight, that when I moved up here away from all my friends and family I became clingy and started smothering her. I don't blame myself as I didn't realize this and she never told me. One of her biggest issues is she doesn't communicate her concerns. Well she was going back to school and became busier and busier. She also now had to work on Saturdays to make up for the time she was in school. So her life became more stressed all the time I was becoming more clingy. Now sometime after Christmas, when she started second semester, a semester from hell, she started withdrawing. Of course unfortunately I pursued and really started smothering her. Well at the end of February she broke up with me. I was totally floored. She had said she had fallen out of love with me and had been hoping that would change over the last two months we were together. After some pleading I left. I started no contact and a bit after a month I contacted her. Conversation was pleasant but very superficial. Finally I got out of her the fact that some of same original fears that I thought we had addressed were still there. Also she told me had I proposed to her approx 6 months ago she would have said yes. This set me back and now I am trying to get her back, as I love her very much. Also one fact she was married before I met her and is deathly afraid of making another mistake. So I spoke to her this week and asked her to go to Phantom of the Opera with me and we both really like that stuff. She was very non-committal and commented that she needs to concentrate on her school, that she doesn't want to lead me on as she doesn't know if she will get those feeling back. Finally she said she would give me a call on Sunday with her decision. Based upon how I know her, how noncommittal she was and the tone of her voice, I was certain she'd say know on Sunday. Well she called me back the next day saying if I could move up the date one week that she'd like to go but wanted to pay for her ticket. But when we have spoken she sounds so distant on the phone. I can't help but feel she's just doing this to be nice and/or to let me down easy. I also have thought that she may just try to be totally distant and not keep her heart and mind open so I'll come up with the conclusion myself. I'm really scared of being crushed. And I really want her in my life. I know I will always have a place in her heart and she even said how our time together was great, that I never did anything wrong or mean, and that she could make a list of all the wonderful qualities I have and why she should love me. But she is the type of person that once they fully come to a decision they don't look back. When she misses me she will do a great job of rationalizing her hurt away. So I feel if I don't make this effort , it is done for good. She will not look back and we all know how effective constant pursuit is. Please help and offer your input. I know the standard things keep busy… If you look at my posts especially older ones I often am the one giving that advice. But knowing all that stuff is not helping me now. Please, please respond. Thanks in advance for your time. Crushed

I truly feel your pain. You MUST give her the one month if you have any hope at all Read what she said, she was feeling smothered. She needs space. But one thing I have to warn you is that even if you were able to get back together it doesen't mean it will work I speak from experience. I was here about a year ago to the date and now I'm here again. Her words were almost exactly the same as your woman's. Mine said things like in two years you never did anything wrong or mean. You were only wonderfull to me. I know I'll probably never find someone who treats me so well. Her friends told her this too. So try and separate yourself from this. And wait for her to contact you. No e-mail no txt msgs. She will miss you and contact you. Let her do the chasing.

I know how you feel. Keep reading the posts and keep busy working on yourself. Your girl will not forget you, I know I was worried about the same thing. But it is as impossible for them to just forget you as it is for you to forget them. If you two were ever truly in love then that will not happen. I forgt who said this but it rings true: "When you love someone you give them a piece of your soul and you gain a piece of theirs. Neither can be taken back or returned." Do the no contact thing for at least 30 day minimum and read all the posts, especially by Morrigan. But I can assure you she will not forget you and she does miss you. That's what you have working for you. Crushed

Morrigan, Thank you for your fantastic reply. This is great advice and deserves to be bumped so others can read it.

Great Post! I appreciate the advice. This should be a sticky. Bump

The one thing I want to say to all of you who break your own no contact rule, act inappropiately, do things you regret. Forgive yourself. We all do it. This is a really tough time for you especially if it's the 1st time you've been crushed. But it will get better and soon you'll be wondering how you ever let yourself be so emotionally controlled by someone. Good luck with your no contact it will get easier. Crushed

Stingseed, Read my signature it says it best. Actually you should see the movie swingers. There's reall no difference between no contact to help you move on and no contact to win her back NC = NC no matter what the reasons. Try and work on yourself and NC for at least 30 days. That's at least what I'm trying to do. Crushed