toolgirl150

Oh hun - I feel for you! . I know how hard this can be. Don't you hate it when there has been so much emotional difficulty and sadness and they act all cool and casual and say stuff like "hey" - and you just feel like screaming - F U! Anyway - I would stay the course. Don't call her and I would avoid calls with her. It is apparent that she is unsure about what she wants and wants to keep the door open with you "in case things don't work out" or if she gets bored. Guys do it and girls do it. I have a post on "why they want to be friends after they break up with you". link removed It sounds like she wants to keep you in her back pocket without committing to you entirely, but not letting you go. I would continue what your doing and keep moving forward - in a new direction away from her. If things change in the future and you 2 get together it will be bacause you've both come to a new place. Not because she's been dangling you around and you've been taking the bait. Oh and the "I don't know" comments. If I had a nickle for every "I don't know" from my ex, I'd be rich!! You dont' need someone in your life that can only give you "I don't knows". It may not be a "no" but it is certianly not a "yes". Have you noticed people who are really attractive and exciting tend to know what they want out of life and go for it? Go out, have fun with friends, don't sit home waiting for the call. Oh, and get caller ID - it can be a tool and your friend.

for better or for worse - she has moved on. She has come to a place in her life where she believes she is better off without you, independent of her personal feelings. Plus there's the trust. You burned her and she doesn't trust you anymore. Sometimes that doesn't come back as easily as you like. It seems like you know this already - but you will just have to accept that and move on too. Don't be too hard on her. She's looking out for herself. She doesn't want to go through that pain again.

The answer is yes, yes and yes. Yes, he isn't over you. Yes, he's messing with your head, Yes, he doensn't want to let go. But the smartest thing he has done is to realize that you 2 would just hop in the sack together if you ever saw eachother. He knows that because all he does is fantasize about you. You didn't give details of your relationship with him, but it is apparent that he has unfinished business with you. And by doing this with you he is being dishonest with his current gf - even though you haven't done anything - really - the fact that he is holding a torch for you is enough. If I were his new gf and I found out, I'd be so pissed! He needs to be careful - what if she found all those racy photos of you? My advice is to stop contact with him. He is holding you back from finding a real relationship where someone can give you everything you deserve and he is letting his emotions with you go unresolved. What if his current gf intercepted his mail or e-mail and found those pictures from you? You dont' want to get involved. I'm kind of going through the same thing. I have an ex that whined and got pouty when I said I want no more contact with him. I'm still sticking to my guns - he calls and e-mails but I dont' respond. And its good. So yes, he's messing with you and he still isn't over you. It sounds like he's not trying to be a jerk - but just being weak. You and I girl - we gotta be the strong ones. There are better and real men out there!! (or so they tell me!) 8)

Oh yeah, I loved watching my ex do that. It was an exciting way to break out from the ordinary. And it great eye candy....

I used to get cramps after having sex (and having an orgasm) when I was pregnant. My uterus would go through "mock contractions" - wasnt' super painful more discomforting. I couldn't tell from your member name that you're female, but I'm assuming you are. Maybe your uterus is having pretend contractions. (I assume your not pregant?) Did you recently go on a birth control? That could be affecting things. Its probably nothing, but maybe this is something to mention to your doctor the next time you have an exam.

Guess what - guys do it too. Personally for me the word "space" means in realty "things aren't that great, I need to be alone (read: with other people) and I don't want to spend time with you but I am not sure I totally want to break up with you." Or their just to wimpy to do a full blown break up. I think its just a way to kind of slowly back out of a relationship, without burning bridges - a way to leave the door open just in case the "space" thing doesn't work out.

another dupe!!

dupe!!

oops dupe!

There is obviously a lot of back story here and it is obvious that with your ex ex - something happened, you behaved very badly or the relationship went so much in the toilet that all she could do was cackle maniacly and walk away. Who know, who cares? But it I will say one bit if advice. Learn from your mistakes. Can't change the past and who wants to be buddy buddy with all your exes anyway? Learn from past goof ups and don't do it the next time. it sounds like you're on your way. I know - running into exes suck. Especially if they ended badly. In my opinion, moving on and ignorning and finding different circles to be in is the best way. And you seem to know that.

Ok - your a bit of a cad. A thoughtful caring cad, but nonetheless, there you are. First off, I realize cultural differences and religious difference dictate how people conduct their lives. IMHO - you didn't "steal" jack. Assuming you didn't rape her - you two had consensual sex. She lost her virginity. Those things happen. Its called life. I don't know what country your are writing from, but if it is from the US - y'all have to stop living in the 18th century. OK - rant done. I think the answer is as plain as your face. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES MARRY THIS PERSON OUT OF GUILT. You will be condemning yourself and her to a half a life filled with regret, bitterness and phoniness. I don't know yours or her personal situation - but I would run from that situation as fast as my legs could take me. You've already said that you don't love her and you have been less than honest in your dealings with her. She's 34 years old and begging a man to marry her. I don't know what culture you are from, but it is a sad indicator that pushes a woman to act in such a way. Forget the concept that this will fix things or you are obiligated to her. Yes, you will be deemed the jerk in this whole scenerio - but think big picture. You will be doing everyone a favor to separate yourself from that situation ASAP. DO IT.

From something really really good? Hi folks - its me again. And I'm in a philosphical vent mode. I can't really yammer on and on with my friends and co-workers about this stuff because I can see their eyes glaze over. So y'all get my rants! I've been pondering for sometime how some people (like my ex and many other stories I have read here) are able to calmly walk away from wonderful relationships. Note: i'm talking about those kind of break ups where everything is wonderful and then - pow - their gone. You knew in your gut that they still love you, loved you crazy when they were there and when you see them again you sense that passion all over again. Those kind of relationships where they were wonderful, you were wonderful, yet they leave anyway. I was stuck on that concept for some time. until it hit me. Its about HONESTY. I don't know if this will help any of you out there who have been dumped in this fashion but IMHO, normal people with their head on straight and their hearts in the right place would never leave a love that is so great. Life is so full of pain, and struggle, who would? Well, people who have been dishonest - either with other people, you or even themselves. People who do that usually have hidden lives, secrets and obligations they think they have to uphold It all came clear to me when I realized what I was to my ex. I was an escape. When he would see me, it was wonderful. He didn't have to worry about money, we could go out and do fun stuff (I paid) no solicitors calling all hours of the day, no fear of his ex suddenly showing up and cutting off her purse strings, no smothering disfunctional (and past abusive) family, we could act like a normal couple going out. But when he went home, he had to face all his crap. See, my mistake was I thought the normal couple thing was real. No, just the escape. So that's my theory. People that seem to go up in a puff of smoke for no apparent reason were not showing their true selves. They may have showed a face that they would want to live but for whatever reason, thought they couldn't in reality. I dont' know if that makes sense - any other theories? (remember - this theory only applies to those relationships that are great and both parties know it in their gut - but someone still leaves)

Hello everyone: I thought I would start a general thread on tips on how to get past what often feels like the a most devestating time in your life. Y'all know what i'm talking about. As most know, I've been dumped, put through a rollercoaster and pretty much played a chump - but I'm coping to get over it and I wanted to share and maybe have other come up with good ideas. 1. the biggest thing that helps - is distance and real seperation. My ex was floating in and out of my life. Uggh, 2 steps forward, 1 (or 2 or 3) steps back. I haven't spoken with him in a week and already I feel better. The crying does stop, I'm not saying I will never cry again over this, but really - trust me - DISTANCE IS GOOD. 2. Rearrange your bedroom (this is for those people who have been intimate with their exes). You would not believe how much better I slept after I moved things areound. Get new sheets, change your view. Because if you keep things the way they are, every time you get into bed (alone) guess what your thinking of? This really worked for me. 3. Date. Really. I don't mean rebound relationship - no way. But go out on dates. At first it may be sad and you find yourself comparing them to your ex, but after awhile, you start seeing other people in a new light and appreciating them for themselves. If you can't find dates, go out with friends. That is just as good. Go out, have fun, do something goofy, or just out to eat. But don't sit home staring at the same walls, feeling bad for yourself watching tv of other people having wonderful relationships. I had a date last week that at first I was not wild on, but he is TOTALLY different than my ex and challenges me in new and different ways. I actually had fun I also recommend the book: Exorcising Your Ex. its a fun read and has lots of helpful hints that work (like the rearrainging bedroom thing). Its written for women, but I think much of it works both ways. So, any other suggestions from the BTDT club? Let's hear from you!

Ok - I think you need to "fish or cut bait", kipperboy! Seriously though. I see both sides of your situations. Not 100% sure what I would do if I were you. I used to have the same syndrome you have. The "wanting-to-make-everyone-happy" syndrome. Well it doesn't work. Lets think about this. What would really happen if you cut off contact with this person? Would she go postal, jump off a roof, flip out? If that is so, then she needs more help than you can give her. And if you have been reading any of my own topics and many others, are you REALLY doing her good by letting her down slowly? Easing her out of it? Honey, you are NOT doing her any good - she needs to have her episodes or whatever and move on. Yes, I agree that 11 years is a long time, and you shared many things together - but if it aint going to be, it aint going to be. And the sooner she believes that the better (trust me I know). PLUS: Your present g/f is carrying your child. She will need you to be at her side emotionally and physically 100% very very soon. I know this. Every time you backslide and try to soothe your ex's feeling, your present g/f feels abandoned. And of note: your g/f will probably start very soon to experience intense mood swings. Now is not the time to mess with her head or her sense of security. No, you do not have to tell her to *bleep* off. But you do need to dicontinue contact. Do not return calls, if you do see her or speak to her, be short, businesslike and get out. Your ex is an adult and she WILL get over it. Dragging her through this is not allowing her to get over it. Every time she sees you , it brings her hopes up. If she is that emotionally fragile, then she needs serious help. Write a letter or something to her family or friends (odds are they are probably not talking to you). It is high time that your ex started standing on her own two feet. And you are doing her a diservice by coddling her - giving her false hopes. She can and she will get through this, but she will do it best if she is without you. (if you have read my posts, I was dumped by someone and although I haven't been a model of perfection through this, I find I am getting over it better when I DON'T have anything to do with him) I'm not kidding, you are playing around with serious trust issues and when you lose trust (like from your current gf) it is VERY hard to get it back. You are back with the woman who makes you the happiest. She is carrying your child. You are starting a new family. Do the right thing. And remember - YOU CAN'T MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY! If you try, you will lose the peope in your life that make you the happiest. There is no need to be an a@#hole - you know that - but you can set boundries and focus on your priorities. My suggestion - try no contact. Do not return calls, do not call her, just kind of start avoiding. Be there for your new family and let go of the old. Good luck and keep us posted...

Wow - I really really feel for you girl. But I'm going to be straight with you. You are very very very unhappy. It is very apparent that your marriage is pretty much a sham. Both for you and your your husband. My first recommendation. Go get some personal counseling. Not marraige counselling (yet if ever) - you have A LOT of issues and unresloved stuff to get through. Your current state of sadness just seems to make your feelings for your ex even more intense. Yes, divorce is hard, it sucks and its a lot of work and not to be taken lightly. How happy are you sticking it out. For what? The children? Children are much smarter than people think. When I divorced my daughters father, I agonized over it for a few years. But I came to the realization I wanted to lead a complete life, not a fake one. Not find myself leading half a life - trying to sneak in happiness here and there. And having my daughter console me during crying jags is not good for my daughter. I realized too I married for the wrong reasons - security and I thought I would be happy with "mr close enough". I was a fool. Things are hard - I won't kid you. Worrying about money, smoothing out emotions with my daughter. But I couldn't bear putting on that fake face for my exhusband or my daughter one more day. Kids see right through that. But that's my own 2 cents. You are very unhappy - start talking to a counselor. Start working through these things. You've made the first positive step by coming here. And going into therapy doens't mean you will automically get a divorce. But it will help you start to sort out the whats, the whys, the what ifs, and maybe even the whens. Don't be afraid of therapy - many people are - it doesn't "change" you - sometimes it just makes you realize things you kind of already know deep down. good luck - and please, keep us posted. Oh , I also recommend a book - its an easy read: "Life's a struggle, but you can win" by Erin Brokovich. She's no shrink, she's just a chick like us that is trying to get through life and just kept "pressing on" and made it.

ME? Break that 'poor boy's heart'? Give me a break?! Jeez Louise. I come on this site because I know I did something that is not helpful for me, I feel like a chump, I feel more lonely than before and I get is slammed! break HIS heart?- that's rich!!I'm crying all the time. All I wanted was one thing - HIM and he's the one that can't make up his mind and guess what.... I'm the one with the broken heart and the lonely nights. And I resent how people are jumping all over me because I had sex with that same 'poor boy'. Calling me names, telling me I should get a gigilo! That makes me sick. I know what I did was not good - but I don't need this kind of abuse. I came here looking for support, commiseration, some HELPFUL advice. NOT JUDGMENTS. 'notalone"? Baloney. In the end we all are. This place is no different.

Woah - the more info you get, the more things become clear. And I will try to avoid getting in a flame war with brando's lovechild... In my previous post, I was referring to any situaitons that were in the past and you didn't know any of them. But since it sounds like its all recent history AND she is still in contact with them AND you meet them. That's too much. Big difference between "oh, I was in a weird threesome 5 years ago and I was drunk and you don't know any of them...." and "I was in a threesome last year, it was really hot and oh, this is Mike". No way. I officially retract my you've got issues comments. If you were still fuming over something long ago that she doesn't do any more or not throwing it in your face, than yeah, but this sound different. I gotta agree - you HAVE to talk to her. Your not getting the respect you deserve. It sounds like sex to her is not that important. You and her are on different pages.

Woah - somebody's got their panties in a twist today? Sheesh. I come to this board because I know I will get advice and support from people who have BTDT! Most of the posters on here are usually grappling with how to move on from their exes! Regarding calling people sluts, I think that is uncalled for and should not be tolerated on this site. You obviously have no clue what its like being being dumped by someone that your crazy about and its obvious you don't know jack about real relationship issues. I have been with ONE man for the past year, the ONE man I am crazy about, the ONE man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. And if being weak and wanted to be close to and make love to (maybe for the last time) to that one man makes me a sl*t, than I guess i'm a sl*t! Although I am the FIRST to admit that I am better at giving advice than taking it, walk a day in someone elses shoes and you'll see life isn't always in black and white. And don't get me started on the sl*t issue. Oh men can do whatever they want, and their a stud, but women on the other hand are called sluts. Somehow you managed to insult me AND the other person with issues with his gf's past. Come to think of it, I think you probably instulted a good portion of the people on this board. Good going. This place is for support, a place to lend an ear, a place to vent or just commiserate. If you'd rather not be helpful - then go troll some other board.

oh sweetie - I'm going to put it to you bluntly - you got a few issues, honey! That being said - i do understand where you are coming from with this. I too have a hard time dealing and listening to escapades from the past. Example, when my exhusband revealed some sort of odd thing he did years ago while on a club med cruise. It wasnt' necessarily that sexual, but trust me, it was odd. It stuck in my brain for a long time. I eventually got over it and let it go. But I learned one thing out of that. I do not need full disclosures from people I am having a relationship. Maybe for the future - you and your signifigant other don't need to reveal everything. It serves no purpose and can just raise tension. Love each other in the present and the future and chock it up as "experience" that you can now enjoy. But to your present situation. That knowledge is hurting your relationship. It is apparent that you are passionate for this woman and you love her. But her escapades bother you. I'm taking your older and she is not your first. Guess what - people have pasts - don't always do things that are considered perfect and I bet you have a few skeletons in your closet too. My suggestion is to talk to her about it and tell her how much this knowledge bothers you and makes you feel insecure, blah blah blah. Maybe by talking about it, you can start to get past it. Maybe she could even help you feel better, maybe she would reassure you that you are the one for her, regardless of her past. If you still feel stuck - I would suggest maybe a few therapy sessions to iron it out. Everybody needs a tune up now and then. You need to clear up your jealousy issues, your feelings that she is "dirty" - that will distroy your relationship. How do you think she would feel if she knew you thought she was "dirty"? I bet she would be devestated. Work on this hon, talk to her. Remember nobody is perfect. We all have done things we are less than proud of. Hindsight is 20/20. Do what I do - don't ask and don't tell. Just skip the subject all together. There us generally no reason for people your involved with to give you details of their past. Vague generalities work fine for me! Don't let something in the past hurt a good thing in the present.

Well, I think the first thing you need to do is talk to him. Seriously. Directly. He needs to know that you are concered about his apparent lack of interest and his drifting away. It sounds like he's drifting away. Don't you hate guys that do that? On a woman to woman note: You do way too much for him. And he is treating you accordingly: doormat. And he has come to expect certain things from you and know that you will not put up a fuss. I am the first person to advocate against game playing - but I think you need to make yourself a little less available. A little less a accomodating. This doesn't mean you turn your back and become a hard nosed witch. Just quit beig his maid, cook and mother. But back to the original problem. You need to meet with him, face to face and let your issues be heard. And not in a beggy-whiny I need you kind of way. More of a I'm feeling taken for granted and I think your loosing interest in this relationship and I need to be treated better kind of way. First things first - don't suffer in silence. Let him know!! He is falling down on his end of this relationship.

Hello fellow muffins! Hope you're all doing well - or at least as best as can be expected. Well, as my title indicates, I did it again. I slipped. My story in a nutshell is about my spineless ex who can't bear the thought of loosing me completely. Well, I agreed to go turkey hunting with him on wednesday partly because I really wanted to go. Well, guess what happened? 7 hours alone in the woods in camo and no turkeys in sight - what do you think happened? It was sweet, wonderful, sad - and as usual we couldn't keep our hands off eachother. I talked about everything that has been brought up here (see my post about "why the heck they want to be friends after they dump you") and he agreed to just about everything. He is one of these people that has a hard time letting go of anything. (case in point: several weeks ago, I saw him checking his e-mail and he has saved EVERY e-mail I have ever sent him. eek!) I won't go into his whole sordid story for the newcomers because its kind of dumb. But its very weird, and I just need to share this with people here that understand. Part of me knows that spending that time with him was counterproductive and I've taken 2 steps forward and 1 step back and I know I should just cut all ties with him completely if I am ever going to heal and move on. The other part of me doesn't want to move on. I have never felt so strongly about anybody like this. And I know that he feels the same way - its apparant. And I am glad I got to spend a little time with him. So I guess that's it - I've taken 2 steps forward and 1 step back. I don't feel as awful as I did in the beginning. And I'm still dating other people. So don't hate me y'all! Has anybody else been in this not so healthy circle that they know they should get out of but don't want to? take it easy everyone!

Wow - that's the roughest story I have ever heard here. 2 things: 1. You do need help to get past this. Do whatever you can to move on from this. Therapy, whatever. This sounds like it has scarred you deeply (and with good reason) and will affect you for the rest of your life and will and could cause damage to furture relationships. That being said: 2. This girl sounds sick. She has essentially fallen off the planet with not just you, with everybody else. For not to hear anything from friends, family, or anything is just plain weird. I will say this very loudly: THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT - her issues sound like it has nothing to do with you. Does she have a history of emotional issues? It sounds like she hit some sort of emotional brick wall and jumped ship. Completely. You do have to move on and let her go. Whatever is going on in her life, you can't control it anymore - you've seen that. Do whatever it takes to get over it. Take a sabbatical - go on a trip someplace - go home for a few weeks. If it takes meds, well, it takes meds. You are not crazy - you just had the rug pull out from under you with no explaination. She has problems. Normal people don't do that sort of thing. Good luck - you can do this. You are important and good. Keep us posted....

Good, I hope he does feel bad. Although not nearly as bad as I feel lately. Let him feel bad. I hope he wakes up one day and really regrets walking away from something so good - a situation where he would have been allowed to be himself because I loved him just the way he was. jerk

There is a huge difference between an occasional fantasy and having fantasies fuel your life - your marraige. It sounds like there is a possibility you married for the wrong reasons. You need to address that. My big suggestion is to start some therapy to explore that. First individually, then in couples counselling. If you don't, you will end up having an affair. When something so big as this is missing in your marriage it is hard to ignore and just be happy with what you've got. I think you need to be honest with yourself and perhaps on some level with your wife before you start making mistakes that will turn an unhappy situation into an ugly situation. good luck to you.

Ok - this may just be my own witchy opinion - but just because there is a distance between you two you were under NO obligation to being ok with him taking someone else to the prom. And allowing him to kiss someone else? HELLO? Did you suddenly change your name to Ms. Doormat? Sorry - that was harsh. But wanted to make a point. A long distance relationship comes with sacrifices. Not going out with other girls is one of those sacrifices. By allowing this and basically giving him the green light to kiss other girls, you basically said gave him to go ahead to do whatever he wants and your feelings don't matter. My guess is more has been going on before the prom happened. Heck, he could have easily gone with a big group of other single friends or not at all. If he had true feelings for you, going to the prom just wouldn't be the same without you. I know it is very hard to learn when your a young woman, but YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TAKE CRAP FROM GUYS!! It took me a while to get it through my head too that we as girls do not have to cowtow to boys and live in fear of losing. Trust me, you will become much more attractive if you (at least appear) more confident. I would do what the previous poster said. Call him, but be pretty straight in your message. You want closure - you want a straight answer and if not, you need to move on. You can do this!!!