KipperBoy

Yeah I take all your kind comments onboard. She called me again 5 minutes ago (semi drunk) blaming me not being able to see her on my girlfriend and that she is going to go and see her tomorrow and stuff to sort her out. I told her to F off at this point and not to call again (she will). I've tried telling her to get lost and this is the thing she always seems to end up doing. I guess I'm not a totally stupid or blind person, so I can see that she is trying to be manipulative. Drawing the matter (at this precise time) to my girlfriend's attention I don't think would be the best thing. She seems to be very upset of late at the smallest thing (probably hormones). I'm saying the things I need to say to my ex. Thing is she won't go away and is defaulting back to threats that she is going to make trouble for me (she says she doesn't mean too, nonsense) but my g/f needs to know that after 11 years that she can't stop us being buddies. If this were at all possible I would go along with it to keep the peace but I know that it's not going to be possible at all! So at least I am actioning the advice you've all been giving (thanks) but so far the outcome is not good and rather exactly what I predicted. My g/f really doesn't need this b/s right now. I love her so much and I don't want her being upset! Worst of all although I think that it's unlikely I don't want her going off me. Anyway I'll keep you updated. Knowing my luck she will manage to wreck things for me with my g/f now KipperBoy

Here is the situation now. I've tried cooling things off with my ex but she still calls up, my new g/f still doesn't like it and it's all really getting on top of me. I find it really difficult to be nasty enough to tell my ex not to darken my doorstep again for the following reasons: 1. I know that she calls because she genuenly worries about how I'm doing. 2. She needs to be able to talk to me when she is upset (like a coping mechanism). How can I be so horrible under those circumstances alone. 3. I made promises when I broke it off with her that I would be there to help her through it and I'm not a man that likes to break promises. Especially under those circumstances. 4. I guess if I'm honest although I don't love my ex I do care about her (difficult not to when you spent 11 years with someone to completely and suddenly expect them to take telling them to *bleep* off lying down). 5. I feel the situation has improved dramatically since we split up through this method of "slow wind down" although I know that it would become much worse again if I did execute the deed that is expected of me, don't want to undo the progress I've made in this area. So you see it's not as easy or straightforward for me to tell her to *bleep* off as my new g/f wants me to and as I've so far been advised. It's really getting on top of me (from both sides), the ex as she won't leave me alone (on the phone quite often still) and the g/f as she gets angry that I won't tell her to *bleep* off completely when I feel that it's impossible for me for reasons stated above. Help!!!!! Please answer whichever question below you feel would be the most appropriate course of action for me to try to complete or achieve. a. How does someone that doesn't feel like he wants to be a nasty dude be the nasty dude he feel he can't be under these circumstances. b. How does one try to explain successfully to his g/f (who has every right to expect me to get rid of excess baggage) why I find it almost impossible to do this currently without causing further arguments (this only compounds the issue for me). c. Got any other advice you on how I can effectively deal with this problem, even it is "tell her to *bleep* off" which is really not the answer I would prefer although it's looking like the only one. Thanks for listening and any advice. I'm really upset over this and the last thing in the world I want to do is to loose my g/f over it although I really wish I could get her support with this (I know that's a tall order under the circumstances to expect). I love my g/f more that she realises. I just care about what happens to my ex and I'm NOT trying to keep a dialouge going myself I just don't want to be the nasty guy that tells her to *bleep* off in the end, but perhaps there really is no other way. Thanks for listening again. KipperBoy.

Yeah you're right, Pre-emptive is the best way to go, I've not been misleading to my new girlfriend at all and I don't feel I've done anything wrong. Just a few times I did go round I forgot to mention it, then realised some time later that I could and should have but that it was perhaps a little too late. Apart from that I didn't want it to be a cause of bother at the time, as I don't like her being upset especially now she's pregnant. It was nice of you to think I've a heart of gold, I wouldn't go quite that far. Guess I'm not such an awful person though, lol. Telling my EX to *bleep* off was not what I really wanted to do but I suppose I will have no choice. I really find it difficult to be so blunt though as I didn't want our relationship to end this way, although it's not been the loving relationship I was missing for years it was a comfortable arrangement, with neither of us being particularly unpleasant to each other. I don't mean her any malace either and I don't enjoy being the cause of further pain to her. Suppose I need to think of myself here now. I love my new girlfriend SO much though I will do WHATEVER is necessary to keep things together. Thanks again ToolGirl, your a nice person. KipperBoy

Thanks Toolgirl, Recent update on the situation is, ex called me tonight and I told her that I wanted to cool the dialogue down totally as it's making things difficult for me at the moment (trying to be open and honest and reasoning over things) but as predicted it did NOT go down well at all. She now wants to call my girlfriend tomorrow and say anything nasty she can think of about me including telling her that I've visited her (just for support when she was emotional) when my girlfiend may not have been aware of it. It's really taking a twist for the worse, she seems to want to ruin my current relationship now as she can't have me anymore. It's depressing and I must admit I'm more than a little worried. Your right, I am SO in love with this girl and I guess that I understand clearly that I never fell out of love with her. Her parents took her to another country to live when we were back in highschool so it ended things for us back then, neither of us wanted that and I never dreamed I would ever be able to get her back. So YES i'm really happy to be back with her and I can't believe that we're going to be having a baby together, unless my recent ex spoils things for me and she seems hell bent on it now Anyway thanks for the advice.

Hi, i'll try to keep it brief. I recently got back with my first girlfriend and first love from school. It's been a dream come true and we are now expecting a baby. However! To achive this task I split with my girlfriend and live in partner of 11 years. We didn't have a phyisical relationship for over 7 years but she was very emotionally dependent on me, and we were quite good friends I suppose. Trouble is because of the above I have tried to make the split as painless as possible by not being nasty about things because I really don't like hurting her feelings and although I really wanted (needed) to get back with my first love I have no pride over hurting my recent ex so deeply. But! She won't stop calling me all the time, expecting to be friends, demanding a lot of my time and such like, my current Girlfriend does not like this (understandibly) and we row about it frequently and she just wants me to tell her to *bleep* off. I don't really feel that this is within my capacity to do so as I'm really not a nasty blunt guy, but if I don't I fear it may ruin my regained relationship. How do you think I should proceed, think I can guess whats coming but anyway. It's driving me mad.