dinopq

Luckystar and others..... Please don't take what I was tring to communicate the wrong way. I was not tring to say that "No Contact" is the wrong thing to do. I have done it myself ONLY AFTER letting the other person know where I stood. I never just left someone, never giving any reason or without letting them know why I was doing what I did. Hey, I am fine with someone that I am with, moving on, ending the relationship and even not having contact or communication with me. That was not the hurtful part of what happened to me or what I was tring to say. We were together for 2 1/2 years and something happened. I respect her and her decision if that is the was she needed to deal with ending it (having no contact) but she showed little respect for my feelings not letting me know why or that she did not want to ever talk again. It is a matter of respect and closure for BOTH people involved not just one. Again, I'm all for the mature "No Contact" concept but not the "No Contact" game and from what I have seen they can be two different things. Bottom line in my situation wanted the relationship back, she didn't. I can see that now but was clouded then. And should have let things be. My main point was if things aren't working out and they weren't meant to be, end it like an adult and after discussing it, then the "No Contact" concept is the way to go.

I have been reading many posts her over the past few weeks on the whole "No Contact" idea and have some things and my personal story to share. I'll keep my experience to the point and hope that it will help with what to do and not to do if you ever find yourself in my place. First off I feel that any advise that you may take given by anyone should be evaluated deeply, especially if given by someone who is Jr. High. I am now in my early 30's and have had 5, 2+ year relationships to draw from. While I am not a relationship therapist by profession I have been through heartbreak and have learned much through my experience and from hearing about countless others as I'm sure you have as well. Now for my experience with this whole "No Contact" concept. I began seeing a girl when we were both 29 years old. Neither of us had ever been married and shared the same desires/belief. We soon feel in love and moved in to a new house together. We both wanted to settle down, get married and start a family together. My parents liked her and her parents liked me as well. We both became like family to them. Sure, like any relationship there were disagreements but nothing ever that dramatic. We shared and did EVERYTHING together. Then one day in mid July 2002 she called me and said that she was getting her things and leaving. And no, I'm not leaving something out of this story that I know of to make her do this. I was at work and in the middle of a meeting and asked her if we could discuss it after the meeting. She said fine and hung op the phone. Keep in mind that this was over 1 1/2 years ago. I HAVE NEVER HEARD FROM HERE SINCE! TO continue with the story from when she hung up....I returned home to find her things gone, no note, nothing. I didn't know what to do or say. So I let things sink in and would call her the next day. She didn't answer so I sent her an e-mail...nothing in return. I let another 2 days pass and called her again and left her a message on her cell phone simply and calmly asking her if we could talk....I received no call in return. Now keep in mind I never heard of or played this "No Contact" game before except maybe once in 2nd grade! So here is where I started to make my mistakes..please don't do the same as my life might be different now if I hadn't. Oh, wait, there is also an interesting and disturbing twist to this saga but I'll get to that I will get to in a minute. I then thought it would be a great way to win her back by writing a 7 page letter letting her know how empty and incomplete I was without her, how I would change anything...it went on and on, you get the idea or maybe received or wrote one before. And yes, I received nothing in return. I then called her mom who only said that she is fine and she suggests that I leave her alone. I called her brother and he said that he heard that we broke up but she wouldn't talk about it. I then wrote at least 2-4 more letters and sent them over the next 4-5 months followed by flowers at Christmas. That is not the interesting part, the interesting and disturbing part is that we work for the same company just in a different building several miles apart that I have to go to 2-3 times a month and had a engagement ring that I was going to surprise her with on that New Years. I had friends that know her go and talk to her but she always kept it short while she knew anything that she would say would be told to me. Now I was acting like I was in 2nd grade! Like a fool, I sent yet another letter to her last Feb. (1 year ago today) and again...nothing in return. Looks like I broke every rule of this "No Contact" game. I truly did love this girl with all my heart. She was my best friend and planned to spend the rest of my life with her. During this time I fell so deep into depression I seriously no longer wanted to continue on and planned on committing suicide. I gained over 40lbs, drank nearly a bottle of vodka every night (a whole one + on the weekends) and removed myself my all my friends and family. I lost any and all self-respect and I nearly lost my job. Thankfully a true friend that understood, really understood what I was going through was able give me the help and advise I needed that some so called "professionals" were unable to do so. I have come to despise the phrases "move on", get over it" and "get on with your life". Well as I said before I never heard from her since that day in July 2002, 1 1/2 years of "No Contact" that im sure will become "Never Contact" for her. It's quite obvious where I made my mistakes as the story above outlines. So before you give the "No Contact" advice or perform this game with someone think of that person and their feelings. Yes, they may have hurt you or things just aren't working out but give them the respect and do to them, as you would like done to you. I'm not suggesting continuing to talk or planning to see each other, but rather let them know where you stand and why you feel the way you do and that you are not planning on communicating or seeing them. If they do write or call politely let them know where you stand. Put yourself in his or her shoes as if it were you tiring to get in touch with someone. If they persist then they are not respecting you and let them know it, NOW the "No Contact" is not a 2nd grade game but your way of dealing with your feelings. You could use this "tool" of "No contact" as one of the most powerful ways of hurting someone as it did in my case. But be warned, what come around goes around...that is one saying that sooner or later always comes true. As for my situation now, I am finally back on track, lost the weight and have taken some of the good advise I've seen here and began working out and dating again. i still think of her often and still a part of me loves her even after what she did. i still don't know why she left, I have asked around if it was someone else, etc. but never found out and really don't know why I even care. Oddly enough I never even seen or ran into her at work?!? Well that is my story and 2 cents worth. Would like to hear if anyone ever did something like this or heard it being done and hopefully it was at least something to think about. Best Wishes.............

I keep this short as possible being the strangest thing that has ever happened to me. My question to you for help is stated at the end.... My girlfriend and I broke up (she left me) this past July after being/living together for nearly 3 years. We both are now 30 years old, never married, no children and both have great careers. We were best friends, did everything together, loved each other and had both planned to spend the rest of our lives together. I think the problem was that she couldn't trust me, however I never cheated on her. That morning she left she called me and asked me if I wanted to continue the relationship as we were arguing about something insignificant. She said that she was going to get her things and leave and she would not be coming back. I was in the middle of a meeting and asked if we could talk later. She said fine and we hung up. I e-mailed her then next evening to let things cool off but no reply. I called her on cell phone and got her voice mail and left a message that I was sorry and wanted to talk with her. Several days passed and I wrote another e-mail receiving no reply after finding out that she changed her cell #. I then wrote several letters and sent them to her parents house where she I assumed she was living. Still no reply. I then contacted her brother and mother to see if she was okay and that I wanted to talk with her. Again no reply. Several weeks past as I left her alone to work her feelings out. I again wrote another letter to her stating how sorry I was and how much I loved her. Still no reply. To compound all of this we both work at the same company but at different locations however I have to attend meetings where she works. One morning several weeks later in a chance encounter, she is driving next to me in her new truck pretending to notice me. When I return to where I work a co-worker informs me that she called him "freaking out" that she saw me. I asked him that next time that he was at her location if he would talk with her. He did and she told him that she didn't leave me for someone else but that she couldn't trust me and if I wanted to talk with her why didn't I go up to her desk and do it. He also said that she picked up the phone to call then put it down. Now here is where things get complicated. 1. I know that she was "stalked" by her ex-boyfriend. 2. The company we work for is very high profile and I could possibly face harassment by doing so. December comes and we are moving into the holidays and I have plans to marry her on New Years Eve. My aunt that is close to me passes away, my mom is in the hospital and I am working long hours. Again, I write another heart felt letter to her expressing all that we shared together, how much it meant to me, how I never could or would cheat on her. Nothing in reply. I gathered up all of the things that she left and brought them over to her friend's house. I was nervous when her friend answered the door as I began to express all that she meant to me. Her friend told me that she has not heard from her and that she sold her vehicle, bought all new clothes and won't even come back to her to get her nails done because it in the same town where we used to live. Daily I was asked by co-workers and family/friends if we were able to discuss. Embarrassed, I told them that I have heard nothing, not even a message from to let it go! Christmas came as I brought out the decorations that we packed together a year earlier. I couldn't get myself to put them up as I fought to even leave the house. Several days after Christmas with new years quickly approaching I found what I thought was the perfect card and wrote yet another letter. Again nothing. I then sent flowers to where she was living with her parents with yet another letter outlining my feelings. This time I really expected something, possibly final closure or a new beginning. Yet again, I received nothing. New Years Eve passed as I spent it alone with the ring I had planned to give to her in my hand. I went into the New Year with initial feelings of a new beginning and hope, but with every evening and weekend without her I felt lost. January past as I sunk into deep depression and again removed myself from family and friends. And yes, I did seek help, medication, etc. The advice I received from the "professionals" I saw was to; "get over it", "move on", "it wasn't meant to be", "...in the next relationship", etc. Medication?????? I was never depressed before...chemical imbalance???? Come on. I lost my best friend, future wife and she won't even talk with me after 6 months? I then wrote the final letter to her in early February. Asking why she hated me so much and that I did still mean everything that I wrote in expressing all that she meant to me. Once again nothing in reply. At this point I have not slept or eaten on a regular basis in 9 months. After yet another trip to the location where she works at, I run into a mutual friend that asks the weekly question, if I heard from her. After giving him an update he asks if I would mind if he went to see her. I said no and he left. Several hours later he calls me and says we need to talk. I meet him that evening and he relays the conversation that took place. He explains that she is not dating anyone else and that if I want to talk that I should stop by her and see her. Prior to knowing that she would say this I have told him that work is work and that a relationship and would should be kept separate. She told him that she agrees. She continues by telling him that by calling me would be giving into to me. After about 45 min. they concluded by him saying that there should be some closure and that she would like to talk but that it too difficult. I have been absolutely devastated and paralyzed for 9+ months of my life by not hearing from someone that I loved and spent nearly 3 years of my life with. Writting another would be, I feel, a waste of time and would probably send the wrong message. I did try calling her at work 2 months back and will not do so again. Yes, I know I need to move on, it must not have meant to be and let it go, etc.. much easier than said even after 9 months! The question: Has anyone ever done this to someone, had this done to them or heard of someone doing this to someone????? If so why? She claims that it is still too difficult to talk, but I really think that is an excuse. I have no closure to this and I guess I am somehow keeping some level of hope alive , as strange as that may sound after all this time. Any help???? Thanks!!

Thanks for the reply. I understand if she needed to move on, for whatever her reasons, I was just looking for some "mature" closure. I even mentioned to her in a letter that I understand if she didn't ever want to keep in contact, etc. but just to leave after nearly 3 years without ever speaking again????? Doesn't it seem strange?? .....and it has been difficult, to never have any closure, but I think that you hit it on the head with possible past and unresolved issues. Maybe she ended all of her relationships like this, I just never heard of someone doing something like this to someone before and don't understand why. This has hurt me more than if she cheated on me or would have told me that she hated me. I would love to be married and start a family! I wonder if she even thinks of me anymore. In any event, I don't want to accept that it is over and wish we could get back together or even talk one last time, as strange as that may sound after all this time. Thanks!!!!

I keep this short as possible being the strangest thing that has ever happened to me. My question to you for help is stated at the end.... My girlfriend and I broke up (she left me) this past July after being/living together for nearly 3 years. We both are now 30 years old, never married, no children and both have great careers. We were best friends, did everything together, loved each other and had both planned to spend the rest of our lives together. I think the problem was that she couldn't trust me, however I never cheated on her. That morning she left she called me and asked me if I wanted to continue the relationship as we were arguing about something insignificant. She said that she was going to get her things and leave and she would not be coming back. I was in the middle of a meeting and asked if we could talk later. She said fine and we hung up. I e-mailed her then next evening to let things cool off but no reply. I called her on cell phone and got her voice mail and left a message that I was sorry and wanted to talk with her. Several days passed and I wrote another e-mail receiving no reply after finding out that she changed her cell #. I then wrote several letters and sent them to her parents house where she I assumed she was living. Still no reply. I then contacted her brother and mother to see if she was okay and that I wanted to talk with her. Again no reply. Several weeks past as I left her alone to work her feelings out. I again wrote another letter to her stating how sorry I was and how much I loved her. Still no reply. To compound all of this we both work at the same company but at different locations however I have to attend meetings where she works. One morning several weeks later in a chance encounter, she is driving next to me in her new truck pretending to notice me. When I return to where I work a co-worker informs me that she called him "freaking out" that she saw me. I asked him that next time that he was at her location if he would talk with her. He did and she told him that she didn't leave me for someone else but that she couldn't trust me and if I wanted to talk with her why didn't I go up to her desk and do it. He also said that she picked up the phone to call then put it down. Now here is where things get complicated. 1. I know that she was "stalked" by her ex-boyfriend. 2. The company we work for is very high profile and I could possibly face harassment by doing so. December comes and we are moving into the holidays and I have plans to marry her on New Years Eve. My aunt that is close to me passes away, my mom is in the hospital and I am working long hours. Again, I write another heart felt letter to her expressing all that we shared together, how much it meant to me, how I never could or would cheat on her. Nothing in reply. I gathered up all of the things that she left and brought them over to her friend's house. I was nervous when her friend answered the door as I began to express all that she meant to me. Her friend told me that she has not heard from her and that she sold her vehicle, bought all new clothes and won't even come back to her to get her nails done because it in the same town where we used to live. Daily I was asked by co-workers and family/friends if we were able to discuss. Embarrassed, I told them that I have heard nothing, not even a message from to let it go! Christmas came as I brought out the decorations that we packed together a year earlier. I couldn't get myself to put them up as I fought to even leave the house. Several days after Christmas with new years quickly approaching I found what I thought was the perfect card and wrote yet another letter. Again nothing. I then sent flowers to where she was living with her parents with yet another letter outlining my feelings. This time I really expected something, possibly final closure or a new beginning. Yet again, I received nothing. New Years Eve passed as I spent it alone with the ring I had planned to give to her in my hand. I went into the New Year with initial feelings of a new beginning and hope, but with every evening and weekend without her I felt lost. January past as I sunk into deep depression and again removed myself from family and friends. And yes, I did seek help, medication, etc. The advice I received from the "professionals" I saw was to; "get over it", "move on", "it wasn't meant to be", "...in the next relationship", etc. Medication?????? I was never depressed before...chemical imbalance???? Come on. I lost my best friend, future wife and she won't even talk with me after 6 months? I then wrote the final letter to her in early February. Asking why she hated me so much and that I did still mean everything that I wrote in expressing all that she meant to me. Once again nothing in reply. At this point I have not slept or eaten on a regular basis in 9 months. After yet another trip to the location where she works at, I run into a mutual friend that asks the weekly question, if I heard from her. After giving him an update he asks if I would mind if he went to see her. I said no and he left. Several hours later he calls me and says we need to talk. I meet him that evening and he relays the conversation that took place. He explains that she is not dating anyone else and that if I want to talk that I should stop by her and see her. Prior to knowing that she would say this I have told him that work is work and that a relationship and would should be kept separate. She told him that she agrees. She continues by telling him that by calling me would be giving into to me. After about 45 min. they concluded by him saying that there should be some closure and that she would like to talk but that it too difficult. I have been absolutely devastated and paralyzed for 9+ months of my life by not hearing from someone that I loved and spent nearly 3 years of my life with. Writting another would be, I feel, a waste of time and would probably send the wrong message. I did try calling her at work 2 months back and will not do so again. Yes, I know I need to move on, it must not have meant to be and let it go, etc.. much easier than said even after 9 months! The question Has anyone ever done this to someone, had this done to them or heard of someone doing this to someone????? If so why? She claims that it is still too difficult to talk, but I really think that is an excuse. Any help???? Thanks!!