Scout
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One of the articles talked about how we start to view our long-term partners as "family." And of course, we don't typically identify feelings of passion and sensuality with family (that is, if we grew up in a normal household). In fact, the article says the longer people are together, the harder it gets for them to share their fantasies with each other. That's one reason people start to look outside their marriage for validation that they are sexual. And the plain truth is the butterflies and passion don't have their own momentum like they did in the early stages of a relationship. We have to make an effort to keep both "alive." And some people get a little lazy and stop making that effort. Perhaps your wife's eyes would be opened a bit if she read this stuff.
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Good Housekeeping has gotten very modern, lol. They've probably just kept the name because it's a recognized brand. But it's a woman's magazine, and it would be telling his wife what he wants her to do, anyway. There are numerous articles in this month's issue about sex and marriage, it's kind of the whole focus of this issue. It's not that I'm trying to duck out of giving you advice, Hootz, but your wife might think more deeply about this stuff if she's hearing it from professional marital counselors in the form of an article, you know?
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This advice seems to have the ring of authenticity. You in the biz, Dougie?
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Do your wife and yourself a big favor, and buy this month's issue of Good Housekeeping. Don't laugh! The whole focus this month is marital sex, and you'll be pleased to know the authors advocate people just going ahead and doing it even if they think they're not in the mood. The reasons why are outlined in the articles, and they make a heck of a lot of sense. I was really impressed with the articles...they were frank, candid, realistic, and hopeful in their advice and hints. You're not alone. People in long term relationships almost always end up in this situation for some very good reasons. The articles give a lot of insight into this, and again, some great strategies for injecting physical intimacy back into the marriage.
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Miya, I'm so very sorry. But it is so clear from your post that she had the absolute best year a dog possibly could. You were wonderfully kind to take her in, and yes, wonderfully kind to release her from her pain! I very much understand how some of us want to do all we can to keep our pets alive, but there's a point where we really need to release them from their suffering. And that's exactly what you did. What are some of your favorite memories of her? What was her name?
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BTR, I wonder if spraying Lanocane or using some kind of anti-itching cream would help with your itchy tummy?
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So, do you think if your wife gave you more positive reinforcement you wouldn't have engaged in a sexual flirtation with another woman? I just worry that if this is the case, even if you and your wife do make up, that you'll still be susceptible to looking outside your marriage for validation. Because there is no way a partner can fulfill all our needs all the time. And if you even unconsciously blame her for this, you are setting yourself up for not taking full responsibility for your own choice. Which will also make you more susceptible to making the same mistake again.
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If you sincerely did not have feelings for this other woman, whatever you do, don't back down from that statement. Even if your wife questions you on this ten times a day for eternity. Because I guarantee, the minute you get weary and say "yes" just to get your wife to stop asking, THAT'S when she'll leave you. She keeps asking you this now because she just doesn't believe you yet, she hasn't been able to get her head wrapped around why you would say such things to another women unless there was something there. I don't blame your wife for being terribly hurt by all this, by the way. To be honest, if I read such emails as you describe, I would have a hard time ever trusting my partner again. However, I think it's a good sign you're going to therapy, and I bet your wife will eventually join you in some sessions. That's going to be the key to your marriage surviving this. Oh, one more thing...this month's issue of Good Housekeeping magazine features articles that delve into frank discussion about marriage and sex. One of the points brought up that I found most interesting was that marriage is not naturally conducive to wild, passionate, experimental sex, because after a while, we associate our marriages with family. So that's why a lot of people look outside of their marriage to validate they are still sexual, wanted, passionate beings. Not that this is an excuse, but it might give you some insight into why you pursued such a dangerous flirtation.
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Sorry to hear about this. If it's any comfort, you throwing him out might be the catalyst for him to get the help he needs. If it's isn't, then he may have to hit even more rock bottom before he does. In other words, I seriously doubt there is anything you can do to help him, other than encourage him to seek help, and try to figure out what need inside of him this gambling addiction feeds. If you take him back, I worry that your own life may spiral out of control.
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Hi, cucajj...welcome to eNotalone. I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time, and I imagine you feel somewhat isolated being in a completely different country. Is your husband's family over there, too? If so, how do they treat each other, just out of curiosity? I'm wondering if this is something your husband grew up around, and he takes it as a matter of course that it's ok to be verbally abusive. Which of course, it definitely is not.
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Hmmm. I don't really recommend you concentrate on dating right now. Not until you're in a place within yourself where you believe you're actually worthy of a good guy. Because I get the feeling you haven't been in that place for a long time. And so you've been selling yourself short over and over again. What would make you happy, do you think? That doesn't involve, at least at this time, a romantic relationship. You mentioned lack of friends and social contact several times. Would a more concrete social network help you be less lonely? I suspect it might. So, how will you go about getting some new friends?
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I'm perplexed. When you say people can see you coming a mile away, I guess I would expect you to be wearing something really zany. But jeans, a dress shirt and a trench coat don't sound unconventional at all. Not to me, anyway. Of course, I'm a child of the eighties, where "non-conformist" meant mohawks, ripped jeans, tattooes, and piercings!
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I usually look, even though I'm not single anymore. Just out of idle curiosity, really. In fact, I look at both men and women's ring fingers.
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Hi, BTR...I know this sounds easier said than done, but why don't you try to take things one day at a time? Try not to project too far into the future. Try not to worry about more than one thing at a time. And while I understand why you have these concerns, I seriously doubt R has either the money or initiative for a custody battle. Now, onto something happier...your baby is almost here! We are all so excited for you!!
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Im Engaged and Need Suggestions?
Scout replied to my.alias's topic in Marriage/Long Term Relationships
Well, let me ask you this...what is that you do that your boyfriend responds to the most? Some boyfriends are absolutely touched if their girlfriends do a surprise "Act of service" for them...like wash their car, take care of that pile of laundrey that's been sitting in the corner of their bedroom for a month, run an errand for them... Some boyfriends are thrilled when their girlfriend gives them (sincere) compliments. They respond to words of affirmation. Some boyfriends feel most loved by their girl when she's being physically affectionate and intimate. And some boyfriends respond most to presents and gifts. In my experience, guys respond more to the first three than the last. So, give it some thought...what are the things you've done or said in the past that made your boyfriend just melt, tell you how much he loved and felt loved by you, and squeezed you tight? Maybe that will help you plan an unforgettable Valentine's Day for him. -
Again, your views are refreshing. Because I'll be brutally honest. I've been coming to eNotalone for almost three years and the absolute hardest people to get through to here are the ones who tag themselves as "nice" guys and girls. They refuse to look inward into why they have little success at relationships. It's always, ALWAYS that girls just like jerks, or guys like (rhymes with witches). In other words, for some reason, it's easier for them to conclude with a sweeping, EXTERNAL generalization, rather than looking inward and acknowledging their own patterns. They insist they're just "too nice." The thing is, though...a lot of 'em ain't so nice. In fact, they typically have a lot of bottled up hostility and resentment inside them towards the opposite sex. So my question is...how'd you break out of that? What was the turning point for you?
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Well, at first we didn't know all the details, and in your initial posts you were kind of cut and dried about the whole thing. So, it did sorta look like it was mostly a matter of a job/money that broke you two up. I actually was thinking about the fact just now that you've been away from your family for five years and would like to be near them again. I completely understand that. All in all, I guess there's no right or wrong...but I have a feeling it's a crossroads a lot of couples come to at some point. Not sure if it always results in a break-up, though. Speaking of which, how did she take the break up?
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What reasons did she give for being hesitant about moving to New Jersey? You seem to imply that a better financial deal trumps everything. Maybe she had other considerations that meant more to her than money. On the other hand, it seems like money means more to you than your relationship.
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I thought it was a bit telling she said you two had more bad times than good. And in one of your other threads where you posted one of her emails, she said something about the children having to witness a lot of your fights, or somehow were subjected to the problems you two had. Is she just being negative, or is there truth to what she says? It seems to me she's serious about this break up. Again, I think you need to concentrate on your relationships with your children and step away from things with your ex for a good while. You just don't have any control over her emotions and actions at this point, and anything you do to try to influence them will almost surely make things worse. I would let time and the Universe do it's work, and let God handle what you can't right now. Again, focus on your kids.
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My friend is a stalker!
Scout replied to rosstheboss's topic in Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend Relationships
Gosh, Ross...I don't see any other way you could bring it up than directly. Also, encourage him to talk about his feelings. He may feel that, as a guy, he can't show he's hurting to his friends, but he really needs an outlet right now. Otherwise, well...he could really crack up. -
Again, I think you should concentrate on building solid relationships with your children, as for years now, this toxic relationship has consumed much of your attention and energy.
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It's one thing to get suddenly extra busy for a little bit, and temporarily not able to be in contact as often. It's a completely different thing to not even have the gracious manners to acknowledge a birthday of someone you recently went out with on four or five dates. Maybe she's playing games, maybe she's not, but either way, she sounds like a....well, I won't go there. I hope you won't bother to answer her email back. She flat out was rude to blow off your birthday like that. I mean, that is harsh. You know the saying, "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me..." well, if you respond to her email, you're being a chump.
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Agreed. I just meant he should subsist from trying to get back together with her. Should have clarified myself better. But yeah, I don't see how he can be a father to his son if he's not in contact at all with his son's mom.
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I really, really hope it will, but unfortunately, there are so many people that refuse to admit they're not nice, they're just passive. Jesus could come down from the sky and tell them this, but they would still insist they are nice guys and girls just like jerks. In fact, I would bet there are more "Nice Guy" threads on eNotalone than any other type. However, this one is a rarity: by someone who realized he had incorrectly assigned himself this label. It was a refreshing read.
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Gosh, houdini, I hope you really do use NC for this. Because I went back over your other threads, and hon...it seems you've got a lot on your own plate to sort out. Not just this past relationship. For example, your children. The two daughters you left to be with Norma, and of course, now your son with Norma. I hope that you can deal with your issues constructively, because these kids will need a father they can depend on. From what your ex wrote in the letter, it appears all the children have gone through a great deal in the past several years because of this toxic relationship.
