zocrates
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Posts
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Thanks for understanding. Yeah it kinda sucks now and it's going to take some getting used to but I really don't see any other decision that I could have made that made sense for my or even our future. She obviously didn't see it that way but millions of people relocate to be with their spouses all the time, espcially if the couple met in college. Who relocates with who depends on which situation makes best financial sense most of the time, and in this situation, I think it made more sense to move to NJ. She never gave any reasons why I shoudl stay...only that she didn't want to leave because of what her family would think if she left. Keep in mind here that while she doesn't want to move away from her family, who is to say that I didn't want to be away from my family in NJ either? I spent 5 years away from them while I was in school while she has never been away from them for any extended period of time. It's not even a case of her choosing her family over me or anything like that. People move away from their family all the time that still love their family just as much as they did when they were there. But when it comes to a relationship, proximity is a necessity, at least over a certain time period. Family doesn't stop being family when you move away. It kinda hurts to come here and hear that I'm a jerk and she's better off without me when the situation dictatated my actions. I did what anyone rational person would have done.
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Again, when you say "follow a man for his job" it makes it sound like I'm turning down a decent job for a better one...but this was the only job I could take right now outside of retail. Is that the avenue that I should have taken? Stay and work retail out of college? Or are you seriously saying that I made the right decision by taking the job and breaking up with her? Because I've been getting that I made that wrong decision so far.
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We're obviously not on the same page at all. Given that I had no job offer in VA...but I had a very good job offer in NJ, what would you have me do in that situation?
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Saying I chose her over money isn't entirely accurate at all. A case like that would be turning down a job where I earned enough for us to live reasonably for a high-paying job off in another state. That's not it at all. I took the only job offer I had, and it just happened to be in another state. What do you do at that point? Especially when she could get a better job if she moved as well? I'm not going to work as a garbage man if I have a better job offer somewhere else. I won't do that for any woman on this planet. And unless she's making enough for the both of you (in which case you wouldn't need to work) I wouldn't expect anyone to do that for their spouse.
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Well like I said earlier, we knew this was coming for a while now, probably 5 months. but I ended it because it's just the fact that she had to think about us being together. Although you all seem to disagree, the only rational way for us to be together would be for her to move up to NJ and she refused to see that (just as some of you here are too). We invested a lot of time in the relationship, but after 5 years, I would expect there to be enough love between us that she could sacrifice moving away from her family (something nearly everyone does at some point in their lives) for us to be together. So it gave me a better look at our relationship and that it kind of hit me that there was obviously something lacking if she couldn't make that decision after 5 months. So I decided it wasn't worth trying to work something out if after 5 years we hadn't established that kind of love yet.
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We have already established that she could take the same job up here in Nj for more money, so that's not an issue. Again, it's not so much that money is a priority far and above anything else in my life, but it's either take this very promising job....or work retail or wait tables somewhere. Why would she want me to do that? I would never ask my partner to turn down a good job to work retail and I would hope no one here would do that either, but I'm being told here that I should have stayed? If that makes me a jerk, then so be it.
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I know it sounds as if my first love is money, but all I can do is do my best to reassure you that that is far from the case. I just realize that love without money is pretty damn hard, so I want to make sure I'm in a position to provide for my family and I take every opportunity to do so. Too many marriages end in divorce for this very reason. I'm not going to get so caught up in love that I forget what I need to do to make sure we make it in the future. Again, I think the key word here is "future". And again, we're not talking about a situation where I turned down a "moderate" job for a "better" one....my ONLY feasible option was to move up to NJ and take the job with my family. Maybe I didn't make that clear enough to you all which is why I'm appearing like a money-grubbing a-hole. But I took the only job that was basically offered to me. Given that this was my only option, and that she could relocate up here and get a better job, please explain how I was wrong in asking her to move up here so we could stay together?
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As I've said before, we've known about this move for at LEAST the past 5 months. I think that's more than enough time to realize what direction we need to move in. I don't think it's selfish at all actually. Some people woudl say that she is selfish for wanting me to stay down there at the expense of being with my family and working a good job. Am I right?
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Of course, ideally, I would have preferred to stay in VA. In fact, I stayed up many a night job hunting for anything remotely close to a job I wouldn't drive myself nuts doing. She basically didn't want to "uproot" herself even if that meant creating a better future for her and myself. Yes, she would be taking a big step in her eyes, but you have to wake up at some point and realize that temporary sacrifices like this are necessary sometimes in order to get the things you want in the future. Right now, it might stink to move away from everything you know, but like I said earlier, I think that's very short-sighted and doesn't take into account where you want your life to be 5 to 10 years from now. I suppose that was just another deciding factor is that I want more out of my life than she did. I want to be able to send my kids to the best schools. I want to be able to take nice vacations...on my OWN time and not on the time that my job has set aside. Working as a VP of a family-owned company would allow us to do those things. It's a catch 22 really, you can't have a good relationship without a good woman but if the finances aren't there, your relationship will suffer. Which is why I think it would make sense for her to move where we can both be together and get our finances where we need tehm to be at least for the meantime.
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Money right now is very important given that I'm still depending on my parents here and there since I'm just coming out of school, so financial independence is my #1 priority. This job gives that to me in a way I would never get by staying down in VA. One of her reasons is that she is afraid of what people will think of her if she "follows me" up to NJ as if no woman has ever (for a legitimate reason) relocated to be with a man. Besides that, she's grown now and I think at some point you have to do what's best for yourself and not what other people thin kis best for you.
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First of all, thanks for the reply. I think this way of seeing things is short-sighted though. I think at some point you're going to have to realize that you need to take a hold of a good situation at the expense of what you're used to. Sacrificing a great financial situation just so you can stay closer to your family and what you're used to just doesn't make too much sense to me. At some point, we would have been financially able to move wherever we wanted, but given that my job will set me up for that, it would make no sense for me to stay in Virginia, take a job with more stress and far less pay would not serve either of us well. I'm one that's completely against backing yourself into a financial corner because relationships crumble when finances aren't where they should be. So the #1 priority with me is making sure that we are able to provide for ourselves and each other, and that opportunity exists in NJ, not VA.
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Thanks for the reply, I just realized the title should read "DIDN'T want to take advantage..." I really want to get some female opinions because most guys I know would definitely agree with my situation.
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I want to get to try to get to the meat of the issue in the fewest words so here I go... My (now ex) girlfriend has had a job since she graduated in Norfolk, VA (where she grew up) which is where we've been ever since we started dating 5 years ago. but I recently graduated from ODU and moved back home to South Jersey to take a very promising position as the Vice President of IT for my father's Real Estate Development company. Basically I have 3 other siblings who have worked in the company for the past 7 years who were able to build their own houses for themselves in the past year. On top of my own situation, she could fairly easily get a job up here making significantly more than she would in Virginia. So...knowing that the only thing that makes sense financially is to take our show up to NJ, why would she reject or even have to think about such a move? After being with her for 5 years, I would figure we had built a strong enough relationship that a situation like that wouldn't be as hard a decision as she's made it. She had known that I was moving up here for the past 5 months at least and she still said she's not sure if she wants to move. So I ended the relationship on tuesday because there's no way I want to be with someone who doesn't realize a good situation what it's staring them in the face. My question to you all is am I wrong for ending the relationship? And am I wrong for thinking that her moving up to NJ with me is the only logical step we could take to stay together?