Scout

Well, you certainly write lucidly and with detail, so I don't think your mind is an empty container at all. You can actually take classes, you know, that develop your conversational skills. Have you heard of Toastmasters? Their probably one of the most well-known programs of this sort. Try it out, and if you feel silly doing it, remember two things: 1) no one you know has to actually know you're taking the class and 2) you will meet other people just like you in these classes, people that are intelligent & interesting enough that they want to relate well with other people, and are taking the time and effort to learn how to do so.

Thanks for the feedback...but I still don't have a clue as to what to do. I'm leaning more towards just going...because part of me thinks, we had a closeness, and I should learn how to somehow keep relationships instead of burning bridges. On the other hand, I know that a friendship with him is likely to open me up to being let down again. We broke up because he cancelled plans with me and preferred to do "fun" things with his friends. Why would he treat me any better if we're not even dating? Plus, I simply don't know if I want to be friends with him. Oh, why does life have to still be so confusing even at the age of 34 (soon to be 35, AcK). The easy thing would be if some fantastic guy had come along in the last month, and than I would be much less worried about any of this. But of course, that didn't happen! Don't know what to do...

Ok, the ex initiated contact on day 8...with a very short email asking if I wanted him to "bring my stuff by or ship it". And that was it! I waited a week before I replied, and my email was pretty good (I think)...just said thanks for the reminder, I forgot my stuff was there, could we make arrangements to give each other our things back the next week, because I was busy for the rest of the current week. Didn't hear anything back from him. Than I emailed him a few days later an article that was related to something pertinent to him...I know, I shouldn't have even done that...but he emailed back, and than suggested we get together at a dog park because he was dog-sitting for a friend, and I have a dog, too. So that sort of triggered a couple of friendly emails on both our sides, and...I ended up calling him. He said it was good to hear my voice, and that he hadn't called because he figured I needed some time. He was very cheery and upbeat on the call, and made a casual remark to the effect that he'd like to be friends, and in general, made it sound like he had no interest in us getting back together. I didn't ask him, but his subtle comments were, well, not so subtle that for him, it was over for us. However, he seems to really want to get together and tomorrow is the day we had decided on. Here's how I really feel about him: considerable anger at how he let the relationship die. I feel like I was a good girlfriend for him - and he didn't appreciate it. I'm not sure he even deserves to have me as a friend. I am uncomfortable about seeing him tomorrow, and am not sure if it's the right thing to do. In all honesty, yes, I want him to want me back. But he seems relieved it's over. And that really pisses me off, to tell you the truth. I am scared that I will show that I'm feeling that way tomorrow. It's been 19 days since we've seen each other. I feel like he wants this meeting so that he can reassure himself that I'm fine with everything, and he won't have to feel like the *bleep* that he is. The advice I need is feedback on whether I should cancel the meeting or not, and if so, what I should say. My pride is all I've got left, and I am determined not to let that go, too. Thanks to anyone who takes the time to give their opinion, it is truly appreciated - and needed! This site has been a God-send to me.

Keep doing what you're doing, whether you want to get back with her or not. Everything you are doing seems to be healing you, and making her realize her loss. You mentioned her new boyfriend is going to visit her for the next three weekends - I would definitely keep myself as the calm, unruffled one here, it's only going to compare you that much more favorably against him. I guarantee she is talking about you to him, and that's going to get under his skin. Even if you don't get back together with her, you are walking away with your pride & dignity intact, and that helps the healing process to happen much more quickly. Just keep giving it time...minimal if any contact...that's what I've been doing and today I got an email from the ex suggesting we meet with our dogs at the dog park sometime.

No offense, but I strongly urge you don't write that. From what you've indicated, your pride has been bruised many times with this girl. I think the letter I suggested will save your pride and put her in her place. The whole "I still feel so strongly for you" angle is just leaving a door open for her to contact you again when she feels in need of an ego boost, and you absolutely do not need that in your life anymore. Keep it short, cordial, and firm in that she needs to look to her current relationships for emotional support as that is the appropriate thing to do.

My problem is the opposite - after 8 days of no contact, the ex sent me a brief email simply asking if I wanted him to bring my stuff by or "ship" it. I mean, how cold can you get? I didn't respond. But I actually do want my stuff back, and I have some of his things too. In actuality, I'm scared to talk to him and see him face to face. I've done so well in not contacting him, and keeping my dignity, but I'm afraid if I actually talk to him I'm going to completely lose my composure and let him see that he hurt me. And the last thing I want his is pity.

Meeting someone new is certainly a sure-fire way to lessen the thoughts of the ex. I don't think you're gonna meet them if you're not looking, though. You have to get out there and look - it's a numbers game. The downside is that the odds are you're gonna kiss a few (or a lot) of frogs before you find your prince, but you'll find him that much faster the sooner you start looking. One thing I've been doing to get over my ex is to picture him in an unattractive pose in my mind as soon as I think of him. I don't know if its working, I still think about him a lot, but my eyes have stayed pretty dry, too! It is irritating to think that they can let so much time go by without contacting you, but down the road, you'll be absolutely fine with that. It does take time. There are billions of people out there - if your ex "found" you, why someone else will, too.

You're the first man that's ever realized how ludicrous the statement is that "you have to be a jerk to get the ladies". As a female with a somewhat healthy self-esteem, I loathe jerks - be they male or female. And whenever some guy says that, it just comes accross as a whiny cop-out. So, bravo to you for recognizing it's rubbish!

This is a sad time for you, and I truly feel your pain. However, I think that this relationship was a toxic one for you and its best to close that chapter of your life now. Believe me, if you are everything that she describes in that letter, you have the potential for a rich and happy life ahead of you. Especially without the baggage of a rollercoaster relationship that has a shaky foundation, at best. I agree that it's clear she doesn't wish to get back into a relationship with you, and you should accept this as a true gift - she has set you free, and you will look back and be grateful for that, as impossible as it seems now. I personally don't think there would be a problem in replying to her email, but I would keep it short, gracious, and to the point: that you are ready to move forward without her now, and she will need to realize that although you wish the best for her, it is not appropriate anymore for her to look to you for a support system. She needs to learn to find that in her current relationship, as that is the appropriate place. And than sayonara, baby! Well, you probably shouldn't sign off exactly like that...but you get my point. Best of luck - you're gonna be fine!

Sounds like a half-assed attempt at reconcilation to me. Come on, proposing by showing up at your job - with a toy ring? It may have sentimental value, but when the time comes to really propose, there should be a real ring. And hopefully in a much more romantic setting. Pushing buttons, inner turmoil - that is not a connection you want to renew again, trust me. Good for you for meeting someone that is different and treats you with respect and maturity.

Actually, I think you did the very polite thing by calling her back - you had ignored her previous messages, and only called back when she resorted to leaving a misleadingly dramatic message on your machine, so she's the one that should feel she made a big mistake. Reminds me of the story of the little boy who cried wolf...well, she just screwed herself, because next time she calls and if she happens to have a real problem, than too bad...she blew her support system from you. Don't feel bad at ALL about calling her back...I know you're disappointed, but aren't you also a tiny bit relieved knowing you're not back on the rollercoaster with her? As for your depression, if you aren't seeing a therapist, you should consider doing so. Or even your physician - maybe he/she can prescribe you a light anti-depressant to help you get back on track. This is just a band-aid, but it can go a long way in helping you deal with the inner turmoil you're experiencing. Chin up - you're a decent person with normal compassion towards anyone that calls sounding like they're in extreme pain. SHE'S the schmuck.

I don't know, if a guy tells me "I'm sorry for causing you pain" it usually makes me grit my teeth and want to smack him. In my agitated state, I take that to mean they know they had power over me and made me feel like sh$%. There's one thing I noticed missing from your letter - you haven't told her how much you miss her. I really think that's one of the main things she's going to need to hear from you. As for your work schedule, if you tell her in clear terms in your letter what your work schedule is going to be over the next month - and telling her you want nothing more than to spend any of your available hours with her - I think that might soften the news a bit. I know it seems like you're having to really bend over backwards for her, but frankly, it's what's in order at this point. As for not knowing how to express your feelings: try and learn how, quick. No healthy woman wants to be with a man who keeps everything in and her in the dark.

Oh, for a suave French man to stroll into my life, if only for a moment...but, I never seem to meet them here in the States. Actually, I did have a date today, but unfortunately the chemistry I had with him would be about the same if he was a roof shingle. Well at least I got some practice in...tomorrow I'm going to a knitting circle to learn how to, obviously, knit. Oh, God - I'm starting to get matronly, for f$@k's sake. Short of walking into a bar and announcing my new availability, I'm not sure how to meet the dynamic, incredibly sexy man I am so in need of meeting right now to get my mind off the X. Suggestions? Hilarity, sarcasm, and even actually helpful advice are all welcome.

Dear Gee Cee - I have been following your threads with fascination - thank you for your delightful sense of humor, your frank candor, and in general, your generous and well-written thoughts on this sometimes wonderful, sometimes evil, thing we called love. While I haven't suffered to the extent that you did in my latest break-up, it certainly brought up all my emotions from previous break-ups to the surface, and reading your posts and the responses from the likewise kind & wise souls out there was like getting $10,000 worth of therapy! You are all truly delightful people and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to reach out and be there for each other. I look forward to reading what the rest of 2004 brings to us all. - Scout

I don't have any real advice to give, because to tell you the truth, I couldn't be involved in a complicated situation like this, it would cause me way too many negative feelings: jealousy, insecurity, frustration...and that would drive me nuts. I feel for you, Rich!

Definitely don't wait two more weeks before you send the flowers! By then she will have talked herself into thinking you weren't the right guy for her. Of course, after sending the flowers, it might take you a couple of more weeks to get her to believe you sincerely care about her, but that's good: you can use that time period to prove it to her. I also strongly suggest that you encourage her to communicate her needs to you as much as possible, and do the same in return. Best of luck, if you handle this well, you two stand an excellent chance of working out!

Really, really appreciate what you had to say. I needed to hear this, what he was saying was making me feel that I was asking for too much, when the truth is he should have appreciated that I admired his interests and thought they were fun enough to learn. And like one of you said, that was just as much for myself, as it was for him. What I've learned from this relationship is a real turning point for me: losing my temper doesn't get me what I want, and only makes me lose my dignity. This is one of the first times I'm walking away from a relationship with my dignity intact! I cannot underestimate what a difference that makes in healing because all you have to get over is your disappointment at how the other person turned out. In the past, I would have also been cringing at the thought of how I let them see me come totally unglued. Now, to somehow drum up the enthusiasm to get back in the dating game...nothing helps to get you over a relationship like meeting a fabulous new person, however, it isn't that easy to meet one! Guess I gotta get out there and circulate...

I couldn't tell from your post if you are just having difficulties talking to your mother about this one problem, or in general. Either way, why not spend some more time with your mother just doing things together. And than when you two are getting along, maybe you could tactfully bring up this subject and try to have a talk about it when you're not both emotionally charged over it.

Thanks for the encouragement, I really appreciate it. What you're saying is exactly what I feel inside - if a person is really into the relationship, they should be thrilled that their partner wants to share their favorite activities. Probably the reason why I'm taking it rather hard is because for the last four years, I really haven't had any kind of relationship other than casual dating. I was beginning to think there was something wrong with me, and than I met this guy who seemed genuinely interested in a meaningful relationship. It seemed like things were moving in a really positive direction for us, but the pattern I was seeing regarding his free time finally got too big to ignore. I'm dreading getting back on the dating cycle again, but maybe I'll be able to approach it from a different angle this time. This is the first time that I've really listened to my gut instinct and ended something even though I loved the person, and I'm hoping it has saved me from real, long-term heart-ache. But right now, I feel like sh#$. It's raining outside, the weekend is here, and I'm alone - again. I do realize I need to make a real change as to the types of guys I'm attracted to - I always like the fun-loving, independent types, and that's gotten me exactly no where. Plus, I'm going to be 35 in two weeks, and even though I don't really have a biological clock ticking somewhere, I can't help but feel that there's something wrong with me that I'm still not married by now. I definitely want to marry the right person, but I can't seem to meet the right person. I guess there's just a little work I still have to do on myself before that time can come, but I'm not the world's most patient person and I'm starting to lose hope. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself right now, not sure. But thanks again for your kind words, you're really right on target with what you said.

I found this site surfing the Internet, and I am really impressed with the wisdom and feedback that is so generously given out to other despondent posters. So, here's my story, and I'd appreciate any input on my "strategy". My boyfriend of two months and I broke up a little over a week ago. When we started dating, everything was perfect. We talked on the phone daily, saw each other quite a bit, and he was very attentive, warm, and loving - even to my dogs! Needless to say, I really, really liked him. Eventually, we even told each other that we loved each other. However, I started to notice a pattern in our dating. He would stay over on the weeknights quite a bit, and at the same time, had a guy's night out a few times a week, too. So the nights he stayed with me, he would always be very tired from going out the night before. We'd have dinner, watch a little TV, than he'd want to go to bed by 9 or so. I can't go to bed that early; he was fine with that. So, the routine started to get a bit dull, but I wouldn't have minded if on the weekends we made up for it by doing fun things together. But, on the weekends, he wanted to go snowboarding with his buddies - and would never invite me. Occasionally we'd do something on a weekend night, but not often. I told him I really wanted to improve my snowboarding skills, but he said he didn't have the patience to teach a new person. This is the same thing he said about golf - another passion of his, that he flat out told me he liked playing only with his buddies. A couple of times he even canceled weekend plans we had to go boarding with his friends, instead. I got very irritated the last time he did so, and told him that our relationship was getting very boring. He said I was too dependent on him and needed to have more interests of my own, and that we should "slow down". Well, the conversation quickly deteriorated from there, and we broke up. I was so mad. Later that night I left an angry message on his voicemail, followed that up with an email the next day apologizing for my message, but that I'd realized that there was no point to my anger because it didn't seem like he wanted to share his interests with me, thereforeeee, no point in a relationship. Heard NOTHING back from him until over a week later - yesterday - I get an email from him asking if I want him to bring my stuff over or mail it!! I didn't respond yet, because I'm too emotionally charged about this situation still not to rip into him. I feel like I was let down - again - by someone who promised to be different than the others, but turned out to be just as selfish after all. I do agree that couples should have their own interests, and I do have interests of my own - but isn't it NORMAL AND HEALTHY for couples to share similar interests, too? I mean, snowboarding and golf are his passions and I am truly interested in taking them up, too, but he has shut me out of this. I feel that this is an indication that he doesn't want to give too much of himself - one comment he made about marriage once has stuck in my head - he said that he believes firmly married couples should take at least one separate vacation a year. As this is the only remark he's ever made about marriage, it's stayed in my head. And it seems to tie in with his current behavior. Despite my anger about all of the above, I miss him - when we were together we talked several times a day, and usually saw each other about every other day, too. He was actually a very affectionate and sweet guy. My question is, should I respond to his email? I think it was very cold, and mean of him to not even respond to my initial email when I poured my heart out. I'm wondering if he is just trying to make some kind of contact, but not going about it the right way? My instinct is telling me to not respond, no matter how much it kills me - because if there is the slightest chance of us getting back together, it will only be because for once I don't act on my emotions. I know that I won't get back together with him unless he agrees we need to do more things together, and share some of our interests. This is obviously a very independent guy here, and I know that if I proceed as I normally would - shouting, insistence, etc. - I'm going to get nowhere. Thoughts? Thanks for reading through this!