Scout

Hmmm...consistent money and benefits. As opposed to making LOTS of money and affording a great health plan? I honestly think you can achieve the latter if you put 110% of yourself in your business. But it's a risk, and you can't over-analyze it and think it to death - you have to just go out there and DO it. Trust me, you blitz enough people about your services, you're going to create some momentum that is bound to pay off.

Ask yourself this: "If I wasn't afraid, what would I do?" Usually, some very logical things will come to mind about how you can deal with a situation, in this case strike up a friendly conversation with someone you don't know, but that looks nice. Once you know what it is you would do, examine why you're afraid to do it - usually, it's because we're afraid we'll get shot down by the other person. Well, guess what...usually, you WON'T get shot down, unless the person is very rude and has no manners, in which case you would not sink to their level but just very graciously leave the conversation and move on to someone with a better attitude.

Just need some clarification here...did she say she'd get back with you if you quit smoking and kept a job? I know the smoking part is going to be the hardest! I smoke, wish I didn't, and know how hard it is to quit. I quit for a year and a half, than started again two weeks before the holidays last year. Now, I'm addicted all over again. I wish non-smokers could understand how really hard it is to quit, and how nagging us makes us want a cigarette even more. On the other hand, I know that it's a dangerous, terrible habit that will give us cancer, emphesema, or some other smoking-related illness after we've smoked long enough. And the people in our lives who don't smoke are really frustrated that we continue with this deadly habit. Rich, I also know what you're going through about the financial situation. But - have you given yourself proper credit for starting your own business to begin with? Most people never, ever take that risk, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for doing so. And did you know that most successful business people have had failures and set-backs before their ventures took off? Right now, I think you should be putting more energy into your professional life, because it's obvious that you're not happy with that aspect of your life, it's causing you some insecurities and doubts that you could really do without. I would put that on the front burner for now, and sort of put your ex in the back on "simmer". Does that make sense? The reason I suggest this is because in reading over your past posts, you were devastated when your business took an unexpected turn, and it sort of became a catalyst for several things that started to go wrong for you. Your career, how you make money, whatever you want to call it - this is an area of your life that you are disatisfied with, and I think if you did some work on it, it would make a difference in how you perceive so many other things in your life. Basically what I'm saying is, put yourself first for the next few weeks, and get some control back in this aspect of your life.

She does place more emphasis on looks in the article, but than, so do the people she's writing about. I think she just kept noticing how her male friends would always zoom in right away on the hottest girls in the room, so finally gave them some much needed harsh advice! The reality is, too many of us place emphasis on looks and think, if we get the hot guy or girl, than that will "up" our own status.

Sort of an obvious answer to this question, when you consider how our society is consumed with good looks. Any "disadvantage" to being goodlooking is far outweighed by the positives. Other than being pestered constantly by the opposite sex, the only disadvantage I can think of is relying only on your looks to attract other people, and not developing yourself to become as beautiful inside as you are outside is a bad idea because looks eventually fade.

Well, it's not just looks that make someone out of our league...for example, let's say you're a really attractive woman, but that's about all you have going for you...you meet an "average" looking guy, but he's also extremely smart, very witty, has a most interesting life, and a great career...well, if all you are is pretty, but not much of a conversationalist and no hobbies, etc...than I think this guy would be out of your league. So, looks aren't the only factor in this equation of dating "up" or dating "down". Although it does seem to be one of the main factors, because like this columnist, I see too many guys swarming around the gorgeous women, even though they themselves are trolls! In fact, it's often the least desirable guys that most persistently badger these women. [/i]

Excuse me, but it takes two people to sleep together...and if you're nabbing five phone numbers a day and also sleeping with some of these girls within hours of meeting them, I think the term "sloppy seconds" can apply to you as well. Plus, you're a heavy drug user...exactly what do you have to offer that would make the girl of your dreams want you? Harsh words, yes, but please snap back to reality here...and if you want something so badly, you're going to have do some work here to make yourself desirable and worthy for the kind of girl you want. She's not just going to fall from the sky because you want someone like this. And you know why? Because that kind of girl is probably with a guy who doesn't try and get as many phone numbers as he can in a day, sitting around doing copius amount of drugs.

Hi people...came accross this great column the other day, and I am pasting it below...it's about men/women's unrealistic expectations in the dating world, and offers a few explanations on maybe why some of us aren't getting a date - ever. Getting real in dating's fantasy land By Cindy Rodriguez Denver Post Columnist Tuesday, May 25, 2004 - He stares accross the room, past the slightly chunky women, at the sexy babe leaning against the bar, and says to me, "Now, that's my kind of woman." She's slim, with long black hair, pouty lips, an angelic face, and probably 25. He's skinny with a beer gut, wearing Levi's that sag from his nonexistent butt, and is pushing 40. Years ago, I would have encouraged him to talk to her - not that I thought he'd stand a chance at a bar where looks trump achievement. Back then, I was being supportive, the way I thought friends ought to be. It took a while, but I came to realize I've been an accomplice to his fantasies. So that night, I put my hand on my friend's shoulder and blurted what he needed to hear: "Yes, she's your type. But you're probably not hers." Tough words, but ones I hoped would snap him back to the real world, the place where he might actually find a girlfriend. Something has to shake him out of fantasy land, a place where lonely people hold out for a superficial ideal. When it comes to dating, there are no rules. Educated women sometimes wind up with high school dropouts. Gorgeous, young women marry wrinkly men twice their age. Usually, though, among the oddest of couples, there's an equalizing factor: He's old but accomplished and charming, or she's dimwitted but creative, warm and sensual. These couples meet at work or through friends, where they get to know each other over time. At clubs and bars, it's another story. And this is where, time and again, I roll my eyes when I witness men and women going after someone who's clearly in another sphere. It's like what a beautiful woman, who is in her early 30s, told me the other day after an overweight, middle-aged, balding man tried to chat her up at the Cruise Room the other night: "Do I look like I like ugly old men?" Maybe people are wired to want someone who is smarter, sexier, funnier than us. But this notion of holding out to capture someone who is five notches above is for fools. It's exacerbated by the mass media, because fantasy sells. For women, it's pathetic movies such as "The Prince & Me," or that weepy J. Lo blockbuster "Maid in Manhattan." For men it's "get the goddess" stories that are perennial favorites of men's magazines. This month's Maxim magazine offers dweebs everywhere this piece of fiction: "Out of Your League and in the Bag." Sub-headline: "Think an average guy like you doesn't have a chance with the hottest girl in the room? Think again." The article says, when you approach your dream girl, "Ask her questions and get her talking about herself - that kind of intimacy can easily lead to the other kind." Among their tips: "Don't take no for an answer - at least not at first, anyway." Because of this article, some guy right now is harassing a woman, thinking persistence will pay off. Then there's the recently released book "Updating! How to Get a Man or Woman Who Once Seemed Out of Your League," by British author Leil Lowndes. It offers tips on how to date people who are wealthier, better-looking, smarter - basically better - than you. Anyone who buys into the concept already suffers from feelings of unworthiness. If you acknowledge that you want someone who is a few notches above you, then you suffer from low self-esteem or delusion. Yet in a consumer-oriented society, where people believe they can buy, trade or finance whatever they want, pop culture is helping to create a dating culture built on similar principles: Get what's out of reach by pretending to be someone else. Among the tips in "Updating!": "Act royal around the clock. Make the qualities you gain to capture a superior mate part of your everyday life, not just when you are hunting. Fake it till you make it." Whatever happened to finding your inner self and being you? Apparently enough people are buying into this. The book is selling swiftly, and Lowndes is making the TV talk-show rounds. Let's just admit this up front: A book on dating down won't sell. Thank goodness not everyone buys into this. Imagine what would happen if everyone decided to date up? Would anyone date? Would we continue to fantasize about the ideal mate, becoming frustrated and jaded as the years roll by? I have a solution: Date sideways. Find someone who is real, who makes you laugh and who - this is the most important part - wants you, too. Cindy Rodríguez's column appears Tuesdays and Thursdays in Scene. Contact her at 303-820-1211 or email removed .

Hmmm...if my boyfriend went to a movie with an ex, without inviting me and doing so even though he knew it would really upset me...yeah, I'd break up with him. But don't worry, most people don't do mean things like that to their partners, so you'll find a much better girlfriend. And hopefully, your current one will learn that thoughtless, disrespectful treatment of her boyfriends has consequences!

Thanks, you gave great details, and outlined the situation with perfect clarity for me to understand. In fact, if you rewrite what you just wrote word for word but in a way that it looks like you were writing to yourself in a journal or something, than print it off and give it to him, I think he will at least have a real understanding of what you're feeling right now. I mean, you worded this beautifully, admitted there was some spontaneity on both your parts that resulted in this unexpected HUGE event: a marriage! - and have outlined how you've felt since then. I think he should read this, I really do. And than see what he says. If he's everything you say he is, my gut feeling is that he will agree this marriage is not working, at least not at this time, and that it's best for you to go. If he doesn't understand at all, I'm afraid there is not much you can do to convince him. He's going to be hurt either way, but your honesty in your post has a lot of truly flattering things to say about him, so its not like he is this unlikeable person who won't be able to find a more appropriate partner. Good luck - keep us posted.

Yes, since you've already told her this camping trip is going to be a sort of low-key, no pressure thing, you should wait until its over before you ask her again. My advice anyway. I asked my ex what he felt about us after the trip was over - a couple of days afterward - and he said "we're better as friends." I couldn't believe it...after the great weekend we had. I really have come to the conclusion there is something fundamentally wrong with him, though. He has a paralyzing fear of growing up, and doing the work required for just about anything that doesn't involve partying with his friends. Anyway, enjoy the camping trip...things may turn out better for you than they did for me, and at any rate, you will probably have a terrific time camping! Just don't bring the heavy stuff on until it's over or like you said, might be a short trip.

I'm just curious...after four months, do you have any set timeline on when she has to absolutely make a decision by? And stick with?

We're going to need more details here. What are the issues? How long have you been married? Is there someone else?

Well since you ask, actually I WAS in the woods with my ex - we went camping weekend before last. It was great...we had a really fun time, laughing, hiking, cooking over the campfire, snuggling, he was very tender and sweet - and went right back to his same old behavior when we got back. Going out night after night without inviting me, saying he didn't think we'd work out in a relationship, blah blah blah. So I told him no more, I was done. And haven't talked to him since. Do I feel great? No, but I don't feel bad either. The situation is obvious, he can't commit, and I am ready for a commitment with someone who is emotionally available and will put me first. So, rather than continue to waste even more time on this dead end, I'm moving on. I put a fair amount of effort into reviving whatever it was we had, maybe more effort than it deserved, so I can't say I didn't try. But am I going to relentlessly badger him into something he doesn't really want? Um, no. At this point, I'd like to keep some dignity, trust and good will to take with me into my next relationship.

And DON'T let her be best friends with you still once you do have someone else. Or your new relationship will suffer and your new gal will be uncomfortable with you being best friends with someone you had such an intense love affair with. Trust me on this. Gosh, your ex really wants to have her cake and eat it too, doesn't she?

Is it that you like the guy so much, or do you just feel really rejected? What did you think was going to happen when a guy tells you immediately there is no chance for a relationship? He played square with you, and I think you handled everything very well, with a minor lapse here and there. Just next time a guy says that right off the bat, don't sleep with him if you think you're going to want more from him. Think of this as a lesson learned...you're ultimately not comfortable with casual flings. And you can't change another person's feelings if they state right away where things stand. You'll be ok...your ego just took a little hit, that's all. Try to do some things for yourself to boost it back up...get a wild, fun new hairstyle, do something you've never done before, like take dance lessons, or learn how to play an instrument or...anything you've never done before. Put the focus back on yourself, not on this guy.

That was beautifully said. Best of luck, Twizod...I know this is a difficult time for you. We're here for you, even if I might lose track of your original post from time to time.

Rich, basically that's what this forum is for - to ask questions, and based on the information the asker gives, we answer with the conclusions we've drawn. In your case, there has been a LOT of information. I actually went back to your original post from several months back, and read through everything. Wow. People were telling you similiar things even then. Have you re-read any of this stuff lately? I'd suggest it. There was one post in particular from Mar that was dead-on. As also has been said, you have analyzed this to the nth degree. There have been many times where she was on the verge, supposedly, of making a decision...and than didn't (directly, anyway). Maybe this weekend will be the ultimate deciding factor. I seriously doubt it. And than you'll be back on the merry-go-round of indecision...passive behavior....mixed messages....all over again. Perhaps this is something you're comfortable with, and you don't really need our advice or feedback, but just like to talk about it. That's fine. But you've also closed with several of your posts asking if any of us have something to say. I don't have anything else to say about this situation. You seem like a likeable, bright person in many ways, but I absolutely can't relate at all to why you would stay in such an unrewarding situation. So maybe people that can understand should be answering your posts, not me. Good luck, whatever the outcome may be...if there is any clearly defined outcome, that is.

Sounds like a no-win situation here, then. I know lots of people who have extremely close family ties and would never live too far from them, so I don't really think this is an abnormal situation. And you're obviously letting her know there is no way you'd go, thus she hasn't asked. Her only other choice is to stay with you, and live far from her family. I'm sure she loves you, but she obviously has stronger ties to her family. You may have to accept this is over, I don't see what power you have in changing the situation. Maybe other posters have some suggestions.

Did she ask you to move with them? And would you if she did?

Rich, I don't want you to think we're ganging up on you here...well, we sort of are, but's it out of concern, I promise - but I think you missed Gee Cee's point. You say people don't know what they want until they know...but what Gee Cee said, and I relate to because I've done it myself, is that she's not saying directly she doesn't want you anymore, but is saying it in so many ways indirectly. I did not realize her son calls you Dad. And she is ok with this, even though she doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with you? And you're ok with this??

Rich, a few comments... First, women don't find emotionally unavailable men attractive. At least I don't. And I don't think women like Gee Cee, or many of the other bright, caring women on this Forum, or my friends, my sister, my mother, etc. go for emotionally unavailable men....you get the idea...only very young girls who haven't developed their own sense of self-esteem yet or women who never developed a good sense of self-esteem go for the unavailable guys. Second, you admit you like to "long". Ok, but step out of yourself for a minute, and think about your ex and her son. Your longing is prolonging an uncomfortable situation for both of them. For their sake, walk away. Let her go on with her life. Let her son go too...it's not fair for him to have this nebulous figure around that has a fuzzy, at best, role in his life and his mother's life. Third, please use your incredible intelligence and insightfulness (rare gifts) towards finding a healthy relationship. If you have to go to therapy to learn how to do this, schedule an appointment ASAP. You have too much going for you - and a lot of love to give - to continue in such defeating patterns. Really, I'm getting a little impatient with you. Now hop to it! Let GO, misery and longing are learned behaviors, not addictions.

Actually...I want to amend a little bit of what I said. Rich, please stop following your heart and follow your brain instead, which is very sharp, intuitive, and articulating loud and clear to you what to do about this situation. Honestly, I really feel that it's clear this woman is struggling with guilt over your feelings for her...I think she's trying to talk herself into something that she just doesn't want, because she feels guilty over how much you love her. Do you really want to get her back in this way? It won't last for one thing, and her son will have to see you two break up again. This isn't healthy, Rich, for you, her, and her son.

Rich, you make me smile - loved your line "aw hell, I look fantastic!" Attaboy!! Now, I have already told you how I feel about the situation in general, but if you feel you really have a chance with her, than you must follow your heart. But I can't help but wonder - if you took this amazing patience, devotion, and commitment to someone with no ambivilance, an eager desire to find a fruitful partnership with someone, and a great capacity to love back - what a different scenario you would be experiencing right now. It makes me sad when I see men - and women - give so much to themselves to people who are less than enthused about accepting this gift - to the point where when a really ideal partner comes along, they have little if anything left to give. Something for all of us to think about...

Janet, I can only imagine the pain you are going through. If that happened to me, I would be devastated, too. Sadly, it does happen to so many people. I suppose you are feeling particularly rotten about the fact that he left you for another, one who is much younger. I wonder if this young woman knows how much awful karma she has just racked up for herself by participating in this. I am not kidding - I believe in a Universal payback, you just can't do something so terrible to someone without the Universe eventually paying you back. So she and your wayward husband truly have built a large account up at the Payback bank! But that doesn't help you feel any better right now, I know. As hard as it is, the only thing that is going to help you is to get out of the house as much as possible, do things for yourself even if it kills you. Believe it or not, within a few weeks, this new flurry of activity will become sort of a habit, and along the way, you'll have met some interesting people and discovered some new things - maybe some new things about yourself! In fact, it's time for you to get reacquainted with yourself. May I suggest some possibly interesting things you could seek out to do (again, knowing you have no appetite whatsoever for any of this right now, but for the sake of your sanity, try!): 1) It's an election year. Why not get involved with your local political party? Right now they desperately need volunteers to pass out flyers, make calls, organize fund-raisers, etc. 2) Volunteer at your local animal shelter. They also need help, and you might even find a new four-legged friend to help ease the pain of losing your dog! 3) Do something utterly scary and new - go on a backpacking trip with an organized Outdoors group, go sky-diving, or - get a brand new hairstyle and color! remember that commercial...wash that man right out of your hair! 4) Throw a dinner party for your single gal friends 5) Write some letters/make some phone calls to your state's elected officials about issues important to you this election year... 6) Take a road trip one weekend with a good friend. 7) Check out some churches, zen centers, yoga classes - explore your spirituality. 8) See a counselor. If money is an issue, call your local university, they can direct you to programs that have sliding-scale fees depending on your income. Therapy can really help you grasp this healing process thing, trust me. I've been there. Just some ideas. The point is there is a whole, big world out there beyond your husband and his little tart. Throw yourself wholeheartedly into it. Don't block the pain - allow time for yourself each day to grieve, and don't feel ashamed to do it - you're a caring human being and of course this hurts terribly - tell your friends you're gonna need them to help you get through this...and of course, your friends at eNotalone are here, too. But you know what? You will get through this. And as impossible as it sound, you will love and be loved again. I honestly think the majority of men out there would not do something like this to a woman, your husband is the exception. Please try not to let your trust in men be permanently damaged from this, you can see there are many men on eNotalone with an incredible capacity to love, and to fight for their relationships when the going gets rough. And this is just one small sample of all the men out there! You are going to be ok, yes you are. You have some difficult times ahead, but you know what? You're gonna get through them! Again, we're here for you. - Scout