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Scout

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Everything posted by Scout

  1. Scout
    Hi Chicaa - well, if you truly feel you should hold most of the blame for the break-up, than yes, you should give it a shot to get back together...I guess. I'm still uneasy about how he's acting now, though...are you sure the best course wouldn't be to hold off on the trip a bit and wait until you two are a little more at ease with each other...and he's seen you several times without you talking about the relationship & he's let his guard down a bit? You mentioned in your first email he's not acting very nice right now. I don't know if the timing is good right now to ask him to go away on a trip with you. I'm not trying to be negative - I actually believe if something is worth fighting for, than you should go for it...although not indefinitely, it does take work on the other person's part. You said you were an idiot in the relationship...have you thought long and hard about this? Were there things he was doing that made you unhappy, and so in turn, you acted out? Try not to assign all the blame on yourself, without thinking long and hard about this.
  2. Scout
    Rich, this is going to sound harsh but I have been following your posts for some time now, and if I could give you any advice it would be: let go of this one and walk away permanently. She honestly doesn't sound like she's in love with you at all anymore, and she's trying to talk herself into it because you so very clearly love her. I know that hurts to hear, but you've been very detailed in your posts, and I just think this is the most realistic scenario. If a woman truly loves a man who in turn loves her back as much as you love this woman, she would get back together with him! Please, LET GO. This one is done. You did an admirable job of trying to save it & I respect you so much for that. But it is time to throw in the towel, I truly believe this with all my heart. Good luck, my friend.
  3. Scout
    Janet, that is terrible. I am so sorry to hear this has happened to you. Please make use of eNotalone - we're hear to listen and if possible, help. You will find this site is an oasis of support. Bostonchicaa - I don't recommend it. Even if he goes with you it's probably not going to cure anything. My ex and I went on a camping trip last weekend, had a great time, got along wonderfully. The very night we got back he went out with friends without inviting me, and partied again the next night after. These guys aren't going to grow up anytime soon - they are only interested in short-term good times, and will avoid anything that is going to take "work" - like a committed relationship. Let them be someone else's problem, as a wise poster once told me when I was going through a similar situation as you. Think about it - he broke up with you because he wanted to party instead of being with you. How shallow is that? Move on - and find someone with more depth.
  4. Scout
    You're right. You gave me some insightful advice in your posts, thanks. I know I have a tendency to be on the jealous side, though, and I still wonder: what kinds of friendships with the opposite sex are appropriate when you're in a relationship? And how much should you be talking with them about your significant other? It makes me uneasy that someone else's words could make a decisive impact on my relationship. What does everyone think?
  5. Scout
    sorry, Cecelius - not the other way I spelled it.
  6. Scout
    Actually, I'd be more upset if he was looking at porn after we were a long-time established couple, as opposed to just a week into the relationship where the commitment isn't as solid yet.
  7. Scout
    Celius, that's exactly how he felt, and I understood that, but at the same time, I was angered that he refused to budge one inch on this. It was obviously causing me a great deal of stress, and he kind of went out of his way to make me feel worse about it. For example, telling her how I felt, I mean that was such a violation of confidientality I think, going to the very girl I was stressing about and than coming back and telling me she said he shouldn't put up with it. She is very lucky we have not met, because I am very upset about that. Yes, they hang out alone, and do lunch together, too, things like that. If she was older and attractive, I would still feel jealous to an extent, but I would have hidden it and gone to the party. I just feel that he's leading a very irresponsible life in many ways, and hanging out with someone so much younger is a real indicator of his immaturity.
  8. Scout
    Well, when we first argued about it, I said I thought it was strange, and I wondered if he would be paying so much attention to her if she was unattractive. (not having seen her before). He immediately replied that she was "hot". Than he had her picture on his refrigerator (although she was with her boyfriend) and that was the only pic on the fridge. She was dressed very sexy in the picture, a strapless dress...I admit right now I was jealous before either of these details came up, though. It's more that I just had never dated anyone before who hung out on a regular basis with a girl so much younger than him. I didn't like it, and yes I felt threatened. As it turned out, he refused to address that and basically was one of, although not the main, reason we broke up. So I feel like if he really had loved me, he would have tried to understand why I felt it was inappropriate, instead he would just get really angry and defensive.
  9. Scout
    Mandylee, another thing I disagree with is my boyfriend going to another woman asking for advice about our relationship, and worse, what my boyfriend actually did: told her I was jealous of her! I think its very odd to ask the advice of someone who is over a decade younger than both of us are.
  10. Scout
    Thanks for the posts. Regarding the first ones, I did not feel this was a mature girl for several reasons, thus was not comfortable with his friendship with her. Tiger lily, I was very interested in his life, but again, did not feel comfortable going to this girl's party especially after my boyfriend told me her boyfriend thought mine didn't like him. It seemed like there was already some kind of stupid game in place, and I wanted nothing to do with it. But I agree that I probably should have at least scoped the situation out. I'm looking forward to hearing other posts about this situation.
  11. Scout
    Hi - actually, it's my ex boyfriend now, but this issue was one of the first things we fought about and I want to know if I was paranoid & created a problem, or had a genuine right to feel his friendship was inappropriate. A month into our relationship, he mentioned he was good friends with a girl who is 20 years old - he's 32. He said she was like a little sister to him, and he had been friends with her since she moved to town three years ago (so his friendship started up with her when she was 17!) and she's the niece of a buddy of his who asked him to watch over her. Well, then it turns out she's actually one of his partying buddies. Also, she has a boyfriend who is much older than she is, 30 years old. So she's obviously attracted to older guys. I had never met her, but for some reason had a bad feeling about this girl. I was totally uncomfortable with the fact that my boyfriend hung out alone with a girl 15 years younger than me, and partied with her, too. One day, my boyfriend asked me to go to a party she was throwing for her boyfriend. I said I didn't want to go. He asked why and I told him I didn't approve of the friendship. He got very angry, said she had been his friend far longer than he'd known me, he wasn't going to give up his friendship with her, and that he had to go to the party because her boyfriend thought my boyfriend didn't like him. So now I was really suspicious - why would her boyfriend think that? It all sounded stupid and full of drama and I still refused to go to the party. We actually broke up for several days over this, got back together, and then had other problems down the road, and permanently broke up. This issue was the one that set everything off, though. He told me recently that he had actually told her I was jealous, and she told him she didn't need to put up with that. Again, proving to me that this girl is immature and definitely not on my team. I would really appreciate feedback from both males and females on this issue. Particularly whether you think there is a certain line people need to draw in their friendships with others of the opposite sex when they are in a relationship with someone else. Also, do you think it was weird he hung out with someone so much younger? Was I overly jealous? I'm open to all perspectives. Thanks, this has been bothering me for some time.
  12. Scout
    ...oops, sent it before I was finished. I would take out the P.S. because why ask him not to respond? I think closure for you means him talking to you and telling you why it ended.
  13. Scout
    You probably already sent it, but if you didn't, I would take out the P.
  14. Scout
    From what you say about him, he's a decent guy and you two actually had a pretty good relationship. I'm not so sure that all hope is lost, if you want to possibly get back together with him. The only thing that is going to give you closure is to know that it's really over. Just because right now he's saying he needs time to himself doesn't make it over. If I were you, I would be pleasant and warm at work, but very professional. Start living an exciting life, even if it kills you at first! I know after a break up getting out and about is unappealing, but you must do this to generate an interesting life without this guy. Join a hiking club. Campaign for a local candidate. Go to the park with a frisbee and a pal or two and a picnic basket. Go camping. After a while, you really will be busy with a multitude of plans, and you won't even have to tell him this. The Karma of the Universe will somehow inform him that you are moving on, and right then his interest will be peaked again. He'll start initiating conversations, which you'll have plenty of interesting things to contribute to because you've been doing so many cool things and meeting so many neat people. Eventually, after several of these conversations, he'll start to feel around if you're receptive to hanging out sometime. If you want him back, at that point invite him to something fun and non-threatening, and on that "date" whatever you do, DON'T talk about the relationship and why it failed. He will have a good time and be receptive to more fun times ahead. Continue to take it nice and easy and non-threatening, until he makes a move on you (which he will). At that point, feel quite free to ask him what his intentions are, and if he is expecting sex without a relationship. When you get to that point, come back here for advice. I'm not sure how to proceed from this point, because I went ahead and had sex with my ex first, THAN I asked him what he wanted from the relationship. He said he didn't want a relationship, which got me really mad and we had a huge fight. So I had to start NC again, but that was a month ago, and we've hung out several times, had two more fights, and now I'm starting to get a better sense of control of us, and I think we are on the road to getting back together, only this time I will have much more power than I had before. We're actually going camping together this weekend, and that's a big step for him, because part of the reason why we broke up was because he was always blowing me off on the weekends. I don't think he's "cured" yet, but we're making progress, and I know it's because I don't feel so desperate anymore. Hope this helps?
  15. Scout
    I don't know if I believe in soul-mates, but I do believe that there are people out there that we get along with exceptionally well. I'm curious if this new girl is also much younger than you. The reason being, most mature people realize that anyone out of a three week relationship is bound to have feelings still for their ex, unless they are a completely insenstive cad who never really cared about them in the first place. I would explain to your new girlfriend that you simply aren't the kind of person who forgets about people you had a loving relationship with, that you've got a lot more substance than someone who could, and she should be relieved and glad you have that quality, rather than feel threatened by it. At the same time, you want to communicate clearly to her that you see your prior relationship wasn't meant to be on many levels, and you have perfectly accepted the fact it's over (if you indeed, have.) It's unrealistic of your new friend to expect otherwise, and she is creating a problem by focusing on your prior relationship, rather than the one you two have now. On the other hand, it's natural that she wants to make sure she's not just a rebound person, so a few questions on her part are certainly ok. Just as long as she's not obsessing on this.
  16. Scout
    I don't have any specific advice, but hopefully some words of encouragement as you think carefully about what path in life you'd like to take next. I am struck by your post name "Always Afraid." I kind of know what you mean, for so long I was that way too, and it was mostly because I was afraid of failing. So ask yourself this, whenever you really, really want something: "What would I do to accomplish this if I wasn't afraid?" And really focus on your answer, not the fact that you're afraid to do it. Believe it or not, this little trick will make the possibility of accomplishing your goal very realistic and within reach. Best of luck!
  17. Scout
    If you're willing to go the old-fashioned route, there are a couple of great books out there that can inspire you to find the life/career paths that match your interests, personality traits, and skills: "What Color Is Your Parachute?" (it might be called What Color is Your Favorite Parachute, I don't remember) "Doing Work You Love - Discovering Your Purpose and Realizing Your Dreams" Best of luck in your search for meaningful & fulfilling work!
  18. Scout
    Additional thoughts here after thinking about this situation a bit more...I do agree with you that after a nine year relationship with you, your ex should realize that's it a little too much to ask that your friends immediately welcome her company with her new boyfriend along. It's bizarre that hasn't occurred to her, and it certainly makes for a frustrating situation for you. And frankly, I would be outraged too, and might have actually created a real scene by now if it was me. I guess it's always easier to be the voice of reason regarding other people's situations. I still think I'm right about how you're treating some of these other girls you're seeing, though. I know you feel like a kid in a candy store at the moment, and this is a whole new world for you. You just want to make sure you don't burn any bridges in case one of these women should actually be someone you'd eventually care to pursue something a little more meaningful with down the road.
  19. Scout
    Well, your ex probably hopes she can be friends with these people. Even if they weren't her childhood friends, she knew them for nine years, which is a long time, and I'm sure she misses some of them a great deal. She has a right to go out to public places in your town, and you and your friends don't hold ownership on specific places. Listen, it sucks that she left you for another guy - if that's what happened, I haven't read your original post yet - and I don't blame you for being upset about that, I personally would be just as devasted - but you said yourself you have moved on. And boy, have you moved on! You've been showing up at several places yourself with different women, and it's just unreasonable at this point, no matter what happened, to get upset if she and her guy show up too. Just ignore them and if your friends feel the same way about it, they'll do the same, and eventually your ex will give up her efforts to try and keep their friendships. I still think your anger towards your ex is effecting how you're relating to your current dating partners. If you don't want to settle with any one particular person right now, I understand, but don't run through a bevy of women just for the sheer quantity factor. Try and remember these girls are not incarnations of your ex, they are individuals who likewise have probably experienced bad relationships, and a little sensitivity on your part wouldn't hurt.
  20. Scout
    No, Sincerely, it's not wrong of you at all to be having a happy time exploring your single-hood. And I know you were devastated by that break-up, and I am sorry you had to feel that pain. But, I'm a little concerned that you might be inflicting pain on others, now. Not by being honest that you're not looking for a one-on-one relationship - I think its commendable if you let people know that upfront. But I have to be very frank - if I came to the board and said, wow, I had a date with a guy the other day who said "You're the one that wanted to play golf, right?" I am pretty sure everyone would recoil in horror. And the remarks you made to your ex's new boyfriend? Awful. Plain and simple. It honestly sounded like something a spiteful little seventh-grade girl would do or say: "You don't get to be friends with us!" I have read many of your posts, including some great responses you took the time to write to people on this board who are suffering from a break-up. You obviously have some great qualities that make getting dates easier for you than it might be for a lot of other people. But I am also getting the sense that your break up is not changing you into a better person, my friend. Sure, we've all been bitter about our exes, but becoming spiteful and determined to play the field with numerous women who all seem to hang out at the same place are not very attractive traits. Please don't let your hurt and anger turn into a general distrust of women and relationships.
  21. Scout
    Wow. You're exactly the kind of guy I would go out of my way to not date.
  22. Scout
    What would be "closure" for you? The chance to tell him something you want to get off your chest? Or to hear him tell you something? I just ask because if you write him an email or letter and he doesn't respond, you aren't going to get closure if you need to hear something from him. And if that's what you want, you will have to actually talk to him.
  23. Scout
    I think you should do everything Debisfun suggested, exactly, except for the very last detail. Don't break contact with her. She's going to need a friend, and for better or for worse, you have been with her for 10 months, and complete cut-off will certainly hurt someone as emotionally fragile as she appears to be. But you absolutely must take the internship. Tell her you assumed one of the reasons she fell in love with you was because of your desire to make something of yourself, and that she has to figure out how to separate her intense feelings of abandonmont from the actual situation she's relating them to. Try and be kind, as frustrating as this situation is. I know its difficult, and it seems like she's being awful, but there must be good points to her or you wouldn't have stayed with her this long. Let her know your caring and friendship is there if she is willing to accept it, if not, you'll still check on her to make sure she's ok. Something along those lines, you get the idea...Firmness while remaining kind. That's the tone you want to strike.
  24. Scout
    "Do Not Disturb" sign - love it!! Gee Cee, that cracked me up. Yep, life does go on, and there are others out there, but I am still glad we all tried to fight for our ex - we're not little pansies who just meekly accept the first couple of "no's". On the other hand, we're not desperate or stupid enough to remain chained to a lost cause, once we decide that's what it is. I cannot emphasize how much I learned from this site & all of you wonderful people. I'm not completely over my situation, but I certainly feel much stronger than I did before.
  25. Scout
    Hi Dikaia - I'm still here, just all over the place at different threads. Hope all is well with you & everyone...and yes, it's high time we had an update from Miss Gee Cee, unless she's too busy "Down Under" with her Australian friend....
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