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Scout

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Everything posted by Scout

  1. Scout
    Raider, you know something - that was right on. Man - I wish I could take that attitude and do something productive with it. It's very hard to put that into practice though. I've been burned and jilted more than my fair share of times, and I honestly don't know how to fight for someone anymore. Pride, worry about getting further rejected - all those thoughts and fears come to mind. Plus doubts about whether they are the right person. You know, if they were the right one, they wouldn't have left me...I didn't beg my ex not to break up, I acted like it was the right thing to do...when I saw him the first time afterwards, I acted like I was fine with it...than the second time, we, well, kind of got together after an evening of drinking and the next day I asked where we stood. He said, he didn't want a relationship. I flew off the handle and now we haven't spoken since. I'm beginning to think yes, maybe we should fight for them, but we can't do it without a cool head...this would actually be a good thread to cover in more depth: "Fighting for your Ex". I'd love to hear all the different viewpoints.
  2. Scout
    Rich, you probably know the answer in your heart: if she truly changes her feelings, you won't have to worry about how to proceed. That's the beauty of a healthy relationship where both parties know they want it to succeed and are equally committed. It just flows. Sure, there's rough spots, but both are committed to working through them. A healthy relationship is just not this difficult. I've been following your posts and honestly, this is the most frustrating relationship I've seen on the boards. You are a wonderfully patient man, full of love, but not blindly in love, you certainly have made some shrewd comments in all of your posts, both referring to your own and other situations on the board & appear to be a most intelligent man, anyway, what I'm getting at is I think you've done everything you could. It's just not supposed to be this hard. I don't know what she wants, her messages are very mixed up, and you must be going through hell trying to decipher them. Whether she intends this or not, I don't know, but you must extricate yourself from this incredibly frustrating situation. Not necessarily by refusing to take her calls, but by trying to just let go of the idea that there is going to be a reconciliation. Let go. Let go. I hope I don't sound awfully supercilious and presumptious. If I do, I sincerely apologize...I just hate to see the pain you're going through. As I said, I've been following your posts, and I can't see a thing you did wrong, you've been admirable throughout the whole ordeal, but man - has it been an ordeal for you! I really don't see how you can continue on much longer with this torture. My heart and best wishes for you to find the strength to move on truly go out to you.
  3. Scout
    To the poster who wrote that he broke up with someone because she didn't challenge him enough to be a better person, smarter, etc...wow. That's actually really cool, and pretty evolved, I think. I honestly thought that was one of the things my ex liked about me, he always said I was smart and had lots of creative ideas. But when we broke up, he just said "I don't think I'm what you want." He just gave up and didn't even bother to try and improve his life like he said he wanted to when we met. He even said at first that he thought the fact we met was a sign that his life was about to change for the better. Hmmph! So much for the sincerity of that remark... But, I did love his warmth and low-key but dead-on humor about things, and his incredible easiness to be around. It's difficult for me to feel comfortable around or even like most people, to tell you the truth, although one would never guess that if they knew me. But it was so comfortable being with him and I also was very attracted to him on a physical level. I guess those are the reasons why I wanted us to get back together. I'm sure there's GOT to be someone else out there that will fit that bill, too. But this time, I got a little more criteria they're going to have to fulfill!
  4. Scout
    I agree with the last post...in some ways, guys do just think differently than us gals, especially with the no contact thing. You absolutely have to break contact with him for three reasons: a) to give yourself a chance to start the healing process from the pain an ended relationship has caused you, b) to step back objectively and examine what was right and what was wrong about the relationship, so you can take this knowledge into new relationships and c) so that he can see you're moving on & not depending on him, and maybe, this might spark some interest in renewing a friendship with you. I know what you mean about not wanting to walk away from what is or was true love. It hurts, very much. It's frustrating, and you don't want to "give up". But, true love requires TWO PEOPLE making the same amount of effort to make the relationship work! There is absolutely no way around this, none. You did what you could the first month, and because he wasn't willing, you had no choice but to walk away. Please, please remember: it takes TWO. One person cannot do it all alone, or this website and its forums would not exist! That is the common theme you will see, all of us are hurting because we were ready to put in the time and commitment to make something work, the other person wasn't. However, there is always hope: hope that you will come out of this a stronger, more independent woman, and hope that you will meet someone that has the strength, kindness and maturity to do his share of maintaining a healthy relationship. Please know that your friends here at eNotalone are rooting for you, and more than willing to listen as you struggle through this difficult time.
  5. Scout
    Wow. Great comparison at the end there, about how her son will start to related to the situation. It was generous of you to share that story, I'm sure it wasn't easy for you to remember all the conflicting things you felt, some of which you may not be very proud of. Yet, you still shared it with us. I can very briefly tell you that in my early twenties I had a boyfriend who turned out to be abusive. I was not mature enough at the time to get out immediately, I was very naive and felt sorry for him because of stories he told me about being abandoned by his parents and raised by abusive grandparents, and so for a while, I was able to forgive him for his behavior. Anyway, by the time I realized I needed to get out, I was absolutely terrified of him - because quite simply, he was bigger and stronger than me, and he seemed crazy. Finally, with the help of my family, I did leave.
  6. Scout
    I absolutely second everything Lost in Translation just said. Lisario, I have been following your story and am rooting for you. You honestly come accross as a very loving and special person. Please, just hang in there. You are going to meet someone who is absolutely worthy of you. I don't think this is the guy who is. Let him go on with his life and this new person - let him be her problem. The sun will shine again for you, I promise. You have been strong in your NC efforts, and a little wave of longing/loneliness is to be expected from time to time. Ride it out. We're all here for you.
  7. Scout
    Don't get me wrong - the sex was great, actually! But what a shot to the ego when he STILL didn't want to get back together. Sometimes, though, I think I worry too much about my ego and pride. I don't really know how to fight for something I truly want without blowing my cool, or getting forceful. And that tactic just never, ever seems to work for me in relationships. Ok, I'm sort of off subject here, now - sorry! My goodness, we should all secure the rights to this thread and pitch it to Hollywood! So many riveting stories to follow!
  8. Scout
    That much pain, for such a long period of time - well, without knowing that much about you, I have to tell you I think therapy and medication would vastly alleviate your depression. You should give it some serious thought, because there truly is beauty and happiness that can be found in this world. This board is a perfect example. Hundreds of strangers from all over the world taking the time to help each other out as we sort through our pains and disapppointments. Please know that it's here to support you, too. Don't give up!
  9. Scout
    Well, that's just not correct. There's no way to measure that anyway.
  10. Scout
    You should say old-ER, not just "old".
  11. Scout
    I could see where you might be willing to cut him some slack and thinking he's just angry if he said he didn't care about you. But he also said the (in my book) unforgivable: He never cared about your kids. Please remember they are your first priority, and you wouldn't want anyone in your life who is capable of saying such a rotten thing about your very own children.
  12. Scout
    BZBorow - please. Women do not have the market cornered on that tactic at all. Men do it just as much. Let's just say, some people when they break up with you, that's their strategy. I know, I just had it done to me. It sucks. But it's not a gender thing, it's a passive, people who are jerks break-up thing!
  13. Scout
    I wouldn't expect her to be the one to pick up the phone. You are the one who left her, and she probably was devastated by that. You have to understand that for three years, she was dealing with wanting more than you could give her at the time. That took its emotional toll on her, and naturally, this new relationship is helping her to heal from that pain. Will it last? Who knows. But don't expect her to call you - you will have to do the work on this one, and I would advise you don't over-do it, just let her know you recognize the pain you caused her, you wish more than anything to make up for it, but you respect the fact that she is with someone else now, and you really feel you need to step back and let her make some decisions on her own. Than stay in occasional contact so she knows she is staying in your thoughts. If you do that, she'll unthaw, but it will be a long process and you must have patience. Even after all that, you can hope, but must not absolutely expect, that you two will reconcile. If everything was perfect between you except for the children issue, than you have a better shot than most of us. Just don't panic and screw everything up. Remember, she had to spend three years being patient for you, what you're going through now is a drop in the bucket compared to that.
  14. Scout
    Athena, I couldn't have said it any better. That was a really good post.
  15. Scout
    My opinion is: any angle you're looking at this, you're playing a dangerous game. I wish I hadn't done it, is all I can say.
  16. Scout
    Maybe the problem is, your standards are too low! What's wrong with setting high standards? Still, I know what you mean...I feel like I've made many concessions in the past, and the jerks still screwed me over. Which is kind of embarrassing if you think about it. So now I am setting my standards high HIGH HIGH. As for how you can meet someone, please see my original post above, I think it gives some specific advice. If you think outside of yourself, and your own wants, and get involved in some other things, you might just end up finding what you've been looking for all along.
  17. Scout
    He is telling you exactly where you stand. You don't see that?? Come on, the guy refuses to engage in an adult, honest conversation with you, and finally hung up on you when you kept persisting. This is not a guy with the skills needed for a healthy relationship based on communication and honesty. Move on, and find someone more mature and worthy.
  18. Scout
    Well, darn it - you removed it. ok, well anyway - if anyone is thinking about having sex with their ex, read about my recent experience this past weekend and think twice before you do it.
  19. Scout
    No, don't remove it, it wasn't offensive or anything. I just wanted us to keep in mind what you just pointed out about how it's thoughtless/hurtful of our exes to act a certain way that will lead up to sex, without clarifying that they have no intention of getting back together. [/i]
  20. Scout
    I'm sorry to go off topic, but I'm curious - what do you have to train the lamb to do? Lambs are so cute!
  21. Scout
    if you think this will turn her around read GeeCee's, Scouts etc etc posts and remember there is no difference between men and women on the after effects. you also are freely giving it away so you cant be mad if it doesnt turn her feelings. ok, can I just say one thing...someone else mentioned that we can't get mad at them if we have sex and they still don't want a relationship...theoretically, in an emotionless world, that might be true. But the thing is, what leads up to the sex is your ex is being absolutely charming, flirting with you, and just like his or her old self. They should at least have the decency to tell you before you do it with them that they will still just want to be friends afterwards. I agree with Rich - if you can honestly imagine you won't have any sentimental, longing feelings for your ex wash over you after you sleep with them, than sure, go ahead. But if you're not sure, be prepared to feel even worse all over again.
  22. Scout
    Rich, hang in there buddy. I truly believe you did the right thing. I've been following your posts, and I honestly believe this situation had gotten too consuming and unbelievably stressful for you. You did everything you could, and you also did it well - although it didn't end with you getting her back. I have a lot of respect for how much you genuinely cared about her, and I have even more respect for the fact that you realized you were suffering too much and needed to get this resolved before it drove you nuts. You did the right thing, I really believe that. You will fully heal, although it may seem at times like that's impossible. Know that this forum is here for you, you really won't have to go through this alone.
  23. Scout
    You really will just have to force yourself to go places even if you are alone - like maybe some small concerts, shows, accoustic nights at coffee-houses, etc. Museums, art gallery openings, are good choices...don't get discouraged if people don't run up to you right away and introduce themselves. You might have to do that yourself, but try not to be self-conscious about it, it's perfectly normal and good manners to be friendly with other people. Of course, if someone is obviously not in the mood for conversation, don't push it and just graciously move on. It's hard at first, but you will meet people, and also, most communities have all kinds of clubs and organizations you can join. If you're interested in politics, now is a great time to get involved with your preferred political party, what with the elections in November. You can meet some very bright and passionate people through this type of activity. There's tons of stuff you can do as a volunteer - you really just have to set some goals for yourself that you insist on meeting...i.e., go out at least three times a week, visit two volunteer organizations in the next month...you get the idea. At first it's hard to get motivated, but once you get the ball rolling, you'll be glad you did, and you'll quickly expand your social circle to include single friends, instead of married couples only.
  24. Scout
    I find I'm having a hard time getting motivated to date again, but I feel I must because I'm lonely and bored. I put a post up on a community dating site, and I've gotten several replies, but most of them it's like they didn't even read my post about what I'm looking for. I've never been online dating's biggest fan, it always feels like I've landed on The Island of the Misfit Toys!
  25. Scout
    shocked&dismayed - that was a lovely response.
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