Earner

Hello all, I posted a few weeks ago after I proposed to my gf, and she declined because she had someone else. My proposition was made to her after we had split up for a couple of months, during which time I sorted out some issues that had been stopping me committing to her and a family (which she wanted). So she has been with her new bf, maybe three months now. After she devastated me by declining my proposal of marriage, she looked me in the eyes and said "We need to have no contact now. This is the only way you can get over it" etc. etc. Then, one month later, she calls... to "see how you are, make sure you are o.k." I told her I had been busy. She told me she was my best friend in the world and knew me better than anyone apart from my Mum and Dad, and if I wanted to bounce ideas off of her etc., she was there... I told her I was glad there was some "feeling" but thought it strange to receive her call since she was in the "honeymoon" period of her new relationship. I also said, if we are in touch, I would hate to meet her some time with her bf there, because she would never just be a "friend" to me. She seemed to get that... NOW WHAT ON EARTH IS SHE DOING? WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? 1) Is she keeping me there in case it doesn't work out with current bf? 2) Why can't she be strong enough to not be in touch with me. I was the hurt one but I haven't been in touch with her - I have been taking her advice of no contact! Why hasn't she? 3) Does she just not know what she wants? 4) Does this indicate that things with her current bf aren't too great? How should I play this, in the sense that if she becomes single again, I know I want her. I guess I just keep in touch but from a position of strength (even though I am shattered inside). I actually feel better I think that she called, because it means that she couldn't do without me in some way: "going from what we had to nothing is too drastic a change", she said - EVEN THOUGH she instigated it. She had even said "Forget me and move on" just a few weeks ago! Please offer any advice, perspective, experience or interpretation. I would be most grateful Earner

She is in the "honeymoon" period of her current relationship. She was attracted to my strength and independence, and my instinct is that being seen to convey emotions when she has other focuses will appear to her as weak and unhelpful... Any women out there... is she more likely to feel positively for me if her last memory of me is the marriage proposal... or if she gets a drip drip of contact, which may make us slip into something "friendly" ? My friend has a wedding in about four months near where she lives. That seems like a good excuse to be in touch again. Four months (six after she started with her new man). I could let her know I will be there - and see what her response is (rather than ask to see her). What do you think?

How do I keep in touch with her so that she knows "she is in my thoughts" without disrupting her new life with her new man - ie. in a way that will increase her chances of coming back to me, rather than reducing them? Thank you Earner

Thanks. What studies do you refer to? And what understanding of this situation to they provide? Where can I find them? Also, the other two posters suggest that I should stay in touch. Is that the way to go? Wouldn't any kind of contact now indicate weakness on my part - that I have not moved on? She was always attracted to me "strength". I think she might find contact exasperating and intrusive while she is in another relationship, especially if i continue to indicate affection. What do you think? Thanks for your help Earner

There is some wisdom on these pages. Perhaps you can offer me some. I have professional help for depression following this situation I created. If you don't want to read my story, please just go to the question at the end! Three years ago, I met a wonderful woman. At the time, I was a very independent single man. (I am now 28 yrs old). She was 8 yrs older than me. We were deeply in love. I moved around the world to be with her. Every moment was perfect EXCEPT - she wanted children, and I was just not ready. She felt the pressure of her biological clock. This issue between us caused us to split many times. I would literally have to leave the country. Contact would continue. Our love would bring us back... and I would fly back to her... but the issue was only ever the children. She was patient with me all this time, waiting for me to come around to be able to commit to marriage and a family. I let her go one last time afew months agao, not because I wanted to, but because I had a complex about having children... I knew I wasn't ready and it was to do with my parents - so I went straight into therapy, and in three months, sorted out some issues. (This is the short version!) I had always known that I would want my former gf to be the mother of my children: but before, I was scared of having a family, so that didn't mean anything. However, after therapy, I was no longer scared. I lived with my changes for a while. And finally, I was ready. More than anything else in the world, I wanted what I had been avoiding all along: to have a family with this woman I am so in love with. I went to the jewelers to get the engagement ring. The SAME day, I received my first email from her in a while after our split. "I have moved on. I have another man. Forget me"... ETC. (She had known I was seeing a therapist, but we were not in regular contact, since we had officially split and I saw no point keeping in touch with her until I could offer her something new: commitment and family) I knew that her moving on was possible when I had left her. But, after I received her last email, I had to SHOW her my love and my change. I got on the plane one last time, around the world just to propose. She rejected me, as I expected. "I have someone else" She moved on from me to him in a few weeks! Now. I am trying to get over it by not contacting her. She even told me when she rejected me, quite matter of fact "the way to deal with this is for us not to be in touch".... Here I am. Fighting depression. I know she loved me SO MUCH as to wait for me for three years. And it was only the feeling of the finality of the last split that made me get the therapy I needed. I am a changed person. What I wanted before as a single man no longer holds appeal for me. Yet I can't have the family and woman I am now ready for. Between the two, I don't know if I can ever be as happy as I was with her - OR even before I met her, when at least being single seemed like the best thing. The worst thing is that I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS SITUATION. There was nothing wrong with our relationship except the children issue. There was nothing wrong with her. I have sorted out my issues now. So now, I have no good reason not to enjoy my future with her. But HERE IS WHAT IS REALLY GOING AROUND MY HEAD. She moved on so quickly... and almost everyone I know says... a) she is unlikely to marry her new man and b) if she doesn't, she will call me again. Now, I am not waiting on that call. I know I have to move on... But do people really work like this? She wanted my child for three years. Within a month of the final break-up, she found someone else. She is caught up with him emotionally. I proposed to her. She looked in my eyes and knew I would give her everything she always wanted... but she clearly and firmly rejected me... Now, so many say "Of course, she is in the honeymoon phase with this new man... just wait. The proposal will have an effect in her memory over time... You will hear from her again"?!?!? What's more, they tend to say that the only "chance I still have" is to not be in touch with her at all, wait for things not to work out with the new man, and LET HER CALL ME... So while I am avoiding contacting her as part of my grieving, part of me is hoping that not calling her may help to get her back? Crazy, normal, strange, naive or what?!? What are the chances that she will call me again? She turned down a marriage proposal... but those around me are saying things like "rebound" etc... and that she will, when the intensity of the current relationship wears down, appreciate that I am her "best option". I am eight years her junior. Her new man is older than her, giving her the maturity she felt she lacked from me. Yet he is a divorcee with a child. He has reached his dreams. I am yet to reach mine. DO WOMEN REALLY THINK BACK TO OLD RELATIONSHIPS AND PICK UP THAT PHONE?. Can a woman move on so quickly to a new man, and it be "the one"... My friends say not to be surprised by a call in a few months to a couple of years! She is 37 now, and wants badly to have a child soon. So she has to do it with her new man very soon... or find another extremely quickly. THANKS FOR TAKING THE TIME TO READ THIS MAIL, and for your patience, and for any thoughts or experience