Let me say this first:
Aside from the stuff below, my husband is a gentle, loving, sensitive, bright, kind hearted man (or I wouldn't have married him)...
What are the signs of abuse, exactly?
Verbal: During our engagement, my ex-Marine husband got really mad during an argument and started doing some boot-camp style yelling in my face. That scared the crap out of me (child abuse issues were triggered) and I tried to get out of there. He blocked my exit, causing me to "shimmy" under the garage door to get away. After that incident, and before the wedding, I explained how I "absolutely could not marry him" if this is the way he is going to behave. So he agreed to a weekend workshop two weeks before the wedding; we learned good communication tools, and he opened up like never before. We were married, and I thought he was "healed".
You can guess the rest. Once we were married, the tools got put to use less and less (by both of us, admittedly) because they feel unnatural, contrived, artificial. Most arguments about money, workloads, housework, etc. , went poorly but not crazily... until a huge blowout about my (our) 7-year old son came up. The boot-camp style yelling was back, complete with name calling, cussing and disrespect. Of course, this triggered my fight or flight response, first I yelled back in kind...then I tried to get away, and he blocked my exit again.
Ever try to trap a wild animal? I went nuts: scratched him and tried to get my 140 pound self through his 210 pound musclular body. I am not proud of trying to squeeze through a small space to get out, and fell injuring myself on the way down through the opening. My son saw all of this and was crying. I was screaming, and it was completely chaotic. More went on, but I was thinking that since he didn't put his hands on me directly, then it's not abusive. But I guess I am reading here that it could be construed that way.
That happened 6 weeks ago. Since then, I have openly discussed my options of leaving if he cannot find another way to express himself. I explained that this is not the Marine Corps, and since he retired right after the wedding, he will have to learn new ways of being around me and my son. I hate to threaten to leave, but at that point, I really felt that I should get out before it escalates. I can see how people could slice each other up in just minutes! But he apologized profusely and vowed to try harder. He has been better, but I am not a fool. I am trying now to learn how to NOT REACT the way I have been, because he sure cannot fight all by himself! I have been putting some techniques to work, (and I can see that he has changed his approach) which have helped keep our recent arguments from spiralling out of control.
Judgemental: But lately he is getting more and more judgemental of my friends and what they are doing with their lives; to the point where I will not talk to my friends on the phone when he is around. He judges them and their choices, thinking he knows what's best for everyone.
Controlling: When my son doesn't do things the way my husband thinks they should be done, he reprimands him (think more boot-camp). He has very strong opinions of how children should behave, and a lot of his discipline techniques have been good for my son. I will not allow him to spank my son, but he wants to. (I do the rare spanking of the child, because frankly, I am scared because I won't be in control of it if he does it.) They do enjoy each other too, at times (to be fair).
Power Struggle: I am a strong woman. He moved into my house after the wedding, and I have been running my own business, my house and my child successfully for a long time. His salary tripled when he got out, and now we are building a beautiful new house; this should ease the territorial issues; but I see that I don't easily allow him to have much control (especially of the boy), and for that he thinks I am "chopping his balls off". Most of the time we are both struggling to gain/maintain power... that much I can admit.
Is this part of the "Hardest First Year" stuff they tell us about, or do I really have something to worry about on my hands? As I type this question, I realize the answer is all up to me... and how I handle it.
Still, feedback is always nice.
Thanks for taking the time to read all this... writing it down sure helps!
~C
