Batya33
-
Posts
69,987 -
Joined
-
Days Won
234
Content Type
Profiles
Forums
Articles
Videos
Blogs
Store
Everything posted by Batya33
-
Of course you're not perfect. No one is. Not sure how that has any relevance to the damage you have chosen to do to your husband. I am glad you've set a deadline for yourself but I hope that you don't see what you have done as justified by "well nobody's perfect." All that means is that you will do it again. On the other hand, since that is your barometer by which you measure values, I'm sure you will cut the same slack to your lover when he inevitably cheats on you. Right?
-
Look, no one is a saint, including me. A decision like this is so difficult (and this is why I've never been a fan of living together before marriage more than temporarily, particularly with kids involved). In the end, it's only money - easy for me to say, of course, but truly, it is only money. As far as your health, since it is a huge house why not move into another area of the house for now? You got involved knowing - from fairly early on I am sure - that this woman has tons of baggage - as much as she may have been a victim of her exes she also chose them at some point so that says something. Of course people can change but it sounds like she is still not taking responsibility for herself and her family - at least not to the extent that is satisfactory to you. The child you have together is going to pay a much larger price than you ever will for your house and things if you stay together in this situation. Maybe that will help you make this very difficult decision. All the best.
-
Well he is talking about the stress men have vis-a-vis women and to me that is a statement in a vaccuum without considering the stress women face, in turn. That most certainly affects the dynamics - and stress - of the relationship.
-
I agree with this and if a person truly feels that she is only going to connect with a few people and that she cannot give up the chance to be with those people the best thing to do is not to get married or committed in the first place so that she is free to be with those people whatever the timing or the situation.
-
One more comment - someone mentioned that she doesn't have to choose love - she just does love him. I remember a religious figure (woman) said to me about ten years ago on that topic that one part of a healthy/successful relationship is knowing how to be giving even when you're not feeling loving (which at least to her is a normal part of any healthy relationship) - she used as an example getting your husband his favorite breakfast even on a morning when you feel like "why I am with this guy??" See, that is what I think is a true accomplishment. I think it is lovely to be in love and feel love - but the hard part comes when that constant high fades and you have to be giving even though you might not be inspired to be. Sometimes just being giving at those times re-ignites the spark because you remember why you got together in the first place.
-
I think it is great that you feel this way and I have heard many indecisive people say just this (including myself typically in shorter relationships like yours). With all due respect I don't think your "sureness" makes your decision that he is "the one" any more sound than someone who comes to it from a perspective of wondering and doubts and then taking the plunge. It makes it far easier for you because you are feeling so into him and in love, but it doesn't mean that in the long run your decision is any better or that you have even made a good decision just because you have this "sure" feeling. I have heard many times - I am sure you have too! - from people who felt so "sure" in the early stages until they spent the better part of a year - or less - with the person and realized that once some of the passion and newness/excitement faded there were flaws that were dealbreakers. This is not to be negative as I know many people who were this sure who are now very happy (!!) - I just don't believe in a strong link between the "sure" feeling and the success of the marriage -
-
I think you will get infinite responses to your questions - those who will say "you just know" those who will say "if you have to wonder after ____ time then he is not" and others who will say it's a myth. here's the thing, for some it is easy because they "just know" but if you don't then your task is to actually make the decision rather than having the decision made because you are swept away on cloud nine. I know people who have been swept away, been sure, end up divorced and unhappy and vice versa. I recommend a wonderful book that is helping me with a similar issue called A Fine Romance by Judith Sills - it was published almost 20 years ago but it very insightful on this point. good luck! also keep in mind that people come to "just knowing" differently - I have friends where they were so shocked to be proposed to by anyone "of course" they knew, one who "just knew" because she desperately wanted to have children and he fit the bill, and then there are those with doubts that they share with you but all of a sudden after the ring comes the wall goes up, you never hear about the doubts and they become "smug married" types who "always knew/just knew"
-
I raised depression because the OP raised that as his example. I would not date someone with a serious illness where that illness would substantially impair his ability to be a father and raise a family. I don't date men who I don't see as potential marriage partners. I do plan the type of relationship I go into - it doesn't just happen. My interest might just happen but as far as taking the step from interest to a relationship yes i have a list of attributes that must be there - those are, basically, same religion as me, wants marriage and children in the near future, intelligent, hard working, drug-free and yes, healthy. I would be foolish to let a relationship just happen with someone who I couldn't see myself marrying - foolish and selfish too. And yes past matters too - if he was a drug addict/alcoholic I would need to know how long he has been sober/clean, why this happened, the risks of it recurring, whether he had a criminal record because of it. My father has suffered from clinical depression for over 50 years and I am so glad my mother was so supportive and wonderful to him but I am sure she wouldn't encourage me to get involved with someone with that illness. Once again, I focused on clinical depression because that is what the OP focused on - it is silly to ask me if a broken leg would be the same issue - of course it's subjective, of course it depends on what the illness is, how it affects the person's life, etc. I should also add that I would be friends with someone with a serious illness - and have been several times - but to be involved romantically and potentially married that is a whole different story.
-
Oh, I don't think he's a bad guy for not being interested in a relationship with her, I just think he wanted to avoid confrontation by claming he didn't want a relationship in general and that she was "too nice" - those are typical excuses.
-
Interesting definition of "great father" - a man who has a child with a woman he goes back and forth to (horribly insecure for the child) and cheats on two women at once - so, let's see won't that make a lovely role model for children you might have with him? I guess you don't care whether children you have are exposed to parents with integrity and respect for others. Last time I checked those were fairly important values, don't you agree? And - since you are focusing on how you feel in all of this, how will you feel if you're pregnant and you can't locate him on a particular night - will you really believe he is working late or will you wonder if he is with his ex or a pretty young 20 something from his office (since you will not have your typical figure and may not be in the mood for sex given the pregnancy, etc). Why would he be faithful to you and what will you do when (yes when) you get "bored" again - will you cheat on him, too? Go back to your ex? What if there are children involved? Don't you owe it to yourself to get back or develop some of the basic values of trust and self-respect so that you don't repeat this behavior? Doesn't your husband deserve the chance to find someone who will respect her marriage vows?
-
Well if a man suffers from clinical depression he might not be in the best situation to be in a long term romantic relationship. I would not date a man who was financially unstable or who did not have a strong work ethic because he would not be compatible with me - I am financially stable and have a strong work ethic - I am not asking him to be any better than me in those areas. If a man is laid off/fired I would be compassionate but of course I would need to know why and how hard he is trying to get a new job. Again, I wouldn't be asking of him more than I myself brought to the table. And yes if I were home with children full time and providing a healthy and loving environment for our children I would expect him to do his part and provide the essentials.
-
If there is such stress I am not sure that men understand the stress women go through in being stay at home mothers particularly since in traditional parlance that work doesn't count as a real job.
-
There are many women out there who, like myself, made sure she was self sufficient financially/established in a career so that any man she became involved with would not have that stress.
-
If you truly were thinking of your husband, you would have divorced him before cheating or decided not to cheat and work on your marriage instead. You're lucky in a way - you won't be shocked if you go to Mr. Sexy and he cheats on you eventually - you will have known that about his character in advance and vice versa. But given the situation with his child, maybe consider whether he would make a good father to a child of yours . .. . . hmmmmm I also agree that if you decide not to work on your marriage and honor your vows, then see no one and be on your own.
-
No - you haven't really tried because you come back even though the situation is not fully resolved. Move out and sign at least a one year lease because this situation likely will take that long to fully resolve at minimum.
-
Watch the feet not the lips - what he does, not what he says. He wasn't interested in a relationship with you. Period. It's ok - don't take it personally - really. You will also find people you are not interested in being in a relationship with - perhaps you won't flirt as much. Also understand that you were very available to him - he never had to take the effort to call and ask you out on a proper date - he could just hook up with you at his convenience and tell you he didn't want a commitment so he wouldn't feel guilty about it and could give you all the compliments he felt like and still be off the hook. That's what happens sometimes when you meet people in clubs, especially when there is alcohol involved. Your risk of course but it sounds like you want a serious relationship and to be treated like a lady. Hard to find that in a club- not impossible, but difficult.
-
Thanks for your response. I understand that you love her and she comes with this whole package - the good, the bad, the daughter, etc. I think the problem is that the daughter - although 22 - is very immature and while her mother might accept you disciplining her children, this child does not and it's confusing to her (and she is confused as it is, sounds like). It's been said many times that a person marries the person's family and here you are experiencing this first hand. Here is what I would do so that you stop being a doormat and this relationship can be saved. Say in a loving, caring way something like "I love you and I want us to be together. Right now though if I stay in this situation it is not going to be healthy for either of us because when it comes to your daughter, we don't agree and haven't been able to agree. For now, I am going to move out and let's go to counseling so that we can work as hard as we can on "us" and speed up my moving back in when that is appropriate. That is my goal. We can continue to date of course but I didn't sign up for this situation and it is very unhealthy for me and thereforeeee for us. I need to gain back my sanity, my sense of self and self-respect. You need to figure out how to deal with your daughter and grandchildren in the way that makes the most sense to you. You cannot do that while I am around as we've seen."
-
Well, I respectfully disagree that your supporting them financially - your choice entirely - gives you the right to discipline someone else's child. They are not your family - they may be "like family" but neither of them (your fiancee and her daughter, and her children) is related to you by blood or marriage. And if you are so traditional as you say, why aren't you married? Kind of inconsistent, no - to want the so called "man of the house" title but not make it legal? Not sure I've ever heard of the traditional set up where the man and woman are not married and the woman's child is living with them. But, that's just me of course. It sounds like your values as you stated them above are inconsistent with her values because apparently she doesn't want to have a set up where she has to obey the "man of the house." I am sure there are women who would go along with that model (I don't happen to be one of them but ok) - and if it is that important to you find someone who is on the same wavelength with you. She may have been at one time but it is clear she is not anymore.
-
Why have you been engaged for 5 years and are not married? Do you have a wedding date (not sure what engaged really means without a wedding date but I'm sure there are different definitions). Sounds to me like you are not compatible as far as lifestyle, period, end of story and that might be one reason you are not married. Also, unfortunately, you are not the daughter's father or even her mother's husband so your authority is very limited - as a famous psychologist said, you should be expected to be treated like a guest - i.e. with respect but you have no say in how she is disciplined, etc. Of course you don't have to contribute any $ towards her expenses so that of course should stop. As far as your fiance complaining about your behavior the more you can see that as manipulation the better. Just my humble opinion.
-
The main problem here is that you consider yourself a couple - in the romantic sense of the word - with someone you have never met in person. You may be "in love" or like the image of him you see through typing and talking but neither of you has any idea of whether you will be compatible in person. Not about looks - you don't know his body language, energy, the way he is when he is sick, happy, sad, around his friends, family, waiters, etc. You cannot know that through typing, talking, webcam, etc. Once you realize that for purposes of a romantic relationship he remains a complete stranger, you will also realize that his behavior - in taking this to a real instead of a fantasy level screams that he is not interested enough in that - he would prefer to keep it a fantasy. you keep giving him more chances because deep down - so do you - this way you can pretend you are part of a couple because that seems important to you and avoid trying to meet people in real life - which is much more challenging but so much more rewarding. Believe me, if you decide not to date anyone that's totally fine but deluding yourself as you are is very unhealthy IMHO.
-
I think it's striking a balance between fun/flirty/feminine and being quietly assertive including as far as insisting - without speaking -on being treated with respect and like a lady. I have heard more than once from men I have dated that the way I carry myself and present myself makes it clear that I am relationship material - or - at least not one night stand material. It was always said as a compliment. Several times on a first date or second date I've been asked pointed questions about my goals in a marriage, what kind of engagement ring I would want (hate that question - I have no interest in that topic - borrrriiiinnggg). etc I used to joke "men don't want to date me, they just want to marry me." I am not "gorgeous" by any means. I do carry myself with confidence and when I first meet a man I will be friendly, I am very feminine but honestly I think I have an approachable almost innocent face (I've noticed that women tend to open up to me quickly too) so that as long as the man isn't drunk, he may flirt back and make it clear he is attracted, but in an appropriate way. Men typically don't curse in front of me or treat me like "one of the boys" but at the same time I am treated like I am intelligent and they are interested in my career/profession. When I did on line dating I made it clear that i was looking for a serious relationship leading to marriage and family. If I am not sure if the man is on the same page, I ask him questions about his family because that gives me a clue to what he thinks in general about marriage. I might mention a wedding I am going to or the volunteer work I do with children. I would not go out with someone more than 4 times unless I knew that in general marriage/family was a goal (obviously I wouldn't expect any specifics as to whether I was that person!) And yes I do dress in a flattering, feminine way but not in a way that screams "sexy." Not sure if this was helpful - it's worked for me (well, it "is" who I am so it's not much work!)
-
I would want it disclosed in the profile or at minimum in the first e-mail or phone call as long as a lot of emails are not exchanged. I once met someone in person who had severe paralysis and scarring down one side of his face and neck with distorted features. His photo was taken from the profile of the "normal" side of his face. While I understood why he omitted to tell me I am glad I am a good actress and hid my shock but I thought in general it was unfair of him not to tell me in advance so I could be prepared or decide not to meet him and as it turned out I had to come to terms with the fact that no, I was not the right person to be able to deal with that type of disability in the long term. I thought he seemed like a lovely person and it was really difficult for me to be honest with myself about his disability being a dealbreaker. I did not tell him that that was the reason and since he thought it was fine to omit telling me I didn't feel I needed to be brutally honest (and also why unnecesarily hurt him). I have declined to meet others with disabilities - one person used a wheelchair and the other had been hundreds of pounds overweight, just had gastric bypass surgery and was not quite stable emotionally or physically because of his lifelong obesity and the effects of the surgery. Seemed like a lovely guy, not right for me for a relationship. So, if you choose not to disclose prior to meeting in person, you may put the person in a very awkward and uncomfortable position and this could cloud and negatively impact his ability to get to know you.
-
I would question the character and sincerity of a person who was in a relationship yet kept a myspace profile public or accessible to those who would think it appropriate to add these comments and/or someone who wouldn't automatically delete those comments (i.e. delete them because of course even with all precautions that can happen) or block the person. I can sort of understand why a person in his or her 20's would want to keep a myspace account even if there is a significant other but there are ways to restrict access and if this is not being done I would question the person's character. I have a myspace account - there is no photo, it is private, it says I'm in a relationship and I have it to make sure that my two young nieces are staying safe and appropriate on myspace. They link to my profile.
-
Watch the feet - what he does - not the lips - what he says. What does "I love you" really mean if he behaves unreliably?
-
I think it's a case by case basis - it depends on the seriousness of what was done, how long ago, how the person reacted to what she/he did and what changes he/she has made since then. Absolutely it could affect my judgment of his or her character and change the friendship dramatically or end it. I also would need to know depending on what it was why I hadn't been told earlier - such as if we had discussed faithfulness in a relationship and he declined to tell me he had had an affair in the past, that would not only be a problem dealing with his past, but a present lie.