Lunabelle

Now for your real issue. You two need to deal with this out loud. You NEED to decide how you feel about it. I thought I was okay with it. Then it took over his life. Magazines, videos, downloading. Locking himself in the bedroom at all hours, day and night, to download more. His family sitting in the next room while he's doing this. It makes me hate him. I thought I was okay with it because we could watch together and then have fun sex. Then I found him downloading horrible degrading scenes, and scenes with girls who look very much like a 14-year-old girl. What WE think of this is not the issue. You need to be able to talk about this stuff with him. You need to be able to tell him when to draw the line. You may find it perfectly acceptable if it's two loving people "making love". But sometimes it morphs into something quite different (him shoving her face in a used toilet while taking her from behind) and you are caught unawares. My advice? Absolutely put your foot down and say, no way. Because it's a grey, slippery slope.

This may come as a real shock to some of you ladies, but this is a bunch of crap. It's a line they use to get into your pants. Food is a need. Water is a need. Sleep is a need. Human interaction is a need. People die without these things. Men do not die without sex or orgasm. They may have wet dreams, they may get really really horny, but sorry, sexual release is not a NEED.

Wow -- you obviously support and motivate yourself -- why should you be expected to do that for another adult, too? It's one thing if you're referring to doing this at the time of an unusual event (death or tragedy) but on an on-going basis this will suck the life right out of you. This is what you do for children, until they grow up and figure out to do for themselves. I feel your pain, I know your pain, I fell for a guy just like this! Still married to him. It's not pretty. I say: Run away! Run away! Nothing crushes intimacy like one person being all needy and clingy and conflicted. What you have here is a child, unwilling to grow up. I'm sorry to say I laughed right out loud when I read about him moving back home with his parents. Many, many people at age 25 may be in school but are still able to support themselves, at least to an extent they can be a roommate somewhere. When my spouse and I discussed a possible separation, he already had planned "moving back home". So our home was not "home", his parents house is "home". A very telling comment. Most adults would not dream of moving back with parents unless very dire situation or they wanted to be taken care of again. He's confused about becoming an adult. A man. Arranging to not complete the college education is very telling. You have to be committed to graduate, but if he does, everyone will expect so much of him! So he will put that off as long as possible. He's using you. Know that he may not even realize it. He thinks if he piggy-backs onto your strength, your independence, your positive outlook, you will "cure" him, you will "fix" him. Using your strengths, he thinks he can then become the man he is resisting becoming. Trust me -- this will NEVER happen. If he is like this at age 25, he will be like this at age 35, and 45. He may very well be highly intelligent ("smart" you say) but that is really not the point here at all. My final comment, never, ever have a serious relationship conversation when one or both of you are drinking. It will only bring misery. He will ALWAYS be "confused". That's his refusal to grow up and be an adult that is so confusing to him and to you. This is a manipulative ploy they use to protect themselves. And if at age 25 he hates his job and is unable to make that change, that would apparently be so meaningful to him, what makes you think he'll be able to handle this type of stuff when you are married with children and you are really depending on him? He will still * * * * * and moan, but won't actually DO, he won't actually ACT. Here's when you SHOULD move in together -- he is happily employed and the drinking has dropped to a more reasonable, social amount. He is able to fully support himself. He has completed -- no excuses -- his college education. When you see living proof, over an extended period of time, that this guy is an adult, you will be very attracted to him and he won't be able to keep you away. Why take on all these problems?

Yep. This is exactly what I was going to offer as well.

This, right here, this is the BEST advice I've ever seen on this site. Listen to it. Memorize it. Follow this rule faithfully. You won't be sorry.

let me get this straight, you give him head, but he won't reciprocate? he's out the door! forget about him! just say, see ya' later and move on! funny he doesn't mind how many peni you had in your mouth.....which they say is a whole lot "dirtier" than your, well, you know........

An experienced Grief Counselor can really help you. It's of limited duration -- usually you know when you are done with it -- and it can really help you understand your feelings.

The answer to your title question is, NO. I mean, God, No. I mean, Hell, No. I guess I've made myself clear.

walk away my friend, walk away....just put one foot in front of the other and keep going...

Dear, if you are "wondering" this, then get the hell out of the relationship. Because more than likely the answer is probably not. When a person is "fulfilled" they don't go around wondering if they are or not. This is woman speak for, "Is this all there is?" and I'm not just referring to the literal filling that occurs during intercourse. I smell bigger issues here than actual penis length. The way he asks you about it says a lot about his own issues too. Wouldn't you rather be with a confident man? Should women with small breasts or much larger breasts feel low confidence because they are not average? He's the only guy you've been with and it sounds like you are not fulfilled......dear you don't need to be asking us these questions.....you know in your heart of hearts what the deal it here.....

what does this mean?

uh, I beg to differ with you, with all due respect...perhaps we are not talking about exactly the same thing here..... as a complete aside, why do people take the time to respond if, as they outright admit, they haven't read the posts?

hmmm....not as far as anyone knows, anyway

yes, NJRon, yes it does.......

Ha ha the funny thing is, I am not divorced or widowed. My husband and I are doing what the therapist calls an "In house separation" meaning we're pretty much just roommates at this point. I've kind of gone through a period of mourning, very textbook fashion, where I really grieved for the dead relationship. It's very bizarre, very strange way to live. Really I could go on about it ad nauseum but ....... I try not to. We've got two teenagers and a middle-schooler. It's truly amazing how I can live such a busy, full, overwhelming life and feel lonely, but I do. I recently read another book, The Grown-Up Marriage by Judith Viorst and it's an interesting read whether you are married or not or contemplating it or not. Kind of an overview of where marriage is, as an institution, in mainly middle-class white American families today. It's kind of a feel-good while you're in the muddy trenches kind of thing, on the whole she advocates long-term monogamous marriage which does seem to work at some level for a lot of people I suppose... Meanwhile my fantasies these days are all about when can I go to bed (alone of course) to get more sleep (working mom talking) or when I can read one of the billion books I'm always reading (alone of course) or when I can come here to enotalone (alone of course) and add my bitter two cents worth where ever and when ever I want to.

Heya Skippy -- I DO NOT think breaking the law is okay. Children and young adults do need appropriate punishment regardless of the situation. Blink Guy -- try to be cool here. You won't win any friends by barking. When you post at a place like this, you will get all kinds of answers from all kinds of people. You might try looking at it as if Skippy is just a handy "representative" of people with similar opinions to your parents. I have 16 years parenting experience but twice that many with drug and alcohol experiences! I guarantee you, I've never, ever found someone who was robbing, stealing and murdering people to be able to smoke pot. Now alcohol, cocaine, meth, heroin, all that stuff? People will do ANYTHING to get more once they are hooked. And you can get hooked very very quickly. Frankly I do not believe the line that marijuana is a "gateway" drug. Whoever came up with that has no experience with drugs, period. Blink, let's face it -- you're probably not going to be able to "re-educate" your parents about it, I doubt they'll ever change their mind. I'm so glad you mentioned your Asian background -- that says loads about your parents! You know they love you and want what's best for you, but they can only do the best they can, and that's what they are doing. I suggest you keep your act together in all ways. You need to reassure them, that you're not going to be some evil drug user or drug pusher. When I was caught smoking the devil weed as a teen, I pointed out that I was a straight-A student, had ambition (college plans), held down a part-time job, I showed them I wasn't on the path to being a heroin addict, I had simply made a mistake in a decision. Young adulthood is when you are supposed to make your mistakes, yes? I think if this is one of many problems you're having, then they may be right in really clamping down on you. But if you are otherwise a together person, perhaps they've gone overboard in their punishment. However, this may be a good time for you to step up and realize, you won't be living at home forever. I know, like most teenagers, you live this double life, of who you are at home versus who you are outside home. But know that this is just a temporary stage in your life right now -- soon, just a few years -- you'll be out on your own. You may consider that since they are supporting you, providing for you, maybe the least you can do is just lie low for a while, get back on their "good side" and be way more careful in the future. I'm not advocating drug use or breaking the law. I am advocating that parents WAKE UP and get real about how pervasive pot is in their kids lives, find out why the kids want to get high (do you even know?) and make it discussion point not a "shut-down" point. In my experience, parents who can't discuss drugs with their kids probably also cannot discuss all the other important stuff either. Having said all that Blink, know that your parents love you like no one else in the world. They would die for you. They would step in front of a train for you. Don't take advantage of that love. Try to love them back in spite of your current feelings.

Very very important to list on paper -- when you see stuff in black and white somehow it has a different meaning than when it's just carried around in your head. You may be able to see that you actually have conflicting stuff on your list, or that some of your stuff is just way unreal and will never happen! or you may see that it is good stuff, it all needs to be there, it's important to you, and you intend to stick to it. I can't encourage you enough to write it down, feel free to amend and edit as life goes on, revisit the list from time to time as life goes on, re-evaluate, I'm sure you get the picture.

Oh you are in a tough spot. Good luck to you in your job search. Don't give up! maybe you can brainstorm some way of expanding your freelance stuff. I know being a freelancer is tough and not for everyone....but it does have its advantages. It's horrible to *work* and have to worry about your pay -- it should just come, on time, and be right!

You're gonna have some wait calling the IRS this time of year......good luck with that......since you mentioned your feelings about your job, why not talk to the boss about it? It needs to be done politely and calmly though, particularly in a non-accusing way....just sharing with them your "amazement" at what had happened and just what it was going to cost you now. And is there anything they could do to reassure you it won't keep happening in the future. That you depend on them to be fair to you. I know it's overboard but you can press the point and make your point without being an * * * about it. (not that you would but you know what I mean) It might be interesting to get their reaction about the incident, you never know, it just might be "last straw" for the accountant and maybe the boss is looking for a reason to fire the accountant (?) or maybe the boss has so much other bad stuff going on that this is small potato for him? Not to be rude but why in the world would a company hire a mentally handicapped accountant? Can you be a little more detailed about this? It's very bad judgment to hire someone who will put a company at risk, and believe me, nothing screws up a company as bad as messing with people's pay. It just opens them up to ALL kinds of lawsuits and penalties and audits. Very bad news. If you know people are regularly getting paid wrong, frankly if I were you I would report them to the state labor board, state tax board, the IRS, and get the heck out of there. Is it the only employer in town? You need to protect yourself. Why offer yourself up for a potential screwing?

well that takes the cake!!! genital warts would certainly annoy the living hell outta me!

Man, nothing is meaner than a teenage girl. I'm so sorry you are hurting. Making them hurt won't really help you, though. You are "allowing" them to hurt you. Why do that? Why give them that power over you? You can't change their response. You can only control your reaction to their responses. Are they the only girls in your city? In my opinion, the best "revenge" is being a great boyfriend to someone who will actually make you feel good instead of bad. Those girls sound mean, and trashy, and insensitive. Who cares what they look like? They're poison. Get away from them, stay away. This is the time of your life to discipline yourself to stay away from s*()theads. You deserve better. Just because your Dad was the ol' babe magnet or just because he thinks you should be/are one, has nothing to do with your real life. This is your life, not his. Things will happen on your time schedule, not someone else's. Really, I'm on your side, but maybe you need to examine why you feel the need to go after "beautiful" but unreachable girls instead of trying for a true relationship with someone of better character. Maybe if you step out of the drama of these girls, you will be able to look around and see someone on the sidelines, not in the spotlight, but a possibility for you nonetheless. This is the time of your life when you should be meeting lots of people, lots of girls, because there's all different kinds of girls, and you date lots of girls to learn about dating and about sex and about girls and about life. Don't decide now that you only are gonna go after a certain type of girl -- you've got a whole life to live first. Don't give up. You are unique in that you actually give a cra* and care enough to post here.

Hey watcha! I'm right here with you! I just never expected the loneliness -- it caught me by surprise. Even when your life is busy, and full, you can still be lonely. It feels worse when you are not so busy. I know this isn't exactly what you're going through now, but I've read this book and it kind of opened up my eyes to how other women are feeling. Can't recall the author but the title is something about How Female Mid-Life Crises are Changing America or something along those lines. You might find some insight there -- you certainly are NOT the only one wrestling with conflicting feelings.

People who discipline their teens like this are only shoving them out the door faster. Your parents sound really out of touch to me. Punishment needs to fit the crime. Am I understanding this, you got 2 months grounding for smoking weed? Stupid, stupid. I'm willing to bet your parents did LOTS of stupid (and possibly unlawful) stuff in their youth. NJRon is right......although personally I'd be a bit nervous about bringing in the whole school counselor. More than likely this is just one of many, many issues they refuse to discuss with you for whatever reasons. It's too bad. They could use this as such a opportunity to ask you about it and how you felt and why you wanted to do it, etc. Instead they stick their head in the sand and no doubt walk around proud for being the disciplinarian. Good luck to ya, kid! Keep on posting if you need more help.

As I understand, you and you alone are responsible for the withholdings. Your employer must withhold according to the W-4 you completed telling them the number of dependents and the single/married question. It is your responsibility to DO THE MATH to be sure your employer is actually doing what you tell them to do. This is fairly easy to do using a federal tax preparation booklet. Also there are many online calculators that will do this math for you for free. Sorry, but I don't think you can hold the employer responsible unless you can demonstrate that they willfully or fraudulently withheld too much or too little compared to what you put on the W-4. If you want your job, and unless you feel it is a gross negligence on behalf of the accounting department, you may want to think twice about being overly aggressive about this one. Having said all that, I'm in the same boat, my friend. I owe about a bazillion in federal this year!