Lunabelle

SLMitchell has a great suggestion! (why didn't I think of that?) Why not nurse her on your lunch break? As for the crying, as a general rule I'd say not to let them go at it for any length of time, it generally seems to really scare them too. After a while I believe they have forgotten why they are crying in the first place and don't quite know how to shut it off. This is why simple distraction often works well with the little ones. Also, you are assuming quite a bit. You assume she'll cry a lot and need to be comforted. Some babies are so distracted by what's going on around them at day care that they don't fuss so much (sometimes those little guys just get bored and whine to be entertained!) She will learn very quickly, within just a few days, that she won't get picked up at every whimper. This is a good thing! You don't want to be a slave to her for the next 10 years! And know that even if the first couple weeks are not-so-great, after that it may be fine. My babies went through stages of wanting me more or less, depending on where they were in their development. They don't just suddenly wake up one day and not need you to hold them and touch them. You may go months with no difficulties, then one day baby will decide saying goodbye really stinks and she can't live without you. This happens after they perceive the patterns of what happens every day, also because their cognitive developement proceeds along and suddenly they are more able to anticipate what will happen next. This may sound like dumb advice, but it's the best I can give you: If you enjoy the stage your baby is at right now -- then enjoy it, because it won't last. If you hate the stage she is going through right now -- then don't worry, because it won't last! Either way, they change constantly when they are very little. As infants they seem to go through different stages of development every couple weeks. As toddlers, it's more like every few months. As children, the stages last months or years. I felt your heartache when you wrote of crying when she cries. Oh boy do I remember that. The salty tears running into your mouth while you sing to them or talk to them to calm them. I know you would step in front of a train for your baby. The feelings are so intense it's almost unbearable. You get used to this intense love as baby gets older. Even with a high-school aged daughter my feelings can bring me to my knees but now I've learned to deal with them better! Just look at this as the next step for both of you, one of many you two will take together! It'll be okay. Does your baby have a favorite blankie? I encouraged all my children to use pacifiers and I sort of "arranged" it so that they had a favorite blankie. One son never did get into the favorite blankie thing. If you start when they are little they get used to it around. When my daughter learned to walk I taught her to lay her little blankie on her shoulders like a shawl. With her pacifier and blankie she had tools to calm herself when she needed to.

My doctor has also mentioned that usually cancer is not associated with pain. (Until much further along in the process of course).

For the baby, I mean. My friend's baby was going through the same issue, and out of frustration she tried letting baby sip from a cup and discovered it was satisfactory to baby. Some babies get nipple "confusion", some don't. Don't take it as a sign you're a bad mom -- you're NOT! This is just one of many, many many development issues you're going to have to deal with on a regular basis as a mom. Don't freak out every time, or your life will be one big freak out. Keep trying different nipples if you really want her to use a bottle. Different materials feel different in the mouth you know. Also, every baby is different in their sucking needs, too. For some it seems to be a real need and for those a pacifier seems to help. Even if you only use it at certain times like nighttime. (I don't know how the day care center feels about pacifiers though). As an experienced mom of three, working more often than not over the last 15 years, I can tell you that babies are wonderfully adaptive, and she will adapt to this situation. It does seem like forever when you are the parents going through it. In my own experience, the vast majority of my baby worries were really sublimated feelings about how conflicted I was about going back to work. My natural instinct seemed to be to take care of my babies, but sometimes that just isn't financially feasible. You have a singular advantage -- you will be literally steps away from your baby all day! Not hours away by freeway! In case of emergency, you are right there! You will have a very intimate look at how she spends her day. You'll know if it's been a good day, or bad day, and you'll have a better idea what to expect when you are with her at the end of the day. The other issue here may be your confidence in her care givers. I hired the best I could afford, at times I paid half my salary to my nanny (who was with us five years). But I knew that was only temporary, a few years at most. Personally I've found motherhood came at an expense to my career, which has now happened in fits and starts over the last 15 years. I'm sure other people may be integrating the two better than I have. Don't worry -- it will all be okay! You've given your baby a wonderful start with six months of breastfeeding! But breastfeeding is a stage in a baby's life -- it has to end at some point. You can still nurse her at evenings and nighttime too. She may also accept a cup (sippy or otherwise) from someone else besides you. Also I've learned many babies don't like warmed milk of any type but prefer it cold or room temp. Warmed is basically a preference we teach them when we offer it warm. Consider your options. If you nurse her immediately before starting work, and then immediately after, how much milk does she really need during the daytime? Would a small bottle of water do just as well? (Again, she may accept water in a bottle but not milk). Is she getting enough calories otherwise? Sometimes babies will accept different formulas from a bottle but not breast milk. I gotta tell ya -- passing on that bottle stage I think could really be a benefit and reduce a lot of hassle over the next few years. Good luck to you! Let us know how it goes!

Thanks so much for the opportunity to get this off my chest!! There are two people I work with, who are now sick, and they insist on coming to work and they both cough ALL DAY long. I know this sounds like such a trivial little annoyance but for some reason today it is really twisting my knickers. It is like a dripping faucet and it never ends. Usually I have much more compassion for sick people, but I don't understand why these two won't take cough medicine or at least suck on a hard candy or sip water or SOMETHING because this coughing is making me crazy. I think maybe it's just the continuous "background" noise here. I do very complicated, detailed accounting work and seem to be easily distracted by the three different radios going, the coughing, the talking, the cell phones (not to mention the office phones) plus the knucklehead salespeople who don't seem to be able to sit at their desk and make calls but prefer to prance up and down the hallway in front of my office. My personal favorite is the clerk who listens to the tv on her radio, and every day at 1pm we all "get" to listen to the I Love Lucy show. Jeez Louise I am so sick of that. I'm going to start shutting my office door, even though every time I do everyone gets all in my face about why I am doing it.......aarrghh! Thanks! I feel better!

Hello, you seem very thoughtful and it's good you are seeking help here. Just wanted to add -- I'm glad you mentioned you two are expecting a baby. In my opinion this could have precipitated a whole rush of feelings new to your wife, perhaps about security for herself and the baby in case of emergency, or about her doubts in herself of being able to adequately care for a baby. Especially if this is her first baby. It just causes all these new feelings to arise. And as much as I hate to admit it, I was a bit distracted and occasionally really stupid during all three of my pregnancies. Which could account for some of her frustration over these issues. Maybe her "money" issues are actually more related to impending motherhood and her (natural) dependence upon you to provide for her and her baby. (Yes I know it's your baby too, I'm only speaking from the maternal side). Finally, I think you might consider agreeing on exactly how much money she can spend on stuff that she buys. Regardless of whether she is earning money or not, she has legitimate needs. Let her know in advance just what amount the family budget can afford, and give it to her. I have friends in a similar situation, they have agreed on a family budget, he writes her a check once a month which goes into her checking account, which she spends as she sees fit. In this way, she is not continually holding out her hand, which puts her in a "down" position to you, the all-powerful wage earner! Also, in this way she can decide if that hair product is more important or if she's just gotta have another pedicure or whatever. Don't kill your marriage over this stuff. It sounds like you do a good job of treating her like the adult she is. Since she's worked for a living, she knows what's up here. Agreeing to stay home to raise children is an incredibly scarey decision for a lot of women. She knows in her heart how terribly important the job is, and she knows how tough it can be. It's about a 20-year job. After about 15 years of it, you can start looking around at other options again. Good Luck!

Novaseeker, you make some excellent points. I wonder, do you think childless marriages are more satisfying? (I mean specifically those couples that want to be childless, not those trying and cannot have children.) In my own marriage, we were doing okay until we started having children. Then all these other issues came into play -- more "expectations" from each of us about what a mother should do or a father should do. It brought in all this history from childhoods that previously had not overtly affected our marriage. I would think it would be easier in a lot of respects without having children, easier on the marriage I mean, because then you can each maintain that focus on each other. Having said that, I don't know that's necessarily such a good idea! Frankly I think women just go about the relationships all wrong. Men tend to think along the lines of integrating the woman into their lives, like a special little added piece of the pie that makes up their life. Women, on the other hand, make their spouse their ENTIRE life. Of course it's hard for men to complain about this, who doesn't want to be adored and slaved over? But at the same time it narrows the woman's world, it blinders her right down to the immediate needs of the man/family in front of her. This is a very timely discussion for me, yet I feel frustrated in my lame attempts to express myself. I'm fighting all these conflicting feelings right now. Divorce or don't divorce? Go to the job I love, or stay home and be with my children, who will only be around a few more years? Is it worth putting a renewed effort in to my dead marriage? Do people really ever change? Can I change? Am I stupid to hope for some type of fulfillment (what kind?) from this seemingly archaic institution? Can I learn to forgive and forget? Can I learn to forgive, period? I've read a lot of the Michele Weiner Davis books that are obsessively against divorce. That sure gives you a lot to consider. I've also coincidentally been reading a lot of the older feminist publications like "Second Sex" and Betty Freidan's stuff. My head is full of opinions and worries and concerns and guilt trips and rationalizations. Not to mention the regrets. So you can see why this question got my attention.....sorry I've rambled a bit here....just needed to vent a bit.....

I agree wholeheartedly with your comments pertaining to the expectations in marriage. However, with all due respect (having agreed with your opinions!) as far as I can tell, marriage as an "institution" was in fact created to ensure that MEN were fulfilled and happy. This had to happen in order to allow women some sense of safety and security. This was because women were literally handed over, from the responsibility of their father (or uncle/brother in father's absense) to the responsibility of their husband. Women were owned like cattle or slaves, and could be bought, sold, given away, or abandoned likewise. Any half-brained woman was going to ensure her husband's happiness, because her very life depended on it, much less the lives of her children or her family. While it is not this way now for most women, we as a society have not adjusted our concept of marriage to today's reality. Until we do, so many people will continue to suffer in agony through these relationships that they unwittingly expected to provide their happiness. In fact we are still raising our little darlings (particularly girls) to believe they are INCOMPLETE as human beings, and need a man to be "whole" or "complete" in their own life. This is the most ridiculous load I've ever heard. Only when women's issues have been settled in the home will they carry over into the workplace. We can force them in the workplace by passing laws, but that will never work in our homes. Basically we have to raise our children differently, particularly the girls. No easy task.

This is my opinion, folks. Let's just get that clear. I've been kind of eyeing this thread just to see where it all heads to, and I can no longer resist adding my "bitter two cents" as Dako likes to put it. I believe most (not ALL) marriages are NOT happy unions. We already know at least 50% are not, right? (because they get divorced). Of the other 50%, I figure at least half of them have decided to settle for less than what they bargained for. For a variety of reasons, but it is settling none the less. I believe this is because marriage as we now know it, is substantially unfair to women as a general rule. Particularly those women who were raised to believe they can have it all! Yes, you can have a career and be a mother, but to do this at the same time, and do both well, is extremely difficult. I also believe many men want a wife to be exactly like their mother, yet also bring in half the income for the family. Specifically, they want someone to cook and clean and run the household for them, but they also expect this wife to hold a full-time job on top of everything else. The only "successful" marriages I know of are the ones where the men have stepped out of their little cocoons and decided that it just doesn't take a vagina to do laundry, cook and clean, and care for children. That these are adult roles, not related to gender, and that it is unfair to load all these additional responsibilities onto one person. The main issue I see in most marriages is the lack of personal responsibility. Either the man wants to be totally taken care of by a combination mother/wife, or the woman wants to be totally provided for financially and emotionally. If only people would take care of themselves, be responsible for themselves financially, emotionally, in all ways, and learn to do this BEFORE getting married! Then they come into a marriage as two complete people, fully independent, not carrying around a bag of "needs", and can thus embark on a life together without one person totally sucking the other one dry.....

Good for you! Good Luck!

Yes, this is true. It is so easy to take people for granted. I've found that it's important that I feel respected. Having said that, I also think it's so easy to label something "love" when it's really just fear of being alone.

Yes, yes, this is it. I made the mistake of not "doing" this first too! And we can search forever, but we'll never find the mate for us, because when you don't think your own self is worth much, then who cares who you give your heart to? I have a relative who was trying to describe what was so attractive about a certain unemployed guy, and she actually said, "well, at least he's not a drug dealer." (her last boyfriend's occupation) And this has hung around in my head all these years. Is that really all it took for her to decide a man was worthy of her? Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating some stuck-up over weening phoney kind of person. But you do have to have some standards, on multiple levels. And they exist for different reasons, some safety reasons. For example, I just wouldn't feel very safe if my significant other was a drug dealer. And certain people are so good at using others -- that means your heart's not in a safe spot. This is the corny part: It's really important that at some stage in your life, you seriously consider qualities you need (and want) in a mate. In my opinion many people marry (either literally or figuratively) without ever truly considering this. (I did and I don't recommend this route.) Greg, be honest with yourself. Jot down some notes. Do the women you're dating fit anywhere on your schematic of ideals? Some of the qualities or characteristics you list may be somewhat flexible, like a continuum. But others may be written in stone. You need to know what the specifics are for you, so that when you learn more about certain women, you know when to draw the line. You set your boundaries for a lot of reasons, but you do have to do it. Being clear about some of this stuff will make life easier for you. You do that to protect your heart, but also to actually recognize and identify a good match for you, whether you are looking for a simple friendship or something more. I have one certain physical attribute that I absolutely must have in a mate. I did achieve that in my marriage. I never discussed the qualities in a good mate, much less my so-called "ideal" mate -- the one you're supposed to marry (which I did). I mean I never discussed this with my friends, or my parents either. It was kind of like, well, the guy likes me, so thereforeeee he must be the right kind of guy for me. Huh? This makes no sense. And wouldn't it have been smart for me to compare my "ideal" qualities with my husband, prior to marriage? I know there is some type of pre-marriage counseling weekend thing that probably walks you through this, but at that stage of the game, the decision's been made. I just mean, if only I'd had the self-confidence (self-worth?) to casually ask him what was important to him. I don't believe he ever thought about it either. Turns out he wanted someone a whole lot like Mom! Whad'ya know about that?

And I thought it was just me...... In my case it's a 44-year-old female *)&^%$# midlife whatsis.......

Yes! months and months and months..... Of course, we're only human. In my case, since I'm not talking brain surgery issues, it's no-harm-no-foul. Ya just keep going on with the plan. My only regret is not accepting the reality sooner and fought this battle years ago. Because deciding to "be different" starts with this internal battle. That battle doesn't end, ever. It just comes and goes, like the tide. I want to say yes (I'm still fighting my own battles you see) and I'm sure it does. But know this, you don't know exactly how you'll feel once you've changed your decisions. I had to make "tough love" choices as I've realized how much I "enable" my husband. (Jeez I hate these dumb physobabble words) Anyway, now that I've toughened up, so to speak, things still are not where I thought they would be in my marriage (in "happiness" levels). Before I decided to change, I wasn't exactly sure what I was expecting once I'd changed. I should have spent more time thinking about that. The "goal" of my change was to experience less pain. That goal was achieved, but now what do I do? Because now that I am where I am, is THIS where I want to be? Where do you want to be? But back to you -- if you are with a different type of woman, what would be different about you?

I also suffer from the issue you describe -- we realize what we are doing is harmful in some way, but we keep doing it! I was only able to move forward after internalizing this message I found in a Tony Robbins book (now don't poo-poo him, some of his stuff is valid, even for us non-affirmation types). The concept goes something like this: You will only make lasting change when you equate pain with what you are doing now, and pleasure with doing something else. If you are choosing to be around a certain type of person, and it's not working out for ya, choose a different type! It's easy now that you've identified your reluctance to do what you know, deep in your heart of hearts, you have to do! Some people go their whole lives and never gain this insight. I've found that my brain frequently figures things out llllooooonnnggg before my heart actually "lets" me act the way I know I should. thereforeeee I tend to feel guilty, (no more just like a loser!) when I don't make the choice I should. It does not matter what the issue is -- could be choosing a mate, choosing a meal, choosing anything! So not only am I miserable from the bad choice, I feel guilt (loserness) on top of that! My friend, don't do this to yourself! You deserve better! I have found that frequently the very thing I'm afraid of is not as hard or terrible as I imagined it would be. Do you have the opportunity to meet the kind of woman you'd like to get to know? If so, that's a huge good point. And when I use this term "internalizing" what I really mean is, marry that phrase. Think about it. Repeat it to yourself while you're doing some mundane chore and you can think about for a while. Think about why you really are making the (bad) choices you're making. Usually it's due to some fear we'd like to deny, ignore, or simply aren't even conscious of having. As an afterthought, maybe the difficulty you're having is in actually finding this "person" or "type of person" you have conceptualized in your head. Perhaps if you could be a bit more specific? Good luck to you! Don't give up!

In my experience, when someone has this attitude, reality is generally just the opposite. Why should Cranston's wife have sex with him when he obviously does not respect her? I can relate, not to Cranston, but to his wife. I won't have sex with my husband either. If he can't live without it, it's his problem, not mine. When I agreed to marry, at no time did I relinquish my personal rights to my own body. And if I don't want to share my body, I don't have to, married or not. And I don't share my body with people who hurt me. I think there's waaayyy too much denial going on here, Cranston, you really need to see a therapist ALONE and work on YOUR problems, including more than likely a problem with denied anger and resulting passive-aggressive behaviors that have driven your wife away. Only when you have your own self together will marriage counseling be effective for you both. It almost "smells" like you are the one actually wanting the divorce, and looking hard to be able to blame her for it....... I would be happy to provide more input from the woman's point of view here, if anyone actually wants to hear it. PS to Cranston, Poco's post -- it is RIGHT ON! I'll bet you could save your marriage if you actually took his advice.

Thank you all for helping me. I agree I cannot push him. When he actually told me, I could tell he was hurting and I was just holding him close to me and telling him how much I loved him. I was actually stunned that he opened up, b/c I don't push. I just assured him I would help and I would be there. My own therapist says, ask him if he wants to talk to someone and let him lead me. I guess that's what I will do.

Please, what do I do? My 11-year-old boy, under much loving pressure, finally admitted to me last night he feels depressed all the time! He says he feels overwhelmed. That everywhere he goes he is not good enough. That he feels like crap (his word not mine). Can someone please tell me, how do I proceed? Does therapy and counseling help boys his age? I am calm and adult on the outside but I am screaming in pain on the inside, knowing he is hurting is crushing me too.

No matter what else is going on, if you "argue a lot" as you put it, my opinion is, that is a big sign that all is not well. I suffer from anger issues myself, and I can sympathize, but that doesn't mean you need to be the one to "fix" his anger issues. I wish I had paid more attention to the constant arguing early on in my relationship. I've been married 20 years now and the arguing has never stopped....please, I don't mean to hurt your feelings, you are still very young and have years and years to find someone who will actually be fun to be with......I don't think you should offer yourself up to be the one to bear this particular burden, b/c that's what it will be for you. "Explosive anger" (your term) is one tiny step away from physical abuse....even if you've never seen him do it, do you want to be the one it happens to? And if he seems easily angered, how will he handle the normal stresses of everyday life? The emotional and mental abuse that comes from verbal abuse is often just as damaging to the victim as physical abuse. There's just no physical proof. Don't you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness? I think you do!

It is upsetting that my post defending myself from Dark's personal attack was deleted, but Dark's nasty posts were not. Meanwhile, this has just reinforced my feelings that it's really better to deal with this stuff on my own with live people.

Maybe. I shall think this over.

The main reason I have stayed with this therapist is he has met the husband and seen him in action during our marriage counseling. I felt this gave the therapist an edge in understanding what I was going through. However I do agree that he's simply hired help -- it's not like we're friends, and if he gives me bad advice it's no skin off his back. I have made progress under his care, I can't deny that. Maybe I'm ready to progress more (divorce?) but the therapist isn't?

Thanks Scout and Thanks BeyondtheSea. In the middle of all this I exchanged some bulls*()&t emails with the husband and jeez it just sets me off. How can he just send off these fancy little emails asking me what are my plans for the weekend, like everything is okay? Like we are a regular ol' happily married couple? He just doesn't even understand basic English, which is our first language by the way (even tho I get that for some of you it may not be!) My therapist says the fact that I still get hurt and angry means I am still attached to him. I think it just means I'm still available to him. I'm beginning to think a second opinion on the therapist front may not be such a bad idea....I wonder where I would be right now if I had not let his opinions color my decisions? The therapist's parents divorced when he was 16, and it crushed him, so he assumes it will do that to all kids. I'm sure to some extent it does. I understand that I need to be more clear in the help I am looking for her. I will work on that.

I think you are right. I'm sorry I got angry with you. I find I am occasionally unable to deal with it all.......sorry........

I never said you were the enemy. I'm sorry you feel that way. That is not the impression I intended to leave. Neither did I fly off any handle. I find Dark's personal comments unwarranted. None of you can possibly assess my character weaknesses by these posts. Anyone who thinks they can is only fooling himself or herself. I think it's okay for me to ask someone not to continue responding. I have every right to ask that, just as everyone else has every right to post whatever the hell they want. I'm not asking permission to leave my husband. I certainly don't need that from anyone much less someone I don't even know. Apparently I have posted in the wrong forum.

Perhaps it would be more helpful to share more about my marriage. The porn is not new but has definitely increased over the last five years, and he "blames" me since I am not fulfilling his sexual needs. I'll be honest and say the porn in and of itself I'm okay with, as an occasional "tool" or "toy" for couples. The problem I have is that he chooses to lock himself into his bedroom at all hours, choosing to be alone with his computer while the rest of us go without a husband or a dad. Like any other addiction, it has directly affected his "availability" to the rest of the family. Not to mention his comments that compare me with those well-paid and well-developed gals on the screen. Ya know, I just might want it more often if I was paid to do it too! (that's a joke people). He's never cheated (physically) that I know of. I do know that a few years back he was having online sex as he was saving his chat logs for later. I don't look at his computer activity any more. I'm pretty open sexually, more so than most I think, but some of the internet stuff is so disgusting, like shoving a woman's face in a used toilet during sex, it really revolted me and I don't want to be around anyone who wants to see that. Some of the girls are so young, undeveloped, what could possibly be sexually exciting in that? He lies to me and others. He does and says whatever he has to, in order to make himself look great and others not-so-great. He refuses to accept any personal responsibility. When money is tight, instead of looking for a new job, he pressures me to earn more or goes to his Dad with his hand out. Dad usually complies, too. (This of course is probably the whole source of most of his issues). He works as an independent consultant, resulting in no taxes coming out of his pay. Thus at year end, (when he has not made quarterly payments) we owe a bus load of money plus penalties, etc. Of course since I work as an employee, when the IRS needs to garnish wages for back taxes (that is, the year we "almost" divorced") the IRS comes after me not him. I have repeatedly told him clearly I expect him to pay his own taxes, make quarterly payments or have the companies voluntarily withhold, yet he refuses. Just like he refuses to establish any savings plans whatsoever, he refuses to save money for emergencies, he refuses to agree to any type of financial agreements at all. He spends freely on himself, especially at the computer store! He is frankly a slob and living with him is quite difficult. He refuses to pick up after himself. Understand this, we both work full time. Yet he thought it was okay to complain to me that his toilet, in his bathroom, was disgusting and had to be cleaned. I'm sorry, I missed that memo explaining he was unable to wipe up his own SH*&^% and that was my job. I solved all this type of stuff by hiring a housecleaner. Would you believe this guy actually told me I "don't have the authority to hire a housecleaner". I nearly fell over. Apparently after all these years, he truly believes the house is his to own, mine to clean, and I'm "allowed" to live there by the graciousness of his heart. You know just writing out all this stuff makes me mad. That's why I prefer to forget about it! I'm not talking about a few dirty socks on the carpet here. Even before I moved out of the bedroom, it was so piled with his crap and boxes of crap that there was barely a path from the bed to the bathroom. And that was only if you crawled off the end of the bed first. His stuff was overwhelming me. There's no way to clean around it. We are talking 2-foot tall piles on every flat surface in his room. It would be that way over the entire house if I let it. He leaves stuff everywhere. Brand new tools left on the lawn in the rain after he uses them once. He literally undresses anywhere in the house and leaves shoes, clothes, soda cans, whatever he had on him, right where they fall. And this man has the balls to discipline our children when their rooms aren't clean. I literally laughed out loud. He won't flush a toilet, shut a cabinet door. He won't lock the doors at night. He simply falls asleep at night wherever he is. There's no concept of locking up the house, turning off lights, shutting the garage doors, locking the pool gates. He just walks away, like he's three years old and it's someone else's responsibility. He won't maintain anything, not the house, not a car, he can barely manage to get himself a haircut every few months. He simply refuses to grow up. He treats me like he's a child and I'm his parent, like I'll take care of all the stuff he chooses not to do. How could I possible entertain the concept of having sex with him? Would you become intimately involved with a child? He's just a big ol' kid in a grown man's body. And it's nowhere near as cute as it looks on tv. I'm tired of being the only adult in the house. I'm tired of listening to his excuses about how nothing is his fault, he can't help it, everything about him is always due to someone else! Yep, I married a dud. I thought he would change, I admitted as much to him, I thought he would see, as he grew older, that much of what he did to himself was not helpful, and that he'd see that and make changes to improve himself. I didn't marry him expecting to change him, but I did expect that a maturity would happen, that when he experienced more of life, he'd want more out of it, and put aside the excuses and step up and be a man. In fact I've found the complete opposite. As our life demanded more of him, as it naturally does as we age & marry & have kids, he never stepped up. He's exactly the same as when we met in college. There has been no growth process, no maturing. He lives exactly the same and acts exactly the same. His life is all about him ("I can't eat chicken for dinner, I had it for lunch") and always will be. No, I don't see this becoming a happy, fulfilled marriage. He's not going to step up and become the adult I want. That would require entirely too much actual work and effort on his part. Yes, I contributed to this. Mainly by allowing it all to be okay in the first place. Yes, I withdrew sexually after a while. It was the only power I had in the marriage. Talking ,explaining, arguing, all this got me nowhere with him. He listens, but doesn't hear. Everything is twisted around to what it means to him, what it says about him. I've tried to make myself clear to him, writing letters in calmer moments, and his only response was that he can't wait to debate it with me. I declined. I'm not looking for a sparring partner. I'm looking for an adult. What kills me is that he likes to come accross as this capable, super-wonderful guy. You know, coaching the kids teams and treating them to pizza. Giving kids rides to scouting, etc. He is SOOOOOO nice and polite to everyone except his family. He'll literally be screaming at us, and if the phone rings he'll answer it right in the middle of it all and he turns into this lovable, caring, sweet talking guy who'll do anything for the caller. He is more polite to strangers on the street than he is to us. Yes, I know I deserve better treatment. Living with my decision is hard. Some days harder than others.