Lunabelle

Yes, it's possible.

The grass is always greener.....always! Always!

I don't have that. But I can suggest an interesting book on the subject: Grown Up Marriage by J. Voist It's not scientific, in fact she prefaces her book with the comment that it was not scientific research based but simply her own experiences, her own opinions, and those of many of her (white, middle class) friends and their marriages. I know there's some quoted stats in there but can't recall them right now. On the whole she's all for marriage and stickin' out the rough patches, but she presents all sides somewhat fairly. After I read it, I did have a lot stuff to think about, though, which is the point after all. Also Betty Friedan's book on aging goes into this stuff at length and does indeed quote stats. My college friend says this is still seen as a pivotal book in her field.

Yes! Yes, you're right, I'm aware that this is a valid reason given by many. The problem is, just what foibles are acceptable? How hurt can we be and recover from it? Why is it that something we tolerate for ages can suddenly become untolerable? I also recognize that my responses to you are tinted, you might say, by my own (currently quite unsatisfactory) marriage. The problem with this thought though, is that it may never come to fruition. You may decide to tolerate foibles only to be dumped years later. Also, there is some level of added stress on yourself even when you do agree to "tolerate" differences. Thanks for really listening. I appreciate that.

Free this sounds like you are getting closer to the truth here. It can certainly be disappointing to discover your special someone is not the parent you hoped them to be. Remember that some people take a while to warm up to parenting.....you two have only had a go at this less than a year. Also, some people like certain stages of child development better than others. I really enjoyed my children as infants, but the toddler stage was too much for me! Whereas other parents might be thrilled to get out of that infant stage. Your husband may be having a difficult adjustment to the responsibilities of parenthood. Then again, he could be depressed. Then again.... I donno' it's so hard to say. It just doesn't seem like you are puting undue pressure on him. It sounds like he is fed up and hurting too. Would he consider couples therapy? How long has it been since the two of got away for a weekend for two? You know you do have to keep working at the marriage. It can only wait for so long. Why did your doc rule out PND absolutely? Just curious. Free, I think I made some big mistakes with my marriage when issues like this started cropping up....feel free to PM if you want.

LOL! This is the point, in a nutshell. I'm so glad you post on this board Dako. You crack me up!

Then stop worrying! It will all be okay! If that's really how you feel, what difference does it make if she's a virgin? Even if she's not, that doesn't necessarily mean she'll be "skilled" at what ya'll are thinking about doing. Since she knows you are a virgin, she can't very well be expecting some over-the-top performance out of you. Like any other learned skill, making love takes practice! Of course you are nervous, just like the first time you drove a car, or asked a girl out. Doing new stuff makes you nervous. Doing new intimate stuff makes you crazy. Try to go a bit easier on yourself. Take the whole race card out of play here, too. Or am I missing the relevancy?

Oh, Oh slightlybent you must be referring to my post #44. I did not mean to imply YOU are stupid, not at all. I do absolutely disagree with the idea of staying in a bad marriage as some sort of "old age" loneliness insurance. That's just not a good idea. Why do you think most people are happily married or widowed when they die? That's an interesting concept, but again, a gross over generalization.

Slightly bent, I apologize, I certainly had no intention to flame you. And by no means is this a "flame war". I was offended that you referred to posts as "nonsensical generalizations" when in fact your post included them too... But seriously, I am curious about how you came to these conclusions about elderly people. My friend is currently about to graduate with a degree in Elder Studies, and your points are actually contrary to what she tells me she is learning about married seniors...and of course we'll all be older at some point, so it's only natural that we explore our attitudes and possible mis-conceptions about aging. I don't see the post about someone calling you stupid, I must be missing it, but I can see where that would hurt you and I understand your feelings.

That would be lovely! Any idea when I can expect that to happen?

Look, baby-making is serious hormone work and I've heard someone say it can take years for your body to truly recover. It can also be that you are experiencing all these new feelings that you did not expect -- feelings of vulnerability you may not have experienced before. The reality of your marriage hits with sudden force when baby comes. You may also be suffering from doubt about your own parenting abilities. You don't mention any specifics about your baby, but sometimes babies arrive and are not at all what we expected! Deep in our heart we wanted a girl, but didn't admit it out loud, and then we got a boy! These are natural feelings. Or maybe baby is a fussy, demanding, overly anxious type. The reality of motherhood, and married motherhood, rarely matches our dreams, desires, expectations. It's okay to suffer some while you re-align reality to your feelings (or vice versa!) Your husband, no doubt, is also experiencing feels he may not have been prepared for. The new parent exhaustion factors in too. You don't mention any financial issues, but generally there's some type of adjustment necessary on someone's part in that area. Congratulations! The best thing you have done is admit out loud you feel angry. The next thing for you to do is find out what's underneath all that anger. Could it be you have unresolved issues with your own childhood? Could it be you now view your own parents in a new light? As my daughter gets older (she's 15 now) I find that I have all these old, unexplored issues with my parents relating to my own teenage years. Enough so that I went two months without speaking to them, I was that angry. But to what end? They're old, I'm not going to confront them or solve those old issues. Nonetheless, they did abandon me when I was a teenager, and it still hurts me to think about it. It just doesn't ruin my day. I could not encourge you enough to find a therapist and explore these feelings. Even a good long chat with a true friend can help. Feeling depressed even though nothing horrible has happened is not that unusual....but depression can be caused by many medical issues too. Check with your doctor. Don't give up. I feel your hurt. If you are depressed, just thinking positive thoughts is not going to help you much. Won't hurt, although it may frustrate you especially if you think you "ought" to be happy. I think for a first baby, it's quite normal to focus almost exclusively on the pregnancy and the birth and then when baby finally arrives, it's almost anti-climactic. Kinda like, now what do I do? Now what I look forward to? Please try to be kind to yourself. Please try to be honest with yourself. I would also like you to be a happily married Mom! You deserve that and so does your baby. Not to mention hubby.

Is it possible for you to edit your post, the purple, while cute, is very hard to read and looks tiny. Also, splitting up the post with line breaks is very helpful. You may get more responses if people can read your post easier (?) Good luck!

What was the last movie you saw? What was the last music you bought? (you did BUY it, yes?) ha ha What's your favorite web site? Where's your favorite place to go on vacation? What do you do when you get there? How many hours do you usually work in an average work week? Do you have any pets? Do you have any children? What do you do for a living? What was the last book you read? Magazine? Newspaper? When was the last time you went to a public library? Why did you go? Do you like to cook? What do you like to eat? Does speed dating make you nervous? Have you tried it before? How much time do you spend alone? How much time do you spend watching television every day on average? What do you think of George Bush? Do you live alone? Do you like it? Do you attend church? Do you believe in God? If you could have any job in the world, what would it be? Do you answer your cell phone while the checker is ringing your groceries? What's your personal motto? Do you have an avatar? What's it look like? Why did you select it? Where do you shop?

You would hate it more if they did not care about you or what you did. You would hate it more if you didn't know where your parents were, or when you'd see them again, or how to contact them. This is the reality for lots of kids your age. You would hate it more if you end up pregnant with no where to go because you have no parents, or bad parents who don't properly tend to their teenager. Don't hate them for doing their job. That's dumb. There's good reasons why they protect you. You're not showing a whole lot of mature decision making in this post. Birthday? Get him a CD. Bake him cookies. Take him out to a nice dinner. You say you won't have sex, then there's no need for the privacy you're looking for. If you insist on this, you may find yourself in a situation you claim you don't want, but will be forced to deal with.

Yes, I have recently been reading about this too. It seems to have some connection to the finality of the marriage, the relationship becomes more "real" or more permanent when tied by legal bonds. Some authors suggest couples who do NOT live together have a greater chance at happiness in marriage because of this.

What elders are you referring to? This sounds like a slight generalization here.....or maybe you're just posting nonsensical generalizations? LOL are you kidding? We weren't bitter to begin with. Compromising people compromise nothing but themselves. NO, no they are not. Where do you get this stuff? Good luck with that, fact is, there are certain ways of behavior that are predominantly male or female. Of course there are exceptions, all the time.

Personally my resentment comes in for a few reasons. One, because I'm expected to assume this responsibility on top of everything else in life. We both work, and then I get to come home and work too. Two, because he assumed from the moment we married that it would be my responsibility without taking one second to actually consider why, or how I felt about it. Three, because when he takes care of his PERSONAL dishes or laundry, he acts like he's "helping" ME and I should be so grateful for it! I highly suggest simply hiring help as Scout mentioned. This solves many problems.

Put up with years of an unsatisfying, even hurtful relationship because I'm afraid to be alone when I'm old? No way. That's just stupid. Relationships are supposed to improve the quality of your life. And know that a lot of older people are RELIEVED when their spouse passes on. This assumption that older married people are all happy is just wrong.

Wow, I am impressed, you are pretty darn articulate and clever for such a young person.....I enjoyed your post even though it hurts to read it, I know the truth in what you wrote. I also suffer from this condition, it's a self-protection measure we undertake when things get too painful. It is a rough lesson to unlearn. Thank you for sharing.

Yes, you understand me perfectly. ...a day or two or ten or eighty......even if I regret losing the friend...this is the reality. I am ashamed of it. I am also very tired of trying to explain my depression, most people don't get the depth of it so they really don't understand. Or they think you're referring to the blues, which just is not the same. Particularly hard to come up with excuses for people you don't know too well and don't want to get into the whole depression thing. The problem is that by the time I actually "feel" like interacting with someone, which may be weeks later, they're already pissed off and want to know why I didn't return their call. It's hard to tell them you just don't give a fig about them or anything else when all you really want to do is die.......so you just make lame excuses and hope they buy it. I know, some of you are sitting there saying, call anyway, it doesn't matter how you really "feel" about making the call....well that's true if it's a life-and-death matter, then yes you have to return the call...but if it's not, it just doesn't break through my protective screen. And unfortunately when I have really tried to press myself and be friendly when I feel very UNfriendly, I sometimes say really stupid stuff and things get worse.......yucky.

Yes, I am guilty of this. No, I often do not return phone calls. Particularly when struggling with depression. It drives my friends and family CRAZY. And I've lost a fair number of friends this way I wouldn't necessarily suggest it.

Yes, sorry, see my post #21.

Legend, it appears you don't actually understand the links you just quoted. Also I believe we've gotten off the issue here, sorry about that. But if you want to start a new thread on the subject, I'd be more than happy to help you understand this more. Frankly your age tells me a lot. It's very convenient at age 20 to believe what you believe. Good luck with that.

Ya, it says sex to procreate -- that means to make more humans. If humans didn't make more humans, hmmm that wouldn't work would it. So, yes, it is a need from the standpoint to not ending mankind. It is NOT a physical need like food, water, sleep. Otherwise all those men over the centuries who've taken a vow of celibacy (no catholic priest jokes here please!) would have died due to their needs not being met.

Legend, please let me get this straight -- you're taking your sociological psychological information from studies done in 1943? Do you see anything wrong with this? In 1943, women were told to smoke cigarettes during their pregnancy. In 1943, black people were made to use different toilets. Can you show me a study done in the 1980's or 1990's that says this?