sweetheart230

Maybe ask them to study with you sometime or something like that? That sometimes turns into something.

Well it depends on what you mean by nice. A lot of times "nice guys" have a tendency to get walked on and be doormats. That's not cool. Being too accomadating can suggest desperation. We lose respect for people who bow down to us, so to speak. Don't stop being nice, but stand up for yourself and have confidence. Jerks usually do have confidence, unfortunately, and thats what gets them the girls. Don't start being a jerk. Being yourself is definitely more attractive. But girls like guys who seem confident and some girls like guys who are bold. If you have a lot of confidence in yourself you'll do really well.

You have to make the decision to stop hating yourself and being disgusted with yourself. Its so easy to stay in that cycle, but it hurts so much, too. You should be proud of yourself for getting out of those bad situations, and happy that because you went through this, you know better than to ever do that to yourself again. I have horrible memories, too. I got used by immature boys...one of which took my virginity when I was blacked out drunk. My ex told me he wasn't attracted to me one night and that he had been screwing his ex girlfriend the night before when he stood me up. The first time we had sex, it hurt so bad that I started shaking and I made him stop..then he asked for a blow job (which i didn't do), and when it was all over, he just left me all alone. I can't count the times he made me cry or the promises he broke. A couple months ago, I thought I could never forget those things. I thought I'd never want intimacy with another man forever. I thought no man would even want me again and that maybe it was never going to get any better. But memories fade, too. We can't avoid pain, but we can rise above it, heal from it. Sometimes we just have to cry to let it out, but then we realize that those horrible men in our past are pitiful. They will never be happy. We will be happy if we let ourselves move on. I'll never forget those things. But what has helped me move on from it was, when a memory like that would pop up, rather than letting it cut through me like it usually did, I started to think about how much better it would be from now on. How the next man in my life would stop when I said stop, take his time. How the next time someone said bad things to me, I would hang up the phone or walk away. The past is the past. It's gone. When you learn that you can control the "now". You will make new memories, one that will make the old ones an afterthought.

Yeah, I agree. I think the solution is, the smarter you are, the smarter your man should be. I hate to say it, but guys just like to feel big and powerful and smart. This way, you don't have to act stupid, he'll feel like a man and everyone wins! And phony dumbing down is just stupid. I certainly don't do it, I guess I'm just kinda naive naturally.

Well maybe you should do something about your balls being the size of pineapples first. I'm not joking. It will probably relax you. But anyway, put things into perspective. I fear rejection, too, but the fact of the matter is, IT DOESNT MATTER AT ALL. Seriously. It affects you as much as you let it. What's the worse thing that happens? You feel stupid? Have you felt stupid in the past? Did it kill you? I realized recently that I made a huge * * * * * of myself in front of every single guy I've ever liked. I mean I really embarrassed myself in front of each and everyone of them (on a date or at some point), and i felt stupid, but in th elong run it had no affect on my life. Feelings fade. Regret stays around a lot longer. You can sit around being scared or you can think to yourself "she wont' reject me (why would she), but if she does, it doesn't matter anyway". Think about it this way. She may be sitting there waiting for you to make your move. And she'll be delighted when you do. And if she is not, for wahtever reason, the right girl for you then you can move on...you took a risk, it didn't work out so now you can move on instead of obsessing over her and find someone who IS right for you.

I guess I just feel judged a lot. I feel like unless I look good, no one will give me the time of day. I feel like I have a lot to offer on the inside, but no one will want to see it unless they like how I look on the outside. Like if I flirt with a guy, unless I feel especially pretty, I always think he'll think I'm stupid and wonder how I could think he would want me. Then I'll go back to my room and see that I actually look alright and feel better. I think the hardest part is not that I have to look perfect, but the fact that I'm always wondering if liking the way I look is all in my mind. Like maybe everyone else sees something different than I do. I think sometimes it has to do with the fact that I always thought I looked good around my last guy and when we were arguing, he told me he wasn't attracted to me at all. Albeit, he said that after I told him he probably couldn't get it up for girls, which was a horrible thing to say.

Well, that's not exactly a good reason to leave. You should probably base your decision on where you would be happiest and who you want to live with.

I know its bad that I'm fixated on my appearance. I hate being this fixated on it. Thank you for your advice. It actually reminded me that I don't care about what I look like when I'm painting (meaning, I'm happy). And, Dako, btw, I saw your picture when you posted and you look fine. Nothing wrong with how you look.

Two years ago I embarrassed myself on a hot date the day before v-day, and last year, two days after valentine's day my ex called me just to "see if i was there". we started seeing each other again right after. another disaster. figures he'd call me after he doesn't have to buy me something. but my mom always does something nice for me on that day and friends send me little cards that I paste up on my wall. so i suppose I like valentine's day. And when I do get married or whatever, it'll be a good excuse to do something special.

Actually, I've heard that its a lot more common for a woman to stay with a cheating man, and a man is a lot more likely to break up with a woman over infidelity. This is because men place more of an emphasis on the sex act than women do and its more territorial for them.

This is going to sound really bad. I have this obsession with physical looks that is overtaking my life. It literally dominates my entire life. I look in the mirror all the time. I can hardly function unless I feel beautiful. Well, I mean I go to classes and see friends sometimes, but I won't make eye contact (or any contact, for that matter) with a man unless I feel beautiful. It was a huge step for me last night when I made a new friend in class even though I didn't think I looked good at all. I caught a really bad flu, and I still refuse to leave the room without makeup...and do really hard workouts (an hour of running) and only eat one meal a day, because I feel big. I look in the mirror constantly. And its not enough that I look good in one mirror. There are three mirrors in my room and one in the bathroom, and I check myself in each of them before I leave, and then if I have time I check myself in the bathroom mirror before class. When I'm in class, I'm always wondering how I look and can't wait to check the mirror again to confirm that I still look good, or to see if I don't look as good as I thought. There was a cute guy in my class who sat next to me and when we were supposed to work with partners, he looked at me first, but I felt big because I wore a pink sweater that made my shoulders look big so I just ignored him and he partnered with the girl on the other side of him. Unless I feel like I look amazing, I never think a guy's flirting with me, I just think he's probably being friendly. I'm constantly doubting myself. Even when I think I look good, I keep having to reassure myself in the mirror. I feel great sometimes when I leave the room (having checked myself in four mirrors), but then once I get into class I'm fixated on the idea that it was all an illusion and I actually look really bad. I keep staring at pictures of myself wondering if I really look like that or if it was just a good angle, or if I just want to be pretty so bad that my mind believes I am, even when I am not. Thinking back, I've always been insecure, but since about age 17, I've never had a problem with my looks. I'd had problems with boys, but not until my first horrible relationship did I ever obsess about my looks (he said I wasn't attractive...and then stuck around for another year and a half, so who knows). Ever sicne then I've been completely and utterly obsessed with the way I look. He took back what he said later. This is what is holding me back. I won't even flirt with guys anymore. Its a big deal for me to smile. I always had boys like me in high school, when I was less attractive. But I can't bring myself to have confidence or stop this obsessive behavior. I know that I have a lot more to bring to the table than the way I look. Otherwise, I'm happy with myself and with my life. But this obsession is literally overtaking my life. It's all I can think about. Anyone have any advice on how to get through this? Thanks.

Maybe I was a little unclear. I don't dumb myself down, or think that's the answer. I have a friend who does this and is unsuccessful with men. Not that I'm a raging success either, but I admit when I don't know someone, I don't have everything all together, I'm vulnerable sometimes and I do need help sometimes. In other words, if theres a heavy table that needs to be moved, I let a guy move it for me. If I can't open my bottle of turpentine for painting, I let the guy next to me do it. When I don't know if I'm getting on the right train I ask someone (one night it just happened to be a very attractive man and I met the nicest guy ever). And when I go on dates, I let them drive and pay (and I make sure they know I appreciate it). I expect to go out and work (at least until I have kids). I'm an economics major, so I'm not stupid. But I lack common sense sometimes. My ex thought some of the dumb things I said were charming, sometimes. Men like to feel useful. I'm sorry if independent women don't like it, but a little bit of vulnerability is not only ok, but it makes you human. Deep down, you all know you want to be taken care of in one way or another. Well most men want to take care of you. They probably saw their fathers taking care of their mothers and feel that in order to be a man, they must do the same. I remember reading once, if you let a man behave like a cad, a cad he will be. If you expect him to be a prince, then he will be. A man will do only as much as you expect of him. Expect much.

I can identify. Last year, I was involved with someone emotionally abusive who played games with my feelings. And after time away, he promised he'd changed only to hurt me again. I went from loving him, to hating him, to thinking it was my own fault he treated me badly, to hating myself for letting him treat me this way, to feeling used up, angry, depressed, and all the while missing him like crazy. He once told me that I made it so easy for him, that i was "easy prey". I would remember some of the things he said and did to me and just cry and want to die. I thought I'd never be happy again. But I'm healing now. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You made some mistakes. There are bad people in the world who take advantage of vulnerability. Not everyone is bad. These bad feelings--- they will go away. That's the thing about feelings. They fade away, even the really hurtful ones. Life is too short. These feelings won't go away right away, but they will begin to get weaker and weaker. I've had some bad men hurt me, but I've learned from all my experience and I know it will be better from now on. It will be better for you, too, if you let it. I'd say work on yourself and being happy. Find out what makes you happy, maybe try counselling. Move forward. These men aren't worth your time or thought. They are losers. You are not. I felt ashamed of some of my past behavior, too. I thought I'd never stop hating him or myself. Sometimes, it just takes time and things have to run their course. Make new friends, get involved with things that you enjoy...it will keep your mind off of your problems, and then suddenly you'll realize that those bad feelings are hardly there anymore.

Mom's just want the best for you. Some moms are mean in the way they express this sometimes, though. You have to realize, though, that its just her way of loving you. My mom told me once that if I hadn't grown up to be pretty she would have made me get plastic surgery. She also said that I should marry before thirty cause thats when I'll get fat. She doesn't mean it in a mean way, thats just how it comes out. She probably doesn't even realize it sounds like an insult. You should tell her that you are happy with your body and that as long as your healthy, she should stop being concerned b/c its making you feel bad.

Oh my goodness! I've been asking over and over the same question, except I wonder why I dont' get asked out all the tiem by guys. I know I'm very pretty and lots of guys are attracted to me. But girls are shy, too! And if you're as handsome as you say you are, then they are probably terrified of you rejecting them. Sometimes I actually avoid especially cute guys out of nervousness. I realized I had to flirt, be more open and friendly looking. Guys are expected to make the first move, traditionally. Just smile, make eye contact and strike up conversations about anything. Girls will love it! And if they don't, they are probably in a bad mood or already have a boyfriend.

Well if you're kissing someone who's more experienced, I'd say follow their lead. People generally like to be kissed the way they kiss. If you don't know, or they aren't experienced, I'd say just start slowly. Don't open your mouth too wide, don't use too much tongue. Just tease with your tongue a little, and then when you get more into it, find a rhythm. Most importantly, just be in the moment. Don't think about it too much. Just enjoy yourself! I was terrified my first kiss would be awful, but it was fine. He didn't even know it was my first kiss and I knew absolutely nothing!

I don't know, cause I'm not a guy, but I think it might be because men are intimidated by girls who seem to have it all together. In my experience, even men with high self esteem, feel bigger and stronger when they're helping a woman. It strokes their ego and makes them feel important. This can come to extremes, and in this case its not healthy at all. But most guys like to feel useful and superior and like a man. And it makes them feel like a man to help a woman. In other words, many men feel emasculated by a woman who can "do it all". A lot of vulnerability and neediness is really unhealthy (and they guys who dig these superclingy, helpless girls are either nuts or desperate), but a little bit of vulerability makes a man feel bigger and stronger. I don't know why, but exposing some my own vulerabilities with men (naivte, being stupid in some areas, being unable to open my own bottles) usually makes me more endearing to them. When I was superneedy emotionally, though, I got bad guys. So there's a happy medium.

Well eventually I'd like to meet someone to settle down with. I'm not in any rush, but I'd like it to happen sometime.

The best I can say is just take one step at a time. When I transferred to my school, I made friends with my roommates friends, but this year I didn't have a single friend (we sort of broke apart). So I didn't look too far ahead at me and took baby steps. I did what I needed to do at the moment. We all have days where everything goes wrong. Those seem to happen on days when we're tired, sick or nervous. Just keep your eye on the ball. Don't think about things too much; just live moment to moment and things will just sort of fall into place until you get used to your school. Later you can concentrate on your future. But for now, just focus on the now.

I don't have a booming social life. Last year I went to parties and drank a lot. This year, I kind of do my own thing. I don't have tons of friends, but I have a few that I really like a lot. I'm pretty busy with studying, work, staying in shape and other stuff like that. I don't really do school activities because there's nothing I'm interested in. But I'm planning on taking guitar, tennis or sailing lessons this summer (money's an issue right now). I've worked through two of my biggest issues: self acceptance and getting over him. I feel much better. But I wonder if I should work harder at my social life and meeting people. I came to the conclusion that once I am happy, it will just fall into place. Once I was ready for love, love would just come. But maybe I'm making a mistake. I don't meet a whole lot of people in my daily life, so I guess I wonder if I should make more of an effort and go to parties and make lots of friends. To be honest, I'm feeling pretty content right now. But what if I regret later in life that I did not seize the opportunity to make friends and meet lots of guys when I was young. Everyone says that a girl my age should have like three boyfriends and go out on dates like crazy. Should I really be working toward that? Is the only real way you get yourself out there and find love to work hard at having a social life? Or should I just continue working toward happiness and trust that the rest will just fall into place naturally? In other words, I guess I'm asking, what worked for you? Is it ok to trust that things will fall into place if I just relax or should I work harder at this whole dating thing?

I'm sorry your parents were so mean to you growing up. it sounds awful. i'm not completely sure what to tell you, other than to understand that obviously your parents have a lot of problems and were insensitive. how they feel about you is not a measure of your success...how you feel about you is a measure of your successes and it sounds like you should be proud of yourself. Although you may never be able to forget about your past, you can rise above it and move on from it. I was emotionally abused by my ex. Obviously it isn't nearly as bad as what you've suffered, but I was able to move on from it by realizing- and telling myself over and over again- that I was amazing no matter how he treated me, and everything he said was a reflection of himself, not me. Also, counselling, if it is available to you, may also help.

This is kind of embarrassing. Sex is on my mind. A lot. Maybe its normal considering my age. Like if I sleep in, I wake up thinking about it. And then throughout the day, it pops into my mind. Quite a bit. I guess this is weird, because I'm very sexually inexperienced and my only sexual experiences have been somewhat subpar. But I love foreplay, and that eventually led to (very bad) sex a couple times with my jerk ex. And the touching and kissing and stuff is on my mind more than I like to admit. I don't miss him anymore, surprisingly. But I miss his touches and his kisses. Maybe its just the physical closeness I miss. Casual encounters aren't a good solution because after its over, I'm left feeling lonley and I just want to snuggle up with someone who means something to me. But I keep thinking about it. When I'm at work, when I'm painting, when I'm in class, when I'm with friends. Even when I'm reading. I don't even drink anymore because the last time I almost hooked up with someone's boyfriend. I want to take my time and find someone naturally...I don't want to force it. But sex is on my mind all the time. I want to stop wanting sex so badly. Touching myself isn't even a very good option because I want physical closeness and kisses and touches, too. I was ok for a while, but then my friend sent me a picture of this girl who she thought was really pretty. I'm very secure in my looks...I believe I'm very good looking, but I started feeling insecure again. And then I started thinking about my ex again, and the way he touched me and I'm going crazy. I just really really like hooking up. I don't know how to curb this feeling, because its driving me nuts and making me feel pressured into finding a boyfriend, and I hate that feeling. Any advice on how to get back on track would be great. I've made so much progress in the last few months and I've worked on myself esteem and confidence levels, but sex is on my mind all the time.

Well, I used to be like you were, too. And I realized this, and I've said this many times: when I am happy I just attract people. When I'm not, people avoid me like the plague (which was pretty much most the time). I started feeling a lot better when I started concentrating on other things (schoolwork, activities, my job, hobbies) because it gave me less time to think about me and my problems. Just don't make it your goal to make friends and date girls. Make it your goal to just get to know people better.

Start getting involved in activities. Take classes that interest you. It was hard for me to make friends. Sometimes it still is. One thing I've noticed is when you're sad and depressed, people sense it and it kind of pushes them away. You shouldn't be so dependent on your boyfriend, although its great that you have someone. There have to be school activities you'd enjoy. At my school, there weren't any, but I started taking classes that I really liked, such as acting and studio art classes. I made friends in those classes. Maybe find a job as well. I mean I don't have a ton of friends, but I'm happy. Being happy is sort of a state of mind. And by the way, my only family is my mom also, and I really only have one friend from back home who is very mean to me sometimes and always brags about how tons of guys want her all the time (while I was sitting alone getting over a bad relationship, by the way). I get frustrated with it, too. But the most important thing I've learned, is if you're happy and doing things you love and enjoy, things happen very naturally. Just relax, do things that make you happy and the rest will come. Trying too hard just makes you pissed off. Also, start working harder in school. It makes you feel better about yourself when you get good grades, and will give you something to concentrate on other than yourself and what is bad about your life.

Thanks...i guess i just worry i'll never find anyone. i'm not the only one, but it feels so overwhelming sometimes.