sweetheart230
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I have no reason to be, but I am. I'm scared I'll never feel the same way again. He was horrible and hurtful to me, and a selfish, inconsiderate lover, but sometimes it felt really amazing to be with him and I have this plaguing fear that I will never find anyone who makes me feel that way again. Sometimes I get scared that I'll never even be kissed again or feel close to a man again. Its an irrational fear, I know. He was the first guy I've ever cared about romantically. I'm shy and have trouble reaching out to people. So did he and maybe thats why we both hung on for so long. I want to change. I'm so scared of never feeling passionate and intimate with someone again. Sometimes I think that if I just work to make myself happy, everything will just fall into place. But that thought almost scares me. If I am happy by myself, will I lose my motivation to find someone else? Having motivation to find someone hasn't really done me much good so far, though. I know this sounds whiney. I think I'm just tired. Its my second day back at school and I havn't slept well because my roommate is sick and coughs all night long. Now I'm getting sick and she won't let me listen to music or watch TV in the room and I have to keep the lights off so she could sleep all day. I try to stay out of the room and leave a window cracked open, but she closed it and I'm starting to catch her cough and sore throat. Maybe I'm just feeling down cause I'm getting sick. I'm not sure why I feel so incapable of finding love, why it seems so easy for some people.
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Unless your totally completely sure that she likes you back, I might take a different approach. Let her figure it out, but don't make it too hard! Maybe mention a movie you want to see and see if she might want to go with you. Or if you have a class together, see if she wants to study together. One on one time is good. Take a little time to get to know her and see if she feels the same way (she should let you know through the way she's acting)...then telling her that you like her will be spontaneous.
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Girls are so weird at that age. I remember it really well. They're just really insecure and unsure and they are testing things out at this point. I remember I did the dumbest things to get this guys attention that I had a huge crush on, but I would just ignore him and not say anything at all to him when we were by our lockers at the same time. In retrospect, it was stupid. And the guy probably thought I was insane and unfriendly and unstable. Don't let it get to you or think about it too mcuh. The more you think about it, the more it will bother you and the more it bothers you, the more awkward your interactions will be. If you just act like everything's cool and act natural, it will work out one way or another. Look for indications..is she flirting with you? If she is, flirt back. Does she seem receptive to you? Start talking about what you're doing this weekend and see if she seems interested. If she's super shy, liek I was, then that might not work. But its definitely worth a shot, and odds are if you are natural and easygoing with her and let her know subtly that you might be interested, she'll respond.
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It sounds like you've put a lot into this. Its kind of hard, but you're doing your best and that is good enough. It doesn't matter what your school band or anyone else says. If you love playing, then keep playing. Do it for yourself. Sometimes life isn't fair. That shouldn't stop you from enjoying your life. You sound like you have a great life. And if you love music and playing, keep doing it. If your just sick of it, take a break and maybe go back to it. Don't stop doing something you love or getting frustrated because someone else doesn't say you're the best. Who cares what anyone else says if it makes you happy?
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Well, I'm not all that experienced in the beginning stages of dating. I am somewhat shy, extremely shy around new men. Once I feel comfortable with a guy, I warm up very quickly and men usually like me a lot. I guess I don't know how to begin dating someone, especially since I am in school. The whole process kind of confuses me. I don't know how you go from meeting someone to him asking you for a date or to hang out. Once I'm on a date, or one on one with a guy I know how to handle myself (and have learned from past mistakes). But getting there is a challenge for me. I've never met someone in a normal way...the few times I have gone out its usually been set up by someone in one way or another. I met one person online, and I'd really like to try other ways before doing that again. In college classes, I'm not sure how to get to know someone better, either, since I'm usually listening to the lecture most the time. Even when I do talk to someone, we usually have a great conversation, but then we don't really hang out outside of class...i feel like they probably have friends and stuff to do things with. especially with guys, I feel weird saying lets hang out sometime unless they indicate they want to. I've learned that I do not flirt much unless really drunk, and don't notice when guys are interested in me. But I just wonder if flirting with them is enough. How do you go from flirting to him asking you out? What makes a guy want to ask you out on a date after talking to you? I know I appear intimidating sometimes. But I don't know how it goes from flirting to "lets go out sometime". Sometimes I'll talk to a guy and he seems interested, but nothing comes of it and I wonder if I should be doing more. Maybe I'm misinterpreting signals. Like at work, this guy was buying stuff and then asked me to show him something for his stepmom. It seemed like he was kind of hitting on me (kind of askign dumb questions and he seemed a little nervous), but after he payed for his stuff he left. I smiled and laughed and stuff, but maybe I should have done more or maybe he wasn't interested. Once I'm on the date, I'm great and I have a good time. But flirting only comes naturally to me when I'm happy. Sometimes I think that if I'm just happy and open and warm to people it will just happen naturally and guys will just start asking me to go out or hang out. But if there's something I should be doing differently, I'm eager to know! Thanks everybody!
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Something happened and I don't get it
sweetheart230 replied to Max1's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
I feel lonley too sometimes. I used to miss my ex a lot. I know that when you feel this way, you just want to be happy, but you just don't know how to do it. I have learned I have to start reaching out to people more and not being afraid of rejection so much. I would say, start by doing things you enjoy. Maybe pick up a hobby or something, or take a class at a community college of something that interests you. Figure out what makes you happy and what you enjoy. Do things that involve other people. Instead of watching TV, go read a book at the bookstore or coffee shop. Go to a gym or learn a new sport. Volunteer. Talk to strangers. I tmight not turn into anything, but its nice to connect with people. As for missing your ex, it just kind of has to run its course. I broke down a million times before I reached the point that I am now. I still want to see him sometimes and I remember getting to a point when I was actually proud of myself for not thinking about him until 11AM. But it gets better. He was my first love (I hate admitting i felt that way about him). IF you do some of the things I mentioned and make yourself happy, it will be far more easier. You'll have your ups and down, but you will push through it. -
I know it hurts. But its my own personal experience that men who really don't want to commit themselves and are guarding themselves against it RUN as fast as they can away from a woman who start to mean something to them. It sucks. But some men are immature or otherwise not ready for committment. It doesn't necessarily mean that they are bad guys or anything, but what they do can be hurtful. My advice? Take some time to yourself and heal. Not all men do this, but I've decided to take my time sexually with guys so that sex doesn't happen until they've decided whether or not they are the "committing" type. I know how badly it hurts. It sucks and you love 'em and hate 'em at the same time. you want to slap them, but you really miss them, too. Just keep moving forward and know that there are good guys out there...its just hard to tell the difference sometimes. Some guys are just at the point where they want to have fun...it has nothing to do with you.
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I have sort of the same problem as you...my best friend has a lot of self esteem issues and is very jealous of me so I'm backing off, and I feel sometimes like its hard to get close to people. I made a few friends in one of my classes because we were a lot alike and it was an 10 person class. What are you exactly looking for with this guy? I'm kind of confused...do you want to date him or are you just looking for a very close friendship? One thing it sounds like you might be doing is putting him on a pedastal because he listens to you and you have opened your heart to him. This can be a powerful thing, but if he isn't doing the same, then I'm not sure you can really know him very well. If both people aren't willing to be emotionally intimate, then I have my doubts that it will be fulfilling. There are a lot of people out there who will be willing to open up to you. Be honest with this guy and tell him what you need from him, and then give him some room. Try not to bug him about it a lot or smother him. Just be mention it lightly...put the idea in his head. If he is ready for what you want to share with him, he will be able to think about it and pursue you. If not, then clearly there was something better meant for you.
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You make it sound so nice. Thank you. You are right. It makes so much sense the way you say it.
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The first time my ex and I had sex was very painful and difficult. It was my second time (The first time was when I was passed out drunk with someone on campus I did not know (it was my first week at school). It hurt so badly I made him stop and started shaking...then he asked for a blow job (he wasn't real sensitive). Over a years time, my ex and I had intercourse four times- we did oral sex mostly when we weren't "off again". The last time we were very connected and it meant a lot to me. But it still hurt a lot. I guess I'm just really bad at sex. I don't want to be. I want it to feel good. I enjoy everything else, and eager to learn when I do find the right person. My doctor said I have to use lube and the guy's going to have to take his time and be very gentle with me until I loosen up. I don't know how to tell someone this. There's really no one to tell yet, but when the time comes I dont' want to scare a man off because sex is so difficult with me. If I were a virgin, then he'd understand. But I'm not. I don't know how to explain that it still hurts a lot. I know that guys want a girl who enjoys sex. Its going to take some work to get me to that point. It would be a lot easier for a man to sleep with someone experienced. I'm just scared. Over break my confidence in myself has grown. But I'm scared to have sex again. I want to share taht with someone again, but sometimes I cry when I think of the bad times. My first time I don't really remember much and then suddenly I remember pain and yelling stop and then I woke up in a strange bed. And every time except for the last time I slept with my ex, my legs wouldnt' stop shaking when it was over and I felt so alone. I'm a sexual person, but I'm so scared of having sex again. I'm scared that i'll be left alone again and i'm scared that a man won't understand my inexperience. My ex always wanted to have sex, but after it was over and it was so painful for me, he was so distant. After we did other intimate things, we felt closer together. But it upset him that it hurt me. When we talked about seeing each other again, we talked about the sex thing and he said he would go slower and it wasn't a problem. But he said that before, too, and it always bothered him sex didnt' feel good for me. I'm just not sure how to handle myself when the time comes.
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Yeah, I agree. It sounds like she's either playing games or not interested. Its probably a good idea to back off either way. If she likes you enough, then she'll seek you out. And trust me, if she doesn't like you enough then she's not worth it.
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I'm glad you realized this is what you need to do. It took me a long time to figure that out. I'm just beginning the healing process. I'll just pass along some of the wisdom other people have given me: develop your own interests hobbies, explore what you are good at, meet new people. Once you love yourself, some of the problems you've been having with being obsessive and trying too hard to make something work when its his fault...they will fade. I'm glad you've made this decision.
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Well I was called cute by someone who later told me that cute means a guy finds you attractive but not his type. Another guy, who I had casually made out with, told me I was hot, but his girlfriend was cute, and I'm assuming he preferred his girlfriend. I'm often called cute in reference to my personality because I say dumb/stupid/funny random things. I think it depends on the guy and the way he says it.
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Hi, I had the same problem as you are. You havn't actually said your height/weight or age so I don't know your specific situation. But for me, when I was in high school, I always thought I was too fat. I lost thirty five pounds before college. Honestly, I don't feel thinner. I know I am. But I don't really feel a whole lot differently. Looking back at my pictures from high school, I wasn't really that fat. I thought I was. I thought I was a whale. But I was still pretty. Not that I knew it at the time. I think looking in the mirror and identifying what is beautiful about you will help. Stop trying to compare yourself to other girls. It will do you no good. You are beautiful in your own unique way. And you have to understand that someone will appreciate you for that. You will not see yourself as better or thinner until you feel better on the inside. I suggest also, perhaps getting some new clothes, makeup. Also, take up a sport or activity. What are you good at? That will increase your confidence and help you focus less on your appearance and more on what's on the inside.
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This reminds me of something my mum said...and I posted it earlier today. She said "I really believe that like attracts like. If you are happy by yourself then you will find someone who is happy by himself". Looking back, the men I have chosen in my life when I have been insecure with low self esteem have been jerks-- with insecurity issues and low self esteem themselves. Often times, I was treated badly because it made him feel better about himself. I don't necessarily think you keep picking jerks. I think the jerks may be attracted to you for some reason. In my case, I was insecure and needed lots of validation. My ex liked the power this gave him. He was insecure himself, so it made him feel powerful that my self worth was completely in his hands. After reading some of your other posts, I truly think you could benefit from taking some time to yourself and figuring out what will make you happy without a man involved. This is what I've decided to do, personally. When you are happy by yourself, I think it men who are jerks won't bother with you-- you are healthy and happy and thereforeeee they cannot use you to raise their self worth, and even if they do pursue you, you won't waste time on someone you know is treating you badly. Something I might mention, is I think when you are happy and satisfied with your life, things just work out...and you should just work on achieving that first. When you achieve this, I don't think you will have to worry about the difference between the right and wrong guys...the right ones will just come naturally. This is just a theory of mine, but some very nice guys have come into my life when I was very troubled...and it never quite seemed to work out. I don't think I was ready for it. But I'm working on fixing myself before I want a relationship. And you sound an awful lot like I did (and still do sometimes), so maybe this would be a good solution for you as well. Also, ditto everything Smallworld said. She gives amazing advice.
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I first want to say Thank You to everyone who has given me advice. Its been hard for me lately, and everyone here has been very supportive and understanding, even when I've been frustrating and stubborn and whiney. You've all given such wonderful advice and I appreciate it so much. When I was talking to my mother today, she said something that made a lot of sense to me. She said "If you are completely happy by yourself, you will find someone who is happy by themselves...and when you find that nothing could be better". It made a lot of sense to me. And I thought about if I would want to be with the kind of insecure person with low self esteem that I am right now, and the truth is, I probably wouldn't. I want to be with someone happy and confident and satisfied. And I can't really ask for more than I have to give. Beyond that, it occurred to me that a friend of mine was depressed until she had a boyfriend. And I thought, well I'd stop being sad if I had one too. But then I realized, why should I be happy ONLY when I've got a boyfriend, when I could be happy all the time? So I've decided that I need to take some time to work on being happy by myself before looking for love. I still want to begin to flirt, smile and be friendly with men (and everyone else, too), but I need to discover what it takes for me to be satisfied and content without a man before I will find a man who will be worthwhile. And besides, I think taking the time to learn how to be happy cannot possibly be time wasted...especially if I act friendly and don't close myself off to people like I have done in the past. Just because I'm not looking doesn't mean I have stop flirting with and liking them. Anyway, I just want to say that I've decided that I want to re-discover myself and do things that will make me feel happy and warm on the inside as a single girl without a boyfriend and without worrying about dating. I want to start remembering what makes me feel good, find some interests, hobbies, connect with people who are worth connecting with, maybe even find something new to learn. I want to change my life now, instead of always talking about it. I just wanna say thanks to everyone here who has given me good advice, even when I sometimes ask the same question over and over again. You guys are really great!
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Personally, I say call him or send him an email. mail is rather unreliable. calling him is the best option. it may have been lost in the mail. either way, you will get a direct response and know where you stand if its really bothering you that much. just my opinion. What RayKay says is very true too. And I'm not in the best position to give advice to be honest. He does know where to contact you if he wants to. i'm just wondering why you elected to send him a letter. it seems like an odd way of communicating these days. but i guess if a guy wants to talk to you, he will find a way.
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I just want to say thank for the support. I've been doing better, but I obviously have some problems. I have some bad moments. And to be honest, most people are so helpful and understanding that when something like that comes up it makes me really upset. Let me clarify...I've only had sex with two people in my entire life. I don't ever refer to the first one because I was passed out when I lost my virginity to a stranger. I DON'T have sex with these men. I have made out with them and let them finger me sometimes, but I havn't had done more than that with anyone but my ex in over a year. And my friend (who is very jealous and has self esteem issues herself) said the same thing to me. When I visited her at Halloween, this very attractive, sought after guy was surrounded by girls and she told me she wanted to have sex with him, and asked if I would "get with him" and then ask her to do a three way with us. I told her no, and that she was free to "get with him" herself. She said she couldn't because he was surrounded with girls trying to kiss him and sit on his lap. He hit on a few minutes later, and we hung out. My friend tried to make out with me to get his attention, and when I refused she went up to him and told him to make me make out wiht her. Anyway, later he and I and wound up making out (alone). The next day, she told me that "guys only choose the girls that look like slts and not girls girls who are pretty". So it sounded exactly like what my friend said. I guess thats why it hit a nerve. I usually don't pity myself this much. That just really hit a nerve with me. I'm sorry. I just have this fear inside that no man will ever value me or see me as worth anything...and that fear seemed to be validated by her post. I'm sorry if I sound pathetic at times. Thank you all for listening to me.
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I'm sorry, but what am I supposed to think when I come here for advice and people tell me that I'm not a catch, that i'm just easy. I say that I want to get into the dating scene, instead of just hooking up but nobody wants me and then someone just tells me that I'm not a catch...that I just look easy. I just broke nc.
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um if a guys really hot and wants to get laid he'll go with the girl who is the most likely to have sex with him (not the best catch, just the most likely to give him some) That's what someone responded to when I started a thread saying that I kept hooking up with hot, sought after guys and I really really didn't think I was good enough to date and I didn't know what to do about it. It's bad enough that I already have self esteem issues and that I have had some very horrible people trying to make me feel bad, but I always thought this forum was a place for advice. I don't know what to even say to that. So apparently, I'm right. I'm a piece of crap and not worth anyone's time and apparently not a catch at all? Let's forget the fact that I don't give these guys any indication that I want to sleep with them (I dress conservatively and I only smile and laugh...nothing more). And the fact that these guys have girls throwing themselves all over them, and somehow wind up hitting on me. Apparently I'm just an ugly disgusting not worthy of anything piece of crap who isn't a catch at all. All I wanted was some advice on how to start getting back into the dating world. I guess I can't ask anybody for advice without having my feelings hurt. I wanted someone to help me, not tell me that I'm easy and not a catch. I don't give sleep around. I don't have a bad reputation. I don't throw myself at men. I don't even flirt with them. I just want to give up. I used to think I was at least beautiful, but apparently I'm no catch at all, just a goddamn ( ) who looks easy to screw. Maybe my low self esteem was just an accurate assessment of myself. Maybe my I deserved to get raped when I was drunk and then have an ex boyfriend who left me crying when I was shaking from how bad it hurt when we had sex. You know, I always thought I was deserving of love and respect from a man. But I guess I'm not a catch. I'm just a easy, despite not being easy or putting out. I have friends who are jealous of the way I look and make rude comments about how every guy is staring at me (I feel like I have to defend myself all the time and be like "oh no, its just cause my hair is a mess") or gripe about how I still look good without makeup. I have boys who only want to screw me. I have a mom who is so tired of listening to my bull she doesn't know what to do. My dad has been dead for nearly a decade and I miss him. I have a life that outwardly seems so wonderful, but is feels so painful and worthless. No one wants me. I don't know what to do. According to that poster, I'm not a catch. So really, what can I do? I look at pictures of myself, I look in the mirror and see someone so beautiful...someone who grew up ugly but has been blessed with a great body and a beautiful face. But apparently I'm not a catch at all, am I? I'm just easy.
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Well what else am I supposed to think? When I didn't want anyone, I didn't find anyone. When I want to date, I don't find anyone. I used to think that if I was just friendly and smiled and flirted, I would at least get dates. But I can only do that when I drink, and when I drink I get guys who want to use me for sex and don't even ask for my number. What am I doing so wrong that no one wants me? Seriously? I don't know what to do. All I want to do is have some fun in another way. Maybe my ex is right, I'm just too stupid and crazy and and young not attractive to find anybody. I mean everyone says I'm beautiful. But god who even knows if they're lying. I look good in pictures but pictures are just pictures. I might have low self esteem, but LOTS of girls with low self esteem still get dates somehow. I used to be like "Its cause they flirt" but when the only times i've flirted (when i'm in bars and had a couple of drinks) I just get these jerks. I''m sorry, but it can't just be that I am attracted to bad guys. There has to be a reason that the only time a guy is interested is when he wants to use me and screw me. There has to be something wrong wtih me. Can't someone just tell me what to do differently so I don't go on like this? What is so different about the girls who get dates? I mean there must be something I'm doing wrong. Don't just tell me it'll happen. It seems to happen for everyone except me.
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No one wants more for me. I stopped going out and drinking and I didn't meet anyone. I've only went ot bars twice in the last month and both times I wound up with a ridiculously handsome sought after man who wanted sex and nothing more. I don't have sex with them. I draw the line and they stop. But they dont' want me for more. No one wants me for more ever. I'm so shy when I'm not drunk. I don't even look at guys or make eye contact or smkle when I'm sober. I just never meet anybody. No one wants to date me. I just want to have a good time and meet nice people. Not necessarily for a boyfriend, but I want to just date and meet some nice guys to have some innocent fun. The only person I've hever had sex with was my ex and that was six months after I met him. I'm not like a stupid trashy *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* or anything. But no one wants me for anything substantial. The only way a guy wants to come near me is cause he wants sex. No one else wants to have anything to do with me.
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Well I was at a bar, but I met up with some friends on campus afterward and I met him while we were getting food (we've always had a thing for each other even though he has a gf). The other one was at a bar. Most the time I meet guys at parties and that's when I hook up with them. But other girls seem to get dates and stuff.
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So the other night I almost hooked up with this really hot guy who has a girlfriend-- her friend caught us. And a month ago, I hooked up with this really hot rich guy when visiting a friend. I always do these kinds of things when I drink...so i don't go out hardly at all anymore. Its not like I regret them or anything, but it seems like the only kind of contact I get with men. When I'm drunk, I'm open, friendly, smile and laugh and flirt. I don't do any of this when I'm sober. But when I'm drunk I only meet guys like that and do bad stuff. Its like I can't find a guy who wants to go out on a proper date with me or to be interested in me for anything other than sex. When I'm sober I don't meet any guys at all. I want to stop only meeting guys when I'm drunk who want to just have sex with me. I know I'm physically attractive...when I decide I want a guy when I'm out all I have to do is flirt a little and he's mine, even if he's the most desired guy in the room. But I'm SOOO shy when I'm sober and never meet anybody. It's like nobody wants me except for a quick thrill. I don't dress revealingly...even when I go out drinking. I don't even act like I want to have sex...like my friend falls all over guys and I definitely don't do that. But she has a boyfriend (who treats her like crap and has never taken her on a date, though). I want good, wholesome attention. But it seems as if the only attention I can get is sexual. I really want to start playing the field a little and getting out there and dating. I don't necessarily want a relationship, but I'd like to seeing whats out there. I feel like no one wants me, though. Do you think it will get better if I start to flirt and smile and be nice to men when I'm sober, too? Or will they just be interested in sex, too? I really don't know how to change things.
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haha, don't worry. I still do the same thing (ignoring and not smiling at someone I'm interested in). I'm really glad you realized this a lot earlier than I did. You're on the right track. Anyway, to answer your question, I would say...if she's looking at you and she seems interested when you talk to her, go for it. You can probably tell. At this point, she probably won't know if you're interested just as a friend or as more, so she probably won't be offended. Its better if you look for an excuse to ask for her number, though. She might say no she might say yes. The important thing is not to beat yourself up if she says no (she might be shy or afraid) or to declare victory if she gives it to you. Just remain calm and confident, and enjoy yourself.