sweetheart230

You're very right in what you say. But its easier said than done. It took me a really long time to figure it out.

That's the funniest thing I've ever seen! But true also. Thanks, guys, for all the responses, I really appreciate it! Just an update, this morning I actually flirted with someone for the hell of it for the first time in like 2 months. And it felt really good... he was really responsive and trying to be funny and everything. The thing is, I didn't even care if he liked me by the end of the class, I just wanted to keep flirting with everyone for no reason other than it was fun. Like I didn't want a date or a boyfriend, I just wanted to have fun. This probably seems very stupid to some people, but i'm proud of myself for taking baby steps.

I think my big issue is not whether or not I can establish a good relationship with someone once i get to know them, i just have this crippling fear that most guys will never feel initial attraction to me. The fact that they play an important role initially is what makes me so obsessed about them because I'm terrified no one will want to go out with me at first b/c I'm not pretty enough. It's a fear that's literally taken over my entire life. I know they don't keep people together. My problem is that they BRING people together in the first place and I'm scared I'm going to miss out on that.

Thanks, again, RayKay. You really are such a wonderful person who's helped me a lot in the past few months. No wonder your boyfriend thinks you are so great! I have started therapy through school. It is helping a little so far, and he think we're starting to make some progress with it. I'm trying so hard to work out my problems... i have some good days and some bad days (very bad). Things are getting better a little bit at a time.

I guess I've just never felt pretty and it makes me feel like I'll never find anyone special. People have told me I'm beautiful. On the rare occasion I did something social (gallery openings) 3 men told me I was beautiful and gave me their number. Some guy at work told me I looked like some "very beautiful chinese actress". But guys say a lot of things. I feel like a guy would just be settling for me. I can't picture a guy thinking to himself "she's beautiful". But that's my problem and I'm gonna have to learn to deal with it if I'm ever going to be happy. I suppose a girl who does have that je ne sais quoi has an advantage. But for some reason I don't think anything else about me matters unless I'm beautiful. Like, I could be the best person in the world and it wouldn't make a difference unless I was pretty enough. I'm beginning to sound like a broken record. I'm sorry. You guys are all right. I'm just stupid and stubborn and have self esteem issues for reasons I can't even figure out. Thanks for your responses. I'm beginning to see how right you all are, now I just have to believe it.

I know I can't change how I look, but I wish I knew if I saw myself as others did or if I am just delusional. I guess my major issue is that most people will not be attracted to me and I'll get passed over for girls who are like 10's and have a good personality also. But I guess the fact that I worry about it so much probably makes me a lot less likable. Guys approach me all the time but lose interest, so I'm guess you're right... it's probably because they sense my insecurity, not because they suddenly decide i'm ugly. Thanks, RayKay for the response. You are always amazingly helpful to me so thank you very much.

Do guys feel the same way about women though? I guess I hear a lot of people saying that someone who looks good but has no personality will repel people. It almost sounds like people only want someone who looks great AND has a good personality. I was more or less asking, what about people who don't look good? I'd like to think that it doesn't really matter all that much and that I can stop caring and checking myself in the mirror all the time. Guys hit on me in class and when i go out a lot, but my friend said that its only cause I'm asian and young and they want to get laid. She may be wrong, she may be right. I guess I'm worried that I have to be beautiful and have a great personality to attract people. I don't know if I'm beautiful. like I said, I think I am but I don't know. But I do have a good personality and a good heart... I'm just wondering that if I am wrong about being pretty, maybe my personality isn't enough.

Well personally for me, looks don't matter much at all. As long as there is some attraction (and there have been really hot guys who i've not been attracted to and avg guys i've been very attracted to), I look to personality and how I feel around someone to tell me the rest. Some days I think I'm gorgeous. Other days I think I'm too ugly to get a date. I get alot of male attention so I guess its safe to say I'm good looking, but for some reason I have this really big fear that I'm never pretty enough. For a whiel I thought it didn't matter. guess i was wrong.

I'm not talking about good hygiene and all that stuff (that's kind of a given), but how much do looks have to do with it, honestly? I've heard a lot that its personality that counts. But all things being equal, do you think that looks really do matter? Like obviously you wont' go far if you have no personality and if you don't flirt, but if you do have a good personality and flirt, won't guys usually go for the prettier one if she also flirts and has a nice personality? Maybe its just cause I'm in college, but looks seem to play a huge role in dating. I'm not exactly speaking from experience, because I personally go from thinking I'm gorgeous to thinking I'm hopelessly ugly several times a day (so who knows), but I'm just wondering, in general, let's be completely honest here... looks are important. Guys all want someone beautiful on their arm. In the end, it seems like we only fall in love with those we get to know and we only get to know those we're attracted to. Yah, everyone's preference is difference, but in general, how much do looks matter?

I did FWB. It was really bad for me personally. Eventually it turned itno a really dyfunctional relationship b/c I fell for him (trust me, I never intended to) and he liked having me around (for a while). I was really inexperienced at the time though. I had sex with him (and hooked up with other guys) to feel attractive, too. In the long run it didn't work for me. That's just me though. I think there's a danger in using sex and another guy to get over someone else. In the end, no matter how physically pleasing it was, I just wanted intimacy and affection. He gave it to me for a while, but he never gave enough. But if that's what you want, he'll probably be up for it. guys generally are. good luck. ya never know, sometimes these things work out really well.

Ok, I went through a phase where I wanted to be white and blond and little. I'm asian, with big breasts. you're fine the way you are. maybe guys would look at you the same way if you had confidence in yourself. I found that when I was feeling down about myself and jealous of other girls, I'd hardly get noticed (or maybe just too self absorbed to even see guys noticing me). But When I was confident and happy with msyelf, I coudln't keep them away from me. I know a girl who isn't pretty at all. Like at all. But somehow she thinks she's the hottest thing ever and guys dig her.

Honey, I understand where you're coming from. Perhaps I'm not the best person to give advice seeing as I have tons of issues myself, but here it goes (And I'm sorry, I don't have the patience to be anything but stone cold honest with you): This guy is a huge jerk. I know tons and tons of guys like this. Stay away from them and don't let yourself get used for sex or "experience" ever again. There are lots and lots of ppl who will disagree with me, I think friends with benefits is a bad situation for a girl unless she's completely in the right state of mind.. which is not often. He might want her, but he's a jerk. I'd use harsher language, but it'll just be censored. So what if he wants her? If he's that shallow that being hot is the most important trait in dating someone, then he's immature as hell and not someone you want to be with at all. I'm sure you are pretty as well. But there are always going to be hot girls.. and dumb guys who follow them around like puppy dogs just b/c their hot. Let them have her. You should spend your time with guys who aren't that stupid and shallow. Anyone who places that much emphasis on a girl being hot isn't worth your precious time and energy. Third, you shouldn't be jealous. She may be hot, but I'm sure men find you good looking too, and more importantly, you probably have a million wonderful qualities that mean infinately more than how you look. Men see those qualities in the end. Maybe not now, maybe not in year, but the right one WILL see you as beautiful b/c of the qualities you radiate from inside. Its an abstract thought but its true. I know many girls who aren't traditionally beautiful (plain, in fact) but they have boyfriends who think they're gorgeous b/c they are amazing people on the inside. The good people see who you are on the inside, too. The immature guys who just want a hot chick... well they are a waste of time until they mature and realize what is important. Don't waste your energy being jealous. It isn't worth it.

I'm very happy for you... it really sounds like you've met a wonderful man and that you deserve to be happy. good luck!

I've never been loved for who I am. Well except for my mom, but mom's have to love their kids. And my dad, but he's been gone for a long time. how are any of us supposed to believe someone else is able to love us for who we are? My ex.. i really cared for him for who he was. it was all the little things, stupid things I guess. like how he woudl always brush his teeth before we hooked up, or how he used to smile at me when i made a smart * * * remark or did something dumb, or how proud he was when i really needed help from him or how he would make these really bad jokes that he thought were clever. i find it ironic that he has the same insecurities i do... that he's not lovable for just being him... but I really did find him lovable for who he was and he will probably never realize it. Too bad he never felt the same way about me. He liked me, but not enough to treat me well. He just used me. I guess I just wonder about love in general. What is it exactly? How do we fall in love with someone for just who they are?

I havn't been so lucky with men, unfortunately. I don't know what love is. I don't understand it, don't know how to get it. All I really know is that the only male affection I've ever received has been through how I look or through sex. I don't know any other way to get it. I know I have to be myself, but I'm scared. I'm scared its not enough. thanks guys for your replies.

I just don't understand how people love each other. It makes no sense to me. It seems like a lot of people play mind games with each other or go for the best looking person they get along with. We all have a lot of special qualities... but really I'm no different than anyone else... why would someone choose me over someone else? The only answer I can think of is I'm good at playign these dumb dating games or I'm better looking than other girls. Honestly, the whole idea of just loving someone confuses the hell out of me.

It happened 10 years ago and I never thought it would affect my relationships. But I'm finding that it has very much and I'm not sure what to do about it. I was 11 at the time. This sounds stupid, but his death made me desperately seek out male affection, attention and love without knowing or understanding how to get love from a man. There was no other man in my life after he died at all. I used my sexuality to feel loved at first. I didn't know any other way. I've only had sex with 2 men, but I used to make out with guys a lot and get naked with them early on. In my first and only relationship, I used sex to make him want me. It was the only way I knew how to hold on. It was the only way I knew to get him to love me. I did almost everything he told me to do. When that didn't work, I tried using my looks. I became obsessive about my looks. I still am. I convinced myself that if I were pretty enough, I would find what I was looking for. When I didn't get love and affection, I believed I wasn't pretty enough. The thought of being anything less than beautiful would send me into depression and convince me I was unlovable... and the slightest thing caused this belief. Lately, I've been trying to project this confident, outgoing, perfect image of myself. But I don't have a perfect personality and I probably never will. I know everyone is going to tell me to be myself. The only times men have been truly responsive to me emotionally has been when I've been fully myself... even if I wasn't clever or interesting or experienced. I'm warm and incredibly sweet... but naive and innocent and really vulnerable and I'm so terrified that I'll get taken for a ride if I show that side of myself. It's a very true side of myself. I can be stupid and silly sometimes. I look sophisticated on the outside, but on the inside I just want to play. I seem so cool and collected on the outside, but I'm emotional and passionate on the inside. I want to be affectionate and smile and laugh, but I hardly ever do. I don't know how to be loved. I don't know how it feels for a man to love you and yet I want it so much, more than I can possibly articulate. I don't even know what it means for a man to love you for who you are. I can't even imagine it. Sex and physical appearances are all I know how to use to get affection. I keep trying to be perfect... give the perfect oral sex, look perfect, have the perfect personality. Using sex and my looks and trying to be perfect has only led to heartache. But I don't know how else to do it. I don't understand how to be loved or if its even possible to be loved for who you are inside. Thanks for listening. I just don't understand how people love one another. How can someone just fall in love with plain old me? Yeah, theres a lot of positive qualities I have, but lots of other ppl have those, too.

Well my mom, and best friend told me they liked it curly, but I get more male attention when its straight and people always compliment me on it when its straight so i have no idea! guess i'll just keep doing what i do now: do whatever my mood tells me to do at the moment. I just have A LOT of hair. Tons of it.

Opinions? I have naturally wavy/curly hair which is really uncommon in an asian girl. They're like big curls, but my hair gets really big sometimes. I tell me I look like I have "bedroom hair", but I straighten sometimes cause it gets out of control. I wondering what would accentuate my high cheekbones better. So just out of curiosity, what's sexier?

I was forced today to evaluate myself fully. I think I finally might have begun to see the truth about myself and about searching for my own self worth. My last two posts were self obsessed rants about how I don't really know if I'm pretty or not or if I'm just crazy to think so. I put myself on link removed b/c I'm stupid and impressionable. And at first it was a 7.2, then it was a 4.5, and now its at like a 7 (its off now b/c I realised how dumb it is). But the few hours that it was a 4.5 I almost lost my mind. Literally. I thought I was ugly, average, worthless. But, then, I was forced to do some soul searching because I was completely miserable. What if I was really a 4.5? Forgetting the fact that some ppl gave me 1's and some ppl gave me 10's, I really believed it for a few hours, that I was below average. It devastated me. So I made an emergency appt with my counselor and complained andn cried about it to him. And he finally just said to me "if you had been rated a 10, you would have been happy for a day and then tomorrow found some other proof that you're not good looking. No one will ever convince you you're pretty until you believe it. Every compliment you've ever received you've rationalized away." I still just figured he was just trying to delude me into thinkin gi was pretty so i'd be happy for once. But then, I thought about it. If I was really not pretty, then was my life really over? No, it wasn't. Besides, I thought I was pretty in the picture I put online (i wasn't wearing makeup, but that's beside the point). I was still smart, funny, passionate and incredibly sweet. No one can take that away from me. I have a big, warm heart and I'm creative and charming. Would I rather give up all those things to look like Heidi Klum? No. I felt that I was so unique and wonderful inside that if I stopped fighting it and caring about the outside, the inside would radiate outward and I would really truly find love and tenderness in someone who thought I was special. So then I stopped thinking about my looks. And something amazing happened (and its only been a day)... guys were totally into me. People were into me in general. I was smiling and happy. Guys who I vaguely knew were checking me out and coming up to me and talking to me and acting all nervous and cute. The fact that I didn't feel good looking didn't preclude me from enjoying the attention. So, then I get back to my computer tonight and see that in fact, I am sorta hot. And the sick thing is, I don't even care what some stupid website says about me anymore. I like who I am inside. Nothing can take that away, even if my looks fade. Confidence and believing who you are is amazing is actually what attracts people... the right people. Of course, the fact that i am pretty and attractive and men dig the way I look makes life a little nicer. I'm finally seeing the fact that despite the fact that I'm beautiful on the outside, the fact i hid how beautiful I was on the inside made me unattractive. Who wants someone who is so obsessed with what they look like? Who could deal with that for an hour, let alone a lifetime? So, now, I'm beginning to enjoy the attention from guys that I've so desperately wanted in the past. The only thing I did differently is smile if I wanted to, cause I wasn't thinking "oh waht if i'm not pretty enough" I was thinking "who cares". And I was practically magnetic today. I felt like some female dog in heat or something. The only thing stopping me from getting guys was my standoffish attitude, insecure and self centeredness. Now when I look in the mirror, I see someone who is beautiful... and I actually believe its true and not some illusion now. I dont' need a bunch of people validating it anymore... I just know what I see and feel is true. Funny how I needed to be taken down a notch to finally start believing I was beautiful inside and out.

Well what do you want? Are you ok with friends with benefits, or do you want a possible relationship out of it? I mean he definitely could like you, but if you guys havn't discussed it yet then you're not really together. If you want a relationship, you should tell him that you don't like to have sex outside a relationship and that it was really good but you need it to be more than fwb. if you really do want a relationship, then you have to be willing to walk away if he's unwilling to give more.

I do this too. Its just my natural expression. But when I'm drinking people like me a lot more cause I smile and laugh more.

I just feel like no one will want to know the real me unless they like the outside, too. I want to be loved for all of me, outside and inside.

Ok, I usually thank everyone for their advice. I was just having a very off night. Look, I have a wonderful personality. Yeah, I delve into self pity, but no one knows about except me and the people on this website. My friends think I'm fun, sweet, gracious and incredibly generous. I'm very interested in other people and very talented. I'm just shy and reserved with guys to a fault and I've been used a lot b/c of low self esteem. Everyone I know thinks I have a high opinion of myself. I just have a secret obsession with my looks and a hidden, but paralyzing fear that no guy will love me for all of me and that my face is really just ugly. I have good social skills. Everything comes easily to me... I almost always get my way b/c people like me so much. I earned probably half of the A's I got in high school, the rest were b/c I "convinced" teachers to help me out a little. My parents were great.. but my dad died when I was young. I guess I never had any kind of approval or love or affection from a man growing up. I don't remember what its like for a man to love me. I'm just terrified that I'll never be loved for me. That's the bottom line.