sweetheart230

Like everyone said its the confidence factor. Nothing is sexier. The hottest guy in the world will cease to be sexy if he has no confidence. We don't want a man who will let us walk all over him. We lose respect for him if we think he is too desperate to keep us. It doesn't make us feel special to be with someone who acts as if they let others treat them badly. It does make us feel special to be with someone who acts as if they could have anybody...and chooses us. But you don't have to be a jerk. Just don't be too compliant and don't act as if you need them. You don't.

I think you might be thinking about it too much. If you focus on lonley feelings and wanting to be in a relationship, you come accross that way no matter how hard you try to conceal it. Nobody wants to date an unhappy person. And nobody wants to date someone who just wants "a relationship". They want to be in a relationship wtih someone who finds THEM special. You should focus on being happy by yourself and learning that having someone is pointless unless its somebody you really connect with. Your problem is probably this: you look as dates for potential relationships, whereas you should just be enjoying yourself and your company. If you just have fun, you will BE more fun to hang out with. Don't concentrate so much on where things are going. Just enjoy yourself. Also, one problem I had is that I often had a serious look on my face and while I'm really good at flirting, I rarely do it because I'm at school and don't find a lot of guys I feel like flirting with. If thats a problem, you should probably work on being more social and creating chemistry by flirting with men subtly. It can be tough to put yourself out there, but its totally worth it and its fun, too. And I agree that clinginess is really unattractive. It is repellent, in fact. Clinginess indictates desperation. Just relax. Everything will happen for you if you just relax and enjoy your life.

I agree with you, Kellbell. I generally shy away from sex (it hurts still), but I've had purely physical experiences with men that were just flings. And I've enjoyed them for what they were. The only problem I've had is when they pressure me into doing what I don't want to do. My better physical experiences have been based upon more than just physical attraction, though, which is why I've made the decision to not get sexual too quickly. I think FWB is ok for some people, but its so likely that someone will get hurt. And being in college, I've seen a lot of women get into these situations, and sometimes they turn into more serious relationships, but often the man view's it as more of a convenience than anything. I suppose in the end, I just want sex to be special. I don't think sleeping around necessarily indicates lack of self respect. If it pleased me to continue to do so, I would. I think I'm just at the point where I want sex to include tenderness, respect and love. And after going through such a rough time with the last man I was involved in, I wondered why I could never get it from him, and another girl could have casual sex and receive it. But, I guess I don't really want things to start that way, anyway, and I have no idea the quality of her relationship either (my friend has been known to exaggerate things).

Yeah, but unfortunately a lot of men don't want to date them seriously. Its not the case with all men, but among my male friends, and my friends boyfriends, it tends to be the case. There are lots of exceptions of course. If you're just really into each other and it happens, then sure it could develop into more. If sex is all these women are interested in, then its fine. No woman should have to wait if she doesn't want to. But its kind of like men who treat us excessively well. Of course we'd all want a man who put us up on a pedastal and bought us anything we asked for. But we wouldn't have respect for a man who did this if he didn't ask for anything in return, even if it gave him pleasure to treat us that well.

I don't know, but I've noticed a change in men respecting my boundaries ever since I've started respecting myself more. Any guy who gives you problems with having sexual boundaries is a really big jerk and you should run as fast as you can in my opinion. If you just tell them you aren't comfortable going that far yet, then there shouldn't be a problem. I've been hurt before, but its been because I've allowed it to happen. You should never go too far with someone just because you feel pressured into it. I don't think you should withhold sex just because you want respect, but you shouldn't have sex just because you want them to stick around, either.

A lot of people told me that if we hadn't started out just sex it might have turned into something but it was too late for me to go back and change things. So I suppose I'm just confused again. Just out of curiosity, do you think it is wise for women to enter into these kinds of things? I always believed sex could just be enjoyed for the mere physical pleasure of it, but lately I've started to think that the best sex happens when you take things slowly. But maybe I'm just too emotional about it. Is waiting for the sake of wanting to take things slow and get to know someone first pointless if you're attracted to someone?

I know I've said this before, but it just makes me upset that some girls can just do this and I get all emotional when sex is involved. I never expected a relationship, I guess I just felt as if something was wrong with me for it never springing out of these things. When I used to hook up people used to tell me that the reason I was getting no respect from men was because I was easy. The fact that sex friend relationships can indeed turn into long term relationships just seemed to contradict everything I've heard. Why is it that some women can have sex without feeling attached. I don't understand it. I don't even understand how sex that has no meaning behind it can turn into sex that does have meaning behind it. I guess I'm just naive and don't understand anything at all about love. I walked into a friends with benefits relationship not expecting anything but sex. In the end, I just wound up hurt and wanting more despite what my "lack of expectations". I don't want get hurt again, but I question whether or not I'm missing out.

What do you all think? She says she knows a lot of girls who had friends with benefits relationships and they turned into good relationships. One, in particular, says he is really good to her...and they started out as sex friends. They just wanted sex from each other but got to know each other and liked each other. I always thought that guys who would date a girl they used as their sex buddy weren't of the desirable type anyway, but she says he's really good to her friend. None of my just hook up relationships had ever turned into anything more, even if we got along and were friends afterward...including the man I lost my virginity to. I was always led to believe that when you have sex before a relationship, a man will generally lose respect for someone he considers so easy. So why these girls who behaving as if they are "easy" finding relationships? I wonder is there something wrong with me that none of the guys I've had casual hook ups with have wanted more, even if I did. I thought I had it all figured out, but after arguing iwth her over this, I'm starting to reevaluate my thinking. Am I wrong in thinking that it is unhealthy to start a relationship that starts out as friends with benefits? Maybe they can turn into fulfilling relationships and there is somethign wrong with me that they don't want me for more afterward. I want a man to think I'm special...I want meaning behind the physical expression of love. But maybe I'm outdated in my thinking and casual sex with someone can actually be a means of achieving this. Maybe he was attracted to the fact that she behaved like all she wanted was sex...and maybe they would havn't otherwise gotten to know they were compatible if they hadn't started having sex. Am I just too conservative in my thinking? Maybe sexual liberation really has caused men to view sexually promiscuous women respectfully. Any thoughts?

But I don't have fun with people who don't drink. I know that sounds weird, but I don't have fun with them.

Well social life is limited here. It's a small school. I still have a really full life, though, somehow. I guess the problem is that I'm kind of known as the girl who is a lot of fun to hang out with and you'll always have a good time with, and this usually includes drinking. I don't suddenly want to be alone in my room on the weekends while my friends go out and party (my roommate studies friday and saturday nights...her friends don't drink, but they are very boring to hang out with). I could make new friends, but I love my friends. And its not the drinking I object to...its the surroundings in which we drink. One of my good friends was called a wh*re for no reason at all by two guys.

I've just gotten back fron a night of heavy drinking (I'm fairly sober now), and I've realized that I meet really crappy people when I drink heavily (I had seven or eight shots, which is a lot for me cause I'm not big and didn't eat dinner). I enjoy drinking in moderation, and when I'm ready to be involved with someone, I'd like them to be enjoy drinking socially in moderation as well. I want to stop drinking for now, cause there's no where to drink "in moderation" here but I'm scared that guys will think I'm a prude or uptight for not drinking. I love drinking with my friends and going out and dancing, but I strongly dislike the people I meet when I drink. I don't want to go out as much, but I don't want to be seen as a prude or boring either...I'm just unsatisfied with the social life here. I just wanna meet nice people. I don't want to meet boring people who object to drinking, either, but I've been hanving out with some real jerks. I wanna move on from that bad guy, but I'm not sure where to begin. Getting completely over him is a good start, and I've made so much progress on that. But I don't want to be seen as a goody two shoes who isn't any fun, and yet, binge drinking and partying with the football team is so unfulfilling and not fun at all.

If its an intial meeting, and its coffee, I usually pay for my own. If he asks me out for anything other than coffee however (a drink, dinner, movies, or any other activity) he always pays. The issue has never come up if its considered a date.

I know I've posted a lot, but this is really bothering me. My friend of six years, who I've been really close with, seem to be growing apart even though we talk all the time. She's like my sister. I visited her over halloween weekend, and we went to a bar. She told me she wanted to "get with" this really rich, attractive man at the bar who was surrounded by women. She asked me if I'd hook up with him and then invite her to do a three way with us- cause I'd be able to get him cause I looked hot and she didn't think she could. I was definitely not cool with that (I'm trying to refrain from sex in general). He wound up pursuing me all night, and I was attracted to him. My friend got jealous and kept trying to get me to make out with her for some reason. Well, anyway, he wound up kissing me in his car. Apparently, while I was with him my friend called a cab to leave the party. If his friend hadn't tried to sneak up on us and watch us make out, I would never have known she called a cab. I wasn't planning on making out with anyone at all that weekend, but it just sort of happened naturally. When we were talking about it later, she was like "yeah its not like guys pick the hottest girls to hook up with usually", implying he hadn't picked me out of all the women throwing themselves at him because he was attracted to me. And she keeps commenting on how pretty all the other girls are when we are out, which drives me crazy. But now, there's this guy she likes. She keeps obsessing about him, which is fine, but now I feel kind of jealous. I just exited a bad relationship and want to get over that fully before entering another one, but I can't help but feel jealous that she has a guy who she likes, and who (from what she tells me) likes her back. I mean I want her to be happy, but I just feel bad that she might have someone who really digs her. This happened in high school too. She had a boyfriend and I always felt like the third wheel, cause he got mad whenever we did something without him (he made us take him to the mall with us a couple of times). When her bf went to college, she kept discouraging me in dating guys I liked telling me they were losers. I just feel like she keeps finding boyfriends and I just keep getting stuck being "that friend" who is always alone and has to listen to how much she likes her guy. I'm trying so hard to be happy for her. I mean they aren't even dating yet...he just asked if she wanted to hang out with him and his friends sometime. But I feel like history is repeating itself. I don't want to be alone forever. I want to be a good friend to her, but this has all happened before and I don't know if I can do it again. I'm sorry, I know this was long. I just feel awful. I mean she's a good friend, but she is inconsiderate. It's not her fault...her mom waits on her hand and foot and she orders her mom around so she thinks its normal to do it with everyone else. I don't want to feel like this about her. I don't know how to deal with it, though.

Honey, you aren't fat. I used to be 5"6' and 165, then I lost thirty five pounds. And honestly, looking at all my pictures, I didn't look all that much skinnier. Guys still liked me then and were very attracted to me. My ex told me I was a little thick. I believed him for the longest time. Until I realized, if I was so thick, why was he with me? He was just trying to make me feel bad so I'd stay with him as long as he wanted me. If you feel unhealthy, then you should try to get fitter. But if you are happy with yourself...if you look in the mirror are satisfied with yourself, don't let anyone else tell you any differently. They are wrong. He was just trying to make you feel bad. If you decide you want to start exercising, then do it because YOU want to, not because some stupid boy told you to.

I guess I'm not scared of a broken heart so much (even though I really should be), as I just don't see the point in purusing a relationship just because I want someone. I can be happy just the way I am I think because I know eventually someone who's right will come along whenever. I still kinda miss him though. I'm over it for the most part, but despite realizing he isn't what I built him up to be, those feelings still exist. How can you have such strong feelings for someone you don't even like? I'm pulling through though.

Yeah, I used to feel like that. That's why I held on to a friends with benefits relationship for so long. But I don't want to be loved by the person who isn't right for me. If you want to find that person who gives you everything you want, you must wait, or you'll settle for someone who isn't right for you. many people do, and many people are happy this way. I know I wouldn't be. It's not so bad being single. Don't get me wrong, when the right guy comes along, I would give it up in a second. But it gives you time to be with your friends. It gives you the opportunity to flirt with lots of cute boys (I went out on Friday night dressed in a really revealing costume just for fun with my friends and it was a huge hit (I was not looking to meet men), which is not something I could have done with a bf). Plus, you get to focus on yourself, explore yourself and just make yourself happy. If you're not happy by yourself, a relationship won't make you happy. Because I honestly believe you can't be in a happy, healthy relationship with the right person until you are happy with yourself. After the last time I saw the man who was using me for sex, we watched the sox win the world series. And it was something I would have done with my dad. And I realized I didn't want him; i wanted the qualities in him that reminded me of my father. Until you understand and fix the reasons you aren't happy out of a relationship, you will not be happy in one.

I thought about things this weekend, after having finally rid myself of a very bad situation that had been dragging me down for a while. Over the last year I've been questioning love and relationships in general. While visiting my friend, I wound up making out with a really sexy guy who all the girls at the bar were throwing themselves at- I hung back and he came over to me- and I realized something. I could enjoy no strings attached hooking up (we got pretty physical, but no sex) because it just felt good. But, I don't want to. It felt good and all, but with no meaning behind it, I just didn't feel the need or want for it. He was literally the best kisser I've ever kissed, but still, it felt empty. I didn't feel bad or used or regretful. It just felt pointless. And I wondered if I would ever find someone who I was crazy about and would be faithful, loyal and good to me. I have been led to believe that all the ones that give you that exciting feeling inside (and the ones who are good in bed) are the bad boyfriends. But I still believe in love. I'm willing to compromise on certain things, but finding a "good boyfriend" isn't worth sacrificing the possibility of finding someone I will be crazy about. I thought about all the people in my life who are happy. Girls, particularly, but one man I met a long time ago. They are nonjudgemental, optimistic and satisfied with their life. They are just genuine, nice, warm people. They have moods, too, but they are natural with their emotions. They are not insecure with themselves. I guess what I'm saying is I've made the decision to just be happy. Finding love is important in my life, but I understand fully now that I'm not willing to accept just anybody- I want someone who makes my heart race, someone who is crazy about me, too and someone who will be good to me. Someone tender and loves me for who I am...someone I can be vulnerable with. And, this, I now realize, could take some time to find. It's not easy to find someone like this- the right person for me. I could go out tomorrow and find a nice boyfriend, but I'm asking for more than just that. And I'm willing to wait for it now. In the meantime, I'd rather just be allow myself to be happy than waste another second being sad. I know this is long. Its just after being so depressed and sad for so long, (as those who have read my other posts know) and its good to finally feel more grounded and happy. I just don't want to forget how I feel right now. It feels good to let go.

I think a lot of it depends on the age of the guy and the nature of the guy in general. The age I am at right now, college-aged, looks are extremely important. But as you grow older, men start to learn that looks aren't as important and are a lot more likely to approach not quite as attractive women. But, I agree that there has to be some attraction there. But that varies from man to man. As long as you look clean and do the best with what you've got, you're probably fine.

Although you all advised me to the contrary, I saw the decade older guy who used to use me for sex. And I realized that I dont' have the same feelings for him any longer. I know I shouldn't have seen him, after all the broken dates, emotional abuse and how he's treated me. We didn't have sex. We watched a movie and just snuggled up ont he couch. he tried to touch my breasts a couple of times. I stopped him at first, but we wound up fooling around. He didn't try to make me have sex with him or suggest oral. I am really talkative and can talk to anybody and everybody. But it felt so awkward with him. He is not good at making conversation. He never has anything interesting to say and doesn't ask questions. All my friends- male and female- always have a blast with me and think I'm a lot of fun to hang out with. but I didn't feel like I had much fun at all with him. I can never have a good conversation with him. He doesn't make me laugh or smile or feel excited or warm or happy inside. I always thought it was just me and that he was charming and fun with all the other girls, but I think its just his dull personality. I spent so much time analyzing what was wrong with me and I finally just think he doesn't have what it takes to give me what I deserve. I'm finally starting to realize that there are so many other men out there who can make me so much happier- who will make me laugh. He doesn't have the capacity to make me happy. I shouldn't have to prove how fun and sweet and worth it I am. Even if he didn't behave appalingly toward me, I still don't think I would want him. I dont' want "what could have been" anymore. I just know that so many other men are capable of making me happier than he ever could. It feels so good to let go of something I've been obsessed with for so long. I finally feel free.

I have the exact same problem. Exactly. I'm cute and get a lot of attention, but I always overanalyze things and worry about the future. I always think what if i do this, what if I do that? What will happen? Will iregret my decisions. I do good in school without trying, but i worry so much about everything else. I have finally begun to be happy, though. I began taking theater classes- Acting- and I love them. They teach you how to really let go and be in the moment. I spend more time doing the things I love. Most importnatly I realized that worrying doesn't change anything. Life generally works itself out. Things WILL work out if you relax and enjoy your life. Everyone in my life tells me I overthink things. I realized it was the source of all my problems. You need to embrace the moment, soak it in, enjoy it. When you don't let things bother you and realize that every little thing isn't important, you free yourself of a lot of stress. I, too, put on a happy face and everyone thinks I'm this fun person- but I used to worry and think a lot. Sometimes being smart can be a curse, but in the end if you rise above your tendency to overanalyze and think all the time, it is a great asset.

Thanks again- like I said, I'm just trying to move on. I appreciate all your advice!

I don't want that kind of attention. I find that demeaning as well. Its just that all these women seemed to keep saying that it is a normal occurrence to be approached by men. As I said, I'm breaking free of a very bad relationship- one where my self esteem was trampled on. I was just trying to find out why tons of men were interested in these women, but not in me. I was looking for answers as to what I can do to be as approachable as other women, but now I just kinda feel bad- as if I'm lacking and my ex is right. The nightclub thing isn't really my scene. But you give good advice. It was very helpful. Thank you.

Thanks...I was starting to feel kinda bad about myself. But I guess thinking back, when I'm happiest and in a good mood is when guys are more likely to show interest. You are right.

I'm seriously starting to feel really bad about myself. I mean if all these other women are getting approached, I mean maybe there's something wrong with me. Maybe thats why my ex thinks I'm only good for blow jobs. I was gonna tell him to screw himself and leave me alone, but if men want all the other women and not me- maybe I should just hang on.

Yeah, I'm not that thin. But I have a good body. I get guys shouting out at me a lot from their car. So what does she do differently that guys approach her?