paul475

...you do need to move on, but here's the gift of the stormy relationship you've had thus far. It might strike you as out in, "left field," but give it a chance to sink in. You chose a betrayer and an abandoner because you betray and abandon yourself in many ways each day without even realizing it. No doubt you were abandoned and betrayed many times as a child and those lessons -- and the survival responses necessary to survive them -- have stuck with you. Survival response numero uno -- you "screen out" the relevant data that's available from the other person's behavior that would tell you, every time, when you were dealing with an abandoner or a betrayer. Character flaws stick out and get noticed by people who do not have them onboard before even phone numbers are exchanged. But a person who possesses the same character defects will screen them out in order to live with the fact that they are doing unto others precisely as has been done unto them. The guilt that this revelation raises is so painful that we'd rather it be in someone else. And so we go out looking for that someone. Not consciously, of course, but subconsciously. So if you want to rid yourself of these kinds of relationships, recognize and accept your defects of character as they have been reflected in your perception of the OTHER person. They won't be the same in terms of the form these defects take, but the content will always be identical. For example, you have low self esteem. That much is obvious given how hard you have tried to make something work with such a cad. But so does he. You perceive low self esteem in him in the form of his dishonesty and the way he has returned to the scene of his own vomit in the form of the woman he cheated on you with. That enraged you, even though you (and most folks) don't realize or understand that nothing makes us angry for the reasons that we first think of. You share this same defect of low self esteem because, hey, you took him back and attempted to "forget" his betrayal and his abandonment to the point where it has driven you nuts. And, of course, the absolute LAST place anyone EVER looks for the reason for their anger is within their own defects of character that they have always had the "good taste" not to subject others to. Sooprize, sooprize. The last place we look is usually where we find things. And this is also the reason why people stay stuck in their anger and outrage long after their supposed reasons for being angry have come and long since gone. See what I mean by, "left field?" Some things just should NOT be forgotten. Forgiven, of course, but forgetting to note that a snake must always be a snake is a formula for getting bitten, repeatedly, and becoming paranoid of snakebite. Our task is not to continue to live in fear, but to learn more and more of the inexhaustible joy available throughout Creation.

...so be prepared to not understand what I'm saying, but you will most likely be intrigued. It's often the answers that come from "left field" that end up being true. We want them back because, ultimately, we are all ONE. We share the same inner-core being that animates all of us, that same sense of beingness that lies beneath the trappings of personality. We are joyous when we couple with another and each of us becomes aware, at the same time, that we are in that same state of being. We are in the depths of despair when we feel separated from this state of being. When we are uncoupling, we return to a state of confusion where we see two things happening that contradict one another. On the one hand, we have experienced a strong and very attractive sense of unity on multiple levels. On the other, it is painfully clear that we are not at-one with the special person whom we identified with that sense of unity. The dissonance between these two experiences is what generates so much of the agony of breaking up. But in the reconciliation of these two opposing experiential facts, a great deal of truth about who and what we are as human beings comes to light. And it is the gift of all break ups that we keep getting but refuse to receive. Once we receive it -- and only once -- we'll never have to experience that same agony of breaking up that we once did. In fact, we may only attract partners who genuinely want to share their lives with us as a result of waking up to this resolution and revelation of identity. None of this position, of course, even came anywhere near my mind when I was breaking up with a partner. I was befuddled and disillusioned. I was sad and in terrible pain. But once I crossed the threshold of the reality that we are not our personalities, we simply wish to be attached to them ABOVE being attached to any one or any thing else, that I realized the freedom to love another person is the greatest freedom we ever experience as human beings.

What's most frightening about any relationship is that EITHER party can decide when it's over. Further, they don't need to have a reason. They have a basic human right to do with their body and their time what they will. And they can decide at ANY time to leave. It is love to allow them to go as freely as they came. Anything less is not loving. If you can not cope with this reality, or if you find that you are unable to cope with it, then you are not ready to have an adult relationship. Okay, okay. Let me explain a little further and maybe I can take some of the sting out of the truth of the matter. I need (not simply want) to have enough self esteem to examine, discern and decide if the person I am contemplating partnering with is a person of good and reliable character. If I am unable to do even this little bit of exploration without any relationship strings, then I am relegated to the consequences of trusting random chance. Secondly, I need to develop my skills in this regard so that with each date, or relationship experience, I become a better and wiser interviewer of my potential relationship partners. Finally, don't beat yourself up for "chasing away" your partner. That's bullshit that people tell us to put the focus on us and our choices. The end is good enough, but the means of causing you greater and greater levels of guilt is horribly untrue and unfair. The way relationships work is we choose each other. I know folks want to believe that it is possible to be victimized by perpetrators time and time again, but my experience in dealing with others -- and my own personal experience, as an afficiando of many species of "crow" -- is that there is no accident who meets and who couples. What I'm saying is that your husband chose you as much as you chose him. That he is unwilling and/or unable to commit to himself, and to your relationship, is a sign of very poor character. It is abandonment and betrayal. It is emotional rape. It is an action that speaks louder than anything he could ever say in any therapy session. And you should listen very, very carefully, because your happiness and your self worth are at stake here. I wish you peace, strength and growing self esteem as you come to your own conclusions about you, your spouse and your current relationship. Believe me, you have no power to control how you interact with each other and you have no power to control what he is willing to contribute to the relationship. But you do have, for the most part, some power to control your contributions to your relationship with your spouse. And that is ALL you can do. Thinking otherwise will only produce countless sleepless nights and awful spells of anxiety. It is wiser, healthier and happier to surrender to the truth of the matter and take the next indicated action. For me, if a partner demands to be cut loose, I let them leave. I do make certain that they know the consequences of their actions, but I do not delude myself into thinking that I can change their mind or make them love me anew. Been there, done that, doesn't work. In fact, if a partner even gets close to blurting, out loud -- angry or otherwise -- that they want to leave/abandon/betray me, I have learned to shut down my feelings and expectations for the relationship. I don't like emotional blackmail and I won't play that game. If that becomes the topic du jour, I may tell them I'm leaving and I may not. But the relationship and its structure are on borrowed time from that instant, forward. Hope this helps...

...give yourself two seconds before you say to yourself, "cancel." Be vigilant in this. Stay busy and focused on helping others. It will get better each day. Above all, don't entertain male attention while you are going through this process. You are attracting, and will attract, men who feel on the inside the same way that you do. The difference is, you can move through this and the man may well stay stuck in it. It generally took me about 1 week for every month of intimate contact to gain a foothold on some sanity. Until then, all I attracted were women who were angry and hurt -- and sought to do more of the same to others, whether they realized it, or not. Good luck to you...Spirit blessings....

Her offenses aren't what concern you. It's the guilt that you could be such a fool, that you had missed these qualities in yourself and attracted and courted a person who has them all in loud, living color. I know how hard it is to cope with this guilt and to want to project it onto everyone and everything but yourself -- and that still not be enough to make the pain subside. And then self loathing and more pain. To avoid this happening again, identify and inventory your resentments and fears and bring to light the same errors you are seeing in your ex. Yes, she lied. Yes, she deceived you. Yes, she is a manipulative control freak. Yes, she is shallow. Yes, she has low self esteem. Find these qualities in yourself, if you can. If you can't, don't worry. At some point you will be able to see them. Once you do, you can choose to be different. Consciously. The content that represents this woman and all like her, will evaporate as if they were never there to begin with.

Somebody out there has a good-old-fashioned NORMAL relationship in early adulthood!! Praise God, praise Jesus, praise Buddah, praise Allah, praise Amon-Ra, praise every friggin' god in the book! What was your secret?? I don't mean to make light of your situation because I know these feelings are oh-so-tender at the moment, but you have no idea how fortunate you are to be experiencing such normal feelings. But I think I can help you gain some perspective here. First, let me get the good stuff out of the way. 1. You located a woman who has some good character traits. Alot of women would simply blow you off and justify not paying you a dime/pence. If you succeeded in finding a good woman once, you can do it again. And that is because YOU are a person of good character. That's hard to appreciate, especially since you have always hung out with YOU, but it might be time to give yourself some appreciation in this regard. The folks we attract and who are attracted to us, regardless of our efforts, are the folks who are very much like us in values, beliefs and habits. If you think I'm kidding, go to a "lonely hearts" meeting some time and listen to the stories. Some guys will unwittingly choose to go out with women who have recently attempted suicide. Five times in a row! And all this strife and anguish was required before they realized that the magnet for this crap was hidden inside themselves in places they simply chose not to look at...for OBVIOUS reasons. 2. You are both very thoughtful people. Considerate. Confused, perhaps due to youth, but considerate. I can hear and feel the struggle in what you shared. On both sides. 3. When you lost your temper with her, she ran away and spurned your attentions and affections until she got her bearings back. Had she listened to your pining horse manure as to why you lost control of yourself, she would not be worth much to you as a person. 4. When YOU became confused and overwhelmed by your feelings, you asked for some time and space to sort things out. This is a remarkable and admirable achievement. You clearly needed more time, of course, but that you SLOWED down, rather than speeded up, your relationship is very worthy behavior. Quite healthy. That she accommodated you, or at least tried to, is also a sign of respect and good character. 5. You are asking for help right now. Your feelings are overwhelming you and are feeling pulled in multiple directions, unable to sort things through. This is also healthy behavior. Okay, that's all the good stuff I can remember that impressed me. If you read some of the stories up here, you begin to wonder if there is such a thing as a reasonably healthy adult anymore. Now here are some opportunities for improvement or paths toward enlightenment. 1. The abortion thing concerns me. A person of otherwise good character would only attempt this solution once. Abortion is a nasty business and it involves the individual extinguishing hope for humanity, in general, and for their situation, in particular. This can't be anything like a regular medical procedure. And from what I understand about how women think and feel, this action will come back to haunt her later. You, also. If you ever have children of your own, that is. Infants are infants, it doesn't matter who the biological father was. It doesn't take much to be a sperm-donor. It takes some serious muscles to be a parent and a father. 2. The hanging-on with her fiance because of a material possession. Depending on age and experience, this is a forgiveable offense, because age and wisdom would contraindicate allowing anything like a house to stand between her greater self esteem and her painful circumstances. It was deception, however, pure and simple, and if she did it to FAVOR you, she can also do it in your DISFAVOR. The poet Maya Angelou said it best: "When someone shows you who they are for the first time, believe them." 3. You are not paying attention to issues of character in your partnership selection criteria. Being young means being hormonally challenged, which distracts a person from paying attention to what is actually important in a relationship, and crucial in a partnership arrangement that is expected to last at least 7 or more years. Your 20's are FOR establishing and maintaining good personal habits. So keep a mental list whenever you're in a dating situation. If they fall off the "partnership list", they fall into the, "short term relationship, low expectations list." If they seem unable to deal with that classification from you ina healthy way, you don't feel comfortable in their presense, or they are just plain obnoxious, they fall off the "short term" list and into the, "do not call, do not write, do not give your phone number to," list. In fact, if they don't seem to be good partnership choices, don't give out your phone number. Another clue: if they are quick to give out their phone number, they go immediately to the, "short term," list. And that's because they are in too big a hurry to enmesh themselves in someone else's life. If they can't stand being alone with themselves, how is anyone else expected to be comfortable with them, either? Here's a plan for remediating a situation where there is confusion as to the functionality of the relationship: two weeks, zero contact, zero drive-bys, zero hang-up phone calls, zero showing up to places where they might be, nothing. At the end of those two weeks, the agreement is to come together on neutral turf and decide which direction the relationship is going to go. If the agreement is to move forward as a couple, the next evaluation time is at 90 days. If at that time either party does not feel that the relationship is worthy of any further investment (because of the down-time required to be restored to pre-coupled sanity), you break it off at that point. Period. You move on with your lives. At six months it is time to decide whether or not to consider a partnership or living together arrangement. If you've been struggling to get along or agree on much of anything, or there's been alot of emotional instability with either party, opt out. Trust me, there are better problems to be had in this big, wide world. It may feel personal, but it really isn't. Better to hope for 4 happy people than 2 very miserable ones. The last point I want to touch on is your ages. If you both decide to couple and make a go of it, this means that you are foresaking all others for quite some time. This is not the most compassionate or self-loving choice to make at this stage of your lives. It is better to set sail and travel the seas of your experience, learn your patterns, become comfortable with the ones you appreciate, and discard the ones that aren't working for you. In this way, you are less apt to feel like your hormones trapped you into commiting to a relationship that wasn't quite as entincing as you once thought it was. Coming together as friends who have really tried to live their lives makes for a much better coupling than the kind that happens when two uncertain or insecure people bond, get some strength, and then start questioning themselves mercilessly until everyone becomes uncomfortable. I don't know if this woman will work out for you. It really doesn't matter. You have alot to offer a woman, and will have more the longer you wait. Time is on your side, period. As women age, they LOSE power while men GAIN it. So be compassionate for her need to strut her stuff for a while. She won't always be as beautiful as she is today. When it comes to pretty women, keep your hand on your wallet. If you're not getting a good, interesting or enticing value for your time, shove off. There are plenty of fish in the sea. 4. You both seem young. You both seem to have positive feelings for one another, but you need to remember that I am seeing with your eyes at the moment. There is still a possibility that this woman is not quite the maiden I've understood her to be.

...I believe you're looking for a "dildo" or "vibrator." Electric massagers will work well, too. There's a ton of information on the web on this subject, so I won't go into details. Just place "physician" "female orgasm" "G-spot" "pre-orgasmic" into Google and sift through the information. You have a medical question, so avoid the trap of examining X-rated sites until you have a solid medical understanding of your situation. Above all, don't freak out because you can't make yourself come. The female orgasm is a complex and complicated thing that, once turned on, brings hours and hours of delight. But getting there may be a challenge depending on your psychological and physical predicament.

...here's the deal. There is a higher level in the order of things that you can use to "hear" what she is saying to herself. When she says, "human beings disgust me," what she's really saying is that she is disgusted by herself. She is projecting the guilt she harbors inside of herself onto the world. It's that simple. And this is true with all people, too, it's just easier to see it when someone else is doing it, rather than ourselves. We like to think of ourselves differently than what we see going on, "out there." However, the ancient sages (and my experience) make it clear: while the rest see themselves as, "in the world," the avatar sees the whole world, "in himself/herself." If this woman doesn't work for an intelligence operative, she will be very soon. I suggest you inform the police that she is making terroristic threats towards you and that you want to make the local authorities aware of her behavior. It is quite profoundly mentally ill. If she is working for an intelligence agency, she will have a mentor or "handler" who is responsible for her actions/behavior. If you can find out who that individual is, you will likely be refreshed by the control they have over their subject. In the meantime, ratchet down on the drama here. You are simply a messed up guy with problems who finds himself with -- yup, you guessed it -- a messed up chick. The challenge is not how to make this relationship work, because it won't. It can't. If either party in a relationship acts in such a way as to not want a relationship, the relationship is gone. And if she is reeling you in and then making you sorry for your weakness, she is acting in such a manner as to be equivalent to NOT WANTING a relationship with you. So the trick, if you want to think of it that way, is to simply starve your addict OUT. Do not FEED the addiction and within a month she will have no hold over you -- and you'll thank your lucky stars that she does not. That means at LEAST two weeks (I'd recommend a month) of ZERO contact. No drive-bys, no hang-up calls, no sitting and thinking for hours about her, no notes, no looking for her in all the places you think she might be -- NOTHING. After a couple of weeks you will find yourself strong enough to RUN away from her and avoid contact. You must withdraw from her or she will own you, and she means no one well. Do not listen to her bullshit. Follow through for YOUR OWN SANITY with your best efforts at causing a clean break to occur. If she defeats your efforts then the authorities need to be made aware of her predation. It's not funny and you must learn that this is NOT LOVE, but addiction and cruelty. Best of luck to you. May you have the strength of character to deal with this menace. If you don't have it, you will either obtain it or you will be dead, it's that simple and it is that serious. Get acquainted with your local police substation employees to get a feel for how they treat situations like yours is threatening to become. You will need help here because no one can just wish a barnacle away.

...is let go of people we can not give ourselves to comfortably. I know how much this hurts. I've been here. Ouch. We spend so much time in church learning how to love others that we never learn how to love ourselves. That makes loving others as we love ourselves next to impossible. You already know what you have to do to remain true to yourself. You need to find the safest possible port for the upcoming storm. That means locating a therapist you can trust. That means cultivating six very close and trustworthy friendships with women who have no investment in your relationship with your husband. Try going to a codependents anonymous or al-anon 12 step group meeting. The people you will need to stand by you are most likely to be found there. Everyone has at least one of these relationships in their history. Once you get yourself situated, you can begin unwinding what went south on you in your partnership selection process....

...get away from this woman, if you can. These things never end well. If you can't, then cultivate the friendship of a trustworthy woman who can walk you through the recovery from this kind of trauma. Just because a human being can cue-up seemingly appropriately to your questions and concerns does NOT mean that they are fully human. This woman has been gravely injured and is incapable of feeling feelings in the same way that you or I do. She is completely self absorbed. These individuals can lay waste to whole STAFFS of psychotherapists...you do not have a chance in hell of being helpful here. Do not listen to her, listen to YOU. You are in pain and can feel that incredible pull towards certain disaster. Either you will avoid going there because you understand what your gut is telling you, or you are going to have to be thrashed by this ugly human being. More later...I have to run...

...OTTLites. These are full spectrum lights that you can turn on at night to help alleviate some of your symptoms. This sounds like clinical depression or some clinical pathology to me. I had alot of clinical stuff going on when I was in high school and I never sought any outside help. I suffered for many, many years that I could have spent really enjoying myself. I was terrified of anyone finding out how crazy I actually was. I had always BEEN the way that I was, so for me to accept that I was crazy NOW, would mean that I was always crazy. I couldn't accept that reality, so I had to hide my illnesses. Today I am glad that I finally got some help on my own terms. The terms my parents and others would have offered me were just too stigmatizing and far too frightening.

...you don't have to identify ANYTHING about HER situation. You just need to identify your own. I've chased the dragon with avoidance-addict and borderline females long enough to know that my self doubt and personal insecurities present themselves as opportunities to this type of woman. The short answer is to simply walk away. The long answer is to describe a painful situation that has just occurred between the two of you, explaining what you saw in objective terms. Then talk about how that situation made you feel. Then ask for a different behavior from her. Then let her say how she felt in that situation and give her the opportunity to ask for different behavior from you. Then you come to an agreement about how the situation gets handled in the future. Then you both let the situation go. When she does the same shit again, which she will, then you need to simply walk away. Real relationships are simple and spiral upward into greater levels of comfort and security. Addictive or dysfunctional relationships are never-ending downward spiral of spree and remorse, incredible sex followed by gut-wrenching breakups. You don't have to ride the garbage truck all the way to the dump.

...trust your gut. The right person won't produce anything like these kinds of mixed signals. First work on YOU, then there will be the possibility of healthy intimacy.

...I was in this place many years ago. Here's what I found out about me and what it could mean for you. I had several early childhood experiences of abandonment and betrayal at the hands of my female caregivers and female peers. Ipso facto, I was terrified of women. Never dated anyone until my last six months of high school. And I played Varsity basketball. It was there if I would only have asked. Lots of it. But I figured I was just painfully shy. For some reason. And I hated that about me. I hated how I always snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. First, it helps to put the right labels on things. You're not shy and you're not simply afraid of this girl...you're terrified. You have a strong hormonal drive to connect, but your "gut" is telling you that this woman will simply grab you by your hormones, sling you around, and leave you high and dry. Hence you are terrified. And conflicted. And confused. I wish I knew THEN what I know NOW because this is what I'd do NOW. Hit and run. Keep my feelings out of it. Make it purely mechanical. She wants to be a player, well, then play. And then leave me the h-e-double toothpicks alone. But here's what could happen if you take this course of action without the kinds of purification experiences I've been through over the course of 20 years. You will fall desperately and hopelessly in love with this man-eating female. She will own you. You will sacrifice vital parts of your anatomy and self esteem just to have access to sticks to throw at her titties. Quit watching TV. Quit listening to commercial radio. These sources blast your subconscious with messages that tell you that you need to live your life according to this very wasteful and contrived model of reality. And guess what? Their model will leave you feeling hollow and wanting more and more. And spending more and more money to try to fill the empty space that seems to be getting deeper and deeper the harder you try to fill it. So turning off, or severely limiting your access, to TV and commercial radio will help to shunt some of these messages. They are toxic bullshit that will keep you playing victim for decades. Welcome to capitalism and consumerism. Now graduate. Trust your gut. It hasn't evolved to the stage of self doubt. If you can't keep your heart out of what is showing all the classic signs of a bump and run, then wait for that soft, gentle soul who stands quietly and shyly off in the corner of the dancefloor...or cafeteria. The one who's not bad looking, but no great prize, either. The one who seems to be having as much trouble with these hormones as you are. You are guaranteed at least a 15 minute conversation, perhaps a twirl or two, and your first lesson in how to be a friend to a woman. When your hormones tug at you to do something and you feel anything LIKE turmoil going on inside of you, WALK THE OTHER WAY. Be grateful for this built-in wisdom, regardless of how you got it. It is the wisdom of the wolf.

...we are hearing only your side of this issue. But that's enough. If either partner is in pain, both are, it's just that some people have dysfunctional ways of dealing with pain. Don't waste time making idle threats and handing down ultimatums. Accept that you are hurting and are being ignored and invalidated. Take responsibility for how you are feeling and the causes and conditions that make that hurt a pattern in your life. The old saw about a snake always biting is true; you just have a thing for snakes, so to speak. Don't listen to a snake tell you how they won't bite you, that's bs. Snakes bite and victims get victimized, that's just what those roles are for -- it's their job. It's really not as personal as we like to make it out to be. You need to make mistakes because that's the only way we can learn. Just know that you can never fail. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time, all will be well. Eventually. A principled life is lived according to a set of working principles NOT because it looks good, but because it leads to MORE good feelings MORE of the time. If virtue and discipline were ends to be pursued for their own sake, they would have never been discovered by humanity...there had to be a pay-off somewhere and it had to be quite large to justify such a high entry fee up front. I stumbled accross some simple principles that have been working for me for the past 12 years. I wasted my twenties, "wingin' it," and things were in a downward spiral and the cycles were getting faster and faster. I've flushed alot of toilets in the northern hemisphere...I knew where things were heading. I'd recommend finding a good group of 12-steppers (CoDA, Al-Anon) and getting to know the people who are regulars there. You don't have to move out today, but you need to begin taking steps to secure your ability to take care of yourself without having to depend on your husband. If this is going to be strictly about love and the things you need in it and from it, it can't be about money and security. Those things have to be provided by you, for you, and for your kids (if you have any). Once you are ready to let go, it should be about emotions and feelings, not fear of starving or being without medical care. The focus is on the emotional connection and personal integrity. You can't fail when your priorities are in the right place.

...then here's what you need to do. Recognize and accept that you are at your wit's end with this fellow. I think you've done that, but you are missing one important piece: why in the H-E-double toothpicks would I stay with someone for 4 minutes, let alone 4 years, who is an emotional vacuum cleaner? What is it about ME that makes this kind of situation THAT attractive? No, you don't get to say, "because I wanted us to work out, I wanted to be a good wife," blah-blah-blah. Believe me, if you could see the emotional battery you're taking in physical terms, you'd have left this fellow before he could ask you for a second date. But you didn't. You were blind to the signs of who this guy was going to be in the relationship. I assure you, the signs were there. We don't teach our children to learn how to keep their brain engaged during courtship so that they can learn, "not to burn." Now that I've said this much, let me offer you some hope for where you are. If you can't work this one out, I assure you, you will simply find another emotional abandoner to partner with until you get this wound in your healed. You need to have a plan. Once you raise the stakes by moving out, he may suddenly get a heart with some wings on it. That happens alot. So you're not quite hopeless, but you are too damn close for comfort. Makes sure that whatever goo this man has stuck in his head it gets removed -- permanently. That goes DOUBLE for you. Do NOT accept half heartedness in a partnership where you are giving everything you have to give. That's self abuse. That turns into abuse FROM your partner over any considerable period of time. Best wishes and do your best to save what you have.

...get thee to an AA meeting. An English speaking one. This simple willingness will be repaid one thousand fold. Yes, you can change, but if you could do it on your own you would have done so long ago. You need help, and you need the help of others who think and behave just like you. I assure you, you are not alone. As any ex-drunk in AA will tell you, we are egomaniacs with severe inferiority complexes. But there is a solution, I found it, and you can, too. If the "god" word troubles you, don't worry...it troubles everyone at first. What it means is, "Good Orderly Direction." If it feels like brainwashing, then maybe that's what you need. Lord knows you've been washing your brain with alcohol for longer than you should have. And always remember that it is better to be in AA on accident than out there drinking and rotting your life on purpose.

...you and I have learned the fine art of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. I wanted to do good things with my life, but I wanted a love relationship that would be a ball and chain at every turn. I convinced myself that I was strong enough to pull my baggage and hers and still move forward. I was right. But I was stilling pulling a load that other people weren't, and my peers left me in the dust. In my case, it was an unstable mother and a pattern of mother figures who abandoned and betrayed me all during my formative years that lead me to repeat this pattern well into my adult years. Contrary to how folks explain it, I prefer my way: a child will move heaven and earth to survive and love their parents. They will even kill off parts of themselves -- important parts -- in order to SEE what they are getting from Mom and/or Dad is LOVE and SURVIVAL. Which means that if the FACTS of Mom or Dad's behavior do not conform to this preconceived (and very natural) theory, THEY WILL BE DISPOSED OF. And so these same people come into our lives not so much because we think they are "comfortable," so much as we have these blind spots in our perception. And so it is that the rocks in my head fit the holes in her's. Go to Amsterdam. Get laid. Let off some steam. Wait a couple of weeks and see if you really want a relationship with a woman this unstable and emotionally abusive. One more thing: quit blaming yourself for your mistakes. You're the best YOU that you can be, and that's worth loving well. You have SURVIVED up to this point in time, and that much is particularly superb. Yes, you have baggage, and if it is anything like mine, it's going to take years to check it all back in. In the meantime, you have a life to live and enjoy. Resentments will come along soon enough to help guide you to the next set of bags that are due for shipping -- don't go looking for them. Never get into a fight with a pig...you'll both get muddy and the pig likes it.

...don't play games when you have strong feelings for someone. Shower the People you love with love, and show them the way that you feel. If they squirm or become uncomfortable, they're not able to be honest. Yet. If they need mystery, you can play games later on on a level playing field where everyone knows who's going home with whom and there's no real danger of one person, "getting over," or grifting, somebody else. Politeness and consideration are very important, especially early on, in a relationship. And that needs to go in both directions. Keep your brain engaged and keep asking YOURSELF the hard questions. You're doing an excellent job of keeping YOUR SIDE of the street clean. Keep it that way. That's something that will keep you warm and fuzzy on cold, stormy days. It means you have solid self esteem and are working to keep it that way. Don't get hooked into anyone, "special," until you've both invested heavily into the "breakfast" of the relationship. If you keep putting up the bacon and she keeps providing the eggs, then somebody is playing chicken. Love, contrary to popular media, is not about lust and romance, it's about commitment and partnership, so don't let a chicken take you for a ride. You'll both get pulled over and it will be YOU who gets ticketed for allowing a chicken to drive your vehicle. Your life is a helluva long ride and it's just alot more fun when you learn to let go with love and let people do what it is that they're gonna do. People leave, people die -- both of those things happen as a matter of nature and life on life's terms -- so what does it mean to me when either of those things are not okay with me? Shouldn't they be okay if I am a part of life and want to live in it? You will NEVER go wrong telling someone the truth about how good you feel when you are around them. If that just bursts their bubble or their balloon, they're still playing games. Piss on it. Life is in session. Take no prisoners and learn from every single interaction in your life every single day. When you do this, you will never fail. Those who never fail have very good lives. Stay in the saddle and keep your guns loaded.

...this happened to me. Many times. The buzz you were feeling was infatuation. But, in this case, you were filling in alot of the empty space that he wasn't. You were fantasizing and believing that this guy was somewhere he wasn't. Never trust yourself around people that trigger this "disconnect" in you. This is love-hunger and it is something you have to get a handle on or you will be repeatedly victimized, if not outright emotionally raped, by the serial predators that bounce from one woman to another. Rather than just trying to control yourself and be appropriate, quit hiding. If you're sick or ill, that's going to come out. Don't be afraid to make mistakes and to learn. You will waste time holding out for the right time to tell someone how you feel about them. Nothing keeps everyone honest like open and truthful communication. The other thing I see that you're doing here that I did is that you aren't truly listening to the other person. The buzz is making it hard to hear what the other person is REALLY saying to you. Some people say one thing but their body language, tone of voice, or eye contact says something completely different. Anytime you get mixed messages, ask about it. Politely. But know full well that if someone's attentions are not maintaining a "reasonable" focus on you (this will depend on the social situation and circumstances of the conversation), then this is HOW THEY WILL RELATE TO YOU AS A PARTNER. I have saved myself many days of untolled grief by simply keeping my brain engaged while I tried to have a simple conversation with the person that was holding my interest. I usually discovered that what they were pulling my me in to tell me, contrary to their words, was that my eyesight and fantasies were not satisfactory barometers for judging a person's fitness for a relationship with me.

...part of the lesson of this situation is to develop the maturity required to accept that some things between people never get resolved. There is nothing we can do about them. We are powerless to effect a choice in the other person to be loving and kind. Or, perhaps the most loving and kind thing that they are capable of is avoiding causing you more harm by telling you what they really think of you, and WHO it is that they really are. Instead of your fantasy. Most often, in my experience, what is going on with a person whose goodbyes are, shall we say, "unrefined," is that they are doing what some women do when they leave an earring or an article of clothing behind in a man's apartment that they wish to see again...or that they wish to remain faithful to them alone. It's the primal equivalent of urinating on a person's nest. Do NOT get sucked in to this sort of game. It was certainly very damaging and hurtful for me when I did. I couldn't believe that after two years of not interacting, of going out of my way to avoid, my former partner in a rather intense and torrid love relationship, that she could still make me miss her so bad that I cried for four days when she finally left town and was on her way. I never forgot that lesson. It made me so angry with myself for not believing what I first saw in this rather shallow woman's eyes. I had come to believe that she was so much more like me, over time, than she really was. She left a rather stinking wound in my heart that I've never completely forgotten. It's been ten years and I don't want to interact with this person, and I don't want a relationship that even remotely reminds me of those feelings of manipulation, abandonment and betrayal. For her it was just a big game. For me it was the language of my heart, an unspoken language I thought that she knew. Perhaps she did, I just believed that things that come from people's hearts are always true. Sometimes they aren't, or they get overruled by what is happening and not happening inside their heads. That's why it's ALWAYS BEST to keep your brain engaged for a good six months before you ever completely relax and accept that the relationship you are in is worth pursuing. Most won't make it to 90 days, in my experience. But you WILL protect your heart from alot of damage and abuse if you keep your heart protected for a good long while. And, again, chalk this rather kind cut and its stinking wound to experience. Don't ever let yourself be fully owned and operated by someone else, and certainly not someone you've known, intimately, for less than five years. Too many sociopaths out there.

This is the kind of relationship I avoid like the plague because I have a tendency to become addicted to just about anything. It's like someone dangling candy in front of a diabetic who is jonesing for sugar. It's cruel, but it is effective. If I'm correct, she could well be up for a transfer of custody back to you in order to enable this "growth," she needs to settle down. If you present it correctly, she could walk right into it. She needs to be REALLY alone and undistracted by a child and anyone other than herself because that's where the problem actually lies for her. It's what's best for everyone concerned in this case. If she doesn't go for it, she's most likely gaming you. If it goes on for much longer, it's just a sick and despicable game because it means she's using a precious child to keep you on the hook while she searches for, "the better deal." Piss on that noise. A child needs stability and raising one at your age grows character. Quit sprinkling faery dust on her memory and learn to look INSIDE a woman before you let yourself get carried away in your own fantasies. It will save you time, heartache and a ton of money.

...I had a couple of experiences with the ladies in my life like this. Our sexual identities may be different, but the emotional results are extremely familiar. It's important to know that you are not wrong to feel the way you feel. What you are feeling is not, "normal," but given your background and upbringing, it is perfectly understandable. You will find this out at a feeling level when the time comes. Right now it's just a buncha words. Know that these feelings are not forever. These feelings will not kill you even though they feel like you are dying, or going crazy. If you spend more than a couple weeks without uninterrupted sleep, get some outside help from a psychiatrist or a trusted MD. Sleep helps. This crushing depression you are experiencing is clearly life-threatening. You are right to ask for help with these feelings. These feelings are extremely overwhelming and, as I'm sure you realize at a feeling level now, can easily lead just about anyone to end their lives. But this isn't necessary. It may make things harder for you in the long run. Alot of suicides don't succeed, leaving the victims maimed or damaged and unable to enjoy their lives after the feelings pass. I won't overwhelm you with everything I've learned, but I will tell you that there is hope for you to enjoy your life without these crushing dependencies on other people. You can have the love you need to live, but you do need to understand that some growth on your part will be required. Once you achieve this growth, you won't be attracted to people who could, or would, do this to you. And they won't be attracted to you, either. This process takes some time, but simply putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, will get you through. If you can learn to take care of yourself appropriately when you are this depressed, you will be that much stronger for the growing you're going to need to do. But for now, get some rest, eat right, and find some compassionate and trustworthy folks you can hang with. I would recommend a CoDA group or an AA group that identifies itself as "lambda" or as a gay and lesbian group meeting. There may be predators in the group, so keeping your dukes up, emotionally, is appropriate. But I think you will find the love you need to heal from this trauma, the last trauma, and the trauma that set all of this torment into motion in the first place. There is hope.

...I think you already know what she wants to hear. If you knew what love felt like, you'd have given her what she wanted to hear. But you have some confusion and that's okay. There could be other issues going on for you, too, that both attracted your girlfriend, but also give you feelings of numbness that make feeling things like, "love," very difficult, if not impossible. So no matter what happens, don't let anyone make you feel guilty because you don't have access to the feelings others would like you to feel. Whether they choose to acknowledge it, or not, other people choose to be with you BECAUSE of who you are. If you like the people you're attracting, then there's no action required on your part. If, however, there is a disconnect between what you say you want, and who shows up as a result, then there are things you can do to correct that situation. Above all, relationships are gifts we give to ourselves. If a relationship isn't at least interesting for you, and hopefully fun, then it's not about giving yourself a gift.