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solstice48

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  1. solstice48
    I feel for you my friend; you've got a real predicament on your hands. I'd have to say that for the most part the solution needs to be resolved by your girlfriend. What's going on should be a major concern to her in order to go forward in your relationship. Talking about what's going on is great but there's going to have to come a time when action speaks louder than words & it sounds like your not getting much of that. It's really an issue for your girlfriend & she needs to look within herself to find the answer. It's pretty obvious this is putting some stress into your life & unless things change it's not going to get better. The big question is, why was your sex life so great earlier in your relationship & now it's in the gutter. It appears you've done & are doing all you can to find the answers but your girlfriend needs to do some work as well. And if you think there's anyway you're going to change your girlfriend you better give up that idea now because the only person you can change is yourself. You've mentioned the ways this is making you feel about yourself & that's not going to do much to help how you relate to your girlfriend or your relationship. Pretty soon you'll start to resent her for everything your feeling & I think you can figure out where that will lead. Maybe if you spent some time a part it would give your girlfriend some time to seriously ponder what's going on within her & how it relates to your relationship. She needs to come up with some answers of her own & realize where things are headed if she's not willing to find a solution in some way. Remember a relationship is a shared experience, the responsibility of both & occasionally it requires taking that relationship to the edge to find the true meaning of what it is for both individuals.
  2. solstice48
    I admire your perseverance in trying to change things. Pity sex is just as bad as sex out of obligation, which is how it felt coming from my ex. There's a book called "Mars & Venus in the Bedroom", I felt it was pretty good at explaining what a man looks for in a relationship as far as sex goes. In fact I thought it was good enough that I asked my ex to read it (along with a few others) hoping it might help her see my side, she said she'd read it but it never happened. This all leads up to the fact that if a person is not interested they're not going to do much if anything to fix things. It does seem suspicious to me that your girlfriend is acting this way because it's pretty close to the way my ex was behaving when she was wrapped up in her affair. But I could be way off about that. Another thing is if she had any bad experiences in a sexual way when she was younger it would prevent her from acknowledging she had a problem locked away in herself or possibly even being aware of it. Or it just might be that just as my ex told me "sex is not that big a deal with me". If that's the case then it comes down to what Noggy said in a previous post, you have two choices and neither one sounds like a happy one.
  3. solstice48
    I got this from Psychology Today & thought I'd pass it on, hope it helps. Sexual incompatibilities can be fixed, right? And sexual disappointment isn't the worst problem when so much else is good about the relationship, right? Wrong and double wrong. First, while it is true that sex therapy can help many problems (especially mechanical ones such as erectile failure or pain during intercourse), it has a woeful track record when it comes to creating or resurrecting sexual desire. Second, while therapists can improve a lover's skill, either you have compatibility in bed or you don't. You can put someone on skates and they can learn to make it around the rink, but triple lutzes? No. Sex isn't important if it isn't important to both of you. But, if one partner is interested and the other is not, the interested party will rarely be content to just forget about it
  4. solstice48
    I thought I was reading my own words when I saw your post. Let me give you a heads up, if you don't find an answer to this now it'll only get worse. I was married for 25 years & my ex had the same attitude towards sex. It got to the point where I'd see how long each of us could go without even the mention of sex, she won hands down each time. Let me tell you she could have went on until hell froze over. All of the frustrations your feeling is exactly the way I felt & I couldn't understand why. To make things more interesting she had an affair with a former high school boyfriend, maybe that didn't confuse me. We (I) worked through that & we stayed together for 12 more yrs until she decided she wanted out of the marriage. I only found out some time after we were married that she had issues with sex & it got progressively worse as time went by. The point I'm trying to make is that you better get this all out in the open & find out the reason behind the problem. Going to a counselor might be the way to go, but if your girlfriend is anything like my ex (& she sounds pretty close) she will probably be reluctant to go if at all. Try to be as loving & as caring as you can in letting her know what this is doing to your relationship. I know it'll be difficult to not have her feel any pressure in what you'll be telling her but she has to know it has to be resolved in some way & it starts with good communication. If things go on you'll never get that intimacy that comes with being close to another person & maybe, no make that probably, one day you or as in my case my former partner will start wondering if something better can be found with someone else. Good luck & I hope this might help you deal with a tough road that you might be looking at.
  5. solstice48
    It's out there for you, with the feelings you have in your heart how could it not be?
  6. solstice48
    To be with someone in which you can find the true meaning of love Someone to snuggle up to when you say goodnight Someone to help you through the tough times in your life Someone to say "I love you" to & know they feel the same towards you Someone to bulid your dreams with Someone to help you with the laundry Someone to talk to & know they'll never judge you Someone you can truly be yourself with
  7. solstice48
    I got the same words thrown at me after 25 yrs of marriage. My ex said she loved me but wasn't in love with me & that was because she was loving someone else. I'm afraid in many cases that's the way it turns out.
  8. solstice48
    I thought I'd jump in to let you guys know your part of what seems like a growing group of men whose women feel that they need to find themselves & take off to do it without any regard to what a marriage is all about. I was married for 25 years & my ex just decided she didn't want to be married any longer. Of course I got the old "I love you but I"m not in love with you" line & also "we can still be friends", yeah right is this high school or what? I don't know what's going on that makes so many feel as though that the commitment they made was just words they uttered at one time. Anyway, from out of the blue & down the road four months later I'm divorced & still feeling the pain & grief left by a person I really thought I knew. Lately I've found my emotions go from love to true anger towards a woman that I shared most of my life with, & how someone can just wake up one day & say they no longer love you is beyond me. I worked through my ex having an affair at one point in our marriage & looking back I suppose I should have realized the person that was really there. Unfortuanely the years went by & now I find myself out in the singles field again & not really enjoying it. I try to remind myself about two things, what a man can do, & what a man can't do. I can't get my ex back ( & I probably wouldn't want that even if it was possible), but I can move on & try to rebuild my life. I hope you guys can do the same.
  9. solstice48
    Generally the grass will be greener if you stay where you are & water it
  10. solstice48
    I really can't understand how people can talk about marriage as if it's a business transaction. We're talking about people's lives here. What happened to the commitment we promised our spouse. Why do some people find it necessary to go outside their marriage to find their "happiness" when they should be looking for it within themselves. Speaking as a man who's wife left him I can tell you your husband is going to be extremely hurt by what's happeneing. Have you tried any counseling at all? I'd hope that you'd put as much effort into making your marriage work as you have into your affair. At the very least you should be talking to your husband about what's going on. I'm sure there's going to be a lot of grief & anguish in whatever you do.
  11. solstice48
    I'll try not to sound too negative but I got those same words from my ex about 6 months ago. We were married 25 yrs & one day its "I don't love you & I don't want to be married" & " I love you but I'm not in love with you". In my case it seemed my ex already had her mind made up & was on her way out leaving me to crawl through the jungle that my world turned into. I'm just like you in that I was commited to my marriage, took my vows seriously & was always loyal. I thought we could deal with any problems she felt there was in our relationship or within her. But she just did not have the willingness to do anything that might have saved our marriage. I think its a good idea to be seeing a counselor for yourself &/or for the both of you. Again I don't want to be on the down side of this but I've read a lot of posts on here & elsewhere & it seems that for the most part the women that have had the same feelings are not able to rekindle their love. I'm not saying there are not exceptions & I certainly hope your wife is one of them! As long as you keep the communcation open between the both of you & seek out some counseling it might help you both see a better future together. Having someone look at things from the outside sometimes helps in that they might see things that niether one of you are aware of. Most importantly take care of that baby! All this could just be her feelings from just giving birth. She may be dealing with feelings she's not even able to understand herself. Try to be as understanding as possible & perhaps she'll open up to you about what she may see as the problem. I wish you all the luck & Gods help in getting your marriage & your wife back.
  12. solstice48
    Well you've got one post that I'd like to see the answer to. I've been dealing with the same stuff you are & here it is 6 months down the road & it's still not any easier. Of course I was together with my ex a little longer than you were, 25 years. But it seems we all still go through the same things. Like you I tried like h*ll to not have any contact & I have to say my ex was a lot better at it than I was. Never heard word. I admit I broke down & wrote a few letters & sent several emails but after awhile of not getting anything back I figured she just could care less about me & probably was not reading what I sent anyway. It seemed as though I dropped off the planet as far as she was concerned, like I was never a part of her life for all that time. Even a few words like "I'm sorry it didn't work out" (yeah right after 25 yrs) would have been something. It's as you said one day life seems good, the next the love of your life is telling you they don't love you. How & when did that happen? Then as you also said you look back at what you thought was in your eyes was a good relationship & it hurts when you still can't find anything that seem that bad. Maybe your ex saw things differently but if that's so why didn't they say something? Those good times that pop up in your mind, I've got them too. And it really makes the day go along in a poor way, wondering what she might be doing & with who. Waking up in the morning earlier than you planned & have them on your mind at first light just makes the day seem as though it'll drag on. All day wondering how could someone toss all the plans you had & the dreams you shared so easily? Yes it does get to be overwhelming at times & I'd also like to see what some answers to your question will be.
  13. solstice48
    Speaking as one who was left by his wife after 25 yrs of marriage I can tell you that for the person being left its a nightmare. There are so many emotions that arise out of a divorce that sometimes it's overwhelming. For me it all started (ended) back in Oct. & the divorce was finial in May. The reasons she gave was that she no longer loved me & didn't want to be married. No other explanation or any willingness to try & change things. Since that time I've gone over our relationship so many times it hurts & the thoughts of starting over again are really brutal. I don't know much about what my ex had to deal with but I can guess that in her mind she was already gone by the time she decided to let me know what was going on in her head. If anyone should have any guilt in this whole mess it should be her for not saying anything before it was too late & then walking away from our family, home & the hopes & dream we shared. So if your thinking of leaving be prepared for a flood of emotions you never believed you'd go through. If there's any possibility of working through what your feeling I'd say go for it. But if in the end you still feel its the best to break up then just be as ready as you can for what's going to happen. It will drain you & you may find out as I did without choosing, that life on the other side is way different than what you think it may be!
  14. solstice48
    What your going through is the normal feelings everyone goes through after what's happened in your life. I'm about 4 months into my divorce after a 25 year marriage & I can understand the confussion your dealing with. There seems to be so many things going on in your mind you wonder if you'll ever sort anything out. I know it's difficult to do but try to break down what you need to do into smaller parts. You've got a lot going on so don't expect yourself to be superman. If you can take some time for yourself, get away from whatever your doing even if its just for a short time. There's plenty of us out here feeling lost just like you & there's no short way around it. Just remember to take care of yourself in all that you do!
  15. solstice48
    I don't love you anymore!
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