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butterflycloud

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  1. butterflycloud
    Sorry- Those are not my words...They come from a book called messages from the masters. I too am struggling to let go...to the extent that I am fooling myself into thinking that it can be fixed and we can be together again. The only real reason that I am doing it is because I dont know how to let him go - I guess I am foolishly trying to aviod the inevatible truth!! Subconsciously I think that I am still holding on because I fear him finding someone else so much! So I figure that If I can fix things then he wont be with anyone else- Crazy I know.He just broke me down sooo much that I feel that I cant be without him and that no one will ever love me again. I know I sound like a psycho but Im not- just hurt, confused and feeling rejected. Ive got a lot to sort out!I need to find myself again!!
  2. butterflycloud
    these words helped me a lot- I hope they can help you too in the long hard road to realising that the person that you were with was wrong for you and that you have to let go of those attchements and let them go....
  3. butterflycloud
    One of the most important of life's lessons is to learn independence, to understand freedom. This means independence from attachments, from results, from opinions, and from expectations. Breaking attachments leads to freedom, but breaking attachments does not mean abandoning a loving and meaningful relationship, a relationship that nourishes your soul. It means ending dependency on any person or thing. Love is never a dependency. Love is an absolute, unconditional and timeless state that asks for nothing in return. Since it is important to love and honor yourself, you should not remain in a destructive relationship, even if you feel that you love the other person. The connection with that person might not work because of your partner's problems, lack of understanding, or exercise of free will, but it is important to remember that love is timeless. You will have many more chances to get it right.
  4. butterflycloud
    HI GUYS... sORRY i HAVNT BEEN HERE FOR A WHILE- BEEN REALLY SICK!! I saw the ex on the weekend with my son. The ex was so ugly to our son( the original reason why I divorced him). The ex shouted at our son the whole weekend-you would think that if a dad hasnt seen his son in a while that he would be really nice to him. We landed up having a huge fight- I told the ex that how dare he speak to our son like that!!Anyway we fought- I cried- the usual -and I left with my son. Then yesterday I got this email from him Mathew is our son and Peter is the psychologist who says that the ex is destroying our son) "I have noticed that you are nafi towards me so I'll make the first move. If there is one person that I love the most, It will be Mathew. The way I speak to him is because of hurt and not anger, and sometimes after I've done it, I sit back and think that it wasn't really necessary. Some times I mean it but on Saturday when I sain 'ag, maar gaan kak jy man' wasn't even said in anger. A lot of my anger towards Mat should actually be directed to you. You make me so unbelievably cross and helpless when it comes to him, and I have sadly realised that it would NEVER change. You are quick to point out what other people must change and so busy to think what I do wrong, that you forget to think about what you can change and how you can improve. Unfortunately you think that everything you do for him is good, but one day it will blow up in your face and you will no longer be able to cope with his demands. That day you will realize what you realised about the Kyalami school and everything I said about it. I'm not saying 'I told you so' I'm just trying to make a point. I do not agree on some things that you do when it comes to Mat and I will never approve of it, or try and change the way I operate. This is who I am. I am a nice person to be with, yes, I get mad, but everyone does. All I'm trying to do is be a dad. That is what I am Jann, a dad. Dad's raise their voices and get mad. Dads normally do the discipline. Leave me to do my job (which I only do when you around) Why are you working against me? I think you need to see someone about this,and if you want we can go together. But in Gods name, please get away from that fuc*ed up Peter b*&&. She is only making things worse. And one more thing. Why can I not talk to you without you crying. Do you realize what picture you are painting of me to Mat??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????. Is that what you want Mat to think of me??" Qiute hectic hey?What do you guys think of his email??
  5. butterflycloud
    thanx guys I really appreciate your imput!! I have tried talking to him but my psychologist says that if he hasnt learnt to be compassionate growing up as a child the he will never be able to be compassionate now. So perhaps I am beating my head against a brick wall. I want him back because I am soo sad that my family has been destroyed and that my beautiful little boy will grow up thinking that his dad never wanted to be there. I still love the ex and I am always trying to fix things for everyone. But can people really change? My psychologist says that he will nebver change unless he went for theapy for a few years( the ex was abused as a child and so he has become very hard and self centred). The ex sayshe wants to try again and yet he hasnt once made any kind of effort to see me or to sort things out. He has already attached conditions onto him returning to me. Im such a soft person,I just want things to be ok again.. Maybe Im just in love with what I think I can turn the situation into -a haapy family. Perhaps the reality is that we will never be happy. I am sooo loving and family orientated and the ex is non affectionate and self centred... How do you sought a situation like this out???
  6. butterflycloud
    thanks fo lending me your ears! The ex was verbally abusive and he was never there for us at all. He would be out playing golf, or with friends etc while I was at home with our son(he is 4 now). TH eex hated my mom and that caused a lot of trouble. I supported the whole household while he paid for a fancy car and bike. He never cherished me at all ...and he was incredibly jealous of the time that I spent with our son.He is just sooo self centred..he cant even love his own son. Yet I still love him and I always hope that I can change him and make things better-what a fool I am!!!! We are getting on well now- I supppose that is because there are no stressors there anymore.Maybe I just dont want to be alone... Im just sooo hurt that he doesnt want to fight for me and our son...he wants to be a bachelor and live the good life while here I am trying to see if we cant fix things.... Im leaving work now but I would love to chat some more...I'll post early tomorrow morning. Thanks for everything!! Butterflycloud
  7. butterflycloud
    Thanks sonjam What you said about fixing something that was broken made me cry-maybe it is just supposed to be broken...like everything else in my life. I also knew the ex for 7 years... Im glad that you feel that you are better off...I miss the ex right now so it is hard for me to think that I am better off. Although when he does stuff like this then I have to stop and remind myself why I got divorced!!! I liked your last comment "spread your wings and fly"...it is so similar to the quote that I love most- read below! You would just think that if a man had a beautiful wife, home and magnificent son that all else would come second to that....well I guess not
  8. butterflycloud
    jetta... We have attended counseling for over 3 years and some things got better but I think the root cause has always stayed the same..........You cant make a completely self absorbed person become compassionate and caring-it is just not possible!! Thanks for your kind words anyway!
  9. butterflycloud
    I miss my husband and I wanted to get back together...with an illusion. An illusion that things would change.... I think that after a divorce you are so lonely and isolated that for your own sanity you start convincing your self that you want be back with the ex. All the bad things that made you divorce them seem to fly out of the window and all that is left is the image of a perfect partner. So you go out to persue this with so many new hopes and dreams of the two of you sorting all the problems out and being together forever. Things are good for a while, obviously because there are no stressors- only bliss. But I had my reality check today- I expected him to sacrifice a day on his bike for a day with me. Well I was disappointed. I should have know that Obviously he would chose doing something for himself than for me- What the hell was I thinking to think that he would want to be with me above all else!! Strange how those old patterns start coming out all over again. So I offered another way that we could be together on that day and he agreed but now that I think of it why should I try to work out ways of us being together- why doesnt he do it???? So the illusion has been destroyed along with my heart and dreams....again....
  10. butterflycloud
    why dont you call her...you never know- she may be feeling the exact way you are! You have nothing to lose by calling her- if she rejects you than at least you can deal with it and reaaly move on. But perhaps the two of you can sort it out. If you feel akward to speak to her then why dont you mail her and tell her exactly what you have told us here. Thinking of you... Butterflycloud
  11. butterflycloud
    Having other people influenec the relationship can be very hard especially of it is her parents that disapprove. The age gap is huge I know but what is the soul gap like??? Both of your souls obviously have that deep connection and who is to say how old our souls are..for all you know her souls could be older than yours. Both of you have obviosly chosen to deal with this same issue this lifetime around.Just always remember- dont ever let anyone else dictate your life to you but yourself. People on the outside have their own ideas based on what society says is acceptable but it is you and her who are in the situation. It's a tough one...thinking of you!
  12. butterflycloud
    you have no idae about how much relief writing a letter can bring you! I would tell you to write the letter- even if it is only for yourself. Sometimes there is sooo much healing in venting like that. Write the letter to him but you keep it-there is no point in hurting him just because he hurt you. I know that you probably want to hurt him but what will that achieve? Write the letter for your self healing- as for him...let him deal with what he has got himself into. Trust that there is light at the end of the tunnel...better things are coming your way! Im sorry for your pain and I will keep you in my thoughts.
  13. butterflycloud
    I used to just like you- afraid of looking like a fool to others..... Perhaps your fear has originated in a low self esteem-Do you really know and love yourself?Are you proud of who you are in general? If you know in your heart that you are a good person, capable of being loved and of contributing to society then you shouldnt care what others think. Just remember that even if you do make a fool of yourself infron of others 90% of the time they dont even know or care who you are so why should it bother you as to what they think of you? Also remember that you are assuming that thay think less of you- it is your insecurities that you are projecting onto them. Deep down inside all people are afraid of failure- half the time it is only the stigma of what society will think of them. You are not the odd one out! Know that you are a valuable human- dont let other people's disgusting judgemental behaviours bring you down- know who you are in your heart even if they say different!!
  14. butterflycloud
    thanks...your 'rant' has given me some inspiration. I too want to get back with the ex but as you said- they must come to you- no amount of begging is going to get them back!!In fact it just pushes them further away. Sometimes I just tell myself to leave it all alone and stop thinking about it- Im just sooo tired of thinking and worrying about it all the time. Sometimes we should just all tell ourselves that we are tired of being a wreck and that we just dont care to think about it anymore!!!! My rant for the day!! Butterflycloud
  15. butterflycloud
    congratulations on getting out!!!! I know it takes tremendous courage. You do deserve happiness, but you have obviously been looking for it in the wrong places!!I think that you need to be on your own for a while, I know that you may be lonely now but that 'aloneness' creates such deep sould healing because you get a chance to be who you really are without anyone putting you down. You have obviously been supressed by a very abusive person so take the time to become you again. Of course he is going to try and hurt you know with his mean words. His ego is hurt that you left so in turn he is going to try to hurt you back. Tell yourself these words everyday- "I refuse to eat emotional poison". If he sends you messages the erase them before reading them and if he calls and starts to be abusive then tell him that you are no longer his trash can that he can dump all his negative thoughs into!! Ask the angels to hold you hand through all of this- they will- they are there, ask them to be with you everyday! Keep posting- we will help you get through this!! Love and light Butterflycloud
  16. butterflycloud
    I agree with what everyone else said but I'd like to add on... She is obviously still in your sub-conscious- trying to come out in things whenevr she can.... Also remember that when you get 'coincidences' like that it is merely the angels telling you that you are on track...maybe they are telling you something about the ex...maybe the angels feel that your lessons together are not yet over and that you guys still have to be part of each other's lives.
  17. butterflycloud
    Sounds like a sticky situation. The thing is that a relationship is something that you have to work at- like looking after a flower- if you dont water it everyday it starts to die.... Perhaps you should suggest councilling.WHy dont you ask the ex if she is prepared to give it a bash. You guys have a son together and it is soooo sad when people break-up over issues that could and can be resolved. You guys owe to your child to try and sort it out. Love and light butterflycloud
  18. butterflycloud
    Do you know for a fact that he is having an affair? I think that there is a vicious circle here that you need to identify.This is how I see it: The more you feel insecure about him having an affair the more irritable you get the more you nag. The more you nag the less he wants to be intimate with you- the more you think he is having an affair. This cycle will just go on and on and on until the root cause of it- you feeling insecure- is addressed. Sometimes your own feelings of 'not be good enough' land up getting transfered onto the ones we love. So because you feel bad within yourself you cannot seem to pin point where your distress is coming from so you land unconsciously looking for a reason to feel the way you do. And in this instance you are putting your bad feelings within yourself on your husband by thinking that he is having an affair. Maybe you need to get some help from a councillor or psychologist. I also transfere my emotions onto my ex and it causes havoc!! Really try to geo and see someone... I'll send lots of angels to you!! Love and light Butterflycloud
  19. butterflycloud
    I dont know the whole story but I dont think you should NC. Her notes sounds like she really loves you.....she wouldnt say that if she didnt mean that. It sounds like she is disappointed in herself- sounds like she cant offer you what she wanted to. If she is seeing a councillor then that means that she isnst alright troght now. Dont punish her by not calling- I think she needs your support right now. Dont be over bearing but tell her that you support her in what she is going through and ask her if you can help her with anything. She has withdrawn- that doesnt mean it is because of you- you never know what is going on inside her right now. Try and respect where she is right now- I know it is hard and that u are hurt but all you can do is ask the angels to help her with whatever she is going through and send her love everyday. Hope it works out.... Thinking of you.
  20. butterflycloud
    my mom interferes in a good way- she helpd us out with money if we are really stuck and she really loves our son and does a lot for him. My husband is jealous of our son because I do give him a lot of attention- well obviously- he is only 3 years old. My ex-husband believes that children should be seen and not heard and that a child doesnt deserve the best. I believe that you give your child the best of everything taht you possibly can. The thing is that I miss the ex but I divorced him for my son's sake- I didnt want my child growing up in an environment where I would have to hide gifts for him for fear of my husband seeing that I had bought him something. the ex and my son are getting on better now but as Mentor said- perhaps that is just because they are no longer vi-ing for attention. I feel strange about the whole situation cause I feel as though it wasnt a decision( to divorce) that came from my heart, ie I had to do if for my son(which I dont begrudge at all) and my mom who pressurised me saying that if i didnt get out that both me and my son would be verbally abused forever. At times though I do think it is for the best. It is just that I still love the ex and that is what makes me want to try again...
  21. butterflycloud
    Thanks Mentor We have been to numerous councilors. The two main issues facing us are my mom and our son. The ex hates my mom and says that he would only come back if I told my mom to back off. Then the real reason that I wanted the divorce was that the ex wasnt good with our son at all and I felt the motherly instinct to get the divorce to protect my son in the long run- the ex was so jealous of our son- the ex wanted all the attention.. Since we have been apart the relationship between my son and the ex has improved.I am however not prepared to tell my mom to go to hell just to get the ex back- My mom has made the ex feel 'insecure' because she has supported the family in ways that he should have but choose not to. I guess the question that I really need answered is wether I should consider getting back together or just ignore the whole thing and try to forget and try to move on...
  22. butterflycloud
    I got divorced after 4 years of marriage- and we have a son. I have really been missing the ex and my heart wants him back to try again. The thing is that I spoke to him last night and told him how I felt but the more that he seemed to agree the more I grew 'afarid' to get back with him. As I listened to him speak- he went on about the issues that we had and how we could overcome them- but it was very one sided- he made out as if I should sort out all the issues. So he basically excused himself from any blame. He says that he still loves me and wants to come back but he is afraid of the financial implications. He left the marriage with not much money and he is scared that if we get back together that we may break up again and he will be left in a bad financial situation again. But if he loves me then he should be prepared to take the risk. I want him back but as soon as I hear him agreeing to it then I pull away and think that perhaps it is not such a good idea. Im soo confused- I want to do right by my son but Im not sure what is right! To get back together or not??
  23. butterflycloud
    I know that on paper what Earth flower did was not right but I guess she is in a situation where she feels guilty yet also needs to know where things are going.... She is probably going through felings of confusion at the moment. I think that everyone should help her to establish whare to take things from here. What should she do about the guy?Should she keep the relationship going?Should she move there?Should he move to her?What is their potential future. Sounds like they really shared something- can that really be ignored? I know that what they did was wrong but it is done now- sometimes the power of love is stronger than reason. I have a friend going through the same sort of thing- I can understand how Earth Flower is feeling. thinking of you earth flower!
  24. butterflycloud
    I got divorced cause my parents didnt like the ex..... Sometimes parents have an overwhelming effect on their kids. Some people have a fear of disappointing thier parents and will go to any lengths to keep their parent happy. You never know- maybe she feels like she has to live up to their expectations! If you really love her then I would go and speak to the parents and tell them how much you really care about her-if you want her back then sort the parent thing out right from the start!! Good luck!
  25. butterflycloud
    How do I sort the problems out if we are not together? The problems concern my mom- he hates her and I kand up being the buffer between them all the time- very stressful! And the ex is very jealous of our son-he hates when our son gets attention from me- the ex wants all the attention. I want all the best that I can afford for our son and he ex says that our son doesnt have to have the best- he says that if he never had it then why must our son!!! Are these issues that can be resolved?? I want to be with him but NOT if these two problems are going to persist! Any suggestions?
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