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butterflycloud

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  1. butterflycloud
    Nice to see other South African's here too! Im from JHB and here to chat if you need to. Does what I said to you make sense?
  2. butterflycloud
    But I must agree that if they only want to be with me for my looks then Im not interested at all. You can be the ugliest guy around but if you commect to my essense then you are nos 1 in my books
  3. butterflycloud
    I dont want sound arrogant but I am considered attractive, was even on a dating site and was voted number 1. But I am Never approached and Im not arrogant at all. In fact Im very down to earth! But most of the time I have my son with me and I guess that is off putting to some guys
  4. butterflycloud
    Hi there, I felt the exact same way! At the end of the day it boils down to insecurity- if you dont feel good about yourself from within then you will allow those thoughts of the ex dating someone' better' than you to affect you. You need to tell yourself that you are more than just a physical body- it is your soul that someone will fall in love with and if a women only wants you for your muscles then you had better run a mile! One day when you are old and all your good looks have crumbled into wrinkles and flab then that is the time that you want to look at your partner besides you and know that despite how you look she loves you as much as the first time she ever saw you. So what if the ex finds someone more attractive? They may not be a nice person at all. You need to trust that you are good enough as you are and that because of that you will find the right person for you, muscles or no muscles! Dont allow yourself to be dragged into societies shallowness that unless you have muscles or are skinny that you are not beautiful. Your soul is beautiful and that is what counts! Chin up
  5. butterflycloud
    Gosh Sonjam, you have had a lot to go through! Isnt it funny how they treat you like rubbish and are the horrified that you wouldnt want to take them back when they cry like babies! Well the ex came over last night to see our son and he could feel my vibe. It is starnge- I want him to come over but when he is there all that he does is irritate me and I end up wishing he would go home. He was aslo nasty to Matt( my son). Part of me is hanging on to him ( I think) because Im afraid that I may make the wrong decision to let him go- What if I let him go and I refret it. It also bugs me that he will be with someone else- childish I know. He said something last night that really hurt- He told me that he had taken our son to the zoo with friends of ours and that he had taken a 'friend' with him. He says that she means nothing but he cant seem to stop talking about how beautiful her body is and that she only weight 45KG. I guess he is telling me to hurt me and to make me launch myself into a crash diet to compete with her. When the ex and I werent together I was so happy all tht time- I felt good about how I looked, I went out and I laughed a lot. Now I find myself deperately trying to lose weight as he told me that my figure befor the baby was perfect and now it is imperfect, I find myself anxious all the time and my general disposition quite moody. What can I do to break the attachement to him and to really let him go?? What should I say to him and how do I free myself?
  6. butterflycloud
    I know that I need to get out more, and I used to before the ex wanted me back. But I sat quietly last night and thought about all the 'nice' things that he says to me and as I analysed them I realised how manipulative those words really are. Also what you said ,Sonjam,spiraled in my head- the ex may be able to fool me but he cant fool my son. And I watched him sleeping last night and I know that I never want him to be hurt by his father ie- His dad must NEVER come back- their distant relationship will suffice. Sonjam- did you ever try to get back together with the ex?
  7. butterflycloud
    You are right as is everybody else- they all tell me that he has alternative motives for being nice- all selfish I suppose. Thank -you for what you said about my child knowing the truth about his dad- I never thought of it like that. Just the other day I asked my son if his dad should come and live with us again and my son said that he didnt want his dad to come back but rather to stay in his 'new house'. I just have to try and put my ego aside and try to see through the ex's deception- his selfish deception to get what he wants- just a pretty trophy by his side, just a money tree, just someone else to surpress. Thank-you Sonjam, you really made me think!!
  8. butterflycloud
    Wow, that was incredible. I dont write poetry myself but I could almost taste the feelings in that poem!
  9. butterflycloud
    Thanks Sonjam! Always greatful to hear from you. I will trust my instincts, but how do I stop falling for all his h kind words. He tells me that I am his everything and that he loves me so much blah blah- and I guess that some part of me wants to believe that he really wants me back. Lately I have had such an overwhelming need to be wated by him- is that normal. Gosh, I feel like Im going backwards, erasing all my post divorce progress. Guess that there is aslo a part of me that is soo afraid to let him go andmove on- which is selfish I know. What am I doing wrong- how do I catch the inevitable 'wake-up'?
  10. butterflycloud
    WE were married for 4 years and probably went to about 7 different counselors- yet everything always went back to how it used to be. I did talk to him and I told him that I wasnt sure if I wanted to come back- I told him that I needed a trial period but he keeps on pressurising me to make a decision. Yet in my heart I know that the decision is that I cannot be with him- I know that he says that he'll change but it may only be temporary and I cant risk the ' maybies' with my son. How do I get over the feeling of wanting to be with him. To be honest I enjoy him 'sucking' up to me, which I know is wrong, but Im lonely and to have someone want you is really nice. How do I empower myself to tolerate the lonely weekends and not spend time with the ex? I also need to be fair to him and his feelings- I dont want us to get back together but yet I want to spend time with him- is that normal?
  11. butterflycloud
    I have been divorced for almost a year now. The ex wants to come back now- he says that I am what he really wants and tha he has changed- he used to be verbally abusive and very critical of both myself and my son (4 yrs). Due to lonliness and insecurities I have been entertaining this idea and we have been spending tome together. Yet every time I am with him he says or does things that bring back all that anxiety and hurt back for me- I hear things that made me divorce him over. He says that he has changed- but if he is still saying those things then has he really changed? I feel trapped- I know that we will never work yet when he sends me messages telling me that I am his everything there is a part of me that wants him back and I even think that perhaps we can be together again. Yet in the back of my mind is a voice shouting that we cannot be together and that he will never change. He tells me that in order for us to work we need to comprimise- But I will not comprimise on issues regarding my son. The ex is soooo hard on my son- the child is actually afraid of him, I am the one that tries to provide the best for my son while the ex thinks that my son doesnt 'deserve it'. What is making me hold on to an illusion. Is the ex just manipulating me by sending me nice messages. Does the ex just want to come back for selfish reasons??( I have a house and money and he is up to his eyes in debt).Why cant I let him go? Please help as Im sure that I am confusing me son and myself more and more every day!
  12. butterflycloud
    Im in the exact same situation! The ex wants to come back. You need to question his motive for coming back- sometimes they are not as obvious as they appear to be. He may tell you that he made a mistake and that he wants you back now but is that true. If he truly loved you and was prepared to work on the relationship then why did he leave in the first place. Just make sure that he is not using subtle manipulation( telling you wants to make things right) in order to get what he wants. Im not saying that he is manipulating you but just consider it. It is also tempting to take him back because you have invested so much time, effort and love into the relationship. Just make sure that you are seeing the truth and not an illusion. It is soooo easy to fall prey to that illusion of how good he says things are going to be. Trust your heart and listen to your intuition for your intuition knows better than anyone else as to what you have to do.
  13. butterflycloud
    Pardon my ignorance but who is Snow?
  14. butterflycloud
    Pessimisim comes from an inherent defence mechanism to sub consciously protect yourself from all 'dangers'. In other words you would rather expect the worst and prepare for it so that if it does happen you will not be completely devastated. I must admit that I am very similar to you- I to predict the worst- which to be honest hardly ever happens!! Perhaps you need to see a psychologist so that they can help you probe your sub consciuos to discover the root of your fera that is being translated into fear.
  15. butterflycloud
    I think the fact that he hasnt said the 'L' word is quite admirable. Some people just say it before thay mean because they think that it is 'expected'. At least when he does say it you will know that it is for real!
  16. butterflycloud
    I can identify with our post- I used to feel the same way until a little light was shed on the situation. Relationships play a key role in developing the human soul according to the life lessons that you have choosen to deal with in that particular lifetime. So in other words your lesson (of choosing the wrong type of people to be involved with) will continue to present itself until you begin to understand why it is that your soul is needing that particular lesson. To understand 'why' you will have to analyse how it makes you feel to choose the wrong person and why you think that it keeps on happening. Once you can identify the 'why' you will then be able to establish what the exact lesson is that you are needing to learn. Once learnt you will start atracting the right people into your life. Hope that makes sense- I have choosen many fear and power issues in this lifetime so all my relationships present lessons to me where I am encountered by a powerful individual that I fear taking my power back from. Until I learn how and why to take my power back I will keep on being presented with these types of relationships.
  17. butterflycloud
    sensitivity young man - sensitivity! For a women suspecting that you are pregnant is VERY scary she was obviously traumatised by the event and that it is why she is hesitant to have sex again. Also the reason why she doesnt want to have sex with you is emotional. If you keep being insensitive and not respecting her feelings, the more she will resent you and the even less chance you will have of being intimate with her. If you want the problem to be resolved you have to show her that you care about her feelings and the two of you need to be open with each other. To be blunt though- If sex is the only thing that makes you want to be with her then I think that you need to re-assess your priorities- a relationship is far more than that. Good luck with sorting things out
  18. butterflycloud
    what was your motivation for calling her bad names and being mean to her?
  19. butterflycloud
    Thanks for your advice Sonjam, it is always appreciated! I had thought of dating him for a while to wait for an issue to arise to see if he has changed and to see if he would handle things differently as he has promised. It would break my mom's heart to know that I was 'dating' him again- should I tell her? He is also pushing me to move back in together asap- which I am not keen to do at all. In you opinion can a person really cahnge and realise that what they have done for 4 years was wrong??
  20. butterflycloud
    That does sound suspicious..... Im not sure what to do but I dont like it that she said that ' I am with him now"- to me that sounds like she is definitely hiding something! What ideas did you have to 'bust her'?
  21. butterflycloud
    Thanks for you reply! He hasnt undergone any therapy at all- he just tells me that he has 'realised' that he was abusive and that he has now changed. Do you think I should set paramaters for him to meet first? Like clearing all his debt, going for parenting classes and finding a new job ( as his current job seems unstable). The thing is that my mom has been soooo supportive- she bought me a house and she helps me a lot with my son- if I went back to the ex I fear that I may lose my mom or at least her respect. Most of all I dont want to put my son through any more anxiety! Do you think I sould rather leave the whole thing? Should I just wait for my feelings for him to fade?
  22. butterflycloud
    Hate to be the one to tell you this but that probaly means that you rae pregnant. But dont panic just yet. You need to go and have your blood tested at the doctor as this is more accurate than the urine test. You need to go to the doctor now because if it is early enough, and u dont want to keep the baby, he may be able to give you a combination of hormone pills that will automatically flush your uterus out. If you are pregnant then perhaps seek counselling to establish wether you and your partner want to keep the child or not and the other options available. I know that what you are going through is VERY scary- I was in the same position 4 years ago. I decided to have the child. Here if you need to chat!
  23. butterflycloud
    The ex and I have been divorced for a year now. All this time he has wanted me back. He was abusive( emotionally) and very bad with money. He says that he has realised how much I, and our son mean to him and that he is prepared to change and will move mountains to be with us again. There is part of me that does still love him but do I take him back, do I take the chance?Do I risk reuniting the family allowing my son NOT to grow up in a divorced home, do I risk the potential of my son being emotionally abused,or should I stick to my original decision to be without the ex? I just dont want to make the wrong decision for my son's sake! Thank-you for taking the time to read and respond!
  24. butterflycloud
    I know that it is easy to sleep with them again because the two of you are just so comfortable with one another. I did it and I wish i hadnt because it just delays the whole process of letting go.
  25. butterflycloud
    Dear Sam Thank-you sooo very much for your response- wow what wise words you had to offer! Because I am such a soft and loving person I find it difficult to hurt another and would rather allow myself to hurt to save the other. But your words have really empowered me. I wasnt going to take him back but I was feeling guilty about not being prepared to give him another chance but after reading your post I agree with you- Abusers dont deserve a second chance! I read your post to my mom and she sends her thanks to you too! Sending you angels of appreciation. You really have lifted my spirits!
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