LadyV

Thanks for the thoughts. I ended the RLT about 6 weeks ago & i've no regrets. He's a good bloke but not the one for me.

Here's my thoughts & like danylion, i'm in the same situation as your ex. Whilst there was no-one else involved, my ex walked away like you. I was absolutely gutted & it took me along time to move on (or so i thought). After 6 months of pretty much NC, we started talking again. We both looked forward to speaking/seeing each other & it went from there. Although early days, we're back together & things are good. We've done alot of talking, he's explained why he left & i understand. Whilst there are no guarantees that he won't walk again, i've got to believe what he says. Do i trust him? Not 100% but i'm getting there & he's helping with what he's saying/doing. One of my closest friends is in the same situation too. Her ex walked out with no warning after 7 years (whilst they were looking through wedding catalogues one night). Although it took 6 months, they're back together. He realised what he'd done & is trying his hardest to make things up to her. She has 'down-days' when she questions what she's doing & whether he'll just leave with no warning again but like me, she wants to be with him LT & is comitted to making it work & dealing with the insecurities. I guess what i'm trying to say is that if people want it enough, they can forgive whats happened before. You realise what you've done & the effects its had on your ex & that's a pretty good starting point. If you get the chance, say & prove that you won't walk again. I hope this helps & good luck!

Thanks for your thoughts. My initial post was over a month ago & since then, there's been a bit of a turnaround. We met just after i posted & things have gone from there. We've both done alot of thinking over the past year, alot of talking about what's happened, with the bottom-line being that our feelings are the same & we want to be together. I've got a good feeling about it & maybe it'll be third time lucky. The last month has been great & that's all i say.

I didn't get the whole 'NC' thing until i did it properly. I tried but failed miserably at first but was determined to crack it. It wasn't easy but i got there in the end & it worked a treat. Like you, my ex came back but most importantly, it helped me to put an end to the down days. I picked myself up, moved on & knew i'd be ok. 'NC' does work!!!!!!!!

The last week or so has been a bit mad! Last wkend my ex came home (lives away but family home close to mine) & to cut a long story short, he text on Sunday to see if i fancied making him a cuppa. We haven't seen each other for 9 months & if honest, with whats gone on, i didn't know if i'd laugh or cry when i saw him. He came round for an hour & things were good. Both of us kept quiet, we caught up & had a laugh. When he left my head was in the shed & i didn't know what to think/feel, etc. Anyway, a couple of hrs later he text saying that although short, it was v good to see me & then asked if i'd meet him for a drink later on that night. I went & we talked about all sorts of things. He explained why he walked away last year & i understand now - lots of questions were answered. He went to London for the week on Monday (work) & we've spoken/text everyday. Last night he asked what my plans for the wkend are & asked if we could go out on Saturday night. I can't wait, he can't wait & although it's v early days, it's looking good at the moment. Maybe 3rd chances can work - i'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Thanks icemotoboy, i know exactly what you're saying. A bit of background will probably give more insight so here goes...we were together at the start for 4 years. The first 6 months were great until he moved away with work. Whilst long-distance (not the best), we spent most weekends together & things were good. However, towards the end i started doubting my feelings & i ended the RLT. We kept in regular contact over the next year & i began to realise that i'd made a mistake. I kept quiet for a long time as i knew i couldn't mess up again & when i told him how i felt, whilst it took awhile, he did come back. However, he walked away after 3 months with little explanation. All i know to this day is that at the end of the RLT he wasn't coping very well with things in general & after he'd gone, he had a breakdown. I wanted to be there for him but he shut me out completely & that hurt like hell. Whilst neither of us ever lied or cheated, etc., maybe when i left the first time, it caused too much hurt. I was devastated when it happened to me but at the same time, i've forgiven him & my feelings haven't changed. I didn't believe in knowing someone could be 'the one' until my realisation last year & that's not changing. However, if he doesn't want to be with me for whatever reason, at least i've tried & i'll be happy with that.

Thanks for the thoughts. I know i've got to give it time & the hard part's not knowing what'll happen. I've told him how i feel but know that i've got to take a step back now. I won't ask or put any pressure on him because if he wants to come back, he knows that i won't 'close the door' this time. I'm hoping feelings are still there but i understand if time has changed things.

Was with my ex for 5+ years & the RLT ended last year. I moved on (thought i had anyway), started seeing someone & 4 months later my ex came back saying he'd made a big mistake & wanted the opportunity to make things right. I couldn't handle it at the time & did full NC. We got back in contact at the end of January, i've ended the RLT with the person i was seeing & last weekend i told my ex i wanted there to be a chance for us. He was shocked & didn't know what to say or do. I followed it up saying that if feelings aren't there after whats gone on, i understand if he wants to leave things be. Whilst he hasn't directly responded to what i said, he's initiating contact on a daily basis. What do you make of it? I'm trying to hold off any form of hope but it isn't easy.

I guess you'll know when the time is right but even then it can go pear-shaped. I thought i'd moved on (after being with my ex for 5+ years), that he wouldn't be coming back & he did after 4 months. I couldn't handle it, did complete NC, kept seeing the person i was with & 4 months later (now), its all blewn up in my face. I really thought i'd moved on but i haven't & guess i was doing the whole rebound thing (not good), thinking that i had no choice but to move on. I know i want to be with my ex & i'm trying to build bridges at the moment. I don't know what'll happen but i know that i've got to try. Like others have said, don't rush into anything with your friend or anyone else for that matter as rebounds only mess with everyone's heads. It's not easy but NC does help if you stick with it.

I'll try to keep this short & all advice/comments would be good as i've no idea what to do from here. I was with my ex for 4 years & ended the RLT as i doubted my feelings (2003). We stayed in close contact & after 6 months i realised i'd made a mistake. I explained how i felt & he was shocked but came back to me a couple of months later, however, he walked away after 3 months (June 2005). I was devastated at the time & made all the mistakes Super Dave says to avoid but eventually started NC. It wasn't easy but i moved on (or so i thought) & started seeing someone. In Nov 2005 my ex contacted, saying he was sorry, he'd made a mistake & he wanted to make things right. My head was all over the place & whilst part of me didn't want to (that's all i'd wanted to hear for the last 5 months), i initiated NC with him again. Whilst the RLT with the person i'd started seeing was great at times, it wasn't easy. Whilst i tried to blank thoughts of my ex, i couldn't & neither could he. I suppose you could say it was made worse when he said/did things to show that he didn't care, didn't know what he wanted, disrespected me & made me feel completely stupid. I ended the RLT last week & his reaction has been confusing but that's not the reason i'm posting. I know i'm not over my ex & whilst we've been back in regular/daily contact since mid-Jan, i don't know what to do. We're meant to be meeting up in the next couple of weeks (i asked) but i've no idea what to say/do as i've no idea how he feels. All i know (from emails) is that he was 'numb' when he found out i was seeing someone, he's found the last few months very odd/hard & that he's glad we're back in contact. I know this is a very mixed/confusing thread but this is the person i want to spend the rest of my life with & i'm scared that because i didn't act on what he said in Nov, there's no going back. If nothing else, whilst we haven't seen each other for 9 months, at least when we meet i'll know whether there's any hope or whether i've got to move on & not look back. I guess i'm asking if you think there's any hope in this or whether i'm just wishful thinking. Thanks

This is easy... ...his smile/laugh (can't beat it) ...his nose & ears (v small & cute) ...his eyes ...his hair ...his shoulders, chest, back, tummy (with scar), bum, legs Everything apart from his feet (i'm not a fan of anyones)

I've been with my bf (D) for close to 5 months. At the start, we both hadn't 'got over' issues with our ex's & it caused a few problems on both sides. However, whilst it took a bit of time, we both realised that we wanted to be together, to enjoy what we have & to see what happens. He's great & i love spending time with him but my insecurities keep jumping up & biting me on my a***! He says he knows what he wants, that he's put the past behind him but i'm doubting what he says. I was devastated when my last relationship ended & know i'm struggling with issues of insecurity & trust. He knows how i feel & says he'll show me that i've got no reason to doubt him but it's hard. He blows 'hot' & 'cold' & as i've never come accross this before, i'm sometimes at a loss to know what to think. I know i'm falling for him but at the same time, i'm trying to stop myself as the 'red flags' are waving. He's 29 & his longest RLT up to now was 3 months, he generally only says affectionate things when he's had a few to drink (via text), he has a problem with gambling/money & as much as i don't like to say it, he's pretty selfish when it comes to being intimate. He says he's clueless when it comes to being with someone & i'm starting to believe him. I guess i'm looking for any advice i can get as to what i should do. I want things to be good but at the moment i'm getting lost. Thanks

Thanks for the thoughts/comments - they've helped. annie24 I think we've done enough talking & i'm going to leave it for the moment. Our RLT was working well for both of us but now, i'm not so sure. He's obviously doubting it & that's led to me doing the same so you could say that it's looking likely that we'll be parting ways in the not too distant future. Isn't it funny how things change!!!!!! jl301 I haven't tried to force anything & wouldn't want to. He has been the 'keen' one & whilst i've responded positively, i've not tended to do any of the initiating as i've been aware of the situation with the ex & haven't wanted to get too involved. RayKay. Your thoughts are v interesting, seeing as you've been there. Honesty & negative are ok because most of what you've said is what i've been thinking. There is something missing, his ex sits on a pedestal regardless of what she did & he's never had a comfortable & trusting RLT. He's doubting what we've got & whilst early days, i'd rather him just leave if this is what i've got to look forward to. He blows hot (says he misses me, wants to see me more & that things are perfect) to cold (see comments in the first thread) & i don't know where i stand or what's going on. Since i last saw him on Sunday, we haven't spoken or seen each other. He's text to see when my holidays are as he wants to take some time off work to spend with me (strange for someone who's having doubts), & other than that, he's only text to see if i'll see him on Saturday. As we usually see each other twice in the week & at some point over the weekend, i know he's distancing himself but i'm ok with it. I'll sit back, get out & about like i usually do & see what happens because i don't know what else to do. However, at least i'm prepared for what's to come. Thanks

I've been seeing my b/f close to 4 months & whilst its been good, we've had a couple of blips (the 1st about issues with both of our ex's & the 2nd about him keeping things from me about his ex). Last week was rough, we were both confused but we managed to sort things at the weekend. However, he's said a few things that have surprised me, as i didn't know people had thoughts like he's had. Here's a few of the things said & all thoughts would be welcome: Doesn't know what he wants but at the same time, wants to be with me as he knows things are good & could be great; Misses me (at times) when we're not together but thinks he should miss me all the time; Thinks there's a time scale when you know how you feel about someone & is concerned that he hasn't felt the 'L' thing yet.He's very shy & as he says himself, insecure but why is he thinking about things so much? He got hurt very badly with his ex & whilst he doesn't want to go back, he wants to feel the same intense feelings that he did with her & he's worried that he's not/will never feel them. The thing is, it was an abusive RLT where he never knew where he stood but i guess the not knowing led to the intensity. He's great & we have alot of fun together but i'm thinking that it's not enough for him. He seems to have perfect/ideal images in his head about what should be happening & how he should be feeling but surely that'll only add pressure to the situation. He's 29, has had few RLTs, with the longest being 3/4 months & says he's no idea when it comes to being with someone. As for my feelings, i like/care for him, miss him sometimes when we're not together & can't wait to see him when i do. At the same time, i know how important it is in a RLT to keep your independent life going (seeing friends etc) & see what happens with no expectations. It's only been 4 months so surely that's early days!

Here's a bit of an update. I kept my head down for a few days before asking to see him on Wednesday night. We talked alot & i found out things i didn't want to know - they're back in contact (text/phone) & when i went away at Christmas, he went round to take some cds/dvds she'd asked for & to catch-up. If i'd known about the contact & he'd been open about it then i probably wouldn't have minded as much but knowing that he's been keeping it from me is awful because if there's nothing to hide - why hide it? He says he knows how he feels, that i should trust him & that he wants the opp to show me but i'm finding it very hard. The only way i can keep running with this (as i explained to him yesterday) is if all direct contact with her stops. Am i right in saying this? I haven't heard from him since & if i don't, i guess i've got the answers.