butterflycloud
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Holding on to avoid letting go of the fears
butterflycloud replied to butterflycloud's topic in Getting Back Together
thanks for the advice- I know that I should break the contact but Im a very emotionally orientated person. I need to learn about why I feel this way- why do I want to 'keep' him even though I dont want him. Why do I want to be with him on weekends but not for eternity? Perhaps Im trying to avoid the inevitable pain of letting him go .Part of me still loves him -
I know that I am going to sound awful but I need some assistance. Ive been divorced for a year now yet I still see the ex and yes we still sleep together. I dont want to get back together with him( he was abusive to me and my son) yet I just cant seem to break away completely./ We still see each other on weekends and he still asks if we will ever really get back together. I enjoy being with him as we get on quite well- well I supose things are good becasue there are no stress factors like when we were married- no money, child, parents in law, abuse issues. I know that we can never get back together yet part of me is staying with him for selfish reasons- I enjoy the good times, the compliments, and I suppose I like the fact too that he isnt with anyone else. The thought of him being with another kills me. I know that I should tell him that we cant see each other anymore and that he should move on and find a new love but Im so afraid of loosing him even though I dont really want him. My actions make no sense at all- I guess what Im asking you is the following- How do I let go of my fears? Im afraid of being without him or knowing that he is there for me and not someone else. I know that Im being sooooo selfish but Im so afraid!
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to me it sounds as if he is cheating- even talking to other women behind your back is cheating. I used to have a husband that used to take his wedding ring off when he saw clients- he told me that it increased the chances of a deal- what rubbish!!!! Dont justify his behaviour by saying that he is good to you- for all you know it may be his way of pulling the wool over your eyes. What is most painful is that you probably dont know the whole story behind most of this- Has he slept with anyone else? Even if you asked him he would probably deny it and you wouldnt know any better. He has betrayed your trust- meeting a stripper for lunch!!! His behaviour is unacceptable- right now he has his cake(you) and is eating it( strippers and chatting online) You deserve better- you can confront him and tell him to stop it all but how will you ever know that he really has? I have had married men chat to me online and I have confronted them- they all say that there is nothing to worry about because thier wives wpuld never find out and all of them wanted to meet. Get out of there or tell him that he has to go for marriage counselling to sort this out. But the big question is - Could you ever forgive him??
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I think that you nailed it on the head- sometimes people know that a relationship is wrong but they dont want to hurt the other by leaving- you would rather hurt yourself by staying and avoid 'letting your partner down'. Most relationships, where you find yourself not listening to your inner voice telling you to get out, are about not really validating who you are and not believing that you dont deserve to be treated badly. In a nutshell it is about taking your power back- easier said than done though! Its really hard to take your power back and put your own needs first when you have been so used to being a doormat to someone else. This is a lesson that I have had to learn and continue to learn everyday. I did take my power back but it is a constant struggle to keep it that way. With a manipulative ex and a nature of self doubt I have to remember to hold onto that power- everyday.
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thanks for the great post. I too went through a similar situation. Sometimes you just have to realise that staying i it for the kids will only lea to more hurt for all of you. Im also alone at the moment, there are times when I feel sorry for myself and wish that I had a 'replacement' but I have overcome those feelings- I am now content just being with my son. I now lead a much better life- FAR LESS STRESS!!!! It is wonderful to finally feel what its like to be happy again!
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Why is it we feel so many emotions when we drink?
butterflycloud replied to newts's topic in Relationship Advice
its a psychological phenomena. Basically you have a part of your brain that inhibits you from acting like a fool or getting over emotional. When you drink the alcohol puts that part of your brain 'to sleep'. So now that that part of your brain is 'asleep' it can no longer control your emotions or actions and that is when you find yourself getting over emotional about the ex, dancing on the table or landing up in bed with a complete stranger! -
Thanks Ill let you know how it goes!
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Thanks Kellbell- really appreciate your reply! I am very sad today, very nervous too. Ill see him n=in about2 hours time and i still dont know what to say. I just know that he is going to be so hurt- and I hate hurting people. But I guess in this situation i have to put myself and my son first. To be honest Im really afraid to tell him, perhapds I should just ask the angels to be there with me and him
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perhaps he is saving up to get you a ring- perhaps that is what is taking so long. Hang in there- Im sure its coming Congratulations in any event
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The ex and i have been divorced for a year now and over the last two months we got back together( well sort of). Things havnt improved and I know in my heart that we will never work,I need to tell him that I dont want to try anymore. How do i let him down easy? I need to keep things civil for our son's sake. He is coming over to 'chat' tonight- any advice would be greatly appreciated! He is going to be really hurt, so I need say it as gently as possible!
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is it ok to take my ex back?
butterflycloud replied to charlotte_skye's topic in Getting Back Together
Its only my pleasure!! -
is it ok to take my ex back?
butterflycloud replied to charlotte_skye's topic in Getting Back Together
Our egos, at times, are our worst enemies. So right now your ego is telling you that you should think twice about taking him back because he dumped you and this bruised your ego. The ego has a knack of trying to protect your pride at all costs and never takes your true feelings into consideration. So tell your ego to shut- up and listen to your heart- judging from your post he sounds wonderful and everyone is entilted to 'cold feet' in a relationship- especially if it was his first relationship. You guys go for it! Wish you happiness! Go into this 'newly founded' relationship with a clean slate- no hang-ups! -
We3ll to be honest, and I know Im going to sound ridiculous now, but I feel guilty for telling him that I dont want to get back together- I know that I have to put myself and my son first but I still feel bad because I know that I will hurt him. And I know that not getting to be with a person that you want is really hard. That is why I need something nice to say so that he does not feel rejected. I know that he has done terrible things to me but it is not in my nature to hurt people , no matter what they have done to me. I also want to keep the relationship civil for my son's sake.
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Thanks sweetie, chat to you later then
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I tried to think of something last night but Im not sure. Tell me what ideas you had! Thanks Sonjam!!
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Thanks, perhaps we should role play it. Tonight Ill think about what to say and then Ill tell you tomorrow- just remember that you will have to play the role of the insensitive and aggressive ex
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Hey, slow down there, each of us is entitled to our own opinions- no need to get ugly about it. That's what makes this forum so reliable- you get to choose whos advice to take.
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It is eerie But Im so glad that you take the time to chat to me- I really appreciate your advice. So what do you think that I should say to the edx- I need to tell him that we cant be together but I dont want to do it in an ugly way becasue he is very vindictive and Im afraid the he will start with his 'custody' threats again
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I hear what you say but I must admit that it was a bit harsh. You need to be fully aware of each individuals circumstances before telling them to let go or not. Some people have to go through the 'hanging on stages' for a particular reason- perhaps they need to learn that lesson for themselves in order to open other doors in their life
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Well I think that I obviously havnt learnt what Ive needed to because I havnt been able to let go yet. Or perhaps I have learnt a lot but not yet how to let go. If you have your numerology done in depth you will find out what soul issues you have choosen this lifetime. My issues that I have choosen are fear and power. All my relationships have surrounded those two issues. With my ex I was afraid to take my power back ie- tell him to go to hell or that I didnt like what he was doing, and fear- of letting go, being alone, being rejected, fear of the unknown. So in my current situation I am still trying to grasp my fear issue- fear of letting go.
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Sometimes very hard things have to happen, which we dont realise at the time, in order for new and more wonderful doors to be opened. Of course though it is soo hard to realsie this at the time. You had a soul lesson to learn with the abusive ex, and perhaps you have learnt it because you now have been given the gift of a beautiful relationship. Strange how, that if you dont fully learn a lesson from your experience/ relationship, then you keep on attracting the same type of lesson- in the form of an abusive relationship. Im studying metaphysics and Ive learnt that everyone has soul contract with each other. ie - two souls make a 'contract' with one another to teach each other certain lesson to develop their souls further- once the lessons have been taught then the contract ends and the two peole move on to other contracts. It sounds as if you and Steven have a life long contract- to teach each other love and unconditional acceptance. I wish you two the best of luck!
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Thanks for the great advice Sonjam. I know that ifthey dont like my son then they are OUT! How is your marriage going, have you managed to nit bring old feelings into your new relationship?
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I hear what you are saying. His words, I assume, are being manipulative because dont actions speak louder than words? He has said that he would change and his messages to me seemed to indicate that but when we are together he says the same old abusive things to me and my son, he hasnt sorted out his money issues and he hasnt grown up either- still drinking like a fool with his buddies! As I said to Sonjam I know that we are no good for each other but it's alsmost as if I would rather 'be with him' that face the fear of breaking away- he seems to have me hypnotised with the nice things that he says, but unfortunately the actions are not there. Read some of my posts- they give more insight into my relationship. I guess that I have a fear of not really knowing if his words are sincere or not, but I suppose that if the actions arent there then the words dont count. You would think that if he loved me as much as he said he does he would never say, for example, that my body is now 'imperfecr' since I had our child. Thanks for the help- really appreciate it!
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You are right that I have to trust myself- I know that we shouldnt be together- as you said it is just the fear attached to letting go. I love your comment about trading my body for a beautiful child! Ill use it next time he throws that in my face!! Many people tell me that he is manipulating me through nice words, I just cant believe that he could be that intelligent- but it is the only explanation as to why he is sucking up to me now. Sometimes it is hard to trust myself- I seem to doubt all my decisions and his manipulation doesnt make things easier. Suppose subconsciously Im also afraid of getting involved with soemone else- there are so many questions that I have- Will they like my son, how will they handle tantrums, the bunny park, will they understand that I cant go out all the time. You have a child- how do you cope with these sort of questions?
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Sorry to hear about what you are going through. I hate to say it, and hate to hear it even more, but the painful feelings take time to pass. Perhaps you should spend a few hours reading through the 'healing after a break-up forum'- you'll be amazed how helpful that can be. Have you tried to get her back at all?