DJ_QUALLS

Wannabe , dont feel bad. I went throgh the same things. Been married several times and each one was worse than the other. I looked for the wrong things, got married to fast, and like you i often use to look back and say " why the hell did i do that, i was embarrased at myself.I felt like that and i know how you feel. Here is how you have to look at it. You are in a position where you can break free and take time for yourself and get peace of mind. I look back and instead of complaining and beating myself up over at past mistakes, i learn form them and use them to make me stronger as i am today. I no longer feel bad or guilty or ashamed at mistakes i made in the past. Because we are HUMAN and we are going to make mistakes, the point of making mistakes is not to dwell on them but to learn from them to not do again. I have been stress and drama free because i took time out to figure why things happened and how can i prevent from happening again. If you jump from relationship to relationship wihtout figuruing those things out ,what you are going through wil happen over and over. Its not the end of the world you been married numerous times, trust me that is not a big deal so dont feel bad. The good news is that you know you have a problem and that something is wrong. Recognizing that puts you in the right path, all you need to do is just move forward.

True True. I was in a bad relationship, i moved out and stayed with a relative in the bassment. I didnt care it was a bassment, just as long as it was away from the drama i was going through. I'd rather live in a bassment and have my sanity then be with someone i am constantly in drama and aggrivation and stress with. There are places to go, friends, relatives .Everyone has someplace to go. Even if you move out of state to a friend or relative. Leaving is the right thing to do. Yes you are weak but you have to find everything in you to move out and move on. This isnt love . Obviously he doesnt love you .Trust me i been there , its hard at first because of all the emotions you are going through, but once you find a safe place to go, things will work out and you will wonder why didnt you do this sooner. Your strenght, sanity, peace of mind, freedom you will gain those things back. You birthday is coming up as you say, but emotionall and physical abuse dosent stop for birthdays or holidays.Taking care of this is more important.

Same situation. my ex had lots of emotional skeletons in her closet . She had DEEP issues with family neglection, abusive ex's and depression as well. That right there my friend is the answer to your problems. As why she is the way she is and why she is cold to you. She has no emotions because she is incapable . She is so burned out on her emotional issues from the past she is emotionally dead as a doorknob. Thats whe she can lead you on and brake up with you without cracking any sign of emotion. Instead of being in a realtionship she should seek counseling, get help, fix or find the solution to her problem, then seek a realtionship. You ( like i was ) were the victim of what happenes when people have emotional issues in there past that they havent dealt with. ( family , ex's and maybe childhood issues) . People like her destroy innocent people in there path with out blinking an eye because they need help and don't know how to love. My advice is to move on and know your not the one to blame and find someone that can give in return . But , look out for waring signs . No one is perfect but if someone has issues they havent dealt with , it's not good beecause you are thoe one end up being affected by it. And dont feel offended she moved on so quick, she propably is doing you a favor.Remember, "what goes around comes around ".

Well first it's the dazed, then the hurt, then reality , then the healing stage. Also , you do have people to turn to so you're not alone. That's what forums are for , for people to turn to in need of help. See, bottling everything up inside is the worse people can do. Even if you talk to total strangers , you have to get things off your chest chest or you will loose it and that is the worst feeling of all. You may feel like you have no one to turn to, but you have yourself , and thats the important thing.

Was in a similiar situation myself. I left for my sanity. DO NOT stay for the kids, it hurts the cause more then help it. I had to make a choice, be miserable and depresed and somewhere i didnt want to be , or be happy doing something i want to do and have peace of mind withouth the drama and negativity. Yes i thought about my child and my marriage and was i doing the right thing, but i also had to think about me, what makes me happy. It's not being selfish , its wanting better for yourself.There is NOTHING wrong for wanting happines for yourself. It's been 2 years since i moved out and away from my marriage that was full of drama, streess and negativity 24/7 . And i am happy and don't regret it one bit. I can finally think straight and have time to do what and when i want whenever i want. I'm more happier now than before. Nothing wrong with wanting happines and peace of mind for yourself!!

Yes, love should'nt have to hurt. Your feeling of missing him or what he use to be is normal. Nothing wrong with that. It's as if you had strong feelings before and now they have to be cut off automatically because of his behavior. Well strong feelings dont get cut automatically they need time to go away, so in that time your mind thinks of what he use to be because thats what you remembered best about him. He was'nt always the way he is . This doesnt mean you want him back, its just a natural reaction . You miss the OLD him, not what he has become, but it sounds as if the old him is gone and is not coming back anytime soon. It's a shame this has happened, but you got out and thats the firts step toward the journey....Take your time , breathe, shake this off before you get involved again just to guard yourself in the future..

Yes, butterfly that is the point. Some people are affraid to leave relationships but only stay and do damage to themselves by being somewhere you dont want to be.I lived almost my entire life doing things for other people and beiing affraid to hurt feelings knowing that my heart and mind wasnt in it and that was the problem i had and had to overcome, but since then i have dealt with and overcame that issue and now am living life for me now and i am very happy doing that. The RIGHT relationship will come , you have to be patient and be prerared for it.

Staying together for the kids or because you dont want to hurt your partners feelings is a kind gesture but in reality it will come back and bite you. I was with my ex wife for 5 years, married 2 of those years. We had a good relationship until about 2 years into it i began to ponder the way i REALLY felt about here. I came to this conclusion. I love her but am i in love with her ? The answer was no. Soemtimes things can blind you about relationships ,you may think you in love or you may think you know a person , but your not and you dont.But you're blind because you see what you want to see and feel what you want to feel. Well, reality hit and i woke up. See, i was never afraid to be alone .My ex was, and thats what led to the breakdown of the marriage. She loved me but was not in love. She just wanted a warm body close to her no matter who it was. How do i know? Well at the beginning of our realtionship and through time, she began to tell me stories how she had many " partners " and would get physically, mentally and emotionally abused by them . Now, i'm thinking to myself, if everytime you meet a guy and he physically, mentally and emotionally abused by you, one right after the other, wouldnt you want a break ? Time off to just regroup and figure out why this is happening ? No not her. See she didn't want to be alone. She suffered abuse at the hands of her mother, stepfather ,grandmother and here being in and out of foster homes being abused while growing up had a lot to do with it. It took away who she was inside.Yes she had a ROUGH childhood . I stuck in the marriage not wanting to hurt her by her knowing i wasnt in love with here and my feelings were fading . Well, we had a baby and i'm thinkng well since the baby is here , my feelings will change , maybe fatherhood will make me bond more with the mother of my child...WRONG.. Dont stay because of the kids you are only hurting yourself. Life is not meant to be lived in turmoil and confusion and drama 24/7. Yes it is hard leaving,but look, i have been alone for the past 2 years and i LOVE it. I left a stressfull, and negative situation and i feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted. In those 2 years by myself i have been focusiing on me for a change and bettering myself and trying to reach goals i set for myself and figuring out who i am and what happened so i wont kame those same mistakes again. To be withouth the distractions and negativity and constant drama i had in my marriage is a good thing. Yes it is hard leaving you child or children , but is it good for them to see mommy and daddy fighting ? NO.I do not regret leaving what so ever. What led to the marriage ending ? Well it's like this , my ex was EXTREMELY needy emotionally because she lacked love growing up as as a child , ( and i did love her and told her everyday which obviously wasnt good enough) , so because she "felt" i wasnt giving her what she needed she cheated . And you know what, i wasnt surprised because she has a problem and it was a matter of time before she found another "warm body" or victim. You see, instead of trying to make our marriage work or find out why we had a breakdown or find out why i felt the way i did, she choose to go in in search of someone else. (At least i tried to make things work ) . Matter of fact during my last week at our appartment before i was to move into my new location and before the divorce was even final, she was going out on dates with the guy and coming in at 2 and 3 in the morning form being with him. Me , i had no one see, because i wasnt afraid to be alone . Every relationship i had once it ended i was always by myself , never one person to the next person.I have self esteem and love who i am and my ex was lacking that. Those things i couldnt give here. Nothing was ever good enough because she was missing those 2 things. Hope this isnt to long, been holding it in for a while !! DJ_QUALLS