temperamental_taurus

Yeah, I know - I just feel so darn weak now... how easy it was to fall right back into it!!! I left him for all these reasons, you'd think at some point he'd just STOP being such an idiot and start behaving???

I broke NC with my ex yesterday - well I HAD to, because there are money issues that still bind us for the time being... It went fine - we discussed what we had to and hung up but hearing his voice... *sigh*... well I called him again and started conversing with him like we always used to and it ended up being a long conversation NOT about what I had originally called for and he said a few things that made my heart smile but then reverted right back into the same old guy... I feel kinda dumb. The familiarity of it all was almost comforting to me, yet by the time we got off the phone I was still left with that empty feeling that I'm used to getting with him. Besides feeling dumb, I'm also confused. It seems I still have a commitment towards my ex. Why is this??? A former boyfriend had called asking - no pleading and begging were his words - to come over - even if it was just to cook me dinner because I wasn't feeling well (I had left work sick)... and I got anxious and immediately thought, well I can't do that!!! What if "D" found out??? Where is THAT coming from??? I have no ties with my ex yet it seems that I still have a commitment to him. So, I told the guy no... but yet when I brought up the fact that I wasn't feeling well to my ex, I think his reply was "Oh really..." or something of that nature... leaving me feeling like an idiot for turning down a guy who would have gone out of his way to make me feel a little bit better. So, then "D" and I sent a few IM's back and forth throughout the night and then I sent him a "hug" (if you use Yahoo IM you know what I'm talking about) because he was going to bed... and his response was "Awww." - no return hug, nothing, and then I called to say goodnight and he didn't answer his phone. I'm an IDIOT... yup yup... and these are the games we have played for months... him being the strong one, never giving in, so I have to cave. So, yes, I am an idiot. I feel dumb and I guess that's ok. But for anyone questioning themselves, wanting to break that NC - it really isn't a good idea.

OK - maybe I'm old fashioned, but in my opinion 15 year olds shouldn't be having sex So, don't have sex and you won't hurt. Sorry, but there is no other advice I can give to a child engaging in adult activities. Geez at 15 I was still playing with Barbies...mumble...mumble...mumble...

Go to the Emergancy Room immediately - I had the exact same thing happen to me when I was 12 weeks along - I started to hemmorage then my water broke (probably that clear liquid stuff you were describing)... I went to the ER and my baby was still alive - I was put on antibiotics (very important to the baby if your water has broken!!!!)... and had to be on bed rest - I eventually had a full term very healthy baby boy - BUT IT WAS BECAUSE I DID SOMETHING RIGHT AWAY!!!! Get to the hospital!!!!!

Hi there At your age, friendships are tough. If I understand right, you are best friends with one girl and the other girl is friends with your best friend and is always around? But you don't like her because she's not a nice person? Let me know if I got that right... My suggestion would be talk to your best friend. Be honest that you don't like what the other girl does, says or whatever. And then plan time with your best-friend alone, without the other girl so that you don't have to lose her as a friend and if she is a true friend she will understand! Good Luck!

Well, that's a hard one... would I ever go back? I can't say that the answer would be 100% no - I loved him very much - all I know is that I'd never go back under the same circumstances... and it'd be a long time and a lot of work and I doubt that either of us are up for that... but what is meant to be, will be. He'd have to recover from his addiction, I'd have to learn how to forgive him, and then we'd have to learn how to interact together different from the patterns we formed while we were together... that seems like too much to ask of me considering all the effort I put into us while we were together - but then again, we just split up so I'm still harboring a bit of negativity... But stranger things have happened, time heals all wounds... and many couples find each other again after spending time separated from each other. You just can't live your life thinking that that will happen though... especially in my case where it isn't simply just learning how to get along, but mix in his lifetime of substance abuse, emotional abuse and family history... sigh... we'd need a live-in therapist and a lifetime supply of Prozac. So, I guess my thought is this... I am a very forgiving person, probably too forgiving and have always remained friends with all my ex's. And yes I have gotten over alot of stuff and so have they. Each one of them I cared about in different ways, and that's why I like to remain friends. Just because you can't be in a relationship anymore doesn't mean you don't still care. Eventually that "love feeling" fades away... and in it's place developes a close friendship. This doesn't happen immediately, but in most cases it does happen... at least with me anyways. But, I guess I'm kind of weird, I get over these things very easily, move on quickly and don't usually go backwards... whether that's healthy or not, I dunno

This was a huge issue between me and my ex... Sex was on his watch ONLY... I was shot down each and every time I approached him for it. And yes, it mad me angry, it hurt me and was extermely frustrating. Trust me, I'd stand before him naked, or I'd slowly lead him into the bedroom, or I'd just hop onto him, or even tried to initiate by slowly kssing/fondling him. And every time, I was told no. Yet, when I was sick with the flu, had been asleep for hours, had just survived a roll-over accident earlier in the same day - THAT'S when he wanted it... and he'd get it, I never turned him down. It was purely a control issue - and not what making love is all about. Think how upset I got when 98% of the time when I was "in the mood" and I was told no. I think it needs to be as close to 50/50 as it can get in a relationship to ensure that both parties don't begin to feel taken advantage of. LOL - I guess I never realized it but, geez, he gave me so many reasons that made leaving him EASY!!!!

You know that saying... "Where there's smoke, there's fire?" Your intuition is telling you that something's up... little alarm bells are going off - listen to them. A woman's intuition is a powerful thing - and so is history, which always repeats itself. If he lied/cheated on you by going to Mexico with his ex, he will lie/cheat again. Talk with him, explain how you are feeling at this moment; whether it's a bit insecure, scared, confused... tell him you need to regain the trust that was lost during that incident. If he truly cares about you then he will be more than happy to rebuild that lost faith and never give you reason to doubt him again. If you continue to not trust him, then there's probably a reason - like I said, listen to your intuition. Good Luck!!!

Well, you've taken the right steps by #1 - admitting you have a drinking problem and #2 acknowledging that you caused upsetment within your relationship due to your drinking. I know how your g/f must be feeling right now. I just left my alcoholic b/f. It's a horrible thing to be on the receiving end of habitual drinker - trust me. Honestly, I don't blame her for leaving. She's probably heard it all before and doesn't have the strength or the ability to trust you. My ex got progressively worse as time went by. At first he was a quiet drunk, emotionally unavailable, but for the most part harmless. He then became emotionally and verbally abusive, eventually destroyed some of my property, shoved me off a bed and started going after my animals. I remember one night he was so cruel to me that I almost hit HIM... I was hysterical, sobbing, screaming because of his treatment of me. So my advice is let her go. Why? Because we love ourselves too much to stay, it hurts too much to stay. Why on earth would we WANT to stay??? What do you do for us besides emotionally drain us??? Really? You're so upset right now because you KNOW it's your loss... and you want her back, but WHY??? You only hurt her, over and over again. Let her go, let her find peace, let her be loved by someone healthy. She deserves it after what she's been through. Continue with AA and fix yourself because you'll never be in a healthy relationship if you enter into it broken. Good luck...

I agree with heloladies - was it that difficult for him to be there for you? To support you? To listen to you? Not hard at all, especially if he cared about you. Do not blame yourself, you deserve so much more. *hugs*

you cheated huh? well, that's not good... (i hope you used protection at least) obviously there's not alot to this "relationship" - no trust, no commitment - my advice - end it...

Unfortunately people don't realize what they had until they've stomped it to death. Being bi-polar is something you have had to live with for a long time... and even though you may have put in 100% in the last 60 days - you've had a lifetime of reacting as a bi-polar - and will probably continue to do so until you've had YEARS of 100% totally commited counseling... She may be thinking that this is what you should have done before you ruined the relationship. At any rate, no matter what happens between you and her - keep going to counseling and address you're problems... fix yourself - because you will never be able to have a healthy relationship if you enter into it broken. Good Luck!!!

Wow, all I have to say is that I'm impressed. That's the kind of apology letter that I'm in need of!!! It seems very heart-felt, very specific - good job! As for her coming back to you, I think that will definitely take time... go slow, prove to her time and time again that you ARE different now, that you're getting help and that you'll stick with it. Her trust is badly broken by your abuse, she's going to be a bit skittish for awhile... allow her all the time she needs, listen to her, comfort her and don't pressure her. Good luck! I loved the letter!

Thanks, Hope, for your words of encouragement. So, where is your ex-fiance now? Is he still drinking? Did he ever take responsibility for hurting you? Has he ever apologized? I guess that's what I want from him. An apology. Although the likelyhood of ever getting that is small. Looking back over the past year and everything that has transpired, I can honestly say he has NEVER once sincerely apologized... never on his own come out and said, hey I'm really sorry for my behavior - I'm sorry I hurt you, or I realize this whole thing must be tough for you to handle. There has only been blame... that I'M the reason he drinks... just this short amount of time apart has made me realize that I wasn't the bad person. I tried to support him, I tried to educate him, I tried to love him. He even made me feel guilty for eventually moving out, claiming if I truly loved him, I would have never left him. I'm just wondering if he will ever realize the value of what he's lost, if he'll ever understand what he's done to the people who have loved him in his life? Do any of them feel any remorse??? Are they even capable of that? *sigh*

Good morning =) I am also in the same situation... I've enforced NC for oh... 5 days now. To recap, we were together for a year, he was an alcoholic, emotionally abusive, I moved out, tried to keep the relationship going at that point only to be frustrated on a daily basis by his immaturity and lack of effort. So, I ended it and told him not to contact me again. Does the death of this relationship hurt? Yes and no. I loved him, still do probably, I'm not sure because my feelings are mixed at this point. I truly believe I did everything I could to keep us together... I forgave, pleaded, compromised, changed and repeated that cycle over and over again until there was nothing left that I could say or do. Sad part is, I never got a honest effort out of him. Come to think of it, I don't think I got ANY effort out of him... why is that? I'm starting to think that maybe it was because he KNEW he was sick, he KNEW he had a serious problem that was out of his control and perhaps it was just all too much. He probably knew I'd never stay with him like that, but didn't want to face his addiction, so it was easier to watch us waste away into nothing... I am still having a few passing moments where I feel the need to check in on him... make sure he's doing ok, because I have worried about him for so long, but I guess what's the point? If he doesn't care enough about himself, why should I? His own family has given up on trying to help him. I just wish I could snap my fingers and make everything different, so that we could be together - but then the rational part of me says hey!!! what are you thinking? the man is so broken that no amount of crazy glue is going to fix him... and then I resign myself to the fact that a relationship between the two of us would eventually ruin my life. And I can't have that. So, right now, I guess, I'm feeling pretty good... I'm not in any excrutiating emotional pain... that's not to say I'm not hurting... but I'm worried that may be only temporary. What if I wake up tomorrow, missing him so much that I can't stand it? I'm trying to be as tough as I can be with myself... Usually I'm pretty good at cutting my losses and moving on, but something about this is not allowing me to do that so easily. Ack! I STILL find myself saying, well if he'd just quit drinking, go to AA and take his anti-depressants, he'd get better and then WE'D get better... but I guess that'll happen probably around the time that pigs learn to fly... sigh... oh well, that's my little vent for the morning... it's just comforting to know that you guys are out there, dealing with the same thing as I am, having just as many questions and doubts as I'm having. It grounds me a bit, knowing that this is the way healing begins - and that everything I'm feeling is normal. Hugs to everyone...

Hi there... I understand your feeling of loneliness... I went to an all-girl boarding school for two years... I was 15/16 at the time... and I hated it. I had never felt so alone. I couldn't concentrate and almost flunked out. To this day I still have a few recurring nightmares about that place. I also had a hard time intergrating myself into new groups of people. The only support I can give you is that this loneliness won't last forever... and I guess that's not alot of advice for you... I just can sympathize with what you are going through. *hugs*

Jeez, if 29's old I must be ANCIENT...

There are some people that are actually ADDICTED to sex... they seek it out and are never satisfied. They could never remain faithful because they are so intrigued by it. They watch a lot of porn, go to strip clubs, cheat and yet still love their partner. I'm not saying that HE is addicted to sex, but he definitely displays a symptom by searching online for it. Typically people who cheat, will and do cheat again. It's not something you have done, it's something inside of them that is missing. You deserve someone who will treat you right... you probably should have left him the first time you found out, because by staying it allowed him to think that if he did it again - you'd still be there - and you are. I realize you feel weak, but sometimes getting away from a person that makes you feel bad is all that it will take to make you stronger. Good Luck!

The harsh reality is that although you may FEEL like her presense in your life will make you feel better - it won't. You'll be continuously hurt by each rejection - every time you interact with her. The absolute BEST thing you can do at this point is distance yourself - completely. She's with another man now, a man who she has only known for a short period of time - yet puts him before you and the family the two of you created. What you must realize is that she is no longer the woman who you feel in love with, she has moved on... what you are having issue with is dealing with the comfort zone you were used to with her in it. She's "familiar" to you... but you need to realize that no amount of begging, pleading or suggesting will change her mind right now... in fact, it may push her farther away. She may be back, once this new relationship fails, but hopefully you are stronger then and weigh the pros and cons of accepting her back into your life. I know it's easier to make excuses TO be able to see her - you'll need to pull together all the strength you've got to cut off contact. I realize the two of you have a child together, but perhaps you can arrange to have someone else pick up/drop off your son - so that you don't have to have any interaction with her. And don't worry about the "stuff" that you guys had purchased together. Stuff is stuff and it can always be re-purchased... let her figure out her own financial stuff, she should have thought about all that before she left you. I know it feels like your heart has been ripped out, I know it's exhausting and I know the flat-line feelings your having... but unfortunately this is the path that, although you wouldn't have chosen it, you must follow it. Remember, when one door closes - another opens... so do what's best for you - and I mean what's REALLY best for you, and do it with dignity - you can get through this!

Eeek!!! - trust me, neither of you can live like that. When two people are in a relationship with each other having trust is imperitive. It is healthy for both of you to interact with the opposite sex... it is healthy for both of you to keep your friends whether they be male or female. It is up to both of you as individuals to not allow anything to be taken beyond mere friendship with a person of the opposite sex. If you continue this way you will suffocate the other person, make them feel isolated and eventually they will be desperate to get out of such a confining relationship.

Well, please don't cut yourself - that's not going to help anything right now... and yes, I know that you feel that she was THE ONE - I felt the same way about my husband - that's why I married him... I was fully expecting to remain with him for the rest of my life... and then there have been 3 boyfriends since him... and 1 out of the 3 I thought, okay HE'S who I was supposed to meet... We all have the capacity to love many people in our lives... unfortuantely they don't always share the same feelings towards us... but many, many people DO find relationships that will outlast the test of time... Medications are a good thing too, and if you don't find a bit of relief from Lexapro, talk to your doctor and perhaps there's another med that will help you more... as for not having the money for therapy, some insurance companies provide it and if not, come here... we're not professionals but we still are dealing with these issues everyday - so most of us are probably experts anyways!!!

Hi, I'm sorry for what you're going through... I heard somewhere, that it takes AT LEAST the number of years you were with a person - in months - to start to feel better... so in your case it'd be about 8 months before things start feeling better. I haven't put this theory to the test recently, but I know that after I got divorced, it took me 6 months to finally adjust to the situation and we had been together for about 5 years - so I guess that would be about right. Keep going to therapy, it helps and going to the gym releases all those endorphines - those help make you feel better. I wouldn't suggest dating right now, alone time is good for healing and finding yourself. I know how you feel, I'm all alone too after recently moving out and breaking up with my boyfriend. But, I'm beginning to feel good about it - all it takes is finding a new routine. At this point, I probably wouldn't go out with friends even if I had them, I'm hibernating so-to-speak... But trust me, it does get better. I loved my (now ex) husband... we were best friends for years, we have a son together as well... It's been 3 years since our divorce... I still see him because we do have a child together - and it's funny, I hardly remember being married to him, loving him and hurting as badly as I did when we split up. Time heals all things... just take it one day at a time... it does get better - I promise you that. I look at all my past failed relationships as "Fillers"... what I mean by this is: obviously the relationship ended for a reason, the purpose of it was to learn from it, grow from it and fill up the time between then and now, to lead you to a different place that will eventually lead up to where you are supposed to be. And in order to get there you have to go through certain circumstances to make you the person are so that when you finally find THAT PERSON, the one you were meant to be with, you will be ready. Confusing, I guess... but on the other hand, it makes perfect sense too. Don't listen to poeple who say quit whining... bottling it all up inside will just drag out the agony you are feeling right now. Just take each day, 24 hours at a time... and you'll soon wake up one day and realize, hey, I'm not hurting as badly today as I was a week ago! Come here often, vent all you need to - it helps... and also offer people you own advice - it helps make you feel better too (and not so alone because you realize others are struggling with the same things as well) There are very compassionate people found within this website... they have been a huge help to me and I'm sure that you'll find that it helps you too... *hugs* to you - I know you prolly need them right now!!

Ahh, so she was testing you... to see if you would finally commit... sometimes that kind of "shock therapy" works... unfortunately all the game playing is what will eventually cause the end of many once promising relationships. Well, I'm a hopeless romantic and I would suggest to continue to pursue her, letting her know (frequently) that you have every intention on marrying her, that you couldn't see yourself with anyone else and that you'd like the chance to show her how good the two of you can be... be open with your feelings - only this will make her feel secure, do NOT continue with the no contact thing, prove to her that you love her and you're not going anywhere. Suggest that the two of you need to rebuild a sturdier foundation because of what the relationship has been through lately, and that you can definitely see marrying her once the relationship has found more solid ground. Women think - if a man loves me, he'd move mountains to be with me... so my suggestion to you is... you better get going!!!! The path to healing a woman's heart is long, but it can be done... ONLY IF you are sure she is who you want, if not, don't pursue her to only then figure out you're not interested in marriage - this will only damage her more - Good Luck!!!

Simon - I can only help you through a woman's perspective... but here are my thoughts... she is probably feeling very rejected by you... to sit and wait for your reaction for two days after she extended herself by leaving a love song for you, probably felt like an eternity to her. That you didn't react right away probably felt like a kick in the face. Women are emotional creatures... songs, signs, tests, and serious efforts created by genuine responses mean EVERYTHING to us. That you have left her two times now means that she has no faith in you or the stability of the relationship. We want to know our men will be there for us, no matter what. Asking her to marry you, in the middle of no contact feels to her like a desperate act, one that means nothing when in the middle of a break-up. We want to be romanced. We want the most awesome proposal that our man can dream up that envolves thought, planning and surprise. Why? Because if you love us, you'd do it the right way - when it MEANS something. Not, hey ok let's get married because you're not speaking to me right now... no wonder your offer was met with hostility. She isn't contacting you because right now she is injured, feeling rejected, hurt and disappointed. You not having any contact with her is not going to make things better - IF you seriously want her back... she's not going to come crawling back to you, after all the hurt she feels you've done to her. You need to prove it to her - but not by asking her to marry you right now... just be there for her, comfort her, allow her to express feelings and emotions without you getting defensive. And whatever you do - don't leave her again. If you DON'T want her back then continue with the no contact.

Hi Misery, I'm sorry she's treating you this way... relationships sure are tough, huh??? Part of growing up and becoming an adult is obtaining a higher degree of SELF-respect for yourself... bottom line... you know she isn't treating you right, she's making you feel badly about yourself... so, my question to you is... why are YOU with HER? If she liked you, she'd show you... break up with her, which will produce 2 effects... Number 1) you'll feel better that you stood up for yourself and would not allow someone to treat you this way and Number 2) it'll show her that she can't treat other people like this - and have them stay with her. And once you do leave her, if she comes back to you, make sure that things have and will REMAIN different between the two of you... that you are getting what you deserve out of the relationship too... if you're not, then move on... you sound like a caring, loving guy - and trust me - there are many caring loving girls out there that will treat you right...