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temperamental_taurus

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  1. temperamental_taurus
    Thanks LG... I feel very liberated LOL... So, tonight was my second Al-Anon meeting. I really liked this one. It was birthday night and people that had hit year marks were recognized. I got to hear their stories. Boy do they sound like me. They also asked if anyone was new, so I had to say that I was... and afterwards, so many people came up to welcome me, hug me, include me. An amazing feeling. I met one girl, around my age, who also had left her alcoholic - we ended up talking for awhile. If all meetings are like this, then I'm going to continue to go - it's like a huge family and I need that support right now. I feel like I can DO THIS... can walk away from him. One thing that was stressed to me was that IT'S NOT MY FAULT that he went straight from me to living with other women, or that he's with someone new. It's because he HAD to... It's that he can't fill that void that he's trying to fill with alcohol, I didn't fill it, the next woman won't be able to fill it either... he's always trying but he never will... because I keep asking myself how could he have done this to me? But it's NOT me and somehow that makes me feel much better. So I am to read the Alcoholic Anonomous book and pray every morning. I could use a little more God in my life right now... and that's as far as my sponsor has taken me thus far... Overall, I had a good day today - things are looking up... More later... A.
  2. temperamental_taurus
    Hope, I thought briefly about selling it or pawning it, but it was a symbol of an entire relationship that meant nothing, and so... to me it holds no value. I'd rather buy my own books with my own money... prolly hard to understand that - but it goes along with the whole "taking out the trash" of my life... and that is exactly what he represents to me. It's gonna make some trash man's wife very happy... LOL I'm going to be going to school to earn the degree for the job I currently hold... Health Information. So, I took Luna back to where I got her from. I cried and cried... the gal that adopted her out to me said that if I ever see D again that I'm to tell him that she thinks he's a piece of .... well, you know. I'd have to agree with her. So, I'm off to take another nap and then off to Phoenix to meet a friend and then to another AlAnon meeting later this evening... More later... A.
  3. temperamental_taurus
    LG - there IS something to disposing of all the remaining crap that reminds you of the ex, huh!!! I got significant satisfaction throwing a diamond necklace he bought me for Christmas in the dumpster (oops!)... Sucka!!! LOL
  4. temperamental_taurus
    LG.... Right now I have 3 cats... 2 Manx one girl, one boy and a Persian male. When I was in the 2 bedroom, 2 bath, ground level with access to outside it was fine... but now I'm in a 2nd story 1 bedroom, 1 bath with no patio and it's just too much. They are all going stir crazy and can't go outside. It's like a little whirlwind in here all the time... so, I'm doing what's best for them... besides the fact that for the past 2 weeks I haven't really been up to taking care of what I need to. I need the peace, and I have to take care of ME... I will miss them but I can't think in all this chaos... Hopefully, they will be adopted out to decent homes... And I want to start school in the fall and when I'm on the computer so are they... they make pretty good computer privacy screens. My plan for the future is starting school in the fall, staying out of any relationships until I finish school - just date here and there - tired of these idiots. After 2 years of schooling I'll be able to increase my salary by at least 20,000 a year and that seems more worth the effort than boys.
  5. temperamental_taurus
    I'm here with you, girl... I dreamed of him last night, the first time I have since the break-up... It was a very negative dream, him being mean and cruel - funny how some dreams are so true to life I also thought he was the one - the very FIRST night I meet him. He smiled at me over a pool table... and something hit me in the gut... a powerful feeling that told me that he's the man who I was supposed to be with forever. Kind of like an age old feeling of familiarity... and that I finally found who I had been searching for. Hard to explain but that's why I've hung in there. My intuition is pretty much always dead on and how can you fight against something so strong? I still remember that feeling.... I've dated hundreds of men and I've never felt that. I didn't even think he was attractive when I met him so it couldn't have been because I thought he was cute. But, I've made up my mind that no matter what that feeling was that I'm going to fight against fate and move on. I give up. Amazing how once you dig WAY down into yourself and make up your mind to shut it off - it does shut off. This is my new life. I'm surrounded by awesome people, who care about me, who go out of their way to make me happy. I have a beautiful place to live, that is my own... a good job, a nice car and I'm pretty cool too So why was I stressing over HIM?!? LMAO Make up the decision to just let completely go... you don't want her back - you DON'T. Say it to yourself until you believe it. In your own time, take down the artwork... My ex and I used to draw crazy little pictures together too - I left them all there when I moved out. Hang in there... instead of missing her, feel sorry for her - after all she lost YOU - some people just never "get it" and that in itself is the best revenge.
  6. temperamental_taurus
    So tonight was fun, I had a house cleaning party - my friends came over to help me rid my life of this guy and to get my life back in order. We all went to Walmart, and I was finally able to get the things I've needed for around the house for so long. Thank God for people like this... We had a great time, drinking wine, coolers, beer, smoking cigs and music... laughing, reminising... Good times... Forgot to call my sponsor though... LOL... guess I'm just not in the swing of things just yet... Well, after a bottle of wine and all this excitment, I'm done for the evening... Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day... More laterr...A.
  7. temperamental_taurus
    Hang in there!!! I know what you're saying, I used to be funny, up-beat, always smiling, laughing, bouncing around... He stripped all that away from me. Every now and again that girl I once knew shows up, because she's in there, hiding until it's safe to come out again. I want her back, I want ME back... and that will happen in time. I'm stronger than he is, I'm better than he is and good ALWAYS prevails over evil... I'm not going to let him win and neither should you... I've been weak in front of him but that will NEVER happen again. Do what you have to do. If it is to get rid of EVERYTHING that reminds you of her - do it. I just erased an entire year of memories... every picture of him, me, both of us, our trips EVERYTHING that brought back a memory... Memories are dumb anyways, especially if they meant NOTHING. I've gathered all his things and am going to have a farewell ceremony tonight - wanna join me??? LOL - it may make you feel better
  8. temperamental_taurus
    LG - Thank you for your support, I am definitely in need of it right now. I deleted all of our pictures - of EVERYTHING, off my computer. And to think I almost called and asked him if HE wanted them before I deleted them all. LMAO - like he ever cared about any of it. I'm going to clean up this house after I wake up from a nap, and throw away everything of his - even that darn shirt I love so much. I'm going to delete him permenantly from my life. I need to start healing, he never cared, he never tried and THAT he made perfectly clear yesterday. And I'm going to do the same thing. None of it mattered - not one bit of it. Let him continue on doing what he's doing, it's not my concern now. I give up, I give in. All I'm going to focus on now is feeling better. Tomorrow I bring Luna (one of my kitties) to where I got her from and then sometime this week or next weekend, find a place for Baby Kitten. Without all the chaos of animals running around, I may begin to feel at peace finally. I need my life to be the least complicated that it can be at this moment. I'm looking forward to purging all this stuff out of my life... Off to sleep, I need the rest... More later... A.
  9. temperamental_taurus
    Aww, sweetie, i completely understand your pain... I'm at the exact same stage as you are. I'm mentally paralyzed right now, unable to clean, think, drive... I made up my mind though that Sunday I'm snapping out of it. I'm going to force myself. I saw mine yesterday after 5 days of no contact. He was acting all full of himself too... just looking at him made me wish for things to be as they were before... knowing full well they can't and I'm not even going to pursue it. Eventually, I'd like to remain friends... I think... Our life was also the same way... we fight, that's what we do, brought out the good as well as the bad... what better revenge though, to get over them, look great, feel great and meet someone so much better than them!
  10. temperamental_taurus
    So tonight was my very first al-anon meeting... and boy was I sure in the right place. There were men and women there... all having gone through or are going through the very same motions as I am. Leaving, begging them to come back, leaving again, allowing themselves to be walked all over because of their mates' illnesses - swearing it'll be the last time when it never is... all perpetuating the disease. Some women have been going there 10+ years... One thing that was said is that it is OK to love an alcoholic and to stay with him. Those people are STILL going to the meetings because they are STILL with their alcoholic. Have rushed to the ER over and over because his DT's were so bad that they had to restrain him. So, I guess this is the part of Al-Anon that I'll leave there... It is not ok for me to love this man, who is so sick. Not in my mind, anyways... No matter how messed up I am over him right now, I'm still stronger than he is. My world and life were happy before him and it will be better after him. It's just that small part of me that loves him, that ISN'T so strong because this is a powerful illness. I'm planning on continuing to go to Al-Anon until I learn how to untangle myself from him. I felt empowered, I'm taking the first very necessary step to make myself stronger so that he can never treat me badly again. I'm going to get through this, yup I am. I've made up my mind, I'm gonna try darn hard. In a few months time I'll be over all this - I will NOT be one of those women sitting there for 2 or more years... I REFUSE!!! He is not worth it. But I am... he told me today that it's not as if I was some angel throughout the relationship... yeah, I did and said things... this I also found out was normal yet destructive behavior... everyone does it, that I should have reacted differently when dealing with an alcoholic... opposite of the normal reaction. So, hmmm... I should have re-trained my NORMAL behaviors for abnormal ones JUST for his sake to save us? Nah - once again, not worth it. This is his illness, not mine, even though I became entangled in it. I've got a "sponsor" who will tell me the right things to do, ha ha, funny, I have a sponsor - never thought I'd have one of those. And I can call her anytime I need to be told how to retrain my brain to deal or cope with this situation... He's on his way out of my head... and boy will he be sorry once I'm gone. More tomorrow... A.
  11. temperamental_taurus
    Funny you should say that... he called and offered to look at my computer during lunch today. I agreed. ROFLMAO - oh boy, fun stuff... Let me just fill you in on the sickness of it all... He greeted me with a hug...I don't even remember how it all started, oh yeah, I asked him if he really did sleep with her, he said that he wasn't sexual with her THAT NIGHT but they got drunk and high and slept in the same bed together. He told me that he did it to hurt me and that right now he's playing with her, that she's crazy and already emotionally messed up and that "that's how I like 'em".... I sure do miss those games, let me tell ya. I then essentially told him that I didn't need any of this to happen to me. He said this is how he is, that he likes the challenge and I was just that. That after awhile he just moves on. I told him through tears that it wasn't fair to me, and if he had only been up front and honest with me that I would have never gotten into a relationship with him. That the choice should have been mine to make... that I'm destroyed, I can't think, clean, function. He then asked for anal sex (a few times)... come on, just let me... Can you believe that??? What nerve... and no, I didn't, in case you were wondering - honestly, I was so turned off by what I was hearing that I would have rather vomited on myself. He told me they're partying every night, until 4 am, late for work, etc... Can't believe I love and care about this person... I really never knew him. I do, on the other hand, believe in God... and he will lead me to a better place, away from all these sick people. So, tonight I'm going to my first Al-Anon meeting, it's at 7:15 at some church in Tempe. I'm starting the road to recovery for myself... and I can't wait. How sick and twisted he is and at least I was able to tell him to his face how badly he hurt me - I know he doesn't care, but it felt good to me. Thinking I'm going to find a different computer geek to help me out when my computer goes haywire next time... can't wait to go tonight and begin to put an end to all this maddness. More later....
  12. temperamental_taurus
    Thanks Lakergal... I'm going to go to an Al-Anon meeting with a co-worker who goes to these meetings regularly. I need to do SOMETHING. I talked with the ex today... It was good to hear his voice. He was supposed to call me back, didn't - but that's ok... I know he's busy... hoping to be able to be friends with him at some point. I had a good night, went over and hung out with girlfriends - and had an enlightening moment. There was a woman there I had never met - and she asked me what was it that I liked about my ex. That's easy, I told her: I love his eyes, his hands, his feet, his laugh, his skin, his smell, his voice. Ok, she said, what else? What about how he treats you do you like. That question confused me... I love everything about him!!! I'd die for this man, I told her... But I wasn't answering her question... what about how he treats you DO YOU LIKE??? Well, I love his forehead kisses and he tucks me into bed... and? Well, I couldn't come up with a heck of alot. Nothing about the way he treats me makes me feel good or secure... that's what made me into this mess of a girl. Exactly, she said and just looked at me. And then it truly hit me... What I love about him are things that are familiar to me... nothing of substance. WOW WOW WOW... have I been a dumb blond LOL. J wanted me to come over, I went - warned him again that this wasn't healthy for him... but he wanted to talk. Got lost on the way over there - a drive I make everyday - shows how distracted I've been. We were sitting on his patio, deep in conversation and I must have picked up my lighter, subconsciously wanting a cigarette, which were inside the house. You need a cigarette, huh? he asked. Yeah, how'd you know? I'm observant, you're holding your lighter... he said and went and got me my pack. All I could do was look at him, I'm sure with a shocked look on my face... He is AWARE of me and my wants and needs. Another WOW moment - when I get healthy I'm all over this guy... Well, it past 1 AM... More later...
  13. temperamental_taurus
    OK, Hope… I hear you and I decided to do the right thing this morning… I don't want to hurt him, even though I enjoy spending time with him… And I was feeling bad. And I want to start doing the RIGHT things. I know that I'm unhealthy for him right now…. My heart and head are somewhere else. We talked about this, my need for time alone… I explained that I will end up hurting him, that I can't give him what he needs right now – if ever. That it's not fair that I hide behind him, so that I can't feel the pain. Please see attached letter I just received from him: Unfortunately, he's still talking about him and I in a LTR – but this concept is inconceivable to me at this moment… I need to be completely alone, I feel the need to sleep for weeks… but he STILL wants to be there for me. God, why, WHY couldn't this have been how it was in my last relationship??? I'm not ready to be a mom for this man's autistic child, and I don't want to hurt the boy either… I'm taking time away from him… however long it takes, and it may take forever, yet scared that I'll miss him once I'm gone… More later...
  14. temperamental_taurus
    Ahh, Hope... I'm sad for myself too. I don't know what the heck I'm doing half the time right now, if I was to be honest with myself. This break-up and everything that came before it really did a number on me. And I guess I don't know what to do to find relief from it. Counseling is not an option because I don't have health insurance. I can go to Al-Anon meetings but I'm thinking at this point I need alot more than that. And no, I won't be able to give J what he needs right now... there's just SOMETHING that keeps me from forming any emotions towards him. To be blatantly truthful, he'll probably get hurt. Typically, I'm not a selfish person, but yeah, I sure was last night. I don't know how to stop the pain. I think I'm depressed. I haven't been able to clean my house, I don't even want my cats on or around me right now and have thought about giving them up... I'm falling behind at work... It's almost like I'm mentally paralyzed. Fact is, I don't want anyone in my life but then yet, I don't want to feel isolated either... It is literally killing me - how does ANYONE recover from something like this? The thoughts never stop... never. I loved him so much.
  15. temperamental_taurus
    So, it's done and it actually was pretty darn good... I was surprised, was expecting alot less... and alot more of me - like tears of closure or something - but I actually enjoyed myself... He treats me very well and I could get used to that. He's expecting me to run, he knows I run away from everything - but I'm not going to... a girl could do alot worse... I'm sitting here, drunk - isn't this what I complained about to HIM? Not going to follow in his footsteps, just needing the numbness of it all... thinking I'm going to hibernate for awhile - thi new life, it feels so different than what I'm used to... a new man, a new place to live, new friends... I don't know about it all just yet... change is so difficult for me... Thinkng I'm gonna go to bed, my computr's acting up and not sure how long it'll last, more tomorrow...
  16. temperamental_taurus
    Well, I know I'm going to catch alot of heat for this but I tonight I am going to be intimate with J... I know I'm supposed to give it time, heal etc... but I can't STAND the thought that my ex was the last one in me and I need the emotional barrier and I just plain old want to. It'll probably make me sad, and I might end up even more messed up - but I don't think that's possible at this moment. J will be a loving partner and it will definitely be more compassionate than the sex with my ex. Ok, go ahead and blast me now... I know I've got it coming but be gentle about it...
  17. temperamental_taurus
    Oh, I'm not blaming my ex for the bad timing - I'm blaming him for everything he was and wasn't... everything he did and didn't do... If he had even put in one small effort to get himself healthy things could have been so different. I blame his cowardness, his apathy, his weakness... we used to be happy. I blame him for the failure of this relationship and the situations I have to face right now. Is it better for me? Yes, but I would have rather have not had to experience any part of it.
  18. temperamental_taurus
    You're right - it's not fair, not much in my life has been lately. I guess I'm going to have to tell him that while I appreciate his feelings I'm still going to need that time to heal... hopefully he'll stick around... but if not, there are plenty of other men out there... I'll tell you what though... I'm sure getting horny LOL Ok, ok that's no reason either, I know what you're gonna say!!! I blame my ex for all of this... if he was just a decent man none of this would have ever transpired. Grrr.
  19. temperamental_taurus
    I agree 100% the timing is all wrong... I wish this could have happened after I was able to be on my own for at least 6 months... yes I'm panicking that he loves me and yes I know he wants to save me... and no I am definitely not healed yet... I suppose my worst fear at this point is that the ex will enter back into my life somehow and suck me back in... maybe I'm just using this as a safe haven so to speak. Is it a re-bound? Most definitely... but it'd be a heck of a better place than with my ex... I feel that at any point he could come back... wanting to be friends or something - which eventually could be kewl... but if I'm not ready for that and it's too soon - that will wreck me all over again. This guy has been on his own for 6 months now... HE'S ready... I'm just not... and as unhealthy as it SOUNDS how bad could it be for me just to let myself be loved right now? I sure do need it...
  20. temperamental_taurus
    Ack!!! My friend (I'll call him "J") just told me he loves me... I'm not readyyyyyyyyy!!! I realize he's been around me for a month, but for me, I'm only on day 5!!! I don't want to tell him not to tell me that, because if that's the way he feels then who am I to tell him he can't feel that way but ARGH!!!! There are such positive things about him though. He was in the Navy, he's disciplined, he does not do drugs or alcohol, he's supportive, talkative, honest, has had his job for 5 years, he is open with his affection, he is respectful, he is cute, awesome big green/hazel eyes, he has a nice truck, he has raised his son on his own since birth, he has a clean house, he's patient. Then there are the negative things: He's too nice to me, he can't spell, his lips are too puffy or squishy or something, he has no sense of style - or at least what I consider to be attractive. HA! Boy are those superficial things... except the too nice part... I guess I've been conditioned into believing that a nice man is a weak man, so it's not much of a turn on. I need to get over myself and just be with him... I need to allow myself to be loved, I mean REALLY loved... but it feels so foreign to me... I'm not sure if I'll know what to do... I'm scared to death that'll end up being the same thing again - where I end up devastated because I once again put my faith in a man. Maybe I should just let myself fall into him... it would be easy to, I just still have this remaining sense of faithfulness to my ex that my heart won't let go of... Grrr... the heck with my ex!!!!!!!!!!! I deserve respect, love, to be adored!!! I think I'm gonna do it... we were talking about our employee Christmas party today and much to my surprise I envisioned "J" going with me... and it seemed perfectly natural... and we're planning a vacation to Cali next month... hopefully nothing gets in the way of all this, I suppose there's only one thing that could... ME.
  21. temperamental_taurus
    Wow, thanks for that link... man, I sure related to that whole narcissitic section... that those types of relationships are much more difficult to break free from and that even strong, independent women fall for it. I had a good night again last night - spending time with my guy friend - and found myself drawn to him. My comfort level is increasing and there's a feeling that's bordering on attraction. We talked about alot stuff that didn't involve my ex and touched on subjects that would require us being together for a long time. He's such a good guy, I could do a lot worse - actually LOL - I HAVE been with worse. He bought me dinner and we stayed up til 2 am talking. I'm not ready for a sexual relationship at this time but have a feeling it's not going to be long now... Even though it's only been a short 5 days of NC - it seems like a lifetime ago. I'm doing a lot better and have noticed the thoughts of my ex have been subsiding dramatically. The hurt that I felt isn't as raw anymore and I am thankful for that because I thought I would seriously suffocate from it. I've been laughing again, smiling too - I still have my moments of distraction - heck I almost wrecked my car twice because I wasn't paying attention. I may look into Al-Anon, I guess I'm just irritated with the fact that I need to, ya know? Because of his disease I am now messed up and I don't like that. Would rather tough it out myself and feel like I conquered him by myself. Because I can and will make it through this and will end up at a better place because of it. More later...
  22. temperamental_taurus
    I am so proud of you for making that difficult first step..! The best thing you can do right now is focus on yourself. Get yourself healthy. It may be a blessing in disguise - her leaving for awhile. Take that time to recover from your addiction - everything after that will fall into place. What is meant to be, will be! Take each day 24 hours at a time! You'll be glad you did because this addiction of yours, even though it may make you feel better temporarily, will eventually destroy your relationships and life. *hugs*
  23. temperamental_taurus
    Thanks Hope. I know I need to be concerned about this guy's feelings. I feel like that book that's out... "Admit it, you're just not that into him..." or whatever - LOL. We just got back from lunch together, and I admit enjoying his company but it stops there. It's like a rubberband.. some days I feel like I could be, other days I feel nothing. Time will tell, but I'm afraid of hurting him if feelings never form - but how will I know if they will or won't until some time goes by? It's almost like I'm used to the challenge of my ex... this other guy is easy. There's no drama, he's just there for me. Boy am I messed up! LMAO... Although... I'm heavily into signs and I had burned a CD last night with 7 songs on it... and during our ride to lunch, 2 of the 7 came on the radio... songs that almost refer directly to him. Is someone pointing me in the right direction perhaps? I guess only time will tell...
  24. temperamental_taurus
    I feel better today... I downloaded music last night and listened to Evanesense "My Immortal" over and over until I couldn't cry anymore. The release of all that emotion came swiftly... surging from deep within me in huge soul shaking sobs. The storm subsided somewhere around the 12th time I replayed the song and left in its wake a sense of peace. Wow, does that song "fit". Afterwards, I listened to some upbeat stuff and was dancing around my house like a dork, and eventually went and visited my guy friend. He's beginning to have issues with all of this. He can't stand knowing I cry over my ex, he hates to know that I am still in love with him... he wasn't good to you, how can you love him, etc... he wants to be able to hold me, touch me and I'm not ready yet. He got frustrated last night... and I can understand that... I told him that if it hurts him too much, that I have no problem not coming around until I'm over it - but he says the pain he feels is minimal compared to what it'd be if he could not see me... I think the man is falling in love with me... and unfortunately I'm not going to be able to return that feeling for awhile - I need to work myself through my own stuff first before I'll be ready for another relationship. I know that this man will be good to me... my girlfriends say "just let yourself be loved"... but it's not that simple - if it were, I wouldn't be here, pouring my thoughts out, trying to make sense of it all. I can not just shut off my heart, and I am going to remain true to my heart until that feeling disappears... to try and force something would not be healthy, as if any of this is anyways... More later...
  25. temperamental_taurus
    My mom just called and told me that my grandmother passed away today... it just keeps getting better and better... not sure how much more I can stand... the sense of loss is over-whelming... She was fine this morning and was just found slumped over the kitchen table... I'd just like to ask God to watch over her and take care of her because she's new up there and doesn't know her way around yet... not more I can type through tears...
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