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ajk

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Everything posted by ajk

  1. ajk
    you need to question your statements... because she's confused and hadn't called doesn't mean that she doesn't care. the place you're saying that from is a place in you that feels like that--but it doesn't mean it's coming from her.
  2. ajk
    i agree with suprema about the drunk call thing--it makes someone less hesitant, so they call. 7 months is not a long time to be confused. the longer time goes by, the more you want to talk to that person. i think annie's suggestion of being light in the coversation is the way to go--you don't want the first conversation you have in 7 months to be heavy. if you express any feelings, do it in a light way. it sounds like you still are open-ended about things...so why not talk to her now? would it be damaging? she might be thinking that if you saw her number and haven't called, you are angry. who knows... you just have to decide what you want. you may want her to be knocking your door down and super clear about what she wants right now, but it doesn't always work out like that. if you want contact with her, she has left the door slightly open for you.
  3. ajk
    wouldn't she know that you can see her number? i guess if you want to talk to her, then call her back. seven months is a long time. have you been feeling more like yourself, and like it won't disrupt how you feel too much, to talk to her?
  4. ajk
    don't watch "closer" either! that movie made me completely sick and scared about the state of relationships...definitely a downer if you are trying to heal!
  5. ajk
    i get these things, too, and have for a while. it's very common but doctor's like to label it (they have to diagnose it as something) and unfortunately it makes you think you have some kind of rare disease or condition. i used to think it was a problem and indicated something wrong with me, but now when it happens (rarely, but more often when i am stressed or have anxiety) i realize it's not going to hurt me. it's scary because it feels like you lose your breath for that moment. i'm sure you will be okay, though! don't put too much focus on it and it may not bother you as much.
  6. ajk
    woops--sorry, i posted without reading your update! would it help you at all to tell her that you don't want to talk to her because of how she handled things? i mean, it's upsetting to ME how she handled things with you...breaking up over the phone, for one thing...i'd love to tell her myself! LOL
  7. ajk
    i think it's fine to email her with the 'hi, i'm doing fine, thanks' comment, but don't ask her how she is. the reason i say it may be okay for you to email her is just that you will feel less guilty if you at least respond. there's a way in which not responding at all may be part of the impulse to punish her and make her regret, etc., which is not a good frame of mind for you to be in. the only thing about emailing her is that you have to do it feeling that you don't want to talk to her right now, and that you are just being polite and still don't want contact. it's really about you not contacting her and not putting yourself in a mode of desperation.
  8. ajk
    i'm glad to see two encouraging posts in response to your questions my bf and i broke up after our relationship turned long distance, and it's too easy at this point to be a monday-morning quarterback, so to speak, and see all the things that went wrong that we should have done differently. after the fact, of course, i read a book called 'long distance relationships: the complete guide' by dr. gregory guldner. it seems to have very very good, practical advice and is based on a lot of research, unlike the other books that are more anecdotal. it is hard to get even at barnes & nobel, but i found it on link removed. best of luck with meeting one another and making a go of it
  9. ajk
    don't talk to him! i hope you didn't respond to his text back to you. that's very inconsiderate of him to tell you he has a 'booking' coming up. if you broke up with him for that reason and he's still like that, why try to work things out? if he hasn't given you an indication that he's willing to work on things, it isn't worth what it is doing to you to stay in touch with him.
  10. ajk
    i think it's totally okay to take her to work. i actually think she probably does miss you...otherwise, why would she ask that? i'm sure there are plenty of other people she could ask. i also think that she realizes the support/love that you give her...she knows she can turn to you if she needs something. sometimes people need to see what they are missing and how much someone means to them.
  11. ajk
    it sounds like you want to see him and at least see about being friends. if that's the case, then there's no problem with meeting up. even though he may have bailed right after you guys broke up, it was probably the best thing for both of you at the time. it sounds like not seeing him has made you stronger. just because he's an ex doesn't mean you have to cut him out of your life completely. you've been broken up for roughly the same amount of time you dated. i don't think it's an issue that you'll be overanalyzing things he says. and it's up to you to see if that's a path you want to go down or not, in terms of whether you could ever be with him again. it seems like you're pretty sensible about it either way, so if you want to see him and he wants to see you, then go.
  12. ajk
    he gets to 'move on' first because YOU are the stronger person. remember that!!!! i think your email was fine...just really really really try to NOT think about it. stop yourself every time you wonder what he is thinking or what his response is, or whether he cares. you will have great experiences in the next several months, and you will need to keep yourself open to them. even if he is dating someone, it doesn't mean he will be a good bf to them. just remember that he has faults (cowardice, etc.) and he won't be perfect to someone else after cheating you out of the love you deserve. if there were any 'deal breakers' in how he was to you (cheating, abuse, etc.), anything that may be a deal breaker for *you* personally (dishonesty, etc.), remember that you deserve to have a life with someone who would treat you better and not do those things. i don't know what the problems were, exactly, maybe they were subtle ones, but if you reflect on that and come up with what HIS problems were, maybe you can see that he wasn't right for you? i know it still hurts, and it doesn't mean that one day he won't regret this or that he won't often regret hurting you. your friend's advice sounds like it may be accurate, but remember that you deserve to be with someone who *gives* you love, not someone who just *feels* love for you, but isn't equipped to give it... i know it's all so painful. i am very sorry. just take these next few months to take care of yourself and develop yourself in new ways, and you will feel much, much better.
  13. ajk
    they seem to be reactions of someone who is afraid of being hurt...which it seems was what happened when you separated. yes, i think the hickey thing is out of control, however. i think the drinking and smoking thing is a natural depressive reaction for some people, not necessarily just trying to live life if she thinks she's missed it by being married young. alcoholics of all ages drink because they're depressed. my brother and his wife are divorcing now, and all of the changes they are exhibiting surprise me...stuff you would never imagine each of them to do, all of a sudden appearing selfish in ways they weren't before, etc. i think a good way to be supportive but not smothering is to give someone space and let them come to you. just let her know you will be there when she wants to talk, and until then, not pressure her. also, i am a big fan of dr. phil and would suggest you reading "relationship rescue."
  14. ajk
    so he said that it didn't come from her email account? or do you not know? did someone create an account and write as if they were her? if so, why would he block your email? you just let him know what was happening... why did he say he'd block your email?
  15. ajk
    i think DN gave you great advice about asking for clarification... i would also definitely not turn dates down
  16. ajk
    i guess the trust issue is compounded by you being long distance. how long will it be until you see each other again? trust is so vital for LDRs. you have to be able to know if he will stick by his word to you, and what it means to him to be 'faithful' and if he even wants to. have you read "long distance relationships: the complete guide" by greg guldner? i got in on amazon and it has very, very solid advice. it covers the trust issue very thoroughly. good luck!
  17. ajk
    yep, give back the car seat, but get that money!!!
  18. ajk
    my LDR broke up two months ago, very sadly on both our parts, but i recently read a book called "long distance relationships: the complete guide" by gary guldner (sp?), i think, that seems to be really really good....the other ones i read were not as helpful. i would look at it for sure. there is no statistical reason why a long distance relationship won't work as well as a close-proximity one. the breakup rate is basically the same. let's just say i should have read this book when we went from living closely to LDR. it gives all kinds of scenarios and very good advice.
  19. ajk
    raykay-- in defense to saying that five months seems too fast for his ex to get engaged, it is solely based on the details here. she's blamed him for his behavior, but clearly hasn't looked at her own. 'too fast' means that she hasn't evaluated herself enough to have a good relationship. she started this other relationship immediately and probably while in the relationship with him, and then blamed him for the breakup. don't make the guy feel worse! there is definitely something to be said for taking the time to heal and get to know yourself better before starting new relationships, for both parties involved in a breakup.
  20. ajk
    i know the ups and downs are so hard...i'm sorry to hear you saw her profile on a personals, but yes, maybe good to see that all those qualities she found in you were ones she realizes she really needs. i know you realize that what you gave her was incredible. i also just found out that my ex is already with someone--has been for over a month now--kind of vague as to when it happened, but basically within weeks of our breakup (though our breakup took three weeks to play out). some people just don't like being alone. even if lisa puts up walls, maybe she is the same?
  21. ajk
    i really feel for you. i agree with whoever said that if she did two-time you, then you are really better off. engaged after five months is way too soon in a situation like that...she has issues. you don't want to be with her. my roommate's ex did the same exact thing to her. he met someone while they were still together. they really only broke up in june, and he proposed to the woman last month...they're getting married in may. ridiculous. but it really points out how much better off she is without him.
  22. ajk
    i wouldn't send that email. it has a self-effacing tone to it... and is saying things that are the opposite of what you said in your post about it, so i think you will only regret not being completely honest. for example, you wrote you still have hope and want to work things out, and the email says you've 'been through' that hope stage. you're not telling him the truth, so how can you expect to connect to him? also, things like "not that i should really care" and "i know you must be rolling your eyes" are anti-communicative. i would definitely take those kinds of statements out, but overall, i would rewrite the whole thing, REALLY take the time to think about if you can really handled the relationship again, or if you just need to ask for his forgiveness and take things one day at a time after that.
  23. ajk
    you don't want to have to deal with any repercussions if you sell it and he ends up wanting it back. i would suggest you IM him and tell him he needs to arrange a way for you to get it to him or that you will get rid of it. (i.e. he can pay for postage for you to mail it to him, or something, or he can have a friend of his pick it up). then, you find out if he is concerned about it and if he's not, he is allowing you to do whatever you want with it.
  24. ajk
    thank you for your words, especially the ones about it being okay and necessary to grieve. getting angry does not help everyone...hearts will still have to grieve even after the anger passes. i would like to heal as completely as possible, and i don't think anger lets you heal and respect the good memories.
  25. ajk
    just to clarify a little, it was me looking at the negatives from the breakup in my head and how those things started eroding my sense of having been loved during the prior period that was the problem. i need to combat the negatives so that they don't do that. i just think that people's psychologies are so intricate and there is no one way to get over someone that applies to every relationship. for me personally, adding more negatives is something i have to fight against doing. i am looking more for a place of love/spirituality that holds me up. i was treated VERY well in the relationship. if i had been treated poorly or even less well than what i was, it would have been different. it was my ex who taught me the good things about love, things that my parents did not and that no previous relationships had. that's an important part of why i say that looking for negatives would erode what i got from the relationship.
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