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ajk

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Everything posted by ajk

  1. ajk
    no, i didn't understand/accept the reasons for the ending...i am only starting to now, but it is after a time of a lot of pain about it. i definitley am not one of those whose parents taught them how to view things in a non-destructive manner. it was quite the opposite and i am definitely battling feelings of abandonment. that is what the breakup and manner of breakup triggered, which has been the problem. what i was saying is that the relationship was filled with so many good things that there really were no negatives. we were together nearly every day for about 6 months, and broke up after we had been long distance for 2 months. in our most recent conversation, he said that it was the only thing that did us in, and it was the issue of him having been in a five year relationship that left him very lonely during a period of long distance, when she broke up with him (complicated by him being in a place now that held memories of her). i know those were his issues, nothing to do with me, and i've told him now (only a couple of days ago) that i need to walk away from this with positive feelings and not the negative feelings that things he said (during our three week over-the-phone breakup with a lot of crying on both of our parts) caused. for me, it's not the person, my ex, who i need to make the 'list' about. it's the feelings from my past...issues with my parents and other relationships...the triggers that make my feelings of abandoment so strong, and made them strong during the period of long distance. yes, i could make a list about the breakup issues and how he handled that, but how i let them occur also rested on my shoulders, and i do need to look at what i did 'wrong', in my opinion, so that *i* can grow. what i said in my last post in this thread is that it's not healthy to erase the good things about the relationship, especially when it's one that's added to your sense of self and self-esteem. otherwise i would be saying that i'm a victim and that the bad overwhelmed the good, and that was not and is not the case. i don't think it's healthy in cases like that for people to negate the good things by making a list, as you say.
  2. ajk
    i think making a list and focusing on the negative things can be too painful for some people (myself included!). it's precisely because my mind focuses on the negative that i have been feeling so hurt. i would like to walk away from the relationship with my ex feeling like it was a good time in my life and the breakup didn't change that... the relationship was great...the breakup was lousy. i wouldn't have changed anything about the relationship. i think in those cases, it's not helpful to focus on the negative, because you're really just injuring your view of yourself.
  3. ajk
    can you clarify what you mean by "almost ended up" getting pregnant? if she cheated on you, do you really want her back? i am confused about why she thinks she "needs to settle down" when she is 16? no, she was not the girl you thought she was...it doesn't mean she can't be her again, and hasn't cleaned her act up, but if she can't show by her actions that she wants to be with you, where does that leave you? how bad was her cheating? do you feel healed after that, or do you feel like you need the relationship now in order to heal it? have you forgiven her completely?
  4. ajk
    no, guilt doesn't necessarily equal love, BUT...we feel guilt for a reason, usually to tell ourselves that we've done something wrong (i recall this from an anthropology class years ago...). you have to ask yourself why you feel guilty. you say that you also feel like you want to make it up to her. if that's because you have a lingering feeling of love for her, maybe you made a mistake. these are questions you have to ask yourself. when we hurt others, we SHOULD feel wrong about it. it's more toward a human impulse to grow close to someone and repair things than it is to reject them. it's only the 'modern' society that tells us we should think about ourselves before others...obviously we never would have survived as a species if this was always the case (i.e., group survival and survival of the family was always more important before), thereforeeee, i think it's contrary to human nature to 'destroy' a relationship unit...thus the guilt.
  5. ajk
    no, guilt doesn't necessarily equal love, BUT...we feel guilt for a reason, usually to tell ourselves that we've done something wrong (i recall this from an anthropology class years ago...). you have to ask yourself why you feel guilty. you say that you also feel like you want to make it up to her. if that's because you have a lingering feeling of love for her, maybe you made a mistake. these are questions you have to ask yourself. when we hurt others, we SHOULD feel wrong about it. it's more toward a human impulse to grow close to someone and repair things than it is to reject them. it's only the 'modern' society that tells us we should think about ourselves before others...obviously we never would have survived as a species if this was always the case (i.e., group survival and survival of the family was always more important before), thereforeeee, i think it's contrary to human nature to 'destroy' a relationship unit...thus the guilt.
  6. ajk
    i know that in plenty of cases, 'waiting around' is the only way an ex comes back, but that probably is because certain psychological traits (for the ex and the person who was left) have to be in place for that. (the ex has to be the type who can ONLY process things on their own, and also has to be confident enough to call! i don't know how many times i've called an ex and had them say they've thought about calling numerous times, but were nervous about it. men and women can be equally shy and scared to put their hearts out there). it seems to me that in order to connect to someone, you have to take the risk of making yourself vulnerable to them...that's the only way REAL, EVOLVED love develops. even if someone has hurt you, if you want to become closer and repair the relationship, either still in it or after a breakup, don't you have to take a risk and expose yourself? isn't that how marriages survive on a day-to-day basis? one person pulls you through the rough times... there's a balance between saying you can't tolerate something and being forgiving/understanding and willing to compromise. yes, the other person needs to compromise, too, but i think if the ex wants to stay friends, it does indicate at least a small willingness to compromise, and the ability to still care for the person they've left.
  7. ajk
    i guess being friends as a step to become closer again depends on the reasons you were together, too, how bad the breakup was, etc. if it was a bad breakup and there are residual hurts from that, you may need NC in order to heal for yourself, so you're in a better place to approach them from, without it setting you back if they don't want to get back together. i feel in the minority here a bit... if you don't have bad feelings for your ex it's hard to push them out of your life and say that they don't deserve you if they don't come crawling back, etc. why put up permanent walls against someone you care about, if they genuinely don't mean to hurt you? isn't it okay to soften a little? obviously every situation is different, because the people involved are different...
  8. ajk
    it's hard to know how to take her statement that she can't be with you. i would definitely give her space and time to think things through, but if you need to just let her know you care, maybe send her a few short words somehow. it sounds like maybe her ex is the jealous type, too marketing is as deceptive as any job...i'm not sure why she thinks that. it doesn't mean you're a dishonest person. are you sure that she talks to him every day? that seems a little wrong to me--like she is not considering your feelings.
  9. ajk
    did she say that it's over? i'm not sure that i got that from what you described... how long was she in the relationship with the ex for? how long had it been since they had been together? did she date anyone between you and him? it sounds like the conversation you had had a lot to do with the two of you drinking at the time... how has she been nasty to you this week otherwise, though? is there a way you could explain your feelings to her about her relationship with her ex that doesn't seem like it's jealous or possessive--let her know what about it hurts you? DO you feel reassured by her after she sees him? the thing with jealousy is that it can create so many problems--if you don't have a reason to be jealous, you need to stop the reaction NOW before it does lead to a breakup. it is perfectly alright for people to be friends with their exes...depending on the circumstances, of course, whether the ex is interfering, etc., or if the ex is with someone else, too. sorry for all the questions!
  10. ajk
    hey keefy-- i think your email back to her was great, nonchalant, funny, and endearing. i do think she's making some assumptions about your behavior--you are working on yourself to change those things and perhaps she doesn't see that, for whatever reason. but you're right, that if you don't initiate contact, she will probably see it. (though i am not totally for the NC thing, or for not initiating contact...sometimes it's good to let people know you're thinking of them, as you did in your text message to her. building trust and connection is important.) her emails are confusing, though, perhaps keeping you by a string...so if you can, don't let the confusion hurt you...
  11. ajk
    i think definitely yes
  12. ajk
    ignore her friends' laughing...you're right, they were immature. their reaction also may have nothing to do with her feelings. sounds like you giving her a gift may have started something...if she is looking at you and stuff. i couldn't read your whole story, though, because the url you gave took me to a list of your posts. which specific one tells your story? thanks!
  13. ajk
    sometimes you can think of someone years later and still be sad about things...just depends where you are in your life and what is going on. it is hard if not impossible to be completely healed, and to only keep good memories (and even if you do, it can make you sad to think of them). the work you do now, though, will help you be more positive and heal more for the long run. now you are going through the hardest time, so it gets easier, if not perfect. don't beat yourself up about having bad days...it happens to the best of us today i was pretty sad about my ex, too. sometimes it's just the weather. on sunny days it's better, even if i miss him, to not feel so down about it. are you having that problem, too?
  14. ajk
    hmmm...well, did he say WHY he's not interested in getting involved romantically? what did your email to him say? were you asking him out?
  15. ajk
    i agree with the others, plus, maybe it would make her think of you more if you didn't call her or send a card... if she's used to getting the support from you and doesn't, she will see that you're sticking by what you said, and will have more respect for you because of it.
  16. ajk
    just to reply to the boyfriend thing... she may have broken up with him, who knows... but she may still be with him and is contacting you to test her feelings. my ex-ex did that to me at one point. called me, etc., and then come to find out he was dating someone, and pretty much was just seeing if he had a hold of me, still. and of course because i was still 'there' for him, he ran again. if that is her issue, i would just be cautious, boyfriend or not.
  17. ajk
    can you give more details about the break up, etc.? i can't really comment without that. thanks!
  18. ajk
    clodhopper--i posted on one of your other forums just now, so you can read my comments over there. i just want to argue with a point richgabe made-- richgabe: i think clodhopper sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders about this, and that she IS accepting that the relationship, the way it was, is over. a lot of relationships do renew themselves (people stay in love by falling in love again every day--why would you think that you can't fall in love with someone again after a period of separation? it takes dedication but people do it all the time). i think her boyfriend's comments to her sound like he is confused, that is all, and if she can be patient and not press him, he can have time to sort out his feelings on his own. he may very well want to be with her at that point. it is not a 50-50 chance--there is no percentage for it--it depends on what is in his heart, and he obviously wanted to be with her at some point, or they never would have had a relationship. maybe he said "in so many ways" that he doesn't want to be with her, but that was something he said in the moment, and feelings are fleeting and change all the time. one second you can feel in love, the next you can feel 'like friends,' and if you're not aware enough that that is what love is and how feelings are, you (people in general) can misinterpret your own feelings and assume they are fading when really, you are holding an idealized version of 'true love' in your mind. grown-up love is knowing that feelings fluctuate. it sounds like this guy is just confused. and really, if people can just walk away and accept that something is "over" completely, forever, no going back, they may not really have loved the person (or are denying their feelings and not really loving because of that--you are not loving when you withhold your love, and that is definitely a form of withholding). it sounds like clodhopper did love him and does quite a bit and i'm proud of her for that.
  19. ajk
    my ex said the SAME exact words, too!!! do guys read this in a manual? LOL but here's my point... i saw my ex for the first time new year's in 2 1/2 months (we were together 6 months and then long distance for 2 before we broke up), and he had tears welling in his eyes the whole time we talked. i didn't expect that, but what i'm saying to you is that when people say their feelings have changed, they are just 'not into it' anymore, etc., they are really avoiding their feelings. that doesn't mean they will try to get back together with you or that they think a relationship will work, but giving them time to sort out their feelings is good. it is totally normal for you to be scared about seeing him again. (i read your newest post, by the way). i know you want to get back together, but give it a little time before you say anything. see how he feels, first. also, try not to contact him and let him contact you. that will at least make YOU feel better and help break the 'pursuing' cycle that you may feel like you are in whenever you contact him first.
  20. ajk
    you would not be feeling nautious from pregnancy one day after having sex. DID the sperm slip through, or are you just speculating? did the condom come off? there's not much chance for sperm to get through a condom--a 1% chance, really. your nipples may be hard because you're ovulating??? are there emotional reasons you were feeling nautious? (didn't like the guy? he isn't treating you well, etc.?) what i'm saying is that the reaction could be induced by your feelings.
  21. ajk
    i think it could be appropriate to ask her if she's okay and express that you're concerned about her... do you think any of your actions could have been construed as putting 'pressure' on her? was it her or you that initiated talking again?
  22. ajk
    what a sweet story about you and your ex...and that's good that you are not jumping into seeing 'what might have been' since you are still healing from another relationship. you're right that i'm thinking about my 'time frame' for seeing him when i think about it being unlikely that i will. i do catch myself thinking that if he doesn't come back for his spring break and doesn't seek me out then, that means he won't ever want to see me! it's also my habit of negative thinking that i need to work against with that... my mom has been telling me some stories about guys she dated when i was little (after my parents divorced) who literally have called her years and years later--one guy she dated when i was 8 or 9 (i am now 31) just called her a couple of months ago. how insane is that? (and inappropriate in some ways because he was not thinking of my mom, but again, thinking of himself...his father died and he wanted to talk to someone who used to be supportive of him--my mother had never even met his dad, but he is currently with a woman he doesn't feel as close to, blah blah blah...). the moral i guess is that you always remain in people's thoughts and hearts, even if they NEVER call, or take over 20 years to... in any case, thanks very much for your support, but especially for keeping me looking at things realistically
  23. ajk
    thanks for your advice, shocked... i got it after seeing him, but it helps for me to sort out what i think about the 'meeting' and also helps me make sure that i don't over-interpret anything as a 'sign' or 'signal' of his feelings. fyi, seeing him was and will be very uncommon, actually--you had mentioned that since we have similar friends we will still see each other, but the case is actually that he is in grad school and we were long distance. i am moving back to where we had both lived before, but i'm not planning on just hanging out with the friends of mine who know him--i think it will be good for me to make new friends and also keep up with friends who are totally separate from him, just so i am not thinking about him so much. anyhow, the point is that i really don't have any idea if i'll see him again, as it's unlikely that i'd run into him without us initiating it, even if he comes back to see his friends--thus why i was feeling nervous about it. he is definitely an emotional guy and i saw a lot of confusion in him new year's eve (a lot of tears--more on his part than on mine--even though we never talked about 'us'), but i do agree that he needs time to sort through his feelings. i've been advised in the past (about a different ex) about how 'guys get overwhelmed' and then don't want to think about it...so i know i need to respect that and give him space so he can have HIS healing time. i do have a lot on my plate right now that i want to focus on otherwise, and i need to keep myself busy to do those things. i still think it is good to have hope, and i do believe that it will work out at some point, if that is still what i want. i did really enjoy being around him and i think he enjoyed being around me, even though it was sad in ways. we still could 'talk' and 'connect' just as easily as we always have, which was something that the breakup process wasn't giving us--definitely an indication that stepping back and getting breathing space is a better thing to do with difficulties than to focus all of your energies on them...
  24. ajk
    i think you CAN actually say something...i need to think about it a little bit more before posting, though--i don't want to offer you any advice i would take back later. (i am going through the same thing!) you do have to have the 'attitude' that she should come to you--you can't force her, but you can offer her support and patience and let her know she can trust you by your actions.... i'll post again later
  25. ajk
    oh, definitely HIM, not just 'someone.' i have always taken time between relationships to heal, never jump into things just to fill a 'void,' etc. i have become very selective with who i date, and it is definitely HIM and the relationship we had that is the reason i want to renew this. in the past, i can say that i did not realize how good of a guy i deserved to be with. this one is the true type. it was several years between my last relationship and this one, though i did date to see what was out there. obviously, though, some of my past issues were still there and played a part in my reactions during long distance and in the breakup, and are still playing a part in this healing process (past issues like drunk boyfriends, parent stuff, etc., like everyone has, pretty much!). my insecurities only make me have a hard time with patience and abandonment feelings...but we had a very positive, very loving, very devoted relationship that hit a bad circumstance that neither of us had the foresight to think about beforehand... thank you for trying to point me in a better direction, though i appreciate it!
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