CherryGrl

17, huh? Well, that might be a little complicated if the woman is 30ish. Just posted on another thread regarding younger guy/older woman relationships, saying I think they might be becoming more common. However, I think many women would be disinclined to get involved with a guy under 18. That doesn't mean you can't introduce yourself, though!

Actually, I don't find it at all unusual that women of 25 would come on to a 19-year-old guy. I wouldn't find it unusual if you were interested in one of them, if she were single. Actually, I've noticed that in the past few years it seems to have become much more common for young guys to come on to older women as well, so maybe some highly publicized celebrity duos have had some influence in this regard. There seem to be more younger guy/older woman relationships all the time, and maybe we are beginning to be more accepting of this. I have had many young guys flirt with me over the years, in fact a very young-looking guy at the drugstore the other day asked me what I was doing later. Was he serious? Who knows? Since I'm in a relationship, I smiled and told him I was having dinner with my boyfriend. He snapped his fingers and said "darn," but I don't think he was really serious, probably just being friendly. Anyway, if you are not at all interested in older women, just ignore their flirting, I doubt that they'll push it if you don't respond. If you are interested, and they're available, I don't see anything wrong with your seeing someone in her 20s.

Could be, if she's been making eyes at you all this time. Not sure what you want here, since you say you know the dangers of workplace flirting and don't want to start something up, but I don't see any harm in introducing yourself since you two have been coworkers for a month now.

I would not get involved with someone at the workplace. I know a lot of people do this, but I've also known a few personally who wished they hadn't. If a relationship develops but then doesn't work out, you might find yourself in a place where you not only are trying to get over a break-up but are very uncomfortable going to your nice, good-paying job. If you do decide that dating at your workplace is something that you want to risk, make sure before you start anything that this attractive lady is unattached and available, or you could really find yourself in a bag of worms.

I think you and I are really just on different pages regarding porn. I LIKE porn and it's not the least bit hard for me to understand why guys like it. I have enjoyed porn for many years prior to current relationship. I know and have known many women who also enjoy porn, both with and without their guys. Of course I've also heard women say they have no idea what the appeal is, and if that's the case I can see how it might make someone feel angry or threatened. I've never felt threatened by women in porn or thought I was being compared unfavorably, any more than I feel that way when we're at the beach. Sorry, I just don't see this as a respect thing.

Well, I see where you're coming from, but I think my guy and I see sex as both sacred at times and fun at times. We certainly don't watch porn every time we make love, but it's part of variety and games. I'm pretty familiar with my boyfriend's taste in porn, and he's famliar with mine, it's not something we've ever hidden from each other. After nearly a decade of observing what he chooses to buy and watch, he is attracted to pretty much the same thing now as he always has been and is turned off by violence or cruelty toward women. In fact, he's a very tender and sensual guy. And no, I don't see his watching porn as him giving his sexual energy to something other than me. I don't find it threatening or feel that I "deserve better." If he masturbates, that's his business, practically all humans do. If he likes to look at porn while masturbating, that's his business too, as long as he doesn't masturbate so excessively that he doesn't have enough energy for me, and that has never been even close to the case.

Finallyknowme, I just read that article, and I do agree that a lot of porn these days is violent and degrading to women, but I don't think that applies to all porn. I don't think, as this guy apparently does, that we should eliminate all porn. If I were involved with a guy who watched things I found really disgusting, like porn that depicts violence toward women or child porn or women having sex with animals or a woman being degraded by a group of guys (as the video this guy is describing apparently does) I would have an issue with that. The issue wouldn't be over the watching of porn in general though, rather it would be over why these particular images that I find unacceptable would arouse him. I don't think we should make a blanket statement that all pornography is bad. Lots of porn just depicts one man with one woman performing what most people would probably describe as normal sex acts.

Wow, 10 pages on this topic! This one hits a lot of hot buttons. Yeah, my boyfriend looks at porn too, and 99 percent of the time it doesn't bother me at all. Frequently we watch it together, sometimes at his instigation and sometimes at mine. On occasion I have experienced minor irritation at his attention to his internet collection, like recently when I was at my laptop and he was on his accross the room, and while waiting for something to download he was cruising porn. Certainly not to get aroused at that moment, in fact we had just had great sex, he was just idly looking. I said to him, god, why would you be looking at that now and he could tell I was mildly annoyed. Right away I could see this hurt his feelings and I realized it was the silliest thing to get irked about. Who cares? I decided to just never say another word, as long as porn doesn't get in the way of real life (and it never has.) For the girls who walk in on their guys while they're watching porn and masturbating -- why not surprise your guy by joining in? Certainly might get you right past that ackward moment! What a great time to give him a BJ, and I'll bet it does a lot more for your relationship than screaming and crying and demanding he stop that disgusting behavior. Let him keep watching the porno. In a minute or two I'll bet you have a lot more of his attention than the girls on the screen. There's a lot of porn out there these days and apparently there are guys who are seriously addicted to it, but this doesn't seem to apply to most guys. If your guy watches porn and beats off sometimes, even though the two of you have a good sex life, try to just take it in stride. He's not comparing you to the girls in the flicks and finding you lacking. I really think it has nothing to do with you or his love for you. (If he's visiting sites where he is trying to hook up with the girls in real life, that's a whole other thing, I'm talking about looking at photos or movies of basically anonymous women.) There are many areas in relationships where people have to compromise. I realize that not all women are comfortable with pornography, and if that's the case you probably won't feel like joining in. But I think demanding the guy never look at porn again or you're going to leave him is a bit over the top. Lots of guys look at the stuff. Are you going to eliminate every guy who ever looks at porn from your list of potential mates? I'm sure there are some guys who have no interest whatsoever in porn, so you might find a guy, but it certainly will decrease the number of men you have to choose from, and eliminate a lot of really nice men.

I definitely think you are making the right decision to not contact him for awhile. I wouldn't even worry about the fact that the last time you talked you indicated it was OK to be friends. You have the right to change your mind about that and he should have no trouble understanding, considering how badly he's hurt you. I think I would answer the e-mail and just let him know as briefly and calmly as possible that I've decided I need some time away from him to think about what I want to do from here. You certainly aren't going to get him back by yelling at him and sending him degrading e-mail. Then don't contact him again until you have better control of your emotions. If he e-mails, don't respond. If he calls, answer the phone but tell him you aren't ready to talk to him yet. I'm sorry you're so miserable, K. It's hard to be dumped. I've been there, too, and it was painful, but know that the pain will lessen and even go away in time. Hang in there.

This woman is unbelieveably callous! Why would you want her back? She's lied to you, cheated on you, has no regard for your feelings in this matter and won't even agree to stop the relationship with this guy if you get back together. Oh, and she won't show you his e-mails because if you saw them you wouldn't want to get back together with her. That's rather blunt, she's coming right out and telling you that she's lying to you about the relationship. Just a friend? Then what's in those e-mails that would make you not want her back, since you already know she was attracted to him, dated him, was intimate with him (although according to her only kissing and touching even though she spent a week hanging out in his hotel room.) Maybe if you saw the e-mails you would find out what really went on in that room? At the least, I thing you would find that this guy does not think of her as a friend at all. Jaimie, the more I read about your situation, the more I think you should RUN, not walk, away from this woman. If my guy did this to me, when he came home from Italy everything of his that was in the apartment would be in a storage locker. I know it's easy to say that, but I've just recently gone thru a cheating situation with my guy and although the particulars were different, it's the same in that he lied to me and cheated, so I can empathize with you. How can she think you could accept this guy remaining in her life? Would their e-mails continue to be secret? The "friend" needs someone to talk to? I'm sure he can find someone else, why does it have to be your girlfriend? He's lonely? She should tell him to get a dog. I know you've given her five years of your life, and it's hard to think that she would just toss you away for a summer fling, but that seems to be what she is doing. If you tell her she must lose the "friend" or you and she refuses to lose the friend, what does that tell you about where you stand with her?

I have dumped a guy and had no further contact with him. This was not a game for me, I was honestly finished with the relationship and didn't have anything I wanted to contact him about. (That relationship lasted 8 years, by the way, it wasn't a quickie.) As for her telling you she wants to be friends, people sometimes do this if they want to let you down easy. You're miserable and upset and she wants to avoid being cruel, so when you say "can't we be friends," she says, "sure I would love that." It's also possible that her definition of friends differs from yours. I know from your recent posts that you don't really want to hear this, and I don't want to sound harsh, but maybe she's not coming back. From other posts, it doesn't sound like the relationship ended all that abruptly. If I remember correctly, she left you once, got involved with another guy and then started seeing you again when he died. She said she would move back in, but two months later changed her mind and said she didn't want to. At some point you may just have to accept that she's gone and get on with your life, as hard as it is to do. If she decides in the future that she made a mistake and wants you back, at that point you can decide if you still want her. By then you may have found someone new. You sound like a caring and devoted guy, and there are plenty of women who want a man with those qualities. I know how much you are hurting over the breakup, John. 10 years is a long time to share your life with someone. It's very painful when you are still so much in love and want to get married and start a family but she doesn't want these things with you anymore. I really feel for you, and I hope you can start to feel better soon.

Has she said she wants you back? Or is she simply stating that it's hard to not talk to you or know what you're feeling and not to hang out with your friends? I think that's probably the case for most people who break up, whether they're the dumper or the dumpee. You have to deal with not talking to her every day and not knowing how she's feeling, and she has to do the same. It's part of what she bargained for when she decided to end the relationship. Losing some friends who are primarily your friends is also part of the bargain. (You, on the other hand, did not bargain for any of this, but you have to live with it anyway, so who is she to complain?) I read another post of yours and it sounds like you are handling the 10 days of NC pretty well, but she would like to bring a bit more drama into the mix. In fact the drama is probably a direct result of how calmly you have handled the NC. I guess she must have expected that if she ran you would run after her, and now she's feeling off-balance because that didn't happen! If you are feeling great and are making new friends, why would you even want her back? Were you feeling great when you two were together? Do you feel like she's the one for you and you will never find anyone as good as her? If, as you said in another post, you tried to save the relationship for two months before she left, and after that she said bye-bye and left anyway, she really has no cause to get upset now if you don't call her, or if it's not convenient for her to hang out with your friends because you are with them.

I'm not sure I understand exactly what happened. Did she tell you she wanted to take a break after she started seeing this guy? Is that what you mean when you say she lied to you for days? It's just hard for me to imagine anyone doing this, then finally admitting it but showing no remorse. She has been treating you terribly! How do things stand now? Is she still saying that she plans to go out with anyone she wants to, since she has another month before she comes home? Or is she now remorseful and promising to be faithful to you? I also wonder if you had any clue before she left that things weren't going well between you two. I don't know how she figures that this experience will make you stronger as a couple. I would think it's pretty obvious that it would do just the opposite. Why would she want to hurt you like this? Does she even realize how absolutely horrible it is for you to go thru this and how difficult it will be to trust her in the future? Well, regardless of all this, you seem to be saying that you're thinking you want to give the relationship another try. Since there's a month to go before she comes back, if I were you I wouldn't give her any answer right now. I'd give it some thought, and see how she treats you during the next few weeks. Since you're pretty torn between wanting her back and wanting to kick her to the curb, a bit of time might give you more perspective on this. You might even mention that you really don't know if you can get back together after what has happened and you've been debating whether it might be a good idea for you to see other people also. Then just sit back and (try to be) cool. Stay in touch with her. Be pleasant. Answer her e-mails, but you might wait a day or two to answer. Don't argue with her right now. When she wants to discuss getting back together, tell her you really can't make that decision until she comes back. Keep her on the edge of her seat, in other words, and if she's really remorseful and wanting to save this relationship, she's going to be so busy wondering and worrying about what you are doing that she will have less time and energy for checking out other guys. As for letting her move right back in when she comes home, I think that's a bad idea. Try to get her somewhere temporary to stay for a short time when she gets back. Where I live there are many weekly and monthly rentals available, in all price ranges. You might look into this near you.

I wouldn't go back with the ex-boyfriend just because the sex is good. If you want to get married and you know the ex does not, if you know in all likelihood he will hurt you again, why bother with him? As for the new guy, maybe you can work on improving sex with him, or maybe it's just not going to happen with him. But if you're going out with him but sneaking around and having sex with the ex, he's really not getting a fair shake, is he? Keep in mind that these two guys are not the only men in the world. There's a man out there who will be good to you and satisfy you in bed. I would move forward, work on getting the ex out of your mind if you know he can't give you what you want, and work toward finding what you do want.

Dear Hurt, I'm so glad to hear that everything has improved so much, and you're starting to put this behind you. I hope your husband never does anything like this to you again and that in time you are able to rebuild the trust you once had. Good luck! Cherry

Your friend should get away from this guy right now! Don't marry him! This guy is a wacko. Since I have one of these wackos in my own family and just found out about it a year ago, I've recently read a lot of stuff on whether child molesters can be "cured." Apparently it's not a condition that is usually cured, although sometimes these creeps can be taught to control their urges. So they'll still lust after little kids, but they'll be able to keep from acting on it. Parole conditions are usually pretty strict for child molesters. He probably isn't allowed to go to places where children congregate such as parks, public swimming pools, etc. He probably can't use the internet. (This is true in many of the states, I don't know where you are.) He probably must continue to participate in and complete a special therapy program for sexual offenders. And why all these restrictions? Because the people releasing them on parole realize that unless they are very strictly monitored they probably will do it again at some point! So we have registries that let us know if a child molester lives in the neighborhood, in order to keep track of these people (and keep them away from our children.) I don't think you are wrong at all to feel the way you do about him. I would never let this guy around any children. (That's the conclusion I've come to about the molester in my own family as well. Not gonna happen at my house. In the past this guy has often come here for holiday meals, but no more -- he's in prison now, but he'll get out eventually.) I hope you can convince your friend that she is making a BIG MISTAKE! She got engaged after knowing him for a very short time, and she finds out this and she's not gone already? What is she thinking?

I don't hate you for what you're doing, I'll leave that to your husband. But I think you're very confused and are about to make a decision that you might really regret later. You've been with your husband since you were 16 and things have gotten a bit stale. So you're thinking of leaving your husband for a guy you barely know? I wouldn't do that. I think you need to work on your marriage. To do that you need to cut off all contact with this guy. Maybe it makes you physically sick to be with your husband right now because you're feeling guilty for what you are doing. Or, hey, maybe you just don't love your husband anymore and never will feel that kind of love for him again. After so many years, I think you owe it to both of you to find out if your marriage is really dead, or just dormant. You say that for the last couple of years you've been getting unhappy about the marriage and life in general, but you've just put up with it. So don't put up with it anymore. Shake things up and make some decisions, but don't make those decisions based on what is happening with some guy you've had a crush on for a couple of weeks.

SteveNaive, I really feel for you. A four-month relationship and you're still grieving four months later. I can totally understand that. The length of the relationship doesn't necessarily determine the intensity of your feelings. You got hit hard this time. But this whole thing of why don't women like nice guys, I keep reading that in one thread after another. But maybe it's really that people don't always like nice people. Why do guys leave women who were good to them, loved them, didn't cheat on them, were "nice girls?" Happens all the time that a guy has a nice girl at home but cheats on her with a "bad girl." But then should we become bad guys and bad girls? Nah. Because girls don't all want bad guys, any more than all guys want bad girls. Maybe when we're young we are attracted to that flashy person, good looking, confident, good dresser, flirty. And then we get burned a few times and players lose their charm. Besides, if you're a nice guy you probably can't just decide to be a bad boy, you are who you are and some woman will come along who will adore you for who you are. As for being an a** next time you see her, I wouldn't be, but I would definitely be cool. If you even have to see her again. If she's telling you the truth and she really is marrying someone else and leaving the country, she'll be out of your life soon anyway. I wouldn't be available to her at all anymore. Don't take her phone calls, answer her e-mail, etc. I know you want revenge, but I don't know how you can really get it. Not right now, unless she does an about-face and comes crawling back to you. If she does, then you can kick her to the curb and you'll have your revenge. But I wouldn't do it for revenge, more for self-preservation because she just doesn't sound like a very stable person to invest a lot of time and emotion in. Consider that she dated you for four months. dumped you but couldn't actually make up her mind, came over in the middle of the night crying and saying she didn't know if she was doing the right thing, then only a few months later is getting married to someone else. That's a lot of bouncing around. Sounds like she doesn't know what she wants, and it wouldn't surprise me if she calls off the engagement. As for your statement that you've stopped believing in people, relationships and love, well, you've just been burned and you're not ready for another love relationship yet. But the pain is worth the hassel because it's what we have to do to find the right person. In time you'll get over this and you'll get back out there and meet someone new, really you will. Next time you'll have learned from this experience, and maybe that will help you in your next relationship and you won't get hurt like this again. Good luck, nice guy. I do believe that nice guys win in the end. You don't think these "players" are actually happy, do you? Well, only if they thrive on drama, because their lives are a mess!

Del, is there something going on with your partner that makes you more vulnerable now than you were last year? Do you have trouble talking with your partner? You said you like to talk to this woman and that's how the attraction apparently started. You are walking on dangerous ground, as you obviously already realize. You say you love your partner and it would take a lot for you to leave your family. What you are playing with here is LOSING your family. If this woman does not want to get involved with you because you are already in a relationship, I applaud her good sense. Don't encourage her. What do you have to offer her? Not much, unless you leave your partner. And even if you do, if you leave her for this woman there are bound to be repercussions in the new relationship. In fact, you need to stay away from her, no contact at all. You two cannot be friends, you are way too attracted to her. Try concentrating on the relationship you are in for the time being. If you can find ways to improve that relationship so it fulfills your emotional needs, you won't be so vulnerable to this sort of temptation. If that relationship is not working for you, then leave before you get involved with someone new.

"I suppose if I have to be on it for life, there's no real addiction problem." Well, not necessarily...you have to be able to control your intake of this medication. You're supposed to take 3-4 pills a day. So say you start taking 4 every day, then on one day you take 5, thinking it's OK, I'll just take 3 tomorrow. But you don't, you take 4 or 5 tomorrow, and so on. You start having a hard time staying within the limits of your prescription and the next thing you know you are making up excuses to your doctor to explain why you need more pills. Not saying this will happen to you, not at all. I'm just saying this is the pattern I've seen in working with many patients who are on long-term drug therapy with drugs that can be abused. I've also worked with patients who take these drugs just as they are prescribed for years and have no problem with them. The only reason I'm bringing this up is to say, be careful. Watch yourself with this stuff, and be honest with yourself. If you do stay on this medication, pay close attention to the number of pills you take. At the first sign that you are tempted to take more than you should, realize you are having a problem and take steps to deal with it.

The pregnancy test is looking for a hormone called HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin.) The hormone collects in your urine when you are pregnant, but very early in your pregnancy there won't be much of it there. So the morning urine is the most likely to show the presense of the hormone, since it is typically the most concentrated urine of the day. You could be pregnant and it might not show this early. Pregnancy tests normally would never show a false positive, though, and the drugstore tests are not all that expensive. So if it will make you feel better to see a negative test even though it doesn't conclusively mean you aren't pregnant, what's the harm in taking one? If this will not make you feel better, then why waste your money?

You say you will be seeing a new doctor in a week or two. You might see what happens with this doctor. Bring up your concerns to him, see if he can answer your questions and if he is open to trying another treatment (or if he is at least willing to discuss why he thinks the other treatment is not appropriate for you.) Seeing a top specialist CAN be very frustrating, because they tend to be so busy they don't give patients enough time to ask questions. I worked with one of the country's top spine specialists for several years, and although he was a terrific surgeon his patients frequently complained they didn't get enough time to talk with him, only his assistants. I've seen this with many other specialists as well. It could be that you are on the best treatment for you, but you should feel comfortable with this treatment. Do you have a history of substance abuse? Does your family have a history of alcohol or other substance abuse? Did your doctor ask you these questions before prescribing Ritalin? If you have no history of substance abuse, you're not all that likely to become addicted to Ritalin, but it isn't a guarantee. You're addicted if you're using the medication in increasing amounts for purposes other than what it was prescribed for. For instance, if the medication keeps you from falling asleep at inappropriate times at a relatively small dosage, but you find yourself taking larger doses because you like the kick you get from the stimulant, be very careful because that's starting to sound like addiction. Good luck to you. I hope the new doctor is more helpful in providing you with the information you need.

Pardon me, in rereading your original post I see that you do say he is a sleep doctor, so presumably a specialist. So if that's the case and you have been worked up and diagnosed with this condition, then read all you can find on Ritalin on the web and then talk with your doctor. He should be able to answer your questions. If not and you feel uncomfortable with the treatment, then a second opinion is certainly an option.

Just to clarify, you say you always feel like taking a nap or falling asleep when you shouldn't. Doyou have these episodes even though you get enough sleep at appropriate times? That's what happens with narcolepsy, which is a neurological disorder in which REM (dreaming) sleep intrudes into a person's awake cycle. Doctors do prescribe various central nervous system stimulants like Ritalin for narcolepsy. It can be very dangerous to just nod off like this, like if you're driving, or engaged in any number of other activities, and so prescribing stimulants is often considered necessary and worth the risk. What's the risk? Well, these drugs can be highly addictive, for one thing, so most doctors are very reluctant to prescribe them unless they are sure they are necessary. Is your doctor a specialist? Has he or she questioned you carefully about the sleep problem you are having? If the doctor thinks you have a form of narcolepsy, have any tests been run to confirm this? Your doctor should be able to answer your questions regarding your treatment, including why you are taking Ritalin, how long he forsees you taking this medication, whether he thinks there might be dangerous side effects, if you should expect that the dosage you need to take will increase with time, etc. The web is also a great source for information on the drug itself, but can't substitute for your doctor's input.

Cheating is doing anything with another person that you feel you must hide from your partner. If you have lunch with someone you are attracted to and you don't tell your partner, you are already on the slippery slope to cheating. If you think this is not the case, think about why you are not telling your partner. What are you doing that is so worthwhile that it is worth lying to this person you care so much about? If it were really "just lunch," you wouldn't have a problem telling your partner, would you? Usually people keep these secrets because they want to have that little tantalizing experience on the side, and then lunch becomes a kiss, etc. You don't tell after the first lunch because you are hoping for a second lunch and don't want your partner to get wind of the budding relationship. As far as kissing goes, oh yes, that's definitely cheating in my book! Unless, of course, this is something you don't feel the need to hide from your partner and which your partner doesn't consider cheating. (Yeah, right!)