CherryGrl

Gee I'm rather torn on this one. On the one hand, it was just one time, you're remorseful and you have no intention of ever doing anything like this again. So in that case, would I want to know if I were your girlfriend? I'm not so sure I would. But I have another thought. Is your girlfriend going to find out from someone else? Is the OW someone your girlfriend knows? Do they have mutual acquaintances? How discreet is the OW? Have you told anyone else? Did you use protection? Might you be exposing your girlfriend to an STD? If she might find out anyway, then I think you would better off to tell her, explain the circumstances and reap what you've sown. Sounds like you've learned a valuable lesson about cheating.

Hi Doc, I'm sending you a PM. Cherry

Oh, this is a terrible situation and I really feel for you. Since it was the same woman from five years ago, and she told you the relationship had not stopped from five years before, I can imagine how you are having trouble trusting your husband even a year after the affair has supposedly ended. How can you really believe it is over now? Do you have any reason to believe the affair is ongoing? Or is it just that you are convinced it will start again, even if nothing has happened between them for a year? It could be that he finally got her out of his system when he stayed with her last year, and she no longer looks so good to him. Maybe he really isn't seeing her anymore. Is he seeing anyone else? Do you even WANT this guy anymore? It would take me a long time to get over a breach of trust that big, if I ever could. You are right that you will have to get past this to make your marriage work. But he's going to have to work pretty hard to get your trust back. You don't say how he treats you now. Has he worked hard to make the marriage work? Moving on won't be easy with so many years together and a child. But if you can't forgive him or trust him again, it may be the easier route for you than staying and being miserable in the relationship. Only you can make that decision.

Well, I don't know of any statistics on this. My boyfriend cheated a couple of months ago, and when I told him if he wanted to be with her he should get out, he did. He was gone a few nights and then begged to come back, and I let him. As far as I know he has not seen the OW since he told me it was over. But then, you can read lots of stories here about cheaters who didn't come back, or who did but went to great lengths to pretend the cheating relationship was over when it wasn't. So, the cheater may come back, or they may not. And the cheatee may want then back, or they may not.

Perhaps you could give a bit more info on the particulars....

I consider finding this forum to be the only good thing that happened because of my boyfriend's affair. I don't think the forum is making me continue to dwell on what happened. This place is a positive influence in my life and I intend to keep coming here, to get and give support. People discuss all kinds of situations, and many people keep coming here for a long time, so you can get a real education here with regard to human interactions and consequences. Stuey Looey, you don't have to keep posting about the girlfriend you are now having no contact with. If nothing is going on with that, don't talk about it. Read the posts, help someone else when you can, and when something comes up that you want to vent about or get advice on, then post about that. Eventually something is bound to come up, and it might not have anything to do with your XGF.

After reading your most recent post, I searched for other posts by you and saw the one from May under the suicide thread. I hadn't realized yesterday that you were QUITE so serious when you said you feel like ending it all. I can understand why you are having problems getting a handle on your career and personal life when you are so down. Have you tried antidepressants? Are you getting counseling? What are you doing about this apparently very serious depression you are experiencing? Yes, it is very hard being a doctor these days. I've met many young doctors who have been discouraged to realize how far in debt they are when they get out of school and how difficult practicing medicine has become. Being a doctor is really a heroic thing to do. As a nurse, I cannot emphasize enough how much I admire doctors. Most of the really good doctors I've worked with give their lives to their jobs, work long hours, care deeply about their patients -- and it can take quite a toll. I don't think you are particularly old to still be single. And I have little doubt that you would find opportunities to change your single status, if only you were not so depressed. You're talking about ending your life, man! I'm very worried about you and pray you are getting help. If you are not, please take steps to do so today!

Well, I would only stop having sex with the guy if that is what you really want to do, and you would probably have to just be upfront with him that you don't feel you want to share that kind of intimacy with him right now. He's certainly going to want to know why, though. Short of telling him what is going on, I don't know what reason you would give him for not having sex anymore. You guys are two adults, you knew each other two months before having sex, and that doesn't seem like just hopping into bed to me. At that point you were happy to have sex with him, and to stop now, I think he would deserve some kind of real explanation. I think I would give the relationship a bit more time to see what happens. It doesn't seem to me that six months is so long, and just because he has not declared his love for you yet does not mean he is not developing those feelings for you. How does he treat you? Does he seem to take you for granted? If you think he treats you good and you are happy in the relationship (except you wish it were progressing more rapidly), you might want to just back off a bit and give him some space and time. I'm not convinced that backing off a bit should include not having sex with him though, unless that's what YOU really want.

Dear Doc, While it may surprise some readers to hear of a doctor with career worries, having been a nurse in a hospital for more than a decade I can certainly understand. I've known many doctors in all specialities, and I know how tough it can be to get a practice going. Sometimes the money is not all that great in the early years, and that can be compounded by the fact that so many people, as soon as they hear you're a doctor, think you must be rich! Still, if you are a great doctor and want to be a doctor, there are many opportunities for you. If your clinic is having trouble and it is affecting your income, you might get a whole new job, or you might find something part-time to supplement your current income. I'm concerned about your statements regarding depression, though. You said you are so depressed, and that you think of "ending it all" sometimes. If a patient said this to you, what would your advice be? That sounds like serious depression, Doc, and you really need to consider getting some help if you haven't already done so.

Hi John, I can see why you might feel bad about lying and maybe that was not the best thing to do, but I sure do understand the feeling of wanting to level the playing field a bit! Now that you've told her this story, you might just want to give things a bit of time and see how it affects her. Could be that if she still has feelings for you, she will be bothered by the idea that you might be seeing someone else and it WILL make her think about the nice guy she is letting get away. If this woman did not want to keep in touch, seems to me she would have changed the address on all her mail already. I know if I did not want to see a guy anymore, that is one of the first things I would have done. I would not continue to come by his house to pick up my mail. You pretty much know you are going to see her again, since she'll be by to get her mail again, right? So maybe between now and then it would be a good idea to not contact her, remain cool, and see how she acts toward you the next time she comes by.

Dear Dazed, Well, you may feel stupid, but after this experience you'll probably be a lot smarter in the future, huh? Yeah, I would say that if this guy ever told you he was going to leave his wife for you, he was either outright lying to you or at the least he was just trying on the idea by voicing it out loud but never had any real intentions of leaving her. Geez, if you haven't already then you need to cut off all contact with him! Think about what you've done in this situation. You don't say, but I imagine you are single. You have pursued a MARRIED MAN even to the extent of traveling to see him. From your story it sounds like you pursued him harder than he pursued you (tho this may not be the case.) At any rate, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? This can only hurt you. Obviously, it already has. Don't ever get involved with a guy who is married or living with another woman again. Don't waste your time! There are single guys out there, you just need to focus on finding one. Now that you've seen his reaction to your confessing your feelings, you must realize that he probably did tell his wife you meant nothing to him. (Maybe you didn't mean nothing, but you certainly didn't mean enough for him to leave his wife and child.) She is probably telling the truth -- as she sees it anyway. Consider -- you KNOW he is a liar because of the huge lies he was telling his wife, so whose version of the story should you believe, his or hers?

You had an affair for 20 years and your husband never found out? But his family knows all about you? Was he married also? Hard to know what to say to you. I really can't condone your affair, as I have just been hurt very badly by my boyfriend having an affair and I really don't understand why people get involved with folks who are already in another relationship. Having said that, though, I can imagine that you must be hurting very badly and feel pretty lost right now. I can't imagine how you have managed to live with such a big secret for so long. Have you thought about confessing to your husband? Or maybe speaking with a counselor about what you are going through? Also, there is a forum called The Other Woman, and you might find women who have been in a similar situation there.

H&A, I was hoping you would get some answers from women who've gone after guys who are married or living with someone, since I'm interested in your question also. In my case, my boyfriend apparently told the other woman that he was in a long-term live-in relationship after they had known each other for several days and right after they had sex for the first time. She apparently asked him why he was with her, then, but had no interest in ending the relationship. I know she continued to pursue him from her e-mail. I think if I were in bed with a guy and found out I had been deceived like this, I would be very angry and the guy would be out of my apartment and out of my life right then. But apparently there are many people who don't feel that way. This woman continued to pursue him even after he told her it had just been a brief fling and it was over. When he reminded her that he had told her he wasn't available, she said she didn't think he was serious, she thought he would leave me for her. She cried and begged and wanted to know how he could live without her (this after they had known each other only three weeks.) She even chased him out of the building on the last day he worked where she is employed, wanting to know if she would ever see him again and if they could just be "friends." My boyfriend had to scream at her to go get herself a boyfriend who was available before she would let him leave. Now, believe me, I don't blame her for what happened. It was my boyfriend's responsibility to be faithful to me, not her responsiblity to keep him faithful. But I still don't understand this hot pursuit of a guy who is in a relationship. There doesn't seem to be any great lack of available men out there. So what WOULD make a single woman continue to want to see a guy who is otherwise involved?

Punk, please do not do this to yourself anymore. It is good that you realize you need to stop this behavior, and you may need some professional help to do so. Cutting is usually a way to escape unbearable pain and anxiety. You said you started cutting when you were hurting so badly over the death of a close friend. You resorted to physical pain to relieve the emotional pain you were feeling. Is this the reason who are still doing this five months later, or are there other issues as well? People who cut themselves are almost always dealing with some very serious emotional pain, and frequently this pain has been caused by some sort of abuse, either physical or sexual. I do think that making a pact with your friend to both stop cutting yourselves is a good idea, but the cutting itself is not the real problem, rather it is a symptom of other problems. You need to find a way to get to the bottom of what is hurting you so badly.

I hope you are not serious, but in the event you are this is a big warning sign that you need to get some help now. I'm a registered nurse who has worked with teens who cut themselves -- and those who do are almost always teenage girls who have issues of pain, anxiety and fear. Some who do this say it is a way to have control over the pain that is inflicted on them, rather than allowing others to cause them pain. You must be feeling very bad to be drawn to self-mutilation. This is not something that people typlcally do just because they are bored. You haven't said anything about what is happening in your life right now or why you are thinking about hurting yourself, but I hope you will give some serious thought to this and get some help to deal with whatever is hurting you so badly.

I do think that sex is a big responsibility at 14 with the possibility of pregnancy and STDs. It would probably have been better to wait, but now that you've done it I guess you and your boyfriend just have to be honest with yourselves as to whether you're going to stop. Don't kid yourself and then find that you've gone further than you planned without adequate protection. When I was younger I went to a Planned Parenthood clinic to get birth control pills, and I knew quite a few other young women who did that as well, rather than go to the family doctor and worry that mom would find out. If you're so concerned about telling your regular doctor that you find yourself going without reliable birth control even while continuing to have sex, you might consider this option.

Oh yeah, I agree this sounds a bit too weird, especially since it's the only way the guy wants to have sex. It may be the only way he can get turned on, and if pretending his partner is sleeping stops turning him on, might he not start wanting women who are really unaware, like drugged or dead? If she were my sister I'd advise her to get away from this guy right now.

Wow, I am surprised to read all of these strong opinions against going to strip clubs. I just posted something in another thread about this same thing. I've been to strip clubs with my current boyfriend, as well as with a former husband, and I can attest that although there might have been one or two drunken guys making a big deal of the dancers, most of the guys didn't seem to be paying that much attention. It's usually just the entertainment in the background. I've never thought that my boyfriend wanted to have sex with the stripper rather than me. I've also been to clubs with male strippers a few times, and this is just about the same experience for the ladies as it is for the guys, it's female bonding and nothing more than a good time. I've never been to clubs where the male dancers put their hands all over the customers. I've never had a dancer touch me at all, and the only time I've touched a dancer was to tuck money into his g-string, which is definitely just a giggly girl bonding experience and has nothing to do with wanting to have sex with the guy. As I said in my other post, if my boyfriend went to strip clubs all the time I would not like it, but if he doesn't. I know there are guys who are really into strip clubs and lap dances, participate in this sort of activity frequently and spend a lot of money in strip clubs. I wouldn't want to be involved with a guy who had that particular obsession. But for the majority of guys in strip clubs, I just don't think that's the case. I don't care for the idea of lap dances. I would prefer that my boyfriend not have physical contact with the dancers. That said, with guys going in a group and they egg each other on to participate in this activity, the guys I've seen in this situation usually laughed self-consciously and blushed a lot. It wasn't some big sex scene.

I've been to more than one party where there were strippers (usually female, once they were male) and it was always just good fun. A friend of mine hired three strippers for her husband's birthday party one year, and we were all entertained. I don't see anything wrong with it. Strip clubs, do I want my boyfriend to go to them? I don't know, it doesn't particularly freak me out. We've gone to strip clubs together on occasion. If my boyfriend went to strip clubs all the time I probably wouldn't like it, but he doesn't. If it's an occasional thing with colleagues or friends and he's only looking, where's the harm?

Well, I don't feel the least bit uncomfortable about having sex during my period. I do it every month. My boyfriend and I have had every kind of sex during my period and it's never been a problem. Skout, if you are comfortable with oral sex during her period, good for you, you're not alone. As for the taste, it's just blood. I assume your girlfriend would have just washed up, so it's new blood. My boyfriend says it has a coppery taste and isn't turned off by it at all. If she has a heavy flow at the time she might want to insert a tampon, I've done that. While having intercourse the towel is certainly a good idea! A wet washcloth by the bed is handy. If your girlfriend seems uncomfortable with this idea at first, it's probably because she's afraid you will be grossed out and she's embarrassed. You just need to show her that you are not grossed out, that you care for her and everything about her and wouldn't let a little thing like a bit of menstrual blood prevent you from making love to her. Actually, some guys think sex during menstruation is rather hot. My boyfriend once intentionally got blood on his hand when my flow was heavy, and made slashes accross his chest that resembled a primitive tattoo. That was a turn-on.

Dear Under-The-Pressure, The first thought I had when I read your post was to wonder if you might be pregnant, since that was the first clue I had that I was pregnant when I was just a little older than you. But you say you don't think that could be the case because you have been taking precautions, so perhaps it is just growing pains. It's difficult to have large breasts when you are young, but as you get older you might start to feel differently about your figure. I have large breasts also and it's true that men do stare, but I have not found it difficult as a grown woman to know if a man likes me or just my breasts. I like the way my body looks and like having large breasts, but they are still just a small part of me and I think the guy I live with would agree -- he's not with me because of boobs. Sounds like you and your boyfriend are rather nervous about the condoms if you are filling them with water afterward to see if they might have leaked. You might want to consider using some spermicidal foam or jelly along with the condoms. That way you won't have to worry so much about a condom leaking or coming off.

I wish I could bring unbiased eyes to your situation, but I'm wondering if any of us can do that. My interpretation of your situation and what you might do to improve it surely must be biased by everything that has ever happened to me. But anyway, for whatever by biased ramblings are worth, just a couple comments. I was really struck by this statement: "My choices in this matter as I see them are to stay, which is unhealthy or leave, which is a life alone." And yet in your first post you said you feel alone now, are slowly dying inside and are a shell of your former self. I can relate to your statement that if you leave you will be alone, because I have felt this same thing at some point when contemplating leaving a relationship. I think a lot of people stay in relationships because they are afraid they will be alone, and it's true that you probably would be "alone" for awhile. That's probably healthy, to have some time alone after ending a long-term relationship, even if it is hard to be alone. Eventually you probably would get into another relationship, since you sound like a sensitive, intelligent, reasoning man who loves his children and honors his obligations. In my book you sound like a catch, even if you do have some people in your life who might be a pain in the neck. Don't we all. Your perspective on your prospects for a relationship in the future might change if you were not living in a situation in which you feel like you are dying inside. And of course you would not be completely alone since you would still have your children. You have one son who lives with you now, and a 12-year-old whom you say just tries to stay out of the way during his intermittent visits. Do you think a change in your living situation might benefit your relationship with your sons, in particular your younger son? I admire your dedication to your children, and especially your little daughter. As she gets older, though, you might want to contemplate whether you could be a more effective parent if you lived in a situation that is healthier for you. What do you have to offer your children if you feel more and more like a "shell?" If you feel that your authority as a parent is constantly undermined? Have you considered seeking custody of your daughter, should it become necessary for you to leave your wife? There are some good fathers' rights attorneys out there, and if you ever do contemplate leaving I advise you to be sure you get one. This made all the difference for someone very close to me. Well, that's all that comes to mind at the moment. Good luck in figuring out what to do. I'll be watching your posts and wishing you the best.

AzurePhoenix, wow, your situation is a tough one! I admire your determination to take care of your obligations, since so many people seem to just walk out on obligations these days. However, this situation sounds like it is making you miserable. Perhaps there is a way you can fulfill your obligations and still retain (or regain) your sense of self. Have you told your wife how intolerable this situation is for you? Perhaps you could let her know that you feel as if you cannot go and cannot stay and that you are tortured by these feelings. The issue of her illness is a very loaded one. I have had some experience in this area, since I was once married to a man whose former wife developed cancer at a time when he was thinking about divorce. She really dragged him thru the wringer and made him feel that he would be the worst kind of SOB if he left her with her being so sick. She even accused him of giving her cancer. Ultimately, once she got thru the chemo and things were as back to normal as they were going to get, he did leave and it turned out to be a good thing for him. But he told me all about the guilt he experienced for leaving her, even though he did continue to care for her financially, so I really feel for you. I don't know what you consider to be your obligations, whether this is just financial support or if your obligations include staying with her no matter what. It's all very complicated and there are children involved, so I know it is not an easy decision to leave. It may even be very difficult financially to leave. I think counseling is a good idea for your situation. Perhaps you can get a chance, with a counselor present, to voice some of the issues that are making you so unhappy. Perhaps you can let your wife know that you want to and plan to fulfill your obligations to her, but if things don't change you will not be able to live in the same house with her and may not be able to stay married to her. I believe that all relationships have problems and it's usually best to give the relationship you are in every chance of making it before moving on to yet another relationship (and another set of problems.) But having said that, there is a limit to what we can endure and it sounds like you are reaching your limit.

Yes, I've thought about that. What if I were to get a GPS installed on the car, and then I watched as he drove somewhere he shouldn't be while fully knowing that I knew? Then I guess I would have to face the fact that he doesn't want to stop using that drug as much as he says he does...

Yes, I've certainly been trying to think of ways to find out the truth without asking. Trouble is, this ain't easy. Thinking I should monitor the mileage on his car, which I haven't been doing. But as far as the actual "truth" of what he is doing, guess I'd have to follow him. Don't know if you have read all the posts in this thread, but I'm dealing not only with the infidelity, but the fact that he has been using cocaine. So, if indeed he was somewhere other than work, was he with another woman or his drug dealer? He swears he has had no contact with OW, and I tend to believe him. (This may come back to bite me in the butt -- watch this space!) He also swears he is not using and is not thinking of using cocaine, but this is a little more difficult to believe. At the moment, it's hard to imagine what money he would be using to buy any, since he has acknowledged that he can't have money right now and as far as I know has no access to money except me. He's been giving me his checks and I've been paying all the bills out of my account. He has no credit cards anymore, so no cash advances. BUT, he may have a source of cash that I'm not aware of. Also, he has slipped many times. He won't use cocaine for weeks, but then he's gone for several hours and when he comes back he admits that he used -- and it's easy to see that he did. (The last time was June 15.) So, yeah, I'd like to know the truth. He's agreed (offered, actually) to let me see his e-mail (big deal, how would I know how many e-mail accounts he has?) and his cell phone records (big deal, there are other phones.) Thought about getting a GPS tracker for the car, something I read about online. However, geez, I hate to go this far with spying and don't really want to try putting one on the car secretly. I've thought about telling him I want one on the car so that he will know there is no possible way he will get away with being anywhere other than where he says he is. I know, this sounds drastic and intrusive to me, too. However, we have both struggled with the cocaine issue. He has said dozens of times that he does not WANT to use it anymore. I don't know for sure how I would react if he asked me to have a tracker on my car, but I think if I were in his position and truly wanted to stay off drugs and save my relationship I would be willing to do that. Actually, now that I think about it, I would not have a problem putting one on my car anyway. Where do I ever go that is a secret? Nowhere! I'm new to this tracking down the truth stuff. Seems there are many ways to gather evidence, but they only lead to pieces of the truth. Getting the whole truth and nothing but the truth, that's a whole other thing!