CherryGrl

OK, this is what happened. On Monday my boyfriend, who is now working only a mile from home and comes home for lunch, did not call around 11:30 like he has been doing. A little after noon I sent him an e-mail telling him what I had made for lunch. When I didn't hear anything by 1240 I called his cell phone. It rang 6 times but then went to voice mail. So I knew the phone was on, if it's off it goes to voice mail right away. (He can't really turn the phone off right now, either, because the job requires him to have a cell phone.) I called again at 1pm, at 130 and at 2. A little after 2pm he called and said he had been in a meeting and had left his phone on his desk. It was a long meeting and had started a little before noon. He said he was coming home then. A while later he called me and said he was just leaving the garage. Still he didn't show up in the time frame he should have, but a little before 3pm he finally showed up. Swore he was in a meeting. So today I checked the charges on a gas credit card and found a charge for gas at 142pm on Monday. The gas station is close to where he works, so it's not like he was in a whole other part of town. I've given a lot of thought to whether I could be wrong on the times I called, but no, I left him a voice mail at 130pm and I know I called again about 30 minutes after that. I've thought about whether the time of the gas purchase could be off, but no, I don't think so since those things are computerized. If the time happened to be off by one hour he could be telling the truth since he could have stopped for gas on the way home and that might explain why it took him so long to drive about a mile. But really, what are the chances that the time was wrong? Anyway, I'm wondering if I should confront him with this information today, or if I should keep quiet and continue to watch him. I'm thinking that if he is lying, and it seems he is, if I confront him now he will become wise to one way I can track his movements that he is not currently aware of. He may find some way to wiggle out of this incident, and then will be sure he does not leave that kind of evidence around again. If I just sit on this, I can continue to monitor his gas purchases, which would have gotten him into a lot of hot water before if I had been looking for such things. When I looked at the bill yesterday I realized he had purchased gas more than once when he told me he was at work. So, what do you think? Confront now, or wait to see if he digs himself into an even deeper hole that he can't 'splain his way out of?

Hi Brandell. Oh yeah, I know just what you are talking about. I've felt exactly like that in past relationships -- broke up with someone for a perfectly good reason, was better off without them even, but had moments of weakness where I wanted to be with them again so bad that I temporarily deluded myself into thinking that things would be different now if we were to get back together. So I called. And ultimately the result of making those calls was never good. Those bouts of temporary insanity are to be expected, I think, when you are recovering from a relationship breaking up, but I agree with Lisaria, DON'T ACT ON THESE IMPULSES. You haven't been out of this relationship for very long, actually. Only 12 weeks, 10 weeks with no contact. You just haven't had enough time to get over her, and the loss hits you harder on some days than others. I've had an experience where one of these very needy bouts, which I got thru without making a call, was actually followed by a lot of healing. I felt much better a week later and actually stopped thinking about this guy on a daily basis. So I really encourage you to stick with your plan and stay away from her.

I have to comment that I find it disgusting when a spouse or lover gets mad at their partner for looking into their e-mail when some suspicious item is found, and shifts the emphasis from the suspicious item to their indignation over being "spyed on." My live-in lover takes care of both computers in our household and has always had access to my e-mail if he wants to look. There's nothing in there that I'm hiding from him, so this doesn't bother me. So why do people get so indignant about so-called invasions of privacy like looking at e-mail or looking at the calls dialed on a cell phone? "Don't you trust me?" Well, if the person doesn't trust you and looking at the calls on your cell phone reassures them, why would you care that they looked, unless you had something to hide? Should spouses really be expected to trust that much, that they feel guilty if they check up on something that sounds suspicious? I don't think it matters why you looked in the e-mail, Anastasia. I think what you found is very suspicious. Why would he tell you he is going somewhere with a person from a new job, and then buy a ticket for himself and someone at the current job? You had every right to a good explanation before he left town on this weekend business trip, but it sounds like he didn't explain anything and instead shifted the emphasis from his suspicious behavior to your spying. If I were you I would be meeting that plane tonight, although I might not let him see me right away. I'd want to see who he got off the plane with and what his behavior was toward that person.

Thanks for the advice, Beec. This is a terribly tough spot to be in. I notice you mention "two years" in your response, and that is a time frame I keep running into. I've read in several places that it takes about TWO YEARS to recover from a lover's unfaithfulness. Oh, God, that seems like such a long time right now, when I'm just trying to get thru this day to day. I'm glad this place is here, as there is really no friend or family member I want to talk to about this situation, and this is so helpful. Thanks to everyone who has responded. As for withdrawing and keeping tabs on him, by withdraw do you mean give him space - as in room to hang himself? I am certainly keeping tabs on him, but I don't like to feel that I have to watch who he calls on his cell, his e-mail, mileage on his car, etc. Then again, I keep reading things from people who said their lover/husband promised the affair was over but never really ended it, so I am very suspicious.

Hurt and Abandoned, I read your thread regarding your husband cheating on you and I'm so sorry. I know what you mean about the person who cheats being able to seemingly get over it so much easier than the person who was cheated on. Of course, he doesn't have images of his lover with someone else, he knows all of what happened, etc. No, of course he doesn't know what else to say, he's said he was sorry and so on and so forth. Oh, that SORRY could make it all better. I know he can't take it back, I know I have to learn to accept and forgive or get out, but this is so much easier said than done. Like you, I feel myself ambushed by panic attacks seemingly out of the blue. I'm not thinking about it, and then there it is. And I'm hurt and angry all over again. Looking at the date of your first post, this happened to you only a few days before it happened to me, so it's not like you're so much further down the road from the experience than I am. But have you noticed these panic attacks are fewer and farther apart yet?

Michael, just saw your post in which you suggest that I must leave him for awhile. Just move out, huh? Not so easy to do. We have a house together and a life together. Our finances and every other aspect of our lives is entwined. To leave is a BIG decision. Why do you feel that the problem cannot be solved without leaving?

Very good advice, Hoping&praying. Oh, that his problem were with marijuana, but it's not, it's cocaine. We have talked about getting him into a substance abuse program, but this would have to be done rather quietly since he would lose not only his job but also his ability to work in his field if this were to become known, so it's a touchy matter. I do believe that he wants very badly to quit using this drug. I'm willing to work with him on this problem, whatever it takes. But I just can't go thru all of the heartache this problem entails for a guy who's going to cheat on me. Beec, I know what you're saying, that I will have to forgive him and trust him eventually or I'll have to leave. But any tips for getting over this gut-wrenching, heart-stabbing pain? Or do I just have to wait until it goes away on its own?

Hoping&praying, thanks for your reply. (By the way, I don't think you should be labeled a cheater forever over one mistake. And believe me, if what my guy did were just one mistake in the heat of the moment, although I would be very hurt I would not be nearly so upset, but as you point out, it's a bit more sinister than that.) I have definitely insisted on talking about what happened with him. My guy is a mid-30s professional man with a substance abuse problem. He is the LAST GUY you would think, if you met him, would have this problem, but there it is. So occasionally over the past year he has snuck off and used drugs, risking his freedom, life and livelihood. I've stuck with him thru this as I believe he can get past this, but it has been very difficult. If we hadn't had such a wonderful relationship in every other way, there are times I'm sure I would have left. He says that he started seeing someone else because my feelings toward him had changed due to this and he wanted to be with someone who didn't know this about him and would see him in a different light. He swears he is done with the drug abuse and the other woman, and just wants to show me that I can trust him. He says he thought I was going to leave him, and I have actually told him that the drug abuse has to stop or I won'tt be able to stay. So has it stopped? For now it has, as far as I can tell and I've been watching him very closely -- don't know when he could possibly have found time recently to either screw around or use drugs. BUT I can't and don't want to watch him forever. Badkitty, I appreciate your comments. Understand, tho, that I love this guy very deeply and I've spent 8 years living with him. I've been in relationships before, been married before, and I know that eventually all relationships seem to have some problem or another. I've felt that I really want to give this guy a chance.

I'm new to the forum and have been reading many of the posts in the infidelity thread. I've been reading these because my live-in lover of 8 years recently had a brief affair with a coworker. Until this happened, I never for a minute thought he would be unfaithful. He was working a temporary job where he met a woman and a week later had sex with her after work. He continued to see her for the next two weeks, during which he took her out for dinner a few times, visited her apartment several times and called her on his cell phone nearly every morning as soon as he left the house. I began to become suspicious of his behavior so I confronted him and he confessed that he had been seeing someone from work. I was shocked and hurt, and told him if he wanted to be with her so much he should leave and be with her. I then went out of town for three days so I wouldn't be sitting around miserable, thinking of him with his new babe. When I came home there were several messages from him, and the phone rang soon after. He told me how unhappy he was and said he wanted to come home. Apparently, the excitement of the affair while it was secret didn't carry over when he was free to spend all the time he wanted with her, and after three nights at her place it was over. (Yes, she gave him a key and asked him to move in with her immediately, although they had known each other only about three weeks at the time.) He was going to be finished with the job where she worked the next week, and said he didn't want to and never would see her again. I told him to come home. That was a little more than a month ago, and as far as I know he has had no contact with this woman since leaving his temporary job. He tells me that the last conversation he had with her occurred when he was leaving work on the last day he was there and she followed him out of the building. He says she wanted to know if they could be "friends" and he told her no, they could not. Since that time he has been very attentive and loving to me. We have taken a vacation and had a marvelous and romantic time. Nevertheless, this experience continues to haunt me. I'm having a hard time understanding how he got so involved with this woman so quickly (calling her as soon as he left the house nearly every morning, for instance, apparently having lunch with her at work every day, and arranging to get over to her place several times for sex) and then could get completely uninvolved just as quickly. He tells me he made a big mistake and is very sorry he didn't confront the issues he had with me rather than trying to escape from his problems by seeing someone else. He says I'm the love of his life and he can't live without me. He says he will never cheat on me again. But I'm having a lot of problems with trust right now, and I'm hoping to hear from anyone who might have been thru this and managed to regain trust. He has given me access to his e-mail and cell phone records, just as he has access to all my records. Actually, I always had access to his e-mail and cell phone, but I trusted him and never checked who he was e-mailing or calling. If I had I would have found e-mail from this woman only two days after the affair started which would have left NO DOUBT what was going on as she was very explicit. I later saw this e-mail – and I'm sorry I did.) So, THE QUESTION IS, have you been able to get past something like this and regain trust in your partner? If so, how did you do that? How long did it take? Did thoughts of the affair come back into your head frequently and make your stomach turn and your heart ache (like real physical pain in your chest)? When this happened, did you get angry at your partner all over again for doing this to you? How did he/she react to that? (I've been having attacks like this at least daily, and I need for this to go away.) I really do want to give this relationship another try, since we have always had a great relationship until now, great sex, like the same things, very compatible – which is one of the reasons the affair stunned me so. We had had some problems lately, which he admits were totally of his making (yes, they were!), but the infidelity seemed pretty out of character. Maybe I'm just naïve. Is it reasonable to believe this was a one-time mistake and he won't repeat it?