sweetharmony

first off, ask the girl out. that's not losing your dignity. what would be foolish is to not ask her out and always wonder. the only way you'd lose your dignity would be to ask her out, she turns you down, and then you keep persisting. But asking her out once. Hey take the risk- that shows confidence. the dating game is scary from both sides. If you don't take the chance, you'll never know. If she turns you down, what did you lose, nothing. in fact, i'm sure she'd respect you for it, even if she doesn't like you. I have never thought anything bad of a guy who asked me out- they only get pathetic when they persist. Go for it! to answer your questions, though. a girl will sometimes flirt, not always. The way she looks at you- makes extended eye contact, plays with her hair, etc... but some girls are shy and won't do these things for fear of being noticed. we're scared of getting rejected too.

I would definitely see a doctor. Like asdf said, it could be low testosterone. I would get a physical form a doctor first. Check out your levels, check out all the physical aspects first, could have another medical problem causing this. Do you take anti-depressants or any SSRI medications, that could affect sexual desire. share your problem with your doctor, they know a lot more about the human body than you or I and they've probably experiecned people like you many times before. Don't be ashamed. If everything checks out okay, it is probably psychological and stems from something deeper or it could be that you are just asexual and perhaps it's genetic. If you think you might be Asexual, (that doesn't mean you don't enjoy the company of a woman) or enjoy kissing, etc...or intimate conversations, love. it just means that you have an aversion to sex, the act of, talking about, seeing, erc... and it's okay. There are many people out there. I did a search online and found this website called AVEN. Their web site is link removed. Maybe they can answer a few questions. I was curious about the topic so I browsed through a little. Some of the people share similar views as to what you say. Some still engage in intimacy with their partners, but only to please the other person. They have no sexual desire and some masturbate and experience orgasm, but it's not a a big deal to them- not so much enjoyable, but they can still orgasm. Many of the people have different levels of asexuality- not everyone's the same, so maybe someone on their message board could help you. Some of the people on their claim that asexuality is something your born with. Check out the site, b/c they will be able to relate more than I or some people on this site. Although, asexuality is sort of accepting this fact, which it sounds like something you don't want to do. You don't want to label yourself if really want to change. I wish you luck. See your doctor first, then psychollogist. Perhaps viagra or some other medication would do the trick. There are just too many options that I cannot diagnose. That's better left to an MD.

sorry, just a few questions, because there could be number of reasons. the questions may seem odd, but it will help determine whether you're just asexual or afraid of sexual intimacy. you don't need to answer these on the board, just think about them. do you get turned on by anything and do you ever masturbate or have you ever had an orgasm by yourself? if so, did you enjoy that? if yes, you may be afraid of being intimate w/ another. Did your catholic school teach you that sex is bad or disgusting? did your parents ever talk about sex with you and tell you it's bad? do you want to get help? this could be the root of your fear of sex if you don't ever masturbate or never enjoy getting an orgasm, maybe you're just asexual. there are people out there who just would rather hold and kiss and do not enjoy sex. and that's purley okay, if you're okay with that. but if you want to change this and would like to be intimate, then i would get help.

yeah, this is a tricky one. I mean, if she's not it can cause a strain on your friendship. you may lose her as a best friend 'cause she may get uncomfortable. Do you want to risk that? if you're sure that if she rejects you, that you can continue a normal best friendship, then go for it- or if you want to take the chance, take the chance. I would not really tell her you like her in that way. I'd just sort of spring it up as a girlie thing, like "you know I've never kissed a girl before and I've always been curious." something not as threatening- telling her you have more feelings for her or want to be with her can be. the way i said may not be as threatening, because if she rejects you, then you can just kind of play it off by acting like you just wanted to experiment. Girls who are straight have experimented several times. I know lots of girls who just want to try and kiss another girl, esp. for male attention. if she is okay w/ it then, see where it goes from there. Also, I don't know how old you are, but if you were drinking together, it might be easier b/c then if she rejects you, you can just play it off. or ask her questions, like have you ever thought about kissing/ being with another girl. I'm straight, but I have a friend who always drops hints that she wants to kiss me, esp. at clubs and stuff. she's also straght, but sometimes I think she's bi. I've always been curious to try it, but we never got there. But I'd be alot more weirded out if she told me that she wanted to be with me or had feelings for me. then, i'd be freaked out. i only date men, but I'm curious. but she's my best friend and I would nevver turn my back on her as a friend. but it would make me uncomfortable. I would just like to experience it. Just start with the kiss and then see where it goes.

who broke up with who? that really makes all the difference in my answer. if he broke up with you, I wouldn't be so quick to get back. you can get past that, but I'd be wondering, did he break up to get some with someone else? if he did, why did he break up with you? but if you broke up w/ him, then you can't be so judgemental. yeah, i mean it's wrong, I mean you broke his heart and it may have been some rebound thing or some way to numb the pain.

i agree with everyone. i do not date cocky men. I've dated men who were good looking, charismatic, intelligent, well-liked and were really interested in me. they were very cocky and i could not deal with this. Confidence is sexy. cockiness is a turn-off. Confidence is when you are happy with yourself. Cockiness is when a guy thinks he's everything and thinks he can get any girl. Turn off. I like a mixture of modesty and confidence. I don't like men who brag about anything, be it cars, money. Yeah, that's great, but if those are the only qualities you have, you are making up for something else. Cockiness is an insecurity- big time.

i would just say something like, i can understand how you feel, but only time will prove that i'm not who you think i am. she needs reassurance that perhaps you're in it for the long haul. make plans with her for the future, things like a few months from now to give her the hint that you're serious (but don't do this unless you mean it) and wait at least another month. if she continues, tell her that she really needs to relax b/c she's pushing you away and while you're trying to get close to her. i think by the second month she'll be much better. it takes me that amt. of time to begin trusting.

I can relate to you. I am also 25 and thinking about a possible career change b/c of anxiety and stress. thought the career I'm thinking is Nurse Practitioner- whcih is also high stress. I can deal w/ stress, it's just different kind of stress. I have thought about joining the air force too or Peace Corps. What do you want out of the Military? What is your purpose for going into it? money for school? do you have national pride? do you want to get good experience doing something you are passionat about and woulnd't be able to get into the field otherwise? I thought about joining the military b/c of the $ for grad school and also getting into a firled that would be dificult otherwise- sometimes you can get great experience going in as an officer. i'm still confused b/c i feel there are so many things I love to do. architecture, medicine, art, philanthropy, archaeology. why is it so hard to choose something. i always feel like i'll never be happy, always wondering if this is the career for me and wanting to experience others. I bought this book, called "waht color is your parqachute." it is an excellent book that guides you on how to choose a cereer and how to move into that career from one that is totally unrelated. that was a godsend after I graduated from college and didn't have a clue as to what I wanted to do. I found a great field, got incredible experience and now I'm moving forward. i love my career, i just feel stuck and stressed. maybe i'll saty in it or maybe not- i know I need to go to grad school, though. good luck. If you want to talk more, that would be great.

well, my ex contact me last week and we hung out and he wanted to be friends. Our conversation was light and airy, but he did bring up the relationship. I really don't want to be friends with him. it hurts me so bad to see him and know that he may be dating other people- he's already on a singles web site. but he begged me to be friend with him. he said eh would give me any amt. of time, he said if you need a month, a few months or year, I just want you to know that I want you in my life as a friend. he broke up w/ me and really wants me as his friend. why? i guess he's lonely right now. and we broke up over something so stupid. but we got really close fast and he's never opnened up to anyone ever not even friends or family like he has with me. Do I stay friends with him, knowing it hurts me so much or not even give him the benefit and make him miss me so much that he wants me back? what abput the no contact thing?

no masturbation is great! none of my girl friends think it's gross. when I was younger, i was ashamed and afraid to tell anyone, but I still did it. hey it felt good. just never told anyone, now it's not a big deal. I don't talk about it all the time, but I have talked about it w/ my other girl friends and thay have all done it.

okay, are you religious by any chance. Often sexual dysfunction can stem froma religious feeling that sex is dirty and can cause you to be uncomfortable during sex. also, have you ever been abused? you don't need to answer my questions, because i know those are touchy topics, but I think they are psychological and you should see a counselor. You say that your girlfriend doesn't turn you on, perhaps you are attreacted to males? but you said that any kind of sex is dirty and you feel gross, so what you're saying is that any kind of sexual experience doesn't do anything for you. you you ever get turned on by anyone? porno, playboys, any other women? maybe you aren't attracted to your gf and maybe another will turn you on?

I have to agree with both Hannibal and Buffalosoldier. They are absolutely right. I hate to admit it, but I act the same way at the beginning of every relationship. I test the guys I'm with- i know, it's games, but I'm afraid of getting hurt. I didn't realize that I did it, until the same pattern kept happening over and over again, causing problems and pushing guys away. It is subconscious, your gf probably isn't doing it on purpose- it is a defense mechanism, so that if you do break her heart, she doesn't feel stupid for having been the fool. but I can't know what she's thinking. I am always questioning a guy's motives, b/c they may use me for sex- so I constantly need reassurance at the beginning, so that when and if we do, I feel that at least tried my best to make sure the guy's intentions are good. After a while, she will stop it, once she's more comfortable and you've hung around a while, but don't do anything now, b/c then you'll really be that guy that she's accusing you of. and she will probably say something like "i knew it." it's a double edged sword with you. whatever you do at this point, you won't win. just give it time and keep reassuring her, she's probably somewhat scared. and what she's doing isn't right, because she can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, (which I've done several times.) Just be there for her if you really like her and she'll warm up to you, she needs to feel that bond of trust first. don't run away so fast. if you put up w/ her pushing and stay, she'll really be able to trust you and be able to open her heart to you.

yeah, i can agree somewhat. i've had it done to me several times, with both the single ones and ones that are arguing with their boyfriends. they were probably somewhat jealous of me having a good relationship. i can think of several particular instance in fact. it's funny, b/c looking back, the guys my friends complained about the most, were the nice guys- the ones who treated me like gold. isn't that kinda ironic? the two guys I dated who were wonderful, i always got crap from my friends- they never said anything nice about them. from my side- as a girl who's been having lots or problems with men lately, i can admit, my best friend who's dating this great guy is making me somewhat jealous and I hate the fact that her and I never hang out like we used to b/c she is attached to the guy's hip- i mean they bascially live together after three mos. and this guy is so needy, because my girlfriend has broken plans with me last minute ( a few times) b/c of her boyfriend. so i've mentioned several times that he was needy. But I just back off, b/c it will only cause problems if I get involved in their relationship. i guess when women have problems with their men, they get angry at all other men and want no one else to be happy. so they attack all men.

sugarplum, i feel your confusion and pain. one minute they're talking about commitment and the next minute they get scared. I saw the red flags with my ex when on the first date he told me that he doesn't see himself ever getting married or having kids. it irked me, but i ignored it. well, at 30 and he feels that way, i should have seen those red flags. when we talked about it at some point I asked him, do you really feel that way? and he evaded the question. he said he's not sure and that he just feels that he's looking for his soul mate and doesn't think he'll ever find that and he doesn't want to settle. well, i got pissed, b/c basically he was telling me- "okay you're not the one," (at least from my perspective). Now I am mature and i don't believe you can know so early in the relationship, which is why i would never even bring that topic up so early, but he brought it up, so i felt like it was a disclaimer and it kind of warned me to stear clear. he basically believes that having children is too much sacrifice and responsibility and why should he spend so much time, money and effort. but he said it's not totally out of the picture. Well, my thoughts were, well, i'm definitely not wanting to get married anytime soon, but eventually I do and want to have kids and why should i waste my time w/ someone who is so unsure about his career, marriage, commitment, kids, etc... what a waste of time that is. i don't want to spend the entire relationship trying to change his mind- too much effort. good riddance. now, i'm thinking much clearer. he's a great guy w/ so many valubale qualities, but so unsure about everything in life- very pessamistic about people in general. and he also feels that he wouldn't want to bring a kid into this messed up world. well, too much negativity. i don't need that in my life anyway. sorry, just venting again. sorry-now i'm taking over this thread. just needed to get my frustration out. it helps me get stronger and realize that I shouldn't settle either. I'm not looking for someone perfect, just someone who know a little of what he wants in life, with a positive attitude about his future. is that too much to ask? sugarplum- he talked about buying a house with you and then split? tell us a little more of your sitation, it's sounds a little more intense. men are so confusing sometimes.

i know about the e-mail thing too! I too, wrote up an e-mail last week, explaining what I was thinking/ feeling, even though I had already siad those things when we broke up. I felt that if I just reiterated it, maybe it would be easier for him to understand. But I just kept the e-mail, never sent it. I guess it helped me to write the letter, b/c it was a way of venting and getting my emotions out- like a journal. sometimes it's good to write and never send. i still feel like I don't have closure w. him. Because one day he was professing that he was falling in love and the next day we broke up. he says he cares for me more than anyone and feels closer to me than anyone, but cannot see a future w/ me b/c of various differences. Doesn't make sense! If they cannot work out these small conflcits, then they never will be able to and like you said, Scout, let them be someone else's problem. and like I said in a previous e-mail, My 30 yr old ex has never been in a relationship longer than two mos and never was close w/ anyone! maybe he'll figure it out eventually that there isn't a perfect person out there. that soul mates really don't exist- nothing is ever ladida all the time. reality isn't exciting. he'll need to learn it or he'll be very lonely. relationships are hard work and it takes both to make it work, not just one, and i'm certainly tired of being the one investing my all without compromise.

thanks for the update. perhaps this was closure for you. I am in the exact same boat. Last week when I met my ex, it was pretty comfortable and light, but I didn't get the feeling he wanted to ever get back- at least not now. He really wants to be friends, but like you, I don't think I can handle that either and I'm not ready to fight for him and put all my energy in someone so wishy washy. so, i'm not calling him (like you said). If he really has feelings for me, then he'll make that call- he already knows how I feel and where I stand. You should do the same. He knows you still have feelings for him (does he?) and when he can know for sure what he really wants, then don't invest your heart to win him back- it will only cause more pain. i've learned that many times. you can't change someone's mind, they have to realize what they lost, and if they don't, then it's not meant to be. As our exes are in the driver's seat, it is up to them to decide whether they want to come back. the only thing we can do is move on to find someone who will care for us and knows exactly who they want to be with- and treat us like gold. and if they do come back, it will probably be too late.

yesh, i'd agree. the flower in the hair is probably too much invasion of personal space. i take the suggestion back- that's probably even more corny. just be yourself, try not to be superficial and girls will appreicate that much mroe than fabricating some pick-up lines. Just be honest if you see a girl you like. Every girl is different and will respond ot different things. Just be confident without trying to prove anything. Confidence not cockiness.

just my opinion, but it sounds like he was using you for sex- just my opnion- he bascially said that's all it was- that he wants to &*(&*( you all the time and when you asked him if at one time he was interested in more, he replies like this- i broke it down, to make it easier. Girlsays: just hang around guy friends? BOY says: pretty much...if i hang with u im gonna wanna ***blanked out***, i cant hav that goin on right now lol Girl says: Not that I just want us **blanked out ****, but just curious why dont u want that goin on right now? Did you just wanna *****blank*** cuz I was there, thats all? BOY says: huh? Girlsays: why did you seem interested? at one point? BOYsays: i let my urges take over my brain meaning i let my horniness take over my feelings of not wanting a girlfriend. Girl says: I thought we were havin a good time? BOY says: i wanna ** blank** u constantly but i know it isnt the best coarse of action- meaning he really likes to have sex with you, but doesn't see you as girlfriend. sorry, just trying to be blunt like you said. words have many meanings and sometime people don't say what they mean or mean what they say, but this seems like it is spelled out. he sounds like a jerk and i would just forget about him. sounds like he was never really interested, or pretending now not be. good luck.

yeah, please don't be upset about the two replies. I, too have had 0 replies on many of my topics w/ at least 75-100 people viewing. you're not alone. i'm sorry for you, but I'm also sorry for your ex. i don't mean to be cruel, but like others have said, he did give you a second chance and you betrayed that trust. i know you're in a lot of pain, but so is he and he needs time to cool off. you being suicidal will not hlep the situation at all. it may get him to come back temporarily, but again, temporarily, if that. he will not feel sorry for you at this time. remain calm, maybe check yourself into a hospital if you are very suicidal and get yourself help- talk to a counselor. things will get easier over time. i think he will have a very difficult time trusting you- esp. since he already gave you one chance. even if you did get back together, the pain and memories would linger and probably cause problems in the relationship. it will never be the same again, it was tainted. i would just say, get your life together, start anew and make sure you get help and don't cheat again. that's my advice. i wouldn't put up with that. he won't risk opening his heart to you again and i really can understand that. i'm sorry, i feel your pain, but this is the time to move on and start over. good luck.

i would still do the no contact thing for a while. really give yourself the time to evaluate the situation. do you really want her back? evaluate yourself, evaluate her. think about what changes need to be made in order to head into a healhty relationship with her. try changing things about you. what was she unhappy about? what were you unhappy about? has she told you why she wasunhappy? i think you still need a month ro two of no contact. then let's say, sfter you started to heal adn can evaluate the situation in a logical manner, then i would say you can call. but you are too close to the situation at this moment- and plus, she has a bf. wait until you re in the position to make a good decision adn if you still really miss her, give her a call and talk about it. NC cannot work forever. like you said, she wants you to fight for her, but she broke up with you and it sounded like you have fought for her, but she's looking for more. at this time, you don't know what it is, so, you probably need to think about it. otherwise, if both of you jumped back intot he relationship, the same problems will keep ocurring and both of you may be unhappy.

good luck and thanks for your advice to me. please let me know what happens. i hope everything turns out well. for me, i'll try the no contact thing with my ex, but he basically left it in my hands to call im when i'm ready to be his friend. so he's waiting for my call. i guess he'll never get it and then he'll never call me. but then it's time to move on, i guess. it hurts, but i'll get over it. for you- keep the conversation light and breez yourself and try and have fun- laugh, smile, and show him the person he fell for.

quit now while you're 15 and only been smoking for such a short amt. of time. Quitting smoking is very difficult once you are addicted for years and you will get all kinds of problems. i am trying to quit, too. Been smoking for 7 yrs and quit for two years and started back up again. Smoking causes stress. Smoking causes restriction in your blood vessels so that you need more nicotine to relieve that stress. that'swhy you get ancy after not having smoked in a while. The first week of quitting is difficult, but make sure you are mentally prepared. then , afterwards, it gets much easier and the cravins are much more infrequent. Good luck, i am thinking of trying the patch, b/c i have too mcuh going on right now.

wow, i just finished reading most of ypur posts. what a rollercoaster. wow, thje tables have turned big time. I would keep enjoying your new life until she can say for sure whether she wants to be back w/ you or not. Kevin is a rebound, she started dating him immediately after she broke up w/ you from a 9 yr relationship. REBOUND> there's no way, that she doesn't miss you terribly. her relationship will crumble with him. I broke up with my ex last year (basically, b/c i was bored and wanted those new feeligns of love). I didn't cheat, but I knew that this guy really likes me and was giving me so much attenttion. Well,my ex and I lived together, we had a dog together, so similar situation. I broke up with him and was happy for the first three mos., but my ex was my best friend and I still wanted him in my life. i felt that i needed to experience things and then evntually we may get back together, but he'd have to fight for me. Well, we were friends for a bit, esp. with dog visitation rights. that was difficult for both of us. but i had my new boyfriend who treated me like gold and gave me the new attention and passion I lacked w/ my ex. well,needless to say, that fizzled and my ex was seeing someone new and I was devastated. The reality of the situation stru k me and i was miserable w/o my ex. I realized what I had lost b/c i was fed up w/ security and scared that he may be the last boyfriend. I needed more. I still think about my ex, wishing we could get back together, more than a year later. The tables have turned and I am the one still in emotional pain over my decision. But we needed to break up for me to realize what I have lost . I definitely have moved on, but there is not one day I don't think about my ex. but i've accepted it. I'm telling you, cut off complete contact- that will only drive her crazy. when he finally cut off contact, that's when things went awry with the new guy. I resented him for being the one to encourage me to break up w. my ex and I knew he wasn't right for me. I broke it off and called my ex, but he had moved on at that point. i'm okay now, just went through another break up (only two mos) though. It's hard I know, even on the dumper's side. We too regret that which we do. See what happened when you cut her off, she came crying to you. keepdoing that. and mean it. move on w/ your life. perhaps after several mos, she doesn't knoiw what she wants at this point and cannot tell you anything until she breaks up w/ that guy. uless, she breaks up w/ him and wants a chance, then talk to her. just my advice.

Hey Scout, I just received your advice on my post. Thanks. I just want to warn you, like what i said earlier, expect him to be light and casual- if only for your own sake. I didn't expect my ex to be so light and casual, and I was thoroughly disappointed when i met with him and he said he wantet to be my close friend. After such an intense e-mail, like the one he wrote, i thought maybe he realized he made a mistake and wanted to try, but to no avail. It's so painful. and i think it's so thoughtless on his part to reamin so cool and calm, like nothing happened- like it meant nothing. Just the day before we broke up, he told me that he was falling for me. WTF!!! and he told me he's never had feeling for anyone like he has for me. He said he's never been in love and has never felt anything xloe to it. well, the next day, he made a comment that pissed me off- it was acomment he made before about relationships and negativity) and i couldn't get over it. and we broke up. why do guys run so quickly at the sign of any confict that can't be mended with a little work. Yes, i agree what your ex did to you was rude, cancelling plans, but that could have been something he could have worked on. if he ever wants to get back, you'd need to sset him straght and layt down the rules and tell him you won't put up with that kind of behavior- even as a friend. freidns don't do those things either. Did you break up with him b/c of what happened, or did you fight and he broke up with you-how did it end? Just beware, if you see him and he acts breezy, the pain will hurt almost like the day you broke up. any of the time apart you've had to heal will be wasted. that's how i feel about now. good luck.

Hi, i understand how you feel. I'm not shy either, just used to lack conversation skills. I started to really hone in on my skills, by reading books, watching the news, current events, new movies- independent films, art. Learn about many intersting things and you will never have problems. I used to be fearful of starting up conversations through lack of what to say. Usually, when I begin talking to soemeone, I ask them what they do (career), where they went to college, those two questions usually can fill an entire conversation. people love to talk, so ask questions> lots of questions, people are glad to talk about themselves. since you're 18, youre friends probably don't have careers yet, so I would ask people questions, (if you don't know them), what are you studying, where are you from, did you ever do this activity? what kind of music do you like. then always have a cute story or something. know about good films playing, new music- ask epople if they've heard the new CD by ..... i hope this helps. i know, it's tough. but reading a lot about many differnt subjects really can initiate a conversation.