sweetharmony

i wouldn't worry too much. perhaps he just needed a little space. i mean you see him every weekend. maybe he just wants alone time. i wouldn't worry yet. i sometimes feel like i want to be alone and so does my boyfriend- not that we don't care about each other. also, sometimes you get into a habit of hanging out the same days talking on the phone the same times, length of time, etc...it becomes secure and schedualized. I know, once when my boyfriend didn't call me when i expected or wanted a day off, i was nervous because I thought he was pulling away or losing interest. all kinds of thoughts ran through my head. i would give him the space and unless he does it consecutively, let him know that you understand his need for space. if it really bothers you, then you have to talk to him about it- but bring it up in a way that is not threatening or sounding too posessive. that could scare him. honesty and communication are too impt. Well, good luck.

Perhaps she is shy around you b/c she likes you. I can be very outgoing with people I'm comfortable with- men and women, but if there is tension and I like a guy, sometimes I get nervous and shy. talk to her. ask her out or something. the fact that she gigles and let's you tocuh her is a good sign. She's obviously flirting back. maybe she's conused about your level of interest in her. i mean you flirt and touch her, but you don't ask her out. i would be confused if i were her. also, why are you feeling her up? that's kinda rude. no matter how much i liked a guy, i would find it disrespectful if a guy grabbed my boobs- but that might be just what your group of friends does, and hey she obviously likes it if she giggles and didn't slap you. just ask her out.

i don't agree with beec- the bigger highs and the bigger lows. that's just games, and soon whe will tire of them quickly. who wants to play games forever? who wants to be in constant worry about where your relationship stands. I think that yes, in the beginning, everyone plays the little dating game. you don't want to seem needy or too into the other person- that scares them away, but you also don't want to drive them away by being too aloof. there's that balance of space. but that shouldn't alst forever. once you are in a committed relationship, then those games should sop yu should feel comfortable to call whenever and not worry about the other person thinking you're too into them. if at that point, they feel that way, then they're not meant for you. i think this girl is confused right now for a combination of reasons. A. you just recently got out of an engagement. i don't know what happened, but yeah, this girl may be afraid she's the rebound. i would be so hesitant as to get into a relationship with a guy who was just recently in one with another- esp. if it was such a committed one like an engegment- we're talking big time there. people usually need a cooling off time to heal from such a breakup and they're not sure what they want. theya re still going through emotions, even if they were the ones doing the breaking up. B. she's not happy in the town you guys live and she's thinking of moving somewhere else, perhaps she is afraid of getting emotionally involved b/c she might be leaving. that can be very difficult. she's sorting through life decisions right now and is trying to assess the best situation for her. if she's leaving, then why would she want to get emotionally involved. it seems as if at first she was seeing whether or not your relationshsip may determine her choice, by spending a lot of time with you. perhaps she's thinking more rationally now. it seems as if she really likes you, but is confused about your feelings for her and her choices of moving or not. i would give her space to make the decision on her own. take things slowly and show interest, but don't be too clingy. that's definitely a turn-off. but don't play too many games with her heart. don't make her feel low at times and completely hight the next. i've been through that long ago (for the entire duration of a relationshsip) and i had enough- it was emotional abuse and i couldn't take it. i learned my lesson and that wasn't healthy. i was n a 4year relationship with someone that started very sowly and grew into something beautiful- like best friends- the games only last so long. the best thing to do is give her some space and if she's still acting the same way and when you feel comfortable, communicate with her. don't be too open, but express your concerns about her behavior. and my question is, how long has it been since the breakuo of you and your feancee? did you give yourself time to heal. after i ended my 4 year relationship, i thought i could go out and date right away. i was swallowed in a relationship s quickly- i thought this person was the one and i was numb to the fact that i broke up w/ my best friend of 4 years. i didn't give myself time to heal. i thought i was okay with it, until several months later, the initial excitment of the new guy wore off, and i started feeling the repercussions and i knew it was rebound. take things slowly, let it evolve naturally and don't throw your heart into too quickly. be cautious.

Yes, I agree with madcat 619. Originally I stated that counselling would work. I just hate to say the obvious, because to me divorce is such a strong thing. I believe that anyone can change, but yeah, you have to scare her. she's been doing this for three years and it hasn't sunk in that it's wrong yet. Three years is way too long to put up with that. She needs to realize that you aren't going to put up with that crap. she needs to realize what she lost and counselling probably won't do that. she does need to be scared for a while. the whole scarce thing is ture- she won't realize what she had until it is gone. She can't have her cake and eat it too. and when she told you, "it's unresolved issues that doesn't involve you."- I wouldn't stand for that. Of course it involves you. yeah, she's treating you like a doormat and she's not expecting you to do something drastic, so she's continuing her behavior and she thinks it's okay. She is living in this fantasy world and if she does leave you for him, I guarantee she's not going to be happy. the fantasy world will crumble too and reality will set in and it will be much worse for her in the end. not only will her fantasy hit a boring plateau, but she will have broken up a good marriage and separated her kids for it. The three to four month thing seems reasonable. I wouldn't file for divorce yet if you love her, but that's up to you. Just pack your bags and leave- but make sure you talk to your children. you don't want them to think their father has abandoned them.

everyone, thanks for the replies. I didn't even see the replies until today. Well, to answer some questions, he didn't invite me to the wedding because the girl getting married is his friend's friend. he was invited by her (to be her date), so he didn't ge the invite. i assume he was invited by this girl several months ago, before we started dating, but i'm just pissed he didn't say anything earlier-until just two days before the wedding. there are other things that bother me too about him. he invited me to his medical prom a few weeks ago. It took me like a half hour to do my hair (i did it up) and he told me that he liked it down better- i didn't ask his opinion) so i took it down (i shouldn 't have, now that i'm thinking about it) my hair looked pretty good up. at the prom (i didn't know anyone) he introduced me to a few people, but basically left me to socialize myself. well, good thing i can socialize pretty well after a few drinks. he even danced with other girls before me. we spent maybe 30% of the night together. before the prom, he told me that it would be a good idea to get my eyebrows waxed. i've never had a guy this picky before. i'm thinking of talking to him again and if things don't shape up, then i'm cutting ties before any emotion is involved. yeah, he told me the truth, but i would never flirt like he does. and i've been in relationships where the guy is respectful. there is a huge difference b/w talking to a girl and flirting. My exes were allowed to socialize with girls and huys (i'm not possesive) and i too like to socialize. it's making me too annoyed.

i agree with woopsydaisy. this is definitley a form of cheating. whether or not it was in the flesh, she has betrayed your trust. She is commiting emotional fidelity to the highest degree. friends with exes are okay. i still speak with mine. we send each other e-mails (on rare occasions), but I would never send anything sexually explicit. yeah the whole spying thing isn 't something I'm an advocate for, b/c sometimes you look too deeply when you shouldn't- like friends' numbers, old photos, etc... but apparently the signs you have are legit and you've already spoken to her. I would try and go to couple's counseling to see if you can work this out. Ask her in a nice way- not confrontational, don't get upset. Perhaps there are other things she is depressed about. she might have this fantasy in the back of her mind about her first love and maybe she is not happy with her reality. mundane, married life can be pretty boring and she's holding onto her past when everything was perfect and puppy love. no big issues, baggage, no obligations, bills, children, mortgage, taxes, etc... communication is the key. Counselling would help.

I've been dating this guy for about two months now. He's already expressed wanting to be exclusive and we've had sex recently. He tells me he cares for me, but the problem is that he's a flirt. I usually don't get jealous, b/c I've had long-term relationships where I give the guy freedom to hang out w/ his friends and such, so this jealousy thing is new to me. He's from South America, so the cultural differences is there and I've expressed my concern about his constant flirting and he's eased up a bit (he was glad that i was open about it). But ther problem is this. I haven't seen him for a few days. He told me last week he was going back home for spring break (4 hours away) so I'm not going to see him for two weeks- fine. I'm okay with that. Just today he told me that he misses me and wants to see me but he studies a lot (in med school) and this Friday, his out of town friend (who's a girl) is coming down and staying with him and they're going Saturday to a Wedding together- he's her date. Well, he didn't invite me to meet the girl (fine), but she's satying with him. He only has one bed in his apartment, so I'm assuming she's sleeping in his bed. and then they're going to a wedding together and staying at a hotel. it's sort of makes me frustrated, esp... since he didn't tell me until today (two days before). Am I overreacting? is this normal. I've never had someone I was dating do something like this. Most of the guys wouldn't even flirt w/ another girl out of respect. They would talk, but causally. thanks.

it seems as if this guy really cares about you, so live in the moment.he did have some time to heal after the breakup. if he literrally went right into the relationship w/ you within weeks or before two months, then i'd worry. but you can never tell. some work, some don't. i must warn you though, be cautious. Don't get so emotionally invested so quickly. I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years b/c i was bored and i didn't feel loved anymore. that exciting romance was gone and i needed something else. i needed to feel that someone was passionate about me. i think the breakup for me was harder than for him. well, this guy who had liked me so much moved in and at first it was wonderful- i thought i met my soulmate- the exciting feelings of love were there- he told me that he was in love w/ me and wanted to marry me after only a few months he said it was destiny- well, once the initial wave of "love" or lust subsided abit, my rose colored glasses came off and i didn't know what the hell i was doing- i started missing ex who i loved so much and resented this new guy. well, i'm not saying this will happen to you, because it isn't the same situation, but hose exciting feelings of "love" wear off a bit, then the real love comes- the securty and knowing that that person will be there for you always. That's when you'll know. that feeling of being in love can last a long time, but the true test is just time. we have to put out hearts out there and just see. I'd give anything to have that security again over the "being in love" that doesn't always last. you may be luckyand get both. Good luck!

thank you mellowchild! But how do I choose b/w both men? They both want to be exclusive and I'm not really ready for that. i'm not sure if either is the one. One is 24 and in med school. the other 30 and a creative. The med student and I both have the same socioeconomic background, religion, future goals, education is impt to us, etc... the other I'm more physically attracted to (not that the med student isn't attractive- he's too attractive- girls are always flirting with him that it bothers me) The creative guy is more my type- simple beauty. The relationship with the creative could be more secure- he's creative, artistic, humble and non-materialistic, (when we're together- his eyes are on me) whereas the med student is very charismatic and flirtatious with other women (in front of me) I told him that it makes me uncomfortable and he understood and has eased up a bit, but he's from another country where flirting and up close contact is normal. He's a social butterfly and it sort of worries me, although I can handle my own in a room full of strangers- I'm somewhat social. But I like the creative's personality much better- he's witty, sarcastic, friendly (not shy, but conscientious of me when we're together). But The med student is the one I could see future with- same religion, I've opened up more to him about my innermost thoughts. etc...but he'e leaving next year and the the creative man and I have very different backgrounds but we can talk on the phone for hours at a time. How do I choose? Evryone says, follow my heart, my heart isn't telling me anything yet.

I started dating two guys almost exactly the same time. I recently met both of them and I wasn't sure about each one, so I decided to date both of them casually- no harm no commitment- neither knew (I figured I'd pick real quick and then drop one before anything became serious. Well, both are becoming serious (it's been a little over a month) and both seem to want an exclusive relationship. Each has qualities that I like, and I can't figure out who to choose. A friend says that if I'm so unsure, then neither is the one for me. Also, I just ended a 4 yr relationship last year and my heart has been a little resistant to opening up. It's been difficult to get over and so I'm a little cautious. I'm not looking to get married anytime soon, but I'm not going to waste my time having fun either. I am looking for my future soul mate, but I'm not going to pressure marriage in a year por even two or three. I have amny things I'd like to do before I need that contract. But I'm not going to waste my time knowing it's likely going to end either. Well, it seems both men told me upfront that they aren't looking to gt married and they are glad that it's not on my mind like so many other girls my age (25 yrs). No, it's not at the forefront of my mind, but I would like the fresh hope that the next man I meet could be the one. Who wants to just know upfront that it's likely going to end? One guy is finishing med school and will be leaving in a year to do his residency he wants to move out of state- he's 24 and still young-i doubt he'd want to continue a relationship. The other is 30 and doesn't even know if he want to have kids or get married. He's also unsure of his future. He's kind of in his prime to get married. I'm not going to invest my heart in something like these. WHen a guy says he's glad I'm not looking for marriage, what does that mean. Is this telling em straight up that I am not the one? Should I not invest my heart in either guy? Thanks!

hey there, i commend you for quitting smoking. i did it, too. the first two days are difficult, headaches, lightheadedness, being tired. nut once you get over the two or three days, it's much easier. every day gets easier- just get past those few days. take a walk, make sure you get exercise, drink some caffeine- it helped ease some of the effects, but don't get addicted to caffeine. you'll think about smoking throughout the day for some time, but it varies person to person. the thoughts are fleeting (sometimes only for a few seconds) depending on what you're doing and every day it gets a little easier. I quit cold turkey and it's the only way for me. everyone's differnt, but i needed to get the nicotine completely out of my system to succeed. you'll see how much easier it is after a week. you will barely think about it for more than a few seconds a few times a day. but it's not too bad. good luck!

I recently met this guy and we're just talking now. we went on a date and the conversation flowed, excellent chemistry, but i often don't think before i speak and talk about the taboo subjects politics and religion, etc...i am fascinated by those subjects and i'm very open-minded so i like to talk to people that are interested in those subjects. It's what i am inolved in career-wise-both, so it's tough to avoid. well, this dating thing is new to me. i was in a 4 year relationship and i'm a different person than i was when i first met my ex 5 yrs ago. i was more elusive, playing those hard to get games, my ex even thought i was a little aloof. well, that's not the point. i run my mouth a little too much and this guy even said so, but he said he liked the fact that i was truthful, but that i could get into trouble without thinking before i speak. now it's odd, becuase i was never this way before 9when i first met someone), but i've changed and now this guy and i seem to be miscommunicating often. we talk for hours, joking laughing, making fun of each other and for the most part it's great, but it seems that sometimes we'll miscommunicate for a minute and then it's awkward. he'll think i've insulted him and vice versa, when that's not the case. i don't understand him very well when he says certain things and so i'll ask him to clarify, but yet he's still unclear. one comment i was confused about was that he said- he said that i could get into trouble sometimes (with my blunt honesty) if someone isn't noticing how cute i was. to me that's an insult, but to be nice i wasked him to clarify. and he answered, "when you see someone as cute, it soften the message whatever it is." i still don't get it. well, i've never had such a problem so early on w/ communication. i like the guy, but should i abandon this before it gets worse. i forsee more miscommunication problems. how could i handle this?

thanks for the advice!

I've been dating this guy over a month now. Things seemed to be gong well. He travels quite a bit, so we don't see each other often. i know he's looking to get married- he hasn't hid the fact from me- he's 39 yrs old. i'm 26 yrs. old. I know he's dated a lot in the community, b/c he is not going to settle for just anyone (he's a public figure.) Last time we talked was last week and he said he would call me while he was on business travelling. He's even discussed planning a vacation with me. I haven't heard from him in over a week and I'm worried he won't call. I know I'm overworrying, but how long should I wait until i know he's just not interested anymore? We used to talk every other day (even while he was away on business- but sometimes not for three or four days- when he was really busy). I'd appreciate any advice. Thanks!

I fear being alone. Not in the actual sense. I love my alone time. I don't mind going to the movies or dinner by myself. In fact, I love my independence. But I do fear not having that significant other to grow old with- (with divorce so rampant these days). You never know if love will last- no matter what. I fear being alone in my later years and in addition- the process of growing old and getting sick and death. (i know, so morbid). sorry, but these are my fears.

I would say that a maybe could be a yes. I think you might have caught her offguard and perhaps she didn't want to seem too eager. i know it sounds like game playing, but she might be playing hard to get. I've been known to hesitate saying yes right away to a date in fear of being too eager. But then again, a maybe could mean no and she's just too afraid to let you down. Keep asking her out. If she keeps putting you off (say three or more times) I would say that she was trying to tell you "no."

i can relate to your ex. I too have suffered from depression, blaming my ex boyfriend for my illness- got into drugs, alcohol, etc... it is not your fault. do not take repsonsibility for her illness. she "seems" happy now because she is high all the time- escaping reality- which for those who are depressed, it seems like bliss- but only for a short time. she'll realize that she can't be high all the time and when she's sober- the depression will come back, but much worse. she's heading on a downward spiral and there's nothing you can do, but let her go. she'll have to realize herself, b/c the more you push, the further she'll move away. let her come to you- if she ever does. luckily, i pulled myself out and found happiness. hopefully, she will too. but she's probably self-medicating right now and will learn that this is not the way. take care. good luck. happy new years.

i feel your pain. please find the strength and the courage to get yourself help. to find a reason to go on living. look at the beauty in this world. you are meaningful. ending it is an easy way. think positive. hardship and pain are all a part of life. you can change. i hope that you will learn that you are important in this macrocosm. happy new year.

about 6 months ago, i broke up w/ my boyfriend of 4 years to date this new guy. Well, of course the rush of feelings that i first got when we started dating subsided. I really didn't know this guy very well and his insecurities started to show. well, i had not time to heal b/w my 4 year relationsip and him, so i started resenting him. well, this enw guy is wonderful, but def. not for me. so, i broke up w/ him over four months ago, and said we would remain friends. we did, still talked on the phone every night, still hung out all the time. well, he still treats me like his girlfriend and it aggravates me. we fight like we're dating and he gets very upset if i don't call him one day, gets jealous if i hang out w/ my friends and esp. if i go on date. well, i've been expanding my socail circle and most of my friends do not like him. i feel i have no room in my life for him anymore. but the thing is, he has no friends, he's very depressed and he guilts me all the time. he complains and it's very depressing to hang out w/ him. i saw him at t party last week and i was networking (it's associated w/ my job and i was talking to him at the beginning. then i started socializing w/ other people. he came over to me later while i was with a group of people and said in this nasty complaingin voice, "hey, remember me? your friend. remember you passed me earlier and ignored me." (which i hadn't- i talked to him plenty that night) well, then i introduced him to the people i was with and he just sat there with his eyes rolling. now mind you, i have discussed my issues w/ him plenty. he apologizes, but it keeps happenening. he's a downer wehn we hang out, he asks me to say i love you (when i can't). but then he says "no i love you as a friend" and still keeps sending em poetry about his depression. i can't take it. i feel bad, i don't want him to be depresses, but i don't know how to handle this. do i slowly drop him (i don't see the situation getting any better-we've talked about it too much). but then i feel guilty. i feel guilted into this friendship- he's so nice. but all he does is whine that i ahve no time for him. i'm dating again and my schedule is just too busy. what do i do? thanks!

i was sort of in your ex bf shoes. I was bored with my 4 year relationship and wanted to move on with someone else (who at the time seemed more exciting). so, i broke up with my ex to pursue that new relationship. so shortly, it was if we were in love. but, i was really in love with the idea of being in love, and soon those feelings wore off. i realized that this new guy was a sort of rebound and i wan't in love with him. i missed the loyalty and normal comfort of my ex- boyfriend relationship and i tried to get back with him, while i was seeign this new guy. i was afraid to break up with the new guy (for fear of being alone), so guess i was waiting for my ex and i to get back together. but it was too late. what i would do to erase the past. but i learned a valuable lesson, the grass is NEVER GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE. this may be what your ex is trying to do. perhaps, he thought the grass was greener and then realized it wasn't but her's afraid of having neither of you. i would let him prove his worth to you before getting back together.

as with all the other replies, be truthful and upfront. because if you don't say anything, she will continue to feel that there might be hope. yes, at first it might hurt a bit, but she will eventually get over it. I was in your ex-girlfriend's shoes once. i got over it- only after my ex was upfront with me.

hey, there's nothing to be embarrased about. most men have watched porn and masturbated. there's nothing to be embarrased about. i am a girl and your answers would be just something to laugh about. make light of it and joke about it 9only if it's brought up again). don't worry. if you siad you masturbated 1000 times a week, then i might be worried. but you only wrote 7. no big deal. it's only once per day. if she thinks you're weird, she will learn quickly that it's normal.

I am going through the exact issue you are going through. My sister is obsessing over an acne problem that is barely noticeable. I'm not sure if acne is the only issue. i think she has much deeper issues but blaming which translates to the acne. she went on accutane, which didn't help- she swore it made her crazy. She flew a thousand miles for an interview to grad school and skipped it b/c of her face. She screams and cries and throws temper tantrums (she's 29). She often refuses to leave the home, she has arguments with friends boyfriends, etc...this problem has surfaced in all areas of her life and it is ruining it. and worst of all, her face isn't even that bad! she has become obsessed, spending numerous hours in the bathroom, skipping impt. mtgs. and activities. but she's severely depressed and has an eating disorder on top of that. I think your sister needs to see a pscyh and get help for her emotional problems too. i am not a psych, but considering the emotional issues the two of you went through re: the accident, she is probably still in pain and dealing with it the only way she knows how (but this is something a counselor would need to discuss and verify w/ her). good luck.

Hi. i dated my ex boyfriend for 4 years. We lived together 2 of those four years. there were problems, mostly mine. i wasn't happy. i used to live in a fantasy world and every time a relationship levels off (the excitement courting stage) i get bored. i wanted him to be romantic and more attentive. but i think these are my issues. anyway, being addicted to those "love" feelings, i sort of broke up with him (while living together) to pursue another relationship. I never slept with the new guy, just kissed him, while living with my ex. anyway, the new relationship didn't work out b/c i finally realied that after the newness wore off, i wasn;t attracted to him- just attracted to the attention. it's been 6 months since i've been w/ my ex. i'm okay without him. but i realize that he is the type of person i really want. he was loyal, stable, intelligent- everything i wanted. and no....i'm not just remembering the good times. most of the bad times were becaese of my neediness. i want to get back together, but i don't think he'll ever forgive me. we e-mail eachother occasionally (we have a dog together) bit that's it. I've moved on and i'm okay, but i can't stop thinking about him. what do i do? i realize there are other men out there and i need to live w/ my poor decision, but i feel horrible. HELP!

Hi there Ray, it sounds like you were doing the right thing by going to a counselor. yes, genes perhaps play some role in personality, but so does environment, etc... some people have chemical imbalances and others have depression b/c of situational circumstances. Shyness is not a genetic disorder-it is a personality trait that can be overcome through dedication. shyness can be an effect of deeper issues like depression (as you say you have), but you need to really get to the root of your depression so you can make changes. things can change if you are willing to get help. perhaps you should seek advice of another counselor. it sounds like you put way too much pressure on yourself. you can develop confidence by doing things you enjoy- develop other areas of your life. join a club or hobby that you like. develop nre interests. focus on getting good grades, but don't make it the center of your world. love yourself b/c you are worth it. when you love yourself and love your life, and have varied interests, people will love you. it takes time, effort and help from a counselor...but if you keep trying, it will happen. sensitivity can be a good quality (that women like) but when it borders on worries and perfectionism, it can be debilitating. good luck. let go of that which you have no control over.