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sweetharmony

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  1. sweetharmony
    you cannot blame yourself for not stepping in when this guy was hitting on your girlfriend (who wasn't your girlfriend at the time. for whatever reason you two were not together and it was not your fault and she should not blame you either. He was a mistake. For whatever reason, she dated him. this was her decision, albeit a bad one and I understand you are angry. I have one of those types of exes in my past- a user. Unfortunately, this is life. You cannot change the past. Fighting him will only make matters worse. She did not date him while she was dating you, so let it be a bad memory. is she okay with everything or did he hurt her really badly that it is affecting your current relationship? by what you say, it seems she is pretty casual about it and claims it was just a big mistake. I know it's hard to let go, you're thinking he's talking about her behind her back. until you have proof, there's not much you can do. people are going to be rude and obnoxious and talk behind backs. unfortunately that's the nature of some people. the only person who looks bad in the end is him. and people will realize that. most likely, they will feel bad that your girlfriend fell for a jerk like him or those who think the story is cool is not worth thinking about. whoever is on the end of the trash talking is either trash for buying into the conversation or will realize that guy is trash- so don't let it bother you too much. As long as you know your girlfriend is a true, good person who made a stupid mistake by falling for a jerk, let it be. Don't let it ruin a great thing! good luck.
  2. sweetharmony
    I completely agree with scout. I think ditching your friends for a date is out of line, selfish and rude. even if he was her boyfriend. If she made plans with you, she should stick to it, unless something really came up that couldn't be changes -like her boyfriend buying tickets as a surprise and couldn't return them- that is the only thing that would be an excuse. but this is not the case. she didn't even have the nerve to call you earlier. you had to e-mail her all day until she responded. that is unacceptable int erms of frienship. and to add to that- she didn't even apologize and blames it on you. she's going to be severly dissapaointed, because you are correct that this guy sounds selfish and rude and the fatc that your friend has accepted a date with him at 6 Pm on Friday night will just shpw him that he can take advantage of this and call her whenever he feels like it (last minute- i don't have anything better to do). now I'm not an advocate of rules or anything, but this is just plain common courtesy. your friend needs a lesson or two. sorry for venting. I had a friend who constantly did this to me. at least she apologized profusely and changed her ways. this girl doesn't even see it her fault.
  3. sweetharmony
    and do I end the relationship over the phone or e-mail. He's supposed to call me tonight to talk to me. should I end it then or wait until he t\return form vacation. I feel bad and I don't want him to be depressed while he's there. I know he's hurting just as muc as me b/c he feels for me. i know he's depressed right now. wehn he called me the other day, i could hear him fighting back tears. not to mention he's really depressed baout his residency status- he wants to move to NYC, but has been rejected by most of the applications. he doesn't even think he's getting in anywhere in the specialty he chose (b/c it's the most difficult specialty), so likely he's gonna end up somewhere he doesn't want to be for the next 6 years. he didn't even think to apply to any other city fo his specialty like podunk iowa- he only applied to the most diffcult cities b/c he didn't want to end up somewhere suburban or rural. but perhaps if he did apply, he could at least have stayed in the specialty he wanted, now he'll likely end up somewhere he doesn't want to be and in a specialty he doesn't want to be in. so, i know he's going through a lot and I want to be there for him. i know i'm the only eorson he can depend on and he has never opened up to anyone before. so he depend on me. but i also feel used to an extent. i want him to at least enjoy his vacation with his friends and family for the next few weeks. i feel he's in pain and don't want to exacerbate it.
  4. sweetharmony
    thanks for your reply. I tried to discuss the situation w/ him. he tells me he had the profile up b/c he had to make one to look at the women his friend was interested in on that same site, but he thought it was invisible. the profile didn't say too much, bare minimum adn it didn't have photos, but I knew it was him and didn't deny it. regardless, he also had a profile on a other site (where we met- although we have many mutual friends in the community) and had changed it and even changes the photos to a different city while he was visiting there- which also made me upset and he said he was just looking to meet friends while he was up there- on a singles site? I didn't buy it, but i forgave him b/c the date he updated the profile was the last time he logged in and the profile was hidden too, but i could look it up by name. I was on the site, b/c my friend's profile is on there and she like to show me guys she likes (so I checked his profile by user name), but I don't have my profile at all anymore- no photos, nothing, completely down. He hasn't even changed his friendster profile to "in a relationship" like I have. But anyways, he tells me he is confused b/c he never realized how much he's grown to develop feelings for me and he had this plan that he needs to follow and that he can't change his plans. he says that perhaps we might get back together after he settles down in his residency. (and doesn't find any better- i think he's saying to me). but I'm not buying inot this false hope. he thinks i was born yesterday. and what about the new guy for me? what do I do about him and my current boyfriend? whould i not get into the relationship with the current guy? thanks!
  5. sweetharmony
    deleted..................
  6. sweetharmony
    I believe it can work, for sure. My boyfriend of four years and I broke up b/c we were fighting all the time too, over stupid stuff- like which garbage bags to buy. We broke up a year and a hlaf into the relationship. We were just in a rut and we broke up. He contacted me 4 months later and I wasn't so trusting, so we slowly rekindled our relationship and finally got abck together 6 months later. But we were just taking it slowly to see how we felt about each other. Granted things got worse again, but we eventually stayed together for 3 more years, moved in together, got a dog, the whole nine yards. I ended up breakin up with him, but I believe in my heart I could've made it work. I was just feeling to clostrophobic and immature for four year relationship and was unsure of the future. I believe that two people who lvoe each other can take breaks over the years to mature and then find each other again and make it work after both people have grown and matured. GOod luck, but don't count on this. YOu need to live your life with the reality that you may never get back together. If you do, then that's wonderful. But you'll drive yourself crazy every day wondering when she'll contact you again to get back together. Do you want to live like that? At this point, she wants to keep you in the background while she has fun, and while I stated before that I do believe couples can rekindle az relationship, you cannot rely on this. You need to mvoe on for the time being and let it run its course.
  7. sweetharmony
    Hi there, I understand how you are feeling. I would give her the time she needs. At this point, there is really nothing you can do. She sounds really confused and scared. I mean you were engaged and she's having serious doubts. I wouldn't wait around for her, though. I know it hurts, but she's trying to find out what's best for her and maybe trying to find herself and until she's ready, there's not much you can do. Before you let her go, let her know that you would like to try one more time and that you will seriously work on the things she complains about. If she still needs her time and is not willing to work on these issue, I would just try and move on right now, let her know that possibly, but no guarantee that you will be there to take her back when she's ready. You just cannot trust her after that. I mean how many times is she going to run away when problems happen? IF she can't work through them with you, there's no guarantee that in the future she won't do this again- run away.
  8. sweetharmony
    I agree with the others. Do not tell her. It will only cause the marriage to unravel. The trust issue will always be there, even if she says she does forgive you. You seem pretty remourseful and guilty. let that be your punishment. Don't hurt your wife, too. I don't advocate what you did, but it's done with and you seemed to have changed and not done it since. Why open pandora's box now? I think that if infidelity occurs and it's a onece or two time thing that means nothing, one shouldn't disclose. they should just realize they committed such a horrible sin and learn from their mistakes- esp. if they lvoe their spouse and want to continue a relationship. often, with the knowledge, it's difficult to build or regain trust ever again.
  9. sweetharmony
    I know you're feeling really empty and hurt right now. I rpomise you, in time, your feelings will fade a bit and you will be able to have feelings for someone else like you did with this girl. Youa re still quite young and a year and a half seems long, but in the scheme of things, a very short amount of time. Nouw, i'm not saying that this time wasn't significant, it sure was- very significant for you, but once ou find someone else to have feelings for and to love, over time, after many years, you will be closer to them than with this woman. Now, you will never forget her, but the memories will just grow more distant. I still miss all of my exes, Istill think of my four year relationship that ended last year, but as the days linger on, so does the memory. I know that once a new relationship moves beyond the fours years, I will be free of those memories. It takes time. Good luck and let time heal. Don't build up a wall around yourelf preventing you from loving again. that will only hurt you in the long run as it did for me.
  10. sweetharmony
    thanks everyone for your comments. I agree. it's not really in my best interest to start something new at this moment. despite what my boyfriend has done, I feel just as guilty for the flirting- albeitmine was sort of a spur of the moment thing which i ultimately know was wrong. My boyfriend's profile was a deliberate, thought out process. anyways, at this point, he's in South america for the month. i sent him an e-mail last night telling him what I saw. haven't heard back from him yet. do i end things over the internet? or do i wait for him to return. either way, i will not get into this new relationship b/c a. i don't want it to be rebound. I think I'd have to begin thigns very slowly. I don't want to end up hurting two more people b/c of my lack of caution- and I don't want to ruin a good friendship. i need to heal right now and be alone for a while. jumping into something else is just not the answer. but my question is, how do i end things with my current boyfriend, considering he's so far away and I really don't want to wait until her returns in three weeks. i need to just start moving on right now.
  11. sweetharmony
    and another thing. my bf just found hsi relgiion again adn has become more religious in the process. He told me about this web site (like friendster) for more religious dating a while back. well, i decided to check it out, (has this feeling he was on there) well, guess what- he's on there- looking to meet people and it says he's willing to relocate- looking for a religious girl. do i tell him i saw him on there? what do i do? i don't want him to think i'm keeping track of everything he's doing. but I feel betrayed now. not really sure at this point. also, while he was in NY doing his rotation, I checked his dating profile (where we met) and he had changed it for New York. but never contact ed anyone. well, i confronted him after a month and he told me that he thought that he wanted to meet friends up there and thought this the best way, but then realized it was a stupid idea. anyways, i'm not sure what to do. I'm an emotional mess right now.
  12. sweetharmony
    and just because she hasn't contacted you about the jewlery, doesn't mean she doesn't care. she might not have even looked through that box yet. it might just be sitting in her room untouched. but def. contact her.
  13. sweetharmony
    even though you are playing "no contact" I think this a case where you can contact her. I would send a friendly e-mail specifically about the necklace. Tlel her that you mistakenly put the necklace in the box of stuff you agve to her and you would appreciate it back. If she doesn't want to see you, ask her to mail it to you or leave it in your mailbox, etc... simple.
  14. sweetharmony
    but I don't want to end things with my boyfriend. I want to get back to that intimacy we shared two weeks ago. the conversation about our future has forced me to push my feelings deep within me for fear of getting hurt. I don't want to end things with my biyfriend. I just want an answer from him- i want to know that he sees a future with me- whether it be long-distance, him asking me to move with him, etc... i just want to know whether i am convenient for the next 7 months until he leaves for his medical residency or if he sees something beyond that. I just have to wait a few weeks until he retunrns from his rotation to talk more. but I see a future with my boyfriend, i'm just putting up a wall right now for fear. i think if he were to tell me he lvoes me and sees a future, i could allow myself to feel again and completely push my feelings for my friend away.
  15. sweetharmony
    thanks for your advice, everyone. the strange thing is. I started to feel really close to my boyfriend. Whenever we area apart for more than a half day, we miss each other constantly. He calls me up to tell me how much he misses me, etc.. and we both feel such a longing. the day after he left, he called to let me know he missed me so much and yearned to hold me. after I found out how much my friend now likes me, i feel like i don't miss my boyfriend too much. i feel emoitonally blocked off from him-also due to the fact i'm pulling away- afraid to get hurt by him when he leaves for residency. i want to feel close to my byfriend again. i want o miss him dearly and remember all the good times we shared, but I feel so empty right now. i am angry at him. i'm afraid that with my empty, numb feelings abiut him, i'll be drawn closer to my friend, and i don't want that now. i want to stay committed and try and work things out wiht my current bf. b/c i do love him, (I think). and i feel so emotionally empty for him right now. he sent me an e-mail saying he missed me dearly and my e-mail back to him was just friendly and casual- not romantic or anything of the sort. i don't know what to do. i just wish my current bf wants me in his future. he's got all the qualities I'm looking for. I'M SO CONFUSED. thanks!
  16. sweetharmony
    Hi. I have been dating my boyfriend for 8 months now. (see old posts for more info). anyways, he's doing a rotation right now in south america and right before he left, i finally asked him about what's going to happen when he leaves for residency and i finally shared with him the pain i feel when he talks of his future and says I and not we. well, he was very quiet and said, i can't change things. you know that. he said, "whatever you need to do to be okay..." basically implying, if you need to break up, fine. and then he says, well, who knows what will happen, i may end up staying here- implying, well, the only way we can stay together is if I stay here. So, we both said to think about it. and he's evading the topic now, pretending the conversation didn't happen. Well, I recently found out that one of my good friends, who I had a crush on likes me a lot and has developed feelings for me. I, too really like him. We are so much a like, have similar values, etc... I can talk to him better than my boyfriend. I can share things with him without him judging me. I'm never like that with my boyfriend for fear. I know my friend would be an incredible boyfriend. all the framework is there. the only thing is, I'm pretty much ready to look for marraige (26 now) and at this point. my friend is two years younger than I, hasn't gone to college and is unsure of his goals, future- he's not where he wants to be and is working a dead-end job. he's sort of lost. But he's super intelligent, cultured, has the potential for great things, just kinda lost at the moment and has dated girls who have used him in the past. We were supposed to go out Saturday with friends and the others ditched us, so it was the two of us. We were a little tipsy, and we danced and flirted together all night- very nicely and I gave him a kiss on the cheek and forehead- that's it, but I felt extremely guilty and told him that I think I emotionally cheated on my boyfriend. I told him that I've liked him from day one and he told me the same. anyways, do I tell my current boyfriend or no? Was that emotionally cheating? what do I do. do i break up with my current boyfriend if he can't give me a straight answer about our relationship? thanks!
  17. sweetharmony
    thanks for all your advice. the thing is- he is still going to be here for another 7 months and wants to continue a relationship to see where it goes. I juts spoek to him on the phone and he's avoiding the topic, calling me bella nd my precious and darling, my sweetheart, etc... like nothing happened. occasionally he talks about us, but rarely. he is selfish. for his birthday, i bought him an oil paint set- bc/ he spoke about wanting to apint several monthe before. he was completely astsonished as if i had read his mind- b/c it was on his list to buy the very next day. he couslnt' believe it and told me we had a special connection. he told me he's going to build an easel for our studio and he told me that he wants to grow spiritually together. one thing, that is a problem is religion. we are the same religion, but he's more religious and wants a traditional wife- not exactly me. but i really don't think he wants this perfect woman he seeks. i think he's really scared and really doesn't know what he wants. but he also says- how intuitive i am with him, how no one makes him feel the way i do, how i'm psychic with him and we are empathetic. he said he's never been so emotional about anyone ever. it's hurting me, b/c i really don't know what he wants. we get along great, when it's great, but should i wait it out for a few more months to see if he changes his mind or am I fooling myself? thanks!
  18. sweetharmony
    so, in actuality, this "guy on the side" caused the break-up. had this person not been in the picture, the relationship might have worked. I think having such a person makes no sense. it doesn't allow you to focus on the current relationship. b/c you have back-up, you don't focus so much of your attention on your current b/f or g/f and it inevitably causes the destruction of the current relationship. i don't see any good to it at all. except for selfish reasons- it's just self-sabatoging in the end- bc/ really- the new relationship is going to end at some point too- so waht do you need to find another person to "wait in the wings" while your dating the new person? will you always be looking for someone new? just in case? yeah, it suppresses emotions for a time, but eventually, it builds up inside, waiting to come out. it's a never-ending cycle.
  19. sweetharmony
    I've been dating my boyfriend for over 8 months now. at the begininning he told me he wasn't looking for marraige- b/c he's young and leaving for medical residency next year. i tried to date him casually, but then broke it off after a few months to risk getting hurt. I was very closed off having come out of a 4 yr relationship- i didn't want to get hurt again. well, he "lured" me back saying he was scared that he was developing feelings for me and that he doesn't know what the furutre brings. well we got back together and everything's been great. he tells me that he's never felt so close to anyone ever and how much he cares for me- he's thrown in love a few times- like this symbolizes "our love" , it's nice to share dinner with someone you love, etc... but hasn't said "I love you."- neither have I. We're very close and out relationship has grown into something very meaningful. i was emotionally closed off for several months and he kept telling me to trust my feelings and to not be afraid to feel. that he has deep feeling for me and that he understands it's scary to be vulnerable, but it's also necessary. Finally, he earned my trust and i started to open up. now, I am vulnerable and in so much pain. I feel so stupid. he's planning his future, without me. yet, he considers himself closer to me than anyone else. he tells me that he's never missed someone so much, even after a day of being apart. he said usually with girlfirends, he wanted them away after a few days, but not with me. he talks about marriage and now how impt. it is to develop meaningful relationships. he even thinks that people should wait to have sex until marriage. he's starting to get a little more religious. so, i finally was upfront with him. I've been having so much pain, even panic, knowing he's planning his future wihout me. so i brought it up. he was pretty quiet (which was understandable- considering i dropped this emotional thing on him a few days before he's leaving) he basically said, i can't change things. (of course i was in tears). i told him i couldn't bear this any longer- this indecision, this stringing along until he's ready to move. he told me i needed to do whatever i needed to do to be okay. now, he's avoiding the discussion completely and he's going to south america for a month for a rotation. but he sends me a religious article talking about the differences b/w "selfless selfish love- the ego vs. the spirit." what do i do?
  20. sweetharmony
    Yeah, it might feel great and all to have someone waiting for you- the rebound relationship to "halt" the pain process for a little while. that's exactly what I did= for 4 months. then, it hit me. I was numbing my pain with someone else- b/c this was giving me a false high. Well, i ended up hurting the new person (pretty bad) and myself in the long run. once i realized what i had done, i had not healed myself- just halted the growth process, i was a mess- 4 months later, i broke down. not everyone's the smae as me, but that's what happened-so it doesn't always solve the problem- and you end up using someone else and hurting them- which isn't nice- you just begin a cycle.
  21. sweetharmony
    i know exactly what your boyfriend is going through. I am in a relationship that is very similar. I am the moody, crabby person. I have terrible mood swings, stemming from childhood fears of abandonment. I cannot express what I'm feeling, I'm sensitve to criticism. My boyfriend, very stable, etc... he can't understand my moods, but tries as best as possible to comfort me. I can snap right out of one, just as easily as I get in one. but the slightest thing can cause me to change my mood. and I don't get angry or yell. I get solemn, quiet, reflective, and snappy. I pull away and push my boyfriend from me. I fear him getting too close. It's taking a toll on our relationship. I'm trying to get better- but thee's also mroe to the story. I need to be someone more stable than I. I've been in relationships w/ more unstable, moody partners and it's just too intense. I's too moody and sensitive to handle those with more intense moods. I like being with a balanced person who can teach me how to be more optimistic. I constantly strive to better myself. I would try and understand him. Try to be there for him. be open and honest about what you're feeling and let him know how it's affecting you- as long as he's constatnly striving to better himself, then that's a positive sign. if he can be as understanding as you, then both of you should be working towards a common goal and aiming at a more balanced relationship. i know it's taxing, but if your boyfriend can try harder to get better, then (if you can handle it, try and hang in there). If there's no sign of improvement, then it's your call. you can't let another person wear you down on a consisten basis. it can strip you.
  22. sweetharmony
    deleted.........
  23. sweetharmony
    I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 8 months now. It was somewhat rocky during the first 5 months. Recently he had a personal experience which has led him to become more religious. Granted, we are are of the same religion and we share many of the same values, but I am not religious. I consider myself spiritual and I love my religion from a historical, cultural, and social aspect- but I cannot believe in every story from the bible from a literal perspective- only symbolically. I even work in a non-profit organization that rasies dollars for those in need in our religion. This is how we met- through a Young Leadership group in my organization. We both met each other under the premise of philanthropy and religion. So, I am very committed to my religion and its values, helping others, etc... but I do not believe in religion. I use it to live ethically and philanthropically. I have been very truthful about my beliefs from the beginning and he was pretty much on the same page, but always a little more traditional and believing than I, but nothing that was a conflict. Anyways, since he has found "more religion" he has been trying to encourage me to become more religious. He hasn't been manipulative or anything, just trying to educate me and teach me more about our religion. I told him I had an open mind, that I would like to learn more -esp. for my job and go occasionally to services and follow some traditions during holidays (which I enjoy anways), but I cannot change my belief. He has been indicating that he wants a wife who is going to follow every rule and tradition (who's very conservative). me: Very liberal, spiritual, care-free. He is trying to tell me he loves me for the first time, but I feel like he's trying to change me into something I'm not...or he's trying to encourage me to grow. i really enjoy the fact that he's finding himself and I'm more than willing to help him, but I don't want to compromise myself. I'm not even sure if his religious awakening is a temporary thing. he's leaving next year for his med residency and hasn't indicated that he wants me to go with him or that he wants to marry me. I'm 26 and I'm not getting any younger. from the beginning, we've both said we weren't ready for marriage and it was supposed to be a light, but long-term exclusive relationship, since we were both headed in diff. directions citi-wise. he wants to move to NYC and I want to move to San Fran. I have family in NY- my parents and cousins, and friend live there- it's where I grew up. But my sister is in SF and and it is much more beautiful for me. i'm not sure i can live in NY forever. but now, he has told me that he wants to develop a more meaningful relationship with me- one that's more spiritual and significant. but nothing more than that. but he hasn't mentioned anyhting about me moving to NY with him next year. I'm not really sure if following his footsteps is in my best interest. will being open-minded will be a growing experience for me, or am I just sacrificing too much of myself? I want to grow more- I can definitley use it and use the values of my religion, but I'm afraid of being brainwashed and losing my self to this. Help me!
  24. sweetharmony
    I think jbw65 said it best. one or the other is not balanced. I think men love the challenge. granted, i've been an ice queen over the years, after being hurt and disillusioned many times. I find that whenever I do put my wall up, men are more eager to break down my wall. at some point, if a woman is interested in a man, she needs to let her guard down a bit and show her emotions- or a relationship cannot grow and endure. I am skeptical and do not trust easily. a man who is patient will win my heart. after 6 1/2 mos w/ my current boyfriend, did i first start letting my wall down. he has shown that he is stable, caring, and committed, and now I shower him with the love he now deserves. he has proved that he is is in it for the long haul. i do not easily "fall" in love. love develops over time. i will not try and win someone's heart by buying them things and showering them with affection. a man has to earn my affections. and, if he's patients, he will realize that i am one of the most caring, loving, committed, stable, free-spirited, low-maintenance, independent girlfriend. some ice queens may have been needy women in the past. they have deep emotions, but are afraid to get hurt. they are independent and do not rely on any man. but if the right person can soothe their fears, and prove committed, they might just be in for a normal, stable, growing relationship w/ a best friend.
  25. sweetharmony
    hi avman, thanks for the advice. however, i was planning on telling my boss the truth, but the exec that flew me out there (not the one that lectured me) basically advised me not to tell my boss- maybe she was testing me? well, when she asked for my references, she said "of course, references who would protect your privacy, considering you already have a job). so, now I'm faced with a dilemma. most people are advised not to tell their current employers they are looking for a job- b/c they are at risk of getting fired. it's a double-edged sword. if per say, i told my current boss i was going out for the interview, she would have been worried. and hypothetically, i was still not offered the job- my current boss may have in the back of her mind, that i want to leave and be on the constant look-out for someone to replace me. and now if i come clean, she may fire me or be on the look-out and feel that i betrayed her and was disloyal. that could really cause a rift b/w us and trust that has been broken. i feel at a loss. like i really messed up.
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